statistics

this is the most depressing thing i have ever read: "Cancer is on track to kill 565,650 people in the United States this year—more than 1,500 a day, equivalent to three jumbo jets crashing and killing everyone aboard 365 days a year.”

this is where i say that in the last couple of months i've really considered getting a total mastectomy. and thats not being a hypochondriac, thats looking at genetics. which one can i beat first?

thats a depressing topic. i'm leaving for DC in ten minutes. i'm hoping this trip will go ok.


lovelove

just random things

i nearly wrecked my car today. well, not so much wrecked as nearly got t-boned. entirely my fault. it didnt happen though. which is good. i felt bad. i got very angry hand gestures, which i deserved.

the movie the Patriot makes me cry every time. gladiator is coming on next.

did you know that iphones have a lightsaber app that makes the humming and whirring sound just like a real lightsaber? the one person who i couldnt wait to tell is the one person who i now know why iphones have these things.

i really want to sleep tonight. this is not cutting it.

i went in to work today because i had some stuff to do. i needed to get out of the house. my office is absolutely terrifying when no one is there and i promptly left.

i started rereading the Secret Garden. i know its a kids book, but i like it. i think its good for anyone to read. i very much like Mary Lennox, a spoiled and unhappy girl who learns happiness in helping someone realize their strength. i think i aspire to be this fictional little girl.

there are so many things that i would like to say, but believe me, you dont want to hear them.

the drugs or me

so the sleeping meds aren't working, i took them... 2 hours ago. luckily, the other blog got the brunt of it.

dave ryan is the most brutally honest person i know.

post secret is good this week. one or two in particular.

i started the newest and last book in this series about scotland i've been reading. there are a lot of gaelic phrases i have learned from these books. thats all i can really say about that.

its pretty bad when a work of fiction can piss you off.

from now on, i'm going to demand the truth at all times from everyone, no matter how much it hurts. better to know from the beginning that live in a lie.

cranky pants

i think i've finally come out of my fog long enough to get to the mad. because for me to have blindly believed all that for so long, even though it wasnt going to happen, i had to have something to base it on. you cant hang yourself without rope, metaphorically speaking. and all those 'good things' you all didnt see, that was my rope. so this isnt all my fault. i wouldnt have kept coming back to the mess ha dthere not been something to come back to. hell, there technically was even A Way to it all, but that wasnt good enough (this stems back to the disappointment, which as we've made clear, really fucking hurts my feelings and pisses me off.)

there are a ton of questions that i never got the answers to. i didnt even get lies, i just got ignored. and i wish i had it in me to hate, bc that would just make it easier. i'm just very very let down. what it boils down to is you dont tell someone that you love them and want to marry them but cant bc it would be a disappointment to your family. flat out. thats whats going on here. its a disappointment to your friends and family and someone out there is only disappointed bc they might not get to wear a dress. yeah. thats love.

from now on, lets all not tell people things if you arent willing to act on it. whats that stupid saying, don't write checks your ass cant cash? well how bout dont get someones hopes up if you're just going to ditch them so you dont disappoint people. when it really wouldnt be a disappointment at all. grrr.

i will be taking ambien tonight, bc i'd really like more than 2 hours of sleep.

and to improve my mood (sarcasm) my order from victoria secret came in (coupon) so dear men of Washington, D.C. watch out. i'm hurt and pissed off and as of monday, on the prowl with some pretty lacy underwear.

good friends

so. i've not slept. its a crazy not good feeling. but the dwelling and the stewing, they seem to take sleep and kick it in the shins.

in talking to friends about The Situation during these stewing and dwelling times, most have said the same two things.

1. they did not realize the seriousness of The Situation. which i guess would really be the seriousness of which i believed was the situation and the seriousness of which i wanted and tried for the situation. as we have established already, the situation had never actually been that serious and i was just too stupid to see it. in fact more than one person has said that had they known the whole story they wouldnt have been as mean about it or to it or to anyone. they all only saw one side of the story and did not like that side. and i want to say, see! there were other sides! but then, if no one else but me saw it, that doesnt validate it. people see aliens all the tme, that doesnt mean we believe them. the fact that i'm the only one who ever saw it, or at least thought i did, just means that it was never real enough for others to see. which all just goes back to i cant believe i didnt see it in the first place. but it is nice to know that people would have been more supportive had they known how i felt. i'm sure they would still be angry and all, but, theres that.

2. that no one thinks i'm stupid. this one, i dont know yet that i agree with, because i feel like a moron. but tonya dragged me out of bed yesterday to go eat dinner with the constant mantra that i am not stupid. you cant help what you believe in. its stronger and more important than any amount of money or social status or family approval. and if i believed it, then i believed it. and now that i see how things really are, that doesnt make me stupid. supposedly. i still havent quite bought into this one bc if i werent stupid i would have picked up on the fact that all this would never happen a long time ago, one would think. i mean you all saw it. but then, where does that mesh with #1. i dont know. i've been whining and writing about The Situation for well over two years. the Situation never changed. at what point is what i believed in become invalid and stupidity take over? probably day 2.

at any rate, i'm going to go see a man about a phone today. i just didnt quite feel up to it last night. hopefully they will be nice to me today bc i am cranky and crampy. although the latter, i suppose i should be greatful for, bc THAT would just be comic irony that i just couldnt handle.

i promise the whining will end soon. for your sake. thanks for understanding and listening and being my friends anyway.

lovelove

fail.

i said i dont want to talk about it again. but i dwell. i am a dweller. i make a living of dwelling.

and in a moment of perfect irony, i got my amazon order today. some are christmas presents for some of you and one was a book i had ordered, and canceled, or so i thought anyway. and this book. sure its just paper and ink and glue. but this specific book. it is the culmination of exactly what i believed in and was willing to do for all of this mess, how blindly i believed. the things i was willing to do (and i'm sure youre thinking, wtf kind of book is she talking about, its really NOT that kind of book) were absolutely ridiculous. bc it wasnt the point of what i was willing to do, it was the point of what wasnt to be done on the other end. and that set it all in stone for me. that this newfound realization was correct. and holy shit does it hurt. to be told that to try would be a dsappointment to too many people.

now. we all know i have never been known to have much selfesteem. but i would like to think that i would not be a disappointment. i have morals, though skewed they are in this situation. i have an education. i have good family and friends, much better than i deserve frankly. i help people when and how i can. i care about babies and puppies and old people. and somehow that isnt enough. and thats really a blow i wasnt prepared to take today.

i suppose some part of me should be glad this happened. that i didnt drag it out any longer and make a more unnecessary ass of myself. it's just hard to realize that something that you put so much stock in was never there in the first place. that truth and lies are blurred til its all smoke and mirrors.

i'm glad its raining, bc thats the mood i am in.

realization

so today, i realized all along you all were right. my mom was right. and it just stopped everything in my world.

i dont think i had ever believed something so strongly, so blindly, before in my life. and all it took was one away message to open my eyes to nearly 3 years of lying to myself.

i feel like the fool that my mother called me.

i never want to speak of this again.

a fool

so i talked to mom this evening. you know this is serious if i tell mom what is going on in my life. i told her every last detail, and you know what she told me?

that i am a fool.


thats about as blunt as it gets, eh? a good dose of reality. that i should have known better.

i am a fool.

knowing your worth

i'll preface this with the fact that the other blog, the private one, got it a lot worse than you all do. although it also finally got written about my birthday.


at what point do you draw the line at loving someone enough to just give up? this is something that i have struggled with for years. i know it's my need to help everyone i meet, but in some cases, when is trying to help someone no longer worth the pain experienced by all involved?

i've found it to be impossible to convince someone of their worth. and i think this may be scarier and sadder than any addiction or drug habit or any bad thing i can think of. because feeling worthless removes yourself from the picture you have of the world. and once you lose yourself, it's very hard to come back.

whatever circumstances that form you form the good and bad that you carry. the good is so many times overlooked as something fleeting. people no longer expect to have the happy lifelong relationships with family and friends that our grandparents generation had. and i think its because we have become a very depressed people. we struggle to play the right sports, wear the right clothes, read the right books, go to the right schools, marry the right people, have the right jobs. i know many of these things i struggle with every day.

and i know it is so much easier to see the good in someone else than it is to see within ourselves. bc thats what we've been programmed to be. and after awhile we start to question whether we deserve those good things in our lives and then we start to not expect them at all. and then all we do is worry that our every move is letting people down and we build ourselves into a cage where we live and breathe unhappiness, but at that point its all that is known.

at what point do you give up trying to open that door to the cage for someone else? even if the outside isnt like some wonderful disney cartoon, it's going to be better than the cage. but at what point do you give up on someone because even if the doors are standing wide open, they wont come out? even if its bad, its what you've come to know. and the self doubt and self loathing and thinking you dont deserve good things become comfortable reactions to everyday life.

someone dear to me told me they couldnt live their own life bc they would be letting too many people down. that these people had invested too much money into seeing this path they thought must choose happen. from inside that cage, this makes sense. from the outside, it is sad and not at all true. from the outside one can see that choosing to be happy is worth far more to people than any amount of money, money that can be redeemed in other ways. at what point is anyone allowed to put a dollar figure on your happiness? i said this yesterday in a different context, but no amount of money can compare to being happy. and i fully believe that more than anything in this world. so how do you convince someone else that their happiness, that their worth, is far more than the cost of a plane ticket?

and at what point do you get worried enough to just give up? where do you draw the line because trying to show people their worth and that they deserve love is just causing them to remove further into depressed seclusion? when does helping become hurting.

these are things i wish i didnt have to think about and yet i wrestle with every day. so much more lately. its hard for me to accept that i cant help someone who means the world to me and that they dont think they deserve to even help themselves. it's so hard to step back and watch someone hurt themselves because they dont think they deserve anything.

and i know most of you are rolling your eyes and saying that i cant be talking about who you think i am, bc that just isnt possible. but theres a lot to people that we dont always see, or we dont always choose to see, or we arent allowed to see. and you probably think they dont deserve my worry in any way for all the hurt that has been caused. but if anyone, they deserve your good thoughts more than i do. and i dont question that one bit. the person you knew is only one side. and theres a whole other side that i love and worry about all the time.

i picked up two salvation army christmas stockings to fill today. i figure if i cant help those i love i can at least help those who need extra love this holiday season. a little boy and a little girl. hopefully i can bring a little happiness to their lives, and hopefully they will remember that they deserve to be happy.

everyone deserves happiness. and no one is going to be disappointed in you if you choose it. they will share in it and be happy for you.



lovelove.

fact

i have spent too much of the last decade of my life crying on the phone to joel lancaster.

Oy.

Can I just say that somewhere down deep inside, in a past life, I must have been a rockstar.

This has been quite possibly the worst week in the history of my life and yet I'm 82% certain i just rocked the hell out of a job interview. Fact- it is possible to kiss as with a smile on your face while you feel like you are dying inside.

The best part of this potential job is I could work from anywhere. Home. China. A cardboard box infront of starbucks as long as i had wifi.

I'm not getting my hopes up. As far as I know I probably still have a job here. But it was damn hard to lie and say that I'm having a great day to the CFO of a company. But, I've got to do this for me. This isn't something I can rely on anyone else for.

And now I am completely and entirely mentally exhausted and am probably going to go home and cry it out.

how many times? 1837?

how many times do you have to cut someone out of your life until they are gone completely? i feel like i do this on an hourly basis, and yet, there they still are. and its not because i want to. oh no. its definitely not because i want to. but its bc i have no other choice. its because of the 'greater good' (that, btw, is said in the most sarcastic of ways, bc i do not believe living your life for the greater good is giving up your own.)

and whats the price of sanity? I can't afford the costs of getting a new phone and number. but then i look at that dollar sign and wonder if feeling good about myself is worth that amount of money. and to that, the answer will always be yes.

i can't forgive people who let their family dictate their lives. yes, your family will influence who you are and will, hopefully, make you into a strong person capable of making your own decisions based on knowing what is best for yourself. instead i am surrounded by the fact that anything to do with me is entirely out of the question because of a list of qualities and characteristics i lack. and its not even that i lack them, its the fact that i do not even exist.

i will never be plain. i will never be boring. i cant even promise i will ever be a proper role model to another human being. i lose my temper faster than a match strike, but i am always the first to stand up for someone when i know without a doubt they are being wronged in the greatest of ways. but there comes a time and place where everyone must chose their own happiness. that is what being an adult is. being an adult is not foregoing your own dreams to appease others. especially when you only imagine and dont know from their own mouths what they are going to say.

i know i was put on this earth to help tke care of people. but sometimes, all the time, i have a terrible time accepting when people dont want to accept that help. i cant be the hand pulling everyone back from the edge when they are bound and determined to jump just so they do what they are expected, so they think, to do.

if anything i just add to my book of knowledge. i will never let another human being chose my life for me. i will only fight for someone, in this way, if they are willing to fight back for me. i will not rely on someone elses opinion to determine my happiness. happiness is what we make it, and you either work for it or you die. we cant change everything, we cant even change most things when it boils down to it. but we can love and we can know we tried. and we can be allowed to be angry when those things are what let us down.

i kind of feel like i am going to puke right now.

i read a study that our society has become an angry society. we dont think we deserve to be happy and our response toward anger has become a natural habit. we gravitate toward anger. we expect to be angry so we automatically are. i do not want to be this angry person. i have too many good people left in my life to be so angry all the time. i have too many opportunities ahead of me. and yet here i am furious because someone i care about thinks they are not worth anything. thinks they do not deserve to be happy. has been poisoned by people who should love and support them unconditionally into thinking they have zero options in life. i know we are supposed to show forgiveness to everyone, but this is something i dont know if i can forgive.

blue tennis shoes

the title has nothing to do with anything, really.

so. hows things? good i hope.

so i get to go to D.C. for work next week. isnt that exciting? i woke up knowing today was going to be a day full of exciting news. if only that was the only one!

so tell me, in a rhetorical fashion. does anyone besides me hate when people decide what you are going to say without even giving you an option to say it? or say anything for that matter? i know for me it tends to be the exact opposite of what is expected! but funnily enough, that doesnt matter. bc its already been excited what you -would- have -maybe- -possibly- but not at all had you been given the whole story- would have said this thing. needless to say, i'm a little unhappy there.

so instead of thinking, i decided to go shopping this evening. this is a terrible problem of mine. if i keep myself busy, then i wont think. only now i have new clothes and my brain is still cranking. at least i can wear them on my business trip. who knows, maybe i'll pick up a senator!

i also went to look at cell phones. do to work and extenuating circumstances that should have been taken care of long ago, i need a smart phone with a new number. i'm probably going on saturday to remedy this, but i want to get opinions of phone users. do i break down and get the iphone? what do we feel about the blackberry? what else out there is there?? options, kids. i need some new options in my life. i cant exactly afford it right now, but something tells me now is as good a time as any.

so what else. lots else. but we wont get into that here. actually, i've been thinking of closing this blog down and starting over fresh. this is not at all what i wanted this to be. this is just like the last one. i wanted this to be a positive piece of the blogosphere. build some good karma. figure out what i'm doing. i had positive things going on there for a bit, and i need to work that back. i've been following theLOVEolution on twitter and is one of those interesting and inspiring things. i recommend it and the website for positive thoughts throughout the day.

today i'm also thankful for my friends. not only do they put up with a lot of crap from me, but they still stand up for me afterwards. that is dedication i had overlooked and taken advantage of for far too long. i know people mean well and stick up with me when i cant stick up for myself.

i talked to my grandmother this evening for awhile. its nice to talk to her even when we dont really have anything to say. she's excited for my trip next week even if it is for work, and she's more than happy to take care of the evil poochie while i'm gone. sometimes i wish i could tell her everything. but i think i'm more afraid that in most cases, she'd agree with me that things are worth what i think they are. i dont know. i had strange strange dreams last night that i dont know what they mean.

i am tired of excuses. and i'm tired of not being included in the deciding of my own life. i'm going to go take a bath.

also

i would marry regina spektor for this alone.

good friends

i know i talk a lot about what good people i have in my life. and i genuinely do. and this weekend just reminded me of that. for rachael's birthday we had potluck and went out. and everyone, even new people we met, are all cool and can find similar things to discuss or whatever. i dont know, it was just a really good time.

also, if you ever need to win me over for anything, take me to Wow Factory and let me make jewelry. I created, what i hope anyway, with be a super awesome stained glass-type necklace. it should be done by tomorrow, so i'll get someone to take a photo of it so you can see.

joel just told me that for his birthday this year, the only gift he wants from me is to move and get out of this rut i'm living. sometimes i think he knows me better than i know myself. maybe st. jude can figure out this lost cause.

Mountain Stage last night was awesome. I've always loved regina spektor and she did not let down. but i now sit at the feet of the voice of Will Hoge and am thankful that he chose to be a musician. too many of his songs resonated way too deeply to the point that it took my breath away. this one in particular. the other groups were ok. yo la tengo scared me. other than that, it was a great evening.

but it was nice to see old friends and make new friends. some stay, some go. some i'll see tomorrow, some i might never see again. it's good while it lasts.

i'm going to see zombieland tomorrow. now that i am excited for.

i'm reading a good book. i have hello kitty on my keychain and dying roses on my tv. i have a lot to be thankful for and a lot to stop caring about.