Why is it that more often than not, if someone loves someone else, that second person loves a totally different third person? I feel like I'm person one, two, and three in this scenario sometimes. My life would be exponentially easier if I had any feelings in that way for Joel rather than zach. Bc i know he could take care of me blah blah etc if I wanted that. But I just don't. And I hate hurting him. Abd I hate that I hurt over someone else. And I hate that zach seems so unhappy himself, though that could for all I know be put on to make me feel bad. Which it does bc I'm a softhearted sucker, though it doesn't excuse at all what he did.

Also I wish I could sleep.

I need to get out of this town. I got really mad at something zach said, that I didn't understand that he wasn't a city person and he craved life in the south. It makes me wonder if he even knows who I am. The prospect of moving to DC has never been a longterm one for me. And I don't think I ever gave the impression of that. I'm not a city girl. I don't like having strangers for neighbors crammed up my ass. I want space to breathe. If I'm ever lucky enough to have kids I want them to grow up like I did, with a big yard and trees and a creek to play in. I want to go to bed at night being able to see the stars. I want to live in a place that doesn't have shitty winters like this. Staying in Morgantown DC or even wv was never my life plan and I had assumed I had made that crystal clear. I love my job yes. And I think it's something I should stick with for a few years to gain experience and pay off bills, sure. But it's a job. Not my future. It's a means to attain my future. If I do move to dc it's so I can have that farmhouse with the wraparound porch with a porchswing and land someday. I don't know why this has upset me so much, to thr point of tears.

I still can't figure out the exact point where the train of my life derailed. I work so hard to put it back together to realize the track is only going round and round in a circle. I want off this ride.

And yes. I realize exactly how stupid it is of me to be upset right now. I'm working so hard on being ok with myself and I think I have done a pretty good job of it thus far, though I know I'm nowhere near done. But at what point do you just throw in the towel. At what point do you just accept that some people don't care in the same way you do and just chalk it up to experience. And when, exactly, does that stop hurting? I'd really really like to know.




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