Rachael sent me the link to the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows. So many of these resonate too well with me. heartworm n. a relationship or friendship that you can’t get out of your head, which you thought had faded long ago but is still somehow alive and unfinished, like an abandoned campsite whose smoldering embers still have the power to start a forest fire. anthrodynia n. a state of exhaustion with how shitty people can be to each other, typically causing a countervailing sense of affection for things that are sincere but not judgmental, are unabashedly joyful, or just are. trumspringa n. the temptation to step off your career track and become a shepherd in the mountains, following your flock between pastures with a sheepdog and a rifle, watching storms at dusk from the doorway of a small cabin, just the kind of hypnotic diversion that allows your thoughts to make a break for it and wander back to their cubicles in the city karmapol n. the imaginary committee of elders that keeps a running log of your mistakes, steadily building their case that you’re secretly a fraud, a coward, a doofus and a douche, and who would’ve successfully revoked your good fortune years ago had they not been hampered by bitter squabblings over grammar and spelling. i know, logically, there is no purpose in being sad. i can list every bad thing that zach did (and there are plenty of horrifyingly awful things) and no one on earth would fault me for being angry. but everyone would fault me for being sad. maybe it's bc i had sad dreams all night. although even in my dream world he didnt care enough about me to do anything. and that should tell me something. i think all my hurt boils down to the fact that i opened myself up to something bigger than i can ever be alone, something with a future and a plan, and now the other half of that doesn't care enough about me to even try. it's time to start blogging things i'm thankful for again. today i'm thankful for the smell of outdoors at home when the weather is just like this. it's a combo of grass and hay and dogs and dew and sunshine. i'm thankful for my health, bc even as i go weeze my ass off when i attempt to run, i realize i could be in a wheelchair or have cancer or a whole list of things. i'm thankful for the puppies, who are currently laying in a patch of sunshine by the door. and i'm thankful for the friends i have, who stand by me through all of this, all of life, who constantly remind me that there are good people everywhere, in everyone, if you take the time to look.