I watch too many movies where there is a surprise happy ending. I keep waiting for my surprise. I thought it was going to happen last night.

Is it still bad I'm hoping for tonight?

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got my hair cut and colored. It's still mostly long but with layers. I thought abt going lighter but apparently you don't do that in winter. But that's ok. I feel like I look alright with dark hair.




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this is a new favorite song

the pics and article about this cave system are completely breathtaking and i want to go to there.

i had a really nice thing happen to me today at work and it reminded me that there are really genuinely good people in this world.

i applied to volunteer at a local place but they said i cant since i have a full time job and they are only open during business hours. this really upset me bc i wanted to do something to help people. so i guess i'm back to square one on that front.

i used up my tape taping back together some stuff i'd written awhile back. i can be a pretty decent writer when i actually put some thought and heart into it. i dont know if any of my writing is worth anything to anyone but me, but i'm still glad i did it.

i wish that i could paint bc i feel like i could better express myself that way. but everytime i try it looks like a 4 year old drew something with her toes and ketchup.

i had a really awful dream last night that i dont remember what happened, only that it was awful.

this is the first evening in awhile that i really just wanted to come home and take a nap and not think about things, but i refused to let myself do that. so i cleaned. and i read. and i watched HIMYM which i actually really like.

i'm just talking about nonsense so i dont talk about the one thing that is so very much on my brain. blurgh

So i went and watched the new Sherlock Holmes movie this evening. If you've not seen it yet, do so. It was wonderful. Of course it bastardized every book, but it had the right... (drawing a blank for a word here. not taste. aura? general idea and feeling) of the style and theme and plot. if that even makes sense. at any rate, go see it.

when i was driving home and turned into my apartment complex, i had a moment though, and i've felt weird since. for a split second i saw someone who i graduated high school with but has passed away several years ago now. he and i weren't close, but he was a jolly sort who had a joke or something for everyone. i think drugs are finally what did him in. but in those few seconds i went from excited to see him to remembering he was dead. and thats quite a blow when you think about it. i feel like... like i'm not old enough for my classmates to be dying, but he wasnt the first and i know he wont be the last. it just put me in a really strange frame of mood now.

i received the prints from my first batch of shuttercal photos, which are from January. It seems so bizarre to look through them how very much has changed in the span of one year. if i'm being logical i wont say that i regret it bc i've learned something from everything, about me about others about my hopes/plans for the future, what have you. but it does make me a bit sad to look through them and know whats going to happen in the next couple of batches of prints. i genuinely did not have a clue.

i was talking to a friend today who has seen me through several winters now and knows how my moods fluctuate. and we both came to the determination that, all things considering, this has been my best winter in at least five years. i think its a combination of access to a window at work and therefore having as much natural light as possible, the right medication that works for me, a real exercise regiment, and a better understanding of what to look out for with regard to myself. had the things that have happened this year happened several years ago, i have no doubt in my mind i would have had to have been committed. but i think i'm stronger now, and much better prepared.

but. it's been a long day with too many deep thoughts sloshing through my brain. i thought writing in here would help, but it hasnt, not really. i think it's time i do some other kinds of writing. perhaps some letter writing.

at any rate. much love to you all.thank you for always standing by me, at my best worst and everywhere in between.

i need a new craft project.

i have a lot of thinking to do this week. i know already what i think, i guess i just have to think harder on it. come up with a plan. pros and cons, consequences and benefits. etc etc.

so when my brain hurts, i craft. only the only craft i have available to me right now is to finish crocheting. today anyway, i dont want to do that. i realize it would be good to work on it and think. poetic or something.

i dont knkow what to do with my life sometimes. cant i just quit my life and make crafts all the time?

christmas eve has just been strange. not bad, of course, but just very strange. my family are always a strange lot.

i did however get a "how to speak wookie" book with sound effect buttons in the gift exchange, so that was fun.

i was talking to my friend ranae earlier and she told me this was the first christmas eve she'd miss candlelight service at our home church, as she and her husband are now living in las vegas. i know that ranae found the service as special as i did, especially the part where one of the choir members sings Silent Night in german. So I video recorded it on my phone. you cant actually see much of anything except for a two second shot of my candle, but you can hear the singing. and it really made me feel good to bring that little piece of home to ranae this christmas. if you're readin this ranae, merry christmas from home and i hope to come visit you soon!

i'm trying to remember there are things bigger than me in this world and to be thankful for all the good things i have in my life.

merry christmas (eve) to all, and i love you and goodnight. :)

I managed to walk into a wall today. I wish I was lying. But the goose egg on my forehead kinda gives it away.

But I didn't cry. I wanted to cry. But I refused to cry.

My eyes might have watered just a bit.

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so i decided that feeling sorry for myself isnt goin to help anything. there are too many people out there who have real problems that i can help. for example, a family in Mon county lost everything in a housefire the other night. i've contacted the people at the local radio station that i talk to (harrass) on twitter to find out if there is any way to help them monetarily or with things. it's a family of seven and it just breaks my heart that there are kids out there who wont be having christmas this year, who dont have anything.

i want to get back into helping others in this new year. i'm not sure where i should help, as i'm mostly afraid of hospitals. but i have some friends who work with United Way fairly regularly, and they might be able to point me in the right direction. if any of you have any ideas, please let me know.

i'm sad yes. but i have hope. and sometimes hope is all youve got to work with.

in the mean time i am sitting on the couch with two rotten dogs, watching svu, and eating chicken nuggets. yes. it's an awesome day around here.

I'll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams.

I try so hard to do things for other people, even total strangers, for Christmas and all time to make their lives, their holidays, better. And I can't have the one and only thing I want for Christmas. The one thing I want every day.

I feel like there is something wrong with me. That I am undeserving.


All I want for Christmas is to work things out with Zach. There. I said it. Some of you probably think I'm dumb. But I love him. And I know if we tried we could have a good future.

But i guess we don't always get what we ask for.

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this is going to be my motto for the new year.

I can't sleep. It's three am, a time I don't normally see.

I'm trying to do the right things with my life. I dunno if I am but I at least am trying. That's a start, right?

I just can't spend all my time furious anymore. It does me no good. I waited to be shown something different but it never happened. So now im trying something new and scary. But maybe a clean slate is what I need. I genuinely don't know. But I'm going to find out.

No more excuses. No more lies. If people want to be in my life they will show me why they are worth it. I deserve to be fought for dammit. I deserve to feel special. I'm waiting to be impressed. If only people would take the hint and do something about it.

Side thought. Seeing photos of your exs spouse, in any situation, makes you sad and ill. It should be something I'm used to by now as it happens so often. But every time it's a punch in the gut. Especially when everyone looks happy in the photo.

It's almost a new year. I don't know what it will bring. All I can do is pray it'll be less heartache than this year. Hopefully I'll learn to trust again.

For now, I just want to sleep without the nightmares.


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food poisoning sucks. i thought i had it once before, but it has been nothing like this. this has lasted all weekend.

you know that scene in Dumb and Dumber? yeah, you know that scene. you will never look at me the same way now, will you.

i broke down and got mcdonalds this afternoon bc i wanted real food, not soup and toast and bananas and gatorade (so decreeth my mom as the cure for this illness). and my stomach has been talking angrily all day. why is it that when y ou get sick all you want is food that is bad for you? bc right now I want extra crispy KFC. what whaaat.

i dont know if it is just me but it doesnt feel christmasy and its 2 weeks away. maybe its bc it hasnt snowed much, which frankly i'm ok with, but this year nothing seems christmasy. i've finished all my crafting and i'm waiting for a few things yet to come in the mail for the brother bc obviously he wouldnt be interested in a crochet scarf. I'm really proud of myself that most of what i did this year is handmade.

i've got a lot of resolutions for the new year. frankly i'm not sorry to see this one come to an end. it's just been rough. and not even winter-depression rough. those i know i can get through. this year has just made me lose a lot of faith in humanity. or maybe trust. i dont know. this year has just made me really really tired. maybe odd number years arent good for me?

i am not going to pretend that i know what the next year has in store for me. maybe a move somewhere maybe not. things with the company are moving slower in DC than they told us so there may not even be a job there for me to consider for awhile. but at least i've put feelers out. i'm genuinely trying to better myself or at least put myself on some sort of good track so that hopefully good karma will come back to me. i have to believe that everything does happen for a reason and this year will have been a good learning experience.

(lesson one? dont trust the eel.)

who has two thumbs and food poisoning?

This girl.


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is it too much to ask in this life to be able to trust someone and not be lied to? Bc my ability to believe is shot.

I'm tired of being made a fool.


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I can't sleep bc I had another nightmare abt being back in college. In this one I had to live in the dorms again too. Shudder.

Since I can't sleep I took the time to update my daily photo Shuttercal calendar. As its nearly the end of the year, it's interesting to see everything as the year progressed in pictures. There is only one day that I don't have a pic for- the day zach dumped me and started a clusterfuck for the next seven months of my life.

I still periodically feel furious/stupid/sad.

But that is neither here nor there. The point is its neat to see the year in photos. A whole lot of calypso. Me at different hair lengths and fatness. General day to day things and special occasions.

If anything it makes me glad for the people in my life. I have the greatest friends on planet earth.

And while I'm not looking so much forward to Christmas at all this year, for obvious reasons, I'm glad I can take the chance and show ppl how much they mean to me.

Anyway. Hopefully I can get back to sleep now. Much love.


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so. I bought a $15 Christmas tree. Partly bc I felt sad. Partly bc it was sad. Partly bc u needed a challenge.

It looked like this



But I new surely I could do something with it. And ended up with this




Not bad I guess. Other than having to be tied to things to stand.

It was a long holiday weekend. Havin to go to my aunts services was strange. The whole week was strange. I still don't really know what to think.

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so I found out that my aunt Agnes passes away last night. I feel awful that I'm not more upset about this. Maybe I've totally shut down emotionally? I do not know. I wasn't as close to her as I am to some other family, I only saw her and my uncle once a year at best. It's strange to have aunts and uncles who are well into their 80s. I guess I should mention mom is the youngest of nine and her oldest sister is older than dads mom. But I liked aunt Agnes a whole lot. Her personality is what I would call... Brassy. Everything about her was brassy. Her dyed red hair and her smokers voice. But she knew how to make whoever she was talking to feel like they were the most important, most special person in the room. She cooked how my grandma cooked (I.e. with butter as a main ingredient.) and call that what you want but to me that tastes like love. She had the best laugh and I always had a good time when they cAme to
Visit.

I've had three grandparents pass on, but I don't think I'm ready for aunts and uncles to do the same. I feel like I'm not old enough for these things yet. But I am.

So. I guess this holiday season remember to be thankful for family. They may be crazy and a pain in the ass, but they are yours and they love you anyway.


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while it was nice to get away this weekend, I was home and asleep in bed by 8pm. That's what kind of loser I am.

Helping decorate High Gate on Friday was nice, if for no other reason than to explore the 100+ yr old house. Here are a few pics:
















While I enjoyed helping someone else decorate for Christmas, I've decided that I don't think I'm going to this year. I don't have a tree and don't feel like buying one, and I can't lift my bookshelf to move it anyway even if I did have a tree. Plus, I'm just feeling a little more Scrooge like this year anyway. I've got the little ceramic tree I painted up on my mantle. That's just going to have to do it for this year.

I just want the work part of this week over so I can go home and sleep for a few days.


I just want to turn my brain off.


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so. Since going to Annapolis and running away for the weekend fell thru, I'm determined to still stay busy this weekend. Tonight I'm going to murieles, my fav restaurant on the planet for dinner. I figure since I didn't get to go on my bday I'll just take myself. Tomorrow Amanda and I are goin to Parkersburg for the night to stay with rachael. Her sister is having a party for her husband that we are invited to, plus, we just need to both take our minds off things.

Also, as If things aren't just wonderful enough, it turns out this thing on the bottom of my foot is a planters wart. It's not bad yet but it hurts like hell sometimes, ESP at the gm when we have to run. Don't google those things unless you have an iron stomach. Moral of the story is there are some ridiculous home remedies to try (duct tape!) before I should go get my foot cut off. Bc I really need somethig else to worry abt right now.

Anyway. Trying to keep my chin up. It's really all I can do. I hope everyone has a good weekend. Much love.

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I wish we lived in a world where people still wrote letters. I found beautiful personalized stationary that I refuse to buy bc it's too expensive when people don't check their snail mail regularly or write back in kind.

Note. I am one of those ppl who forget to check the mail.


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I hate seeing my friends in pain. I can deal with my own but I can't handle others in pain. A friend and her bf ended their relationship last night and now she is a mess. I feel horrible saying it but at least it gives me something else to worry about and someone else to try to help. I don't think I can really help myself right now, so at least I can support elsewhere.

I read about a study that said your level of empathy is genetic. Just another reason my DNA is screwed up.

Blugh. I just want everyone in the world to be happy and healthy.


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I think seeing my puppy look sad bc she can sense that I am sad is the saddest thing of all.



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i need someone to tell me that things are going to be ok. bc i don't see how that is possible right now.

how can someone love me and do this? i understand depression. i understand what a major sickness it is. but there is nothing ok about what has transpired. you cant go back from this. you cant just say sorry, send some flowers, and promise a lifetime without lies.

i dont know how i am ever going to trust again. and that is the worst thing a person can feel, that they dont know what to believe, who to believe. what is the point now?

i feel like i'm fraying around the edges. i cant be the one who is strong for everyone.

i am in shock. i'm confused. i'm hurt. and i cant function.

I also don't think it's humanly possible to cry more than I have today.

I don't know what to do with my life. But I can't keep doing this.


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my migraine is coming back and it's raining.

I don't know if it is humanly possible for this day to get any worse.

I feel like a fool.


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I'm putting in my formal request to transfer to DC today, if this new contract is awarded. I'm putting that out in the universe as an option, as moving to Lexington is no longer one.

As compassionate and forgiving as I am, it turns out there are some things I can't forgive. My trust in humanity has absolutely been destroyed.

I'm thankful for my friends. Once again having to pick me up and dust me off and standing by me without judging. I don't know what I'd do without these few people in my life.

If you know Anyone who needs a wedding dress, they can have mine. If not I'm donating it to salvation army this wrkend. Maybe someone out there will actually find a use for it. Bc I frankly think it will be a miracle if I ever get married in this lifetime, bc my faith in humanity is shattered. Trust and honesty are the two most important things in this world, and I don't know if I am ever going to find them.

I have all these crocheted squares for a blanket I'm not goig to finish. I feel like a fool about it now. I guess I cn make them into lap blankets for the nursing home. At least those people will care and be appreciative.

It's really hard for me not to be bitter. But I don't know how to trust when people consistently let me down.

I think if I had to put it in words, it would be the total grief you see in Emma thompsons character in Love actually when she confronts her husband. Turns out, I am not strong enough to stick around when I know life will always be a little bit worse.

So. Once again. I'm back to square one, figuring out how to take care of myself. Bc it's harder and harder to be strong each time I am so deeply and completely let Down.

I'm going to try to sleep now. Even an hour is better than nothing I guess.

Turns out, love doesn't fix everything. You have to be able to trust someone. And I can't.


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I have to be strong now. Harder than I've ever tried before.

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it's not that i dont think about writing. i genuinely do think about it. but theres only so many ways that i can say, work is good if not busy, the gym is still hard and i'm in a rut on the weight loss, though it probably has to do with the fact that i eat cake icing as a snack, i havent been online much in the evenings bc i've been doing a lot of craft projects and teaching a friend to do different crafts. and as you can see, i'm sitting at home on a friday night.

in my defense, i have a headache. i have a lot of those lately. i talked to the doctor and we're switching some of my drugs. so here's hoping.

it's veterans day and i thank any vet out there reading this. i know many out there and while i will always stand by the fact that i dont always agree with war, i absolutely support anyone who is willing to give their life for our crazy ass country.

and on this veterans day, me and my headache ate that cake icing and watched Bones on netflix. also, my dog stole some deli ham i planned on eating, ate it, and later threw it up on this very laptop. THANK YOU VETS.

note: i cleaned it. luckily it was closed.

also, go on youtube and type baby monkey riding a pig. you'll thank me.

i feel like i cant write bc i dont have anything exciting to talk about to entertain you people.

when i have something fun to say, i will tell you. much love from my general direction.

i've really done a terrible job keeping up with this thing as of late. but i just cant handle sitting in front of a computer any more than i have to lately. maybe its the change in weather, maybe its my attitude. i dont know what it is.

i had a really good weekend this past weekend. bethany came up and we had a really good visit. its nice to know that there is someone out there who feels the way i do about this moment in life, though i dont wish it on her or anyone else. where is the scientific study on what nearly 30 yr old females should be doing when they are still single? not even single necessarily, but not where they saw themselves at this age. now granted i didnt see myself as little suzy homemaker with aprons and pies and 2.5 kids. but i saw myself on that path at least. i feel like our generation is in such a weird place. the females had to step up and get the good jobs and educations and the males are living at home mooching off their parents. so now i've got the good job, a solid future, but the sharing it part is so cloudy. sure calypso is happy to see me come home, and she'll listen to me talk about my day if i'm willing to share my dinner with her, but it's just not the same.

but that was a weird tangent when i meant to talk about visiting with bethany. it was just really good to see her again. no matter how many months its been since the last time, we can always pick up right where we left off, with a bowl of ice cream.

we did a 5K with people i work with on saturday morning for the Making Strides for Breast Cancer thing. it was cold and windy, but it went really well. I walked/jogged by myself for most of it, which i actually prefer. it gives me time to think about all the people i know who are/have/could be fighting this and other things. if i start getting too negative in my mind about wanting to quit or slow down, i just remind myself that in the grand scheme of things, my fatigue and pain are fleeting and stupid. i see people like leah and lucas, fighting with everything in them to find some other option for lucas, giving him another year here, another month there. its terrifying. and they are trying so damn hard to keep it together. i'm proud and scared for them at the same time. but we did a good thing saturday morning and there were a lot of people out there, and it felt good to be a part of people who give a damn.

zach came in on sunday evening to stay a few days for school stuff. it was both wonderful and heartbreaking. i still dont know what is going to become of us. its not for lack of trying. however, i put some real time constraints on everything now. theres being hopeful and then there is being stupid. and i plan on by my birthday next year to not be living in morgantown. or at least be heading out the door. whether i end up with zach in lexington, or someplace like DC with work, i need to man up and finally get a change of scenery. i'm going to put on my big girl panties and move. and having even that for a goal has made me feel pretty good. i'm not going to let myself weener out this time.

that said, i feel like i need a new direction for this blog in its entirety. i know its mostly me getting on here and whining about very white girl first world problems. and when i read back over most of it i just feel like an asshole.

so i need to try to focus on new things. i want to continue to do healthy things. i dont know that there will be anymore 5Ks since it's starting to get cold out, but i can check it out. but i'm thinking that i need some new hobbies. here is where you a-holes come in. i need some ideas. i thought about looking into a cooking class, as we all know i'm a total failure in that area. and there are always art projects i could do, and i would love to do, but i feel like i'd like to do something more social. i need to not sit in the house all winter and mope. bc i'm feeling good about myself and i want to keep it up. i dont want to do like i always do and go in head first and get bored in two minutes. i feel like... like i need to do something meaningful. and i dont know what that is. so i'm going to stew on it and hopefuuly find something.

anywho. thats whats going on in my corner of the world. calypso is giving me the evil eye bc i've stolen her covers. she's started looking really old lately, all white around the eyes. makes me kinda sad.

anyway. i hope everyone is having a good week. much love.

Somebody found a new app




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Willie Friggin Nelson.


so. i had a really good weekend. laura came to visit and we went to the warhol museum and the melting pot. and then were lazy. and maybe the lazy part was best bc it was nice to just spend lazy time with family.

yesterday i was finally over whatever plague it was that i had that gave me a migraine and an assortment of other unpleasant things. if you start to feel gross, go take airborne. for reals. they have a chewable kind now that isn't so bad.

it's getting cold outside which is nice on one hand bc i love fall (as you all know if you've read for any length of time) but it has been raining today, which is just downright dreary. calypso and i didn't move from the couch for most of the day. sometimes though, blankets and sweatpants and books are almost perfect. i won't lie though, i was a little lonely.

i've been thinking seriously about taking a vacation by myself. going somewhere interesting that i've never been, like charleston sc or savannah. i have all this vacation time saved up that i was going to use on a honeymoon that i dont seem to need to save anymore. and while i'm pretty much terrified at the idea of traveling alone, maybe it's something i need to do. i'm going to think on this and not make a rash decision. bc i'm an old lady like that. but i would like to experience something new to me, something full of history. something to make me feel relaxed but energized again. and this time of year, while beautiful, can be a downer too, so maybe getting out of my comfort (read: funk) zone would be a good idea.

then again, i could just be talking out of my ass.

i dont like having a plan set in stone. i dont like the not knowing, and i feel like that's all my year has been. i need structure and i need some sort of positive outcome to be working toward. and i dont have that right now. i need to get off my ass and out of the house and meet people my own age, bc there aren't that many friends left living here for me to spend time with. i've got that itch to move again, but again, i feel like i don't have a positive goal to work toward. if i move one direction it could make things worse, if i move another it could make things awkward. if i move too soon or too late. i dont knkow. rambling again. i guess it boils down to i miss interaction with people and i need to get out there and find that. i only really have one or two people at work i spend any time with, and that mostly is at work. and then alisha and jason are always welcoming, but i feel like surely by now they are tired of me being a third wheel. if it wasn't for the trainers at the gym i probably wouldn't talk to much of anyone around here. and even though they are little kids and act and flirt like little kids, it does genuinely feel nice to at least have someone to joke around with. while they're busting your ass to do more reps on the bench press, of course. i think that amanda and i are genuinely liked at the gym, which is a nice thing since we whine all the time. one of the trainers told me that 'you can do it, kiddo' and i nearly dropped 15 lb weights on my foot from laughing so hard bc he is nearly a decade younger than i am. but it is really the only socialization i have anymore, and that is really hard for me, especially this time of year.

i'd think about going back to pottery but i've sunk all my spare paychecks into paying off those damn student loans. i actually live poorer now than i did in school, which is hard to swallow sometimes. i feel like i've gone through all the right steps and am waiting for that big reward, only to find out that you cannot pass go or collect $200. maybe i just need to realign what i thought the reward should be.

i dont know. these are not happy ramblings which is what it started out with bc i did genuinely have a good weekend with laura. i guess it's the weather and my crooked back. I feel like Archibald Craven from the Secret Garden (which if you dont know what i'm talking about, then shame on you, go read this book bc it is my favorite forever.)

so maybe yesterday's post was a little bit dramatic.

but when you get news from no where when you've had a migraine for two days and the chiropractor terrifies you, you just dont handle it well. or maybe its just me. i dont know. what i do know is at 830 last night i called a friend and begged them to bring me excedrin migraine before my head exploded like an overripe watermelon dropped 12 stories. (slight exaggeration).

i'm working from home today because frankly, i feel like shit. my head is still throbbing, my back hurts from where the chiro did whatever it is he did, and i'm emotionally exhausted, which means with all that combined, my guts have a mind of their own. this is not a pretty sight. i'm currently sitting in the living room with the heating pad, ice pack, blankets, a dr pepper, and a roll of toilet paper because i dont have tissues anywhere. this is not a pretty sight yall.

after talking to zach a little bit more last night, i understand why he wants to leave. i genuinely do. i just have a problem with the suddenness of it all and feeling like its my fault. i try to help and fix everyone and when i cant do that i feel like i'm the one that has failed somehow. and i dont knokw why that is. i've finally gotten a handle on taking care of myself (mostly) and i think it bothers me even more now that i cant fix everything.

i asked mom yesterday if i'd had any trama to my neck when i was younger, bc the chiro asked me if i had and i couldnt think of anything. she reminded me that i was in at least 4 car wrecks before i started school and several since then. one of those wrecks was 2 weeks after i was born. so surely somewhere in there i fucked up my spine. i'm really trying to sit correctly and not crack my neck and its hard to do. looking at my xrays scared me (to the point i got hot and clammy and the dr thought i was going to pass out). pretty much everything wrong with my back is fixable, or at least, can have the pain alleviated somewhat, but i'm young and have this many back problems? whats going to happen when i'm 40? 50? ancient? i'm a hypochondriac enough as it is, i dont need this to worry about too. also, apparently one-a-day vitamins are total crap, and i've just been wasting my time in taking them. good to know..

anyway. enough pity party. i need to eat something that isnt an oreo and hope this headache will go away.

i'm going to be fine. i know i am. just right now.. this really sucks.

so i have a migraine, crooked spine, and broken heart. where can i find a doctor to fix me?

zach is moving back to kentucky. tomorrow. this came as a total shock to me. i thought i was meeting him for dinner to celebrate my late birthday, instead he wants picked up at the uhaul place. needless to say i lost my shit. and somehow i'm the bad guy for being upset by this. i'm sorry, i thought i was being helpful and trying to work something out. instead he is running away and i'm left here holding the baggage.

i'm a mess.

it didnt help that i went to the chirpractor right before hand and he told me he didnt like the look of my xrays and was going to send them to a radiology specialist. bc there may be some sort of degenerative thing going on whch explains why i hurt all the time.

also i have a migraine and all this worry and crying hasnt helped it a bit and i just want to stab my eyeballs out.

i want zach to get better, but i dont think running away is the answer. i know its not, since its what i threatened to do so many times. but who am i to have an opinion here? apparently no one. my opinion does not matter. my feelings do not matter. i do not matter. and somehow i'm in the wrong for being upset by this. so sorry for having feelings.

i didnt think i was asking much in life. someone to love me that i could love back. someone to take care of me that i could take care of back. someone to laugh with. someone to maybe someday have kids with. if i'm such a good person like everyone says then why does everyone run away.

sure zach says he stilll loves me but wants to 'rollthe dice on this one'. never have i felt more worthless than hearing those words. i'm no better than a bet on a craps table. and the odds arent in my favor. and i know it isnt my fault that this happened, that it was happening long before he and i even met. but i tried so damn hard to help him and he wouldnt listen. this is one of those cases where i dont like being right. and i dont like this situation now, bc there will be too much pressure on him to drink. i'm so incredibly worried about that. all of his friends in lexington are alcoholics. thats not the environment anyone should be in.

i'm just babbling now. i have no idea in my mind what to do. i want to support and help him. but i cant sit here by myself for the next 80 years waiting on him to decide whether that dice roll should happen.

i genuinely thought that this was it for me. someone told me that seeing me in the pic of where i tried on my wedding dress was the happiest they had ever seen me, and that they knew this was right for me (this someone being someone who very much thought it was wrong for me). and if they can see it then why cant this be easy.

no. i know nothing in this world is easy. but i'm tired of hurting. i was happy for a year and it was the single best year of my life. and then i got blindsided and it all got taken away.

its like that god damn adele song thats on the radio right now.

i'm taking a sleeping pill and goin gto bed. and its not to run away from my problems. i am trying not to do that anymore. i just need to sleep bc i didnt sleep last night and i'm so upset/worried/hurting that i dont think i can function right now.

i'm sorry. i'm so sorry for being a mess all the time. i just want to be happy.

thinkin about my bday

so. my birthday is sunday. and i'm not going to lie, i'm actually dreading it. to the point that thinking about it makes me want to cry.

it has been such a rough year. it started out so well and then just spiraled down. i know logically i have many things this year that i am thankful for, but i think the overall word for 27 will be exhausted.

i am proud of myself with work. and i'm very proud of myself that i've taken control of my health and am eating better and going to the gym. but i feel like a failure in the personal aspects of my life. that, if i had done this or that, would things be different?

they're talking about government shut down again, and if it happens, i'm just going to get the dog and get in the car and drive. i dont care where i go. i just want to go. but thats just me always wanting to run away from problems instead of just dealing with them like an adult.

things that i hope for my 28 year. i hope i continue to get healthy, physically and mentally. i hope that i do good for others in any and every way i can. i hope i sort out my personal life and if not feel good about my choices, at least know that i can learn from them, grow from them.

i've had to do a lot of growing and learning lately and frankly my joints hurt.

which makes me think. i've been joking for years about wanting to go to the chiropractor for my birthday. so this year i figured, fuck it, thats what insurance is for, and i am going on monday. i'm legitimately excited about that, bc ever since i broke my butt, i feel like i'm crooked. maybe i can get fixed and that will fix my outlook too.

i know i have wonderful people in my life and i'm thankful for every single one of them. bc so many times i've counted on others to carry me. and this year i'm going to try to do better at carrying myself. but i feel like a little kid wanting to ask, are you there God? it's me andrea. i need a sign. a big one. very obvious one.

a very busy weekend is coming up, and yet even in the midst of so many people, i feel incredibly, painfully alone. and that isn't whining, thats just wondering what it is i'm doing wrong.

obligatory memory post

I feel like everyone is doing their 'ten years ago i was...' speech. and while i feel like that diminishes something about what happened, i feel like maybe it's important for everyone to share that memory bc it helps connect them to other people.

so. ten years ago i was a senior in high school in middle of nowhere WV. I lived in my own little bubble and wasn't about to take off my rose colored glasses. I was sitting in my Physics class, goofing off bc our teacher was in one of his moods where he didn't feel like teaching. (this was a common occurrence, but neither here nor there) someone had to have come in to tell him to turn on the tv bc he didn't often let us watch it, but we sat and watched the news while he played solitaire on the computer. i remember him making some glib remark about the pilot being a drunken idiot to hit a building. when the second one happened though, even he shut up. i remember my journalism teacher next period frantically trying to contact a family member who was supposed to be in the nyc area for business. but i feel like for the most part, we just went about our day. we didn't know really the full impact of what the hell was going on. we were sheltered in the mountains, ignorant to just about everything. i think thats why i still feel so strange about it all, bc it didnt directly effect me so I don't feel like i'm connected in that way to what happened. if i look back over the last ten years i think the only 2 things that came from it that really struck me was when i had to fly and the whole process was a pain in the ass, and my freshman year of college when the dorm took us on a bus trip to nyc and our first stop was the hole in the ground that was the towers. i'm not even kidding when i tell you that i don't remember at all what it looks like. did i block it out of my mind? i guess i did.

i feel like this whole post has made me sound very callous. but those of you who know me know i'm a bleeding freaking heart. i guess now that i'm out of the holler and have more technology and things at my fingertips and can see the photographs and can watch/listen to the recordings, it does all become more eerie and sad. but for me at the time, i guess i was just too sheltered and ignorant.

i do wish many good thoughts and prayers today to those who lost loved ones. that probably doesnt sound like much after that rambling post, but i do honestly mean it.

Benny, Jet 1, Jet 2, and Jet 3





Oxford Comma, Sammy Davis Jr Jr, GOB




Four currently unnamed, but open to suggestions

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Also I fell at the gym. Again. And hurt my ankle. And it's swollen. At least I could cry there and they thought that was why.


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I think my problem is I hope and hold on for things, trying to fix them, when I know it's out of my hands to fix. When you've tried every possible thing imaginable.

I haven't cried this steadily since the end of April. Tears don't do any good. They never have.

I can't let myself lose it again. I am allowed to cry myself to sleep today. But I have to get out of bed tomorrow. I have to keep going.

This week, especially this long weekend, are going to be really hard. I should be celebrating one year engagement, eleven months til my wedding. Instead, fittingly, I'm going to the funeral parade.

Sometimes I hate myself. No matter how hard I try it's just not ever good enough.


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I'll say it. I'm sad. I genuinely thought zach and I could work out stuff by now and we'd get back to where we were. I tried. I don't know what to do anymore though.

It's weird. To have planned a wedding and expecting to be with someone the rest of your life and then that just not happen. I may or may not have sat staring at my dress and cried today.

The rain fits
My mood.

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I haven't blogged in forever. The thought of being on a computer anymore than I have to lately makes me want to claw my eyes out. My mini vacation was nice, sitting by the pool and reading, but I was not ready to come back to my desk like I thought I was. It didn't help that I also got the plague this week. By closing time today I just wanted to scream and throw something breakable.

Also, does anyone know where to sell a never worn wedding dress? I forgot I had it at a friends house until she brought it over bc she's moving. It's currently wadded up in a closet.

I made clay beads this evening. The only time I use my oven is for art projects. Now I need to acquire a Staple gun. (different project)

I watched the frog prince on Netflix bc I'm ten years old.

The titty bar across town had a sign that they are having something about weather weekend. I posted the pic and just remembered.


Calypso is prepared for the hurricane.




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So. I'm on a mini vacation. It hasn't started out all that well. But I know I needed it. I was edging on losing my shit again. Even if I'm not going anywhere, getting to sleep in was nice. Going to the pool to read here in a little bit will be nice. Now if I can just push out all the eighty million worries in my head.


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"I remember the first time my bulb burned out. I thought, "that's it! I'm burnt out! Eighty-sixed! To the showers!" And then my master gave me a new bulb... and I glowed."- lampy, brave little toaster.


Gene's Run for special Olympics. Four miles thru south park (the hills!!!) in one hour and two minutes.

I can do this. I can glow.

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101 goals in 1001 days, pt 2

so. i just realized thanks to reading Tonya's blog, that my 1001 goals in 101 days is up. Here i was thinking I had until October! woops....

i completed 60 in total, and 8 in partial, so for the goal of putting 2 dollars toward charity for each that isnt finished, thats.. (counting on fingers...) around 75 bucks for charity. So I'd like everyone to help me think of a good one to donate to, and email or message me and let me know.

I had already started working on my new list the other day. I'm going to recycle some of the old goals that I did complete bc they made me feel good, and am also going to re-add some of the ones I didnt yet do bc they are important. I calculated the new finish day and it is April 28, 2014. that seems like forever from now. but then, this date seemed like it would never come either and so much has happened in my life since i began the project. who knows what can happen in the next 1001 days?

at any rate. my new list:

1. Sponsor soldiers. Male or female or a group. Doesn't matter.

2. Pick a charity a month to donate to, even if it is just five dollars.

3. Lose 20 lbs.

4. Travel out West and see an amazing sunset.

5. Run (not walk) a 5K for charity

6. Crochet six more lap blankets for the nursing home

7. Visit six historical landmarks.

8. Donate $3 for each incomplete goal.

9. Get married. I know this one seems silly and out of character. but I want it to happen only if it is supposed to be.

10. Learn a new craft/hobby

11. Take a fitness class (zumba, yoga,spin, dancing, whatever)

12. Go on an Alaskian cruise.

13. Learn more about my family history.

14. Find a church that I like and go at least semi-regularly

15. Read three books about the Civil War.

16. Complete three random acts of kindness.

17. Take someone I love to Topsail Island

18. Make four new friends

19. Send birthday cards to at least 20 people.

20. Attend a play (local, broadway, whatever.)

21. See a movie at a drive-in theatre.

22. Pay for a stranger's meal.

23. Grow my own veggies (in a container garden if necessary)

24. Attend a music festival

25. Write 30 things I am thankful for.

26. Scan old family photos and post them online.

27. Do four photo-booth photos.

28. Write a letter to myself to be open in five years.

29. Participate in a Christmas gift giving program (Salvation Army, United Way, etc.)

30. Collect pressed pennies from places I visit.

31. Go camping with friends

32. Learn to do a cartwheel.

33. Buy a car.

34. Learn to drive stick-shift.

35. Clean out my closets seasonally and donate what I dont wear/need to charity.

36. Try six new foods.

37. Try to make gifts (bday, holiday, etc.) instead of buying store bought items.

38. Go geo-caching.

39. Get my passport.

40. Get my tattoo.

41. Make a birthday cake for someone special.

42. Attend a hockey game.

43. Visit one of those tourist traps, like the dino's in the PeeWee Herman movie, or worlds largest ball of twine.

44. Create a new list when this time period is complete (and remember the correct end-date!)

45. Live someplace with a real yard.

46. Once acquiring a place with a yard, adopt a friend for Calypso.

47. Stop being a weener and go get bloodwork and the full deal done so as to make sure I really am healthy.

48. Assist in a mentoring or tutoring program.

49. Go to Savannah, GA and visit the graveyard from Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil.

50. Go to Disney and ride the "It's a Small World" ride since it was closed when I was there in 4th grade.

51. Stop biting my nails.

52. Write down 30 things I am thankful for.

53. Ride on a train somewhere. A real one, with sleeper-cars and everything.

54. Take an academic course, even if it doesnt lead to another degree.

55. Own a really nice piece of antique jewelry.

56. become a godmother (no pressure Shainna...) so I can spoil a godchild

57. Be nice and not catty to every person at my 10 year high school reunion.

58. Travel overseas

59. Buy a drawer file thing for important documents. Locate said documents first.

60. Learn to snorkel

61. Host a dinner party

62. Introduce a child to the wonders of the solar system. Maybe take them to see a meteor shower like I did when I was little (i.e. lay in the back yard in sleeping bags.)

63. Create some sort of inspiration board of positive images and words to keep me going when I get down.

64. Get a professional deep-clean facial

65. Go skeet shooting.

66. Be able to do 50 push-ups (in one go)

67. Attend a Christmas Eve midnight mass. I'm not Catholic, but I have this feeling that it would just be a beautiful experience.

68. Have mom teach/help me make a quilt.

69. Write/post 100 things about me. anything things.

70. Make a scrapbook of special family/personal moments.

71. Frame my bib number from my first 5K with a photo of me and the girls and the dogs.

72. Pay off my credit card debt.

73. Volunteer at nursing home, children's hospital, or the like for at least 15 hours.

74. Try being vegetarian for one week.

75. Go on a picnic (with a basket and red checkered cloth and the whole cheesy works)

76. Develop all of my film that is laying around

77. Find a really good pillow that I like that I can actually sleep on.

78. Donate books to that prison library organization.

79. Build a closer relationship with my parents.

80. Go to the farmers market (when open) at least once a month instead of buying fruit/veg at the grocery store.

81. Buy indoor plants and actually keep them alive for a year. A WHOLE YEAR.

82. Have a good photo taken of me for Mammaw to put on the wall since she still has the one from 11th grade on the shelf.

83. Participate in a shopping cart joust.

84. Pack my breakfast/lunch for work for two solid weeks (with the plan of continuing)

85. Go on a road trip. This means at going far enough where I have to spend the night somewhere.

86. Seriously consider adopting a teacup pig.

87. Go berry picking.

88. Learn more about Henry Darger and his works.

89. Go to a park or some open space and fly a kite.

90. Watch ten old black and white films

91. Post a note on facebook and make an art/craft for the first five people who respond.

92. Write my will. for real this time.

93. Save all of my change during this period and cash it in at the end of 1001 days.

94. Write a 'postsecret' and leave it in a PostSecret book in a bookstore.

95. Read 101 books (this will be easy, but I like the idea of having to write them down.)

96. Learn the basics of ASL. I know the alphabet, but learn the important words like 'help' and 'thank you' and 'bathroom' and 'fire.'

97. Drink the correct amount of water for my body for a month.

98. Tell people that I love that i love them. Don't hide that shit. People need to know.

99. Write thank-you notes.

100. Stop buying bottled water and only use water bottles filled from the tap.

101. Make a positive difference in someone's life.



So there we go. And so I have a record of them, here are my goals from the last 1001 days. I'm really proud of where I've come.

End date: July 24, 2011

FINISHED, In Progress



1.Sponsor a woman soldier overseas



2. Send someone flowers just for fun 11/6/08



3. Buy an angel tree Christmas gift each Christmas of the project 12/06/08, (Salvation Army Child) 12/02/09, 12/4/10



4. Sing karaoke, with a group counts. Leah's Bachelorette Party



5. Start a real blog, not on myspace Complete 10/27/2008



6. Start taking a daily photo Complete 10/29/2008



7. Write one letter a month to someone important 11/08, 12/08, 01/09, 2/09, 3/09, 4/09



8.Start recycling and keep up with it for a minimum of one month with plan of continuing the good habit.



9.Use the Wii to work out at least 4 times a week for a period of one month with plan of continuing the good habit (i did not continue the good habit)



10.Hang up the photos on the red wall 1/03/09



11. Drink half my body weight in ounces of water for 30 straight days



12. Take vitamins everyday for a period of one month with plan of continuing the good habit



13. Take zumba once at week for three months.



14. Budget 10% of each paycheck to put into savings



15. Pay off credit cards



16. Take a new art/craft class at Michaels, Zen Clay, etc.- pottery at ZenClay



17. Go geo-caching



18. Write a will



19. Send out real Christmas Cards with real stamps with a hilarious picture of Calypso or something similar Complete 12/06/08, 12/18/09, 12/12/10



20. Travel out West to Colorado or similar just to see the mountains or desert, depending on which state I hit.



21. Reorganize my closet so that my work clothes are on the closer side while the t-shirts that I love but don't get to wear as often now that I have a job are on the farther side. 11/11/08



22. Tell someone how much I appreciate them each day for a month, following the alphabet (someone with name beginning with A, B, etc). We shall dub it The Andrea's Alphabetical Appreciation month, until we can come up with a better name. started and scrapped july 09 for internet creepiness factor.



23. Make a pie from scratch.



24. Brave the Beltway to visit Chris Short and go to at least 3 of the Smithsonian museums: Air&Space, Holocaust, WWII (it's not a museum, but it's still amazing to me, and i believe it counts)



25. Take photo-booth photos on seven separate occasions.



26. See ten foreign films: Amelie, Night Watch, Day Watch,Man Eats Dog, Happenstance, Priceless, La Vie en Rose, Human Centipede



27. Learn to snowboard



28. Visit the Andy Warhol museum 1/29/10



29. Take someone important to me to Topsail Island



30. Get at least 3 other people to come with me to the Mystery Hole 4/30/11 laura, ben, aunt beth, pat mcp



31. Send a message in a bottle



32. Send 5 postcards through www.postcrossing.com
This has been deleted as postcrossing is crap and nothing ever happened.


33. submit 2 secrets to PostSecret



34. Do the dishes every day for a straight month with the plan of continuing the good habit



35. Learn to play chess 04/14/09



36. Meet my brother's (now ex)girlfriend and NOT make fun of Michael in front of her during that first initial meeting. 5/9/09



37. Get a passport



38. See all of AFI's top 100 movies



39. Participate at least one time in http://gimmeyourstuff.blogspot.com/ this too is crap and just a scam, so was deleted.



40.Read ten books that have been on the Banned Books list that I have not previously read- Call of the Wild by Jack London, Eve's Diary by Mark Twain



41. Clean out my office which no longer looks like an office but more like an explosion. 4/11/10 (Only happened bc I'm moving, but still counts.)



42. Get my tattoo



43.Walk/run in a marathon that raises money for a good cause 8/23 (cuttin it close!) Canine Classic 5K for Animal Friends of Mon County



44. Go to a planetarium 1/2/10 Smithsonian Air&Space Planetarium



45. Carry change with me to give to the Salvation Army Santa Claus people when I'm shopping at Wal-mart.



46.Donate 2 dollars to charity for every task I don't complete on this list



47. Try soymilk 11/18/08



48. Have Dave or someone similar take my picture with the dog in a semi-professional manner that I could give to my grandmother so she can finally replace the photo she has hanging up of me from 11th grade.



49. Make/decorate a birthday cake for someone



50.If I meet someone special, go watch airplanes/people at the airport with them. 9/1/10 Morgantown Airport, WWII B-17 display



51. Learn to play poker I can play, but very VERY badly



52.Make 3 people soundtracks of songs that make me think of them. LL, BLM, ZH



53. Put up outside Christmas lights 11/23/08



54.take 3 new people to Coopers Rock 4/7/10-ZH, CH, JK



55. buy a dress that I actually feel pretty in and can wear on a casual everyday type basis 01/17/09



56.Write down one nice thing about myself every day for a month



57. put all the bags of sea glass I have floating around into one decorative jar 01/03/09



58. get rid of all my socks that are missing a mate 8/10



59.cook a real dinner that isn't just something that can be microwavable at minimum of two nights a week for a period of one month with the plan of continuing the good habit 5/11- 6/11/09. baked spaghetti is awesome!



60. keep my car clean for a period of one month with the plan of continuing the good habit. (kept it clean, good habit continuing did not...)



61. help mom put up the Christmas tree and keep my damn mouth shut when I think she's put too many lights on it. 11/30/08



62. continue to look online at least once a week for that magical dream job that I still have no idea what it is. I count this done, bc I absolutely love the job I have now, and it was not the one I had when I started this list.



63. spend one day where I don't plan to do anything that involves getting out of bed (other than necessary functions) but rather enjoy being lazy and watching tv or reading for pleasure. This day can only occur on a day where I am feeling happy, and not depressed because the stay in bed when I'm depressed days never turn out good and usually lead to stay in bed bc I'm depressed weeks. 1/1/11



64. if I like someone, and I mean in that kinda way like someone, actually tell them and not wait around hoping they get the point. (hey that was easier than i thought.)



65. for the period of one month write down something everyday that I am thankful for.



66. learn to play the Star Wars theme on a guitar and prove that I've done so to at least 3 witnesses its on video on the blog. sadly, i'm sure you watched it.



67. go on a trip with mom. I don't care what kind of trip as long as it is an activity or in a place that is not ordinary to us. beach trip 9/09



68. write a letter to my grandmother telling her how much I appreciate her for being a big factor in my life 9/5/10



69.make vegetable soup in my crock-pot 11/11/08



70. talk to my dad on the phone for more than 5 minutes once a week for a period of one month with the idea of maybe hopefully continuing it thereafter



71. attend a hockey game



72. taste three new varieties of cheese Babybel (edam),caerphilly,goat (i don't remember the brand or the particular name of said goat. but she was delicious), brie



73. buy a telescope



74.clean out my bedroom at home so that it doesn't look like a high schooler still lives there



75. get the oil changed in my car at the exact mile that it is supposed to. (will check car to find this number and post it) 3/07/09, 9/09



76. visit Savannah, Georgia



77. steam clean (is that what that cleaner thing is?) my carpets 01/03/09



78. try a new fruit or vegetable (this includes ones I swore I did not like as a child and haven't touched since) once a month. Oct 08-edamame, Nov 08-cauliflower Dec 08-snow peas, Jan 09- sweet potato, Feb 09-star fruit, March 09-cooked spinnach (still gross), April 09-rambutan, May 09- artichoke (super gross), June 09-regular peas (ok with butter),



79. learn to knit and make something more difficult than a scarf. Preferably a shrug or a handbag



80. make a self representative piece of art to hang on my wall 12/13/09 Tree on white canvas



81. paint my unfinished shelves that I have sitting in the office black and use them as end tables in the living room. 4/11/10



82. buy a small filing cabinet and put all those important documents that I always lose in it, like my birth certificate and job information and bills that I have paid



83. take a group of friends and go play bingo somewhere like the VFW once went with Lish and Amanda to the fire dept!



84. do an activity where I actively spend time with my brother, even if it is just drinking on Christmas Eve while watching A Christmas Story after mom and dad go to bed like we did last year.



85. write a positive blog for every negative blog for a 30 day period (not 30 days of blog, just whenever I blog in that period) in hopes of continuing the good habit of positive thinking.



86. get rid of all my shoes that I haven't worn in the past 6 months. 4/11/10



87. knit/crochet 6 shaws/lap blankets to give to people in the nursing home. 3 finished for Christmas '09, 2 finished for Christmas '10, 1 nearly finished as of 8/25 and so therefore am counting it.



88. put change in someone's parking meter when its run out so that they don't get a ticket.



89. volunteer with some type of youth organization. e.g. Big Brother Big Sister, Kaleidoscope, etc.



90. take a course or have someone good with cameras teach me to take quality photos. both z and my friend michael take amazing photos of different kinds (z prefers digital, michael does old school lomo, etc) and both have taught me worlds about how to take better photos.



91. bake cupcakes and take them to work for no particular reason



92. go through facebook/instant messenger/phonebook and delete the people I don't talk to anymore but just keep around to read about what they are doing. Complete 10/29/2008



93. actually mow my yard during the summer months (completed 4/10 as moving to place that doesnt require mowing)



94. keep a plant alive for 5 months with hopes of keeping it alive long after 08/08-01/09



95. get a Christmas present for my lonely neighbor kid friend. 2010- since i no longer have a lonely neighbor, i gave some to lonely co-workers



96. sell five items on ebay without purchasing anything in return.



97. have a yard sale



98. clean out my fridge and freezer



99. read three non-fiction texts on WW2 "My Mother's Lover"



100. chat up one person I think is cute, whether in a grocery store, at the bar, giving me a speeding ticket, etc . October 31, 2008. Thank you Halloween. :)



101. create a new list at the end of the 1001 days to complete.

i hate seeing people i love hurting. i can deal with my own hurt, but not that of others. mine i can bury and talk vaguely about and dye my hair (burgundy, as of the middle of the night friday. or rather saturday i guess.) but seeing others hurt and me not being able to do anything about it leaves me flailing. i just want everyone to be happy.

i havent left the house today. i havent even showered. so far i've read one and one half books. it was actually nice on the porch this morning and i was able to sit out there without feeling like i was drowning and roasting at the same time. i want to go swimming, but i dont want to leave a burgundy dye trail in the pool. i really dont think ahead sometimes.

i slept in my living room floor last night because at the time it seemed like a good idea. now i'm laying on the heating pad. i never hurt like this before i got rear-ended so i'm sure i probably did screw something up in there, but thats what ibuprofin was made for. the bursitis in my knee is getting a little better. we have to do the testing at the gym again on tuesday to see how we are coming along. i dont think that half a pizza i ate today will be very helpful. but i was able to run again yesterday at the gym, which i havent been able to really do in a long time. sure it wasnt very long periods of time, but i did it and i didnt throw up. i'm still overweight and still unhealthy, but dammit. i'm trying. i'm really really trying. i signed up for another walk thing. i cant remember if i said that already. (i think i'm losing my mind, but thats a whole other mess of fish) it's 4 miles through the nice part of South Park next sunday evening. i tell myself these things are for good causes and it'd be mean of me not to participate. this one is for the special olympics.

i went to little washington yesterday, just to get out of the house, out of town (its motorcycle weekend and they were saying over70k bikers were around), and out of my head for a few hours. it's so interesting to people watch. and to also get donuts, which is something else that didnt really help my diet.

i have that feeling like something is going to happen.i mean, i know things are happening, are always happening. but i still feel it. or maybe i just want something to happen bc i feel like i'm about to jump out of my skin again.

i feel bad that i wish it would start storming so that i didnt feel bad that i'm staying inside.

I hate not being able to sleep bc I can't stop worrying about things out of my control.

I'm tired of being tired.




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I've been thinking a lot these last few days, about Amy winehouse and her death. I always loved her music, her first album even more than the popular second one. And I was always fascinated by the tabloid cult following of her downfall. But she was one of those famous people that you actually rooted for. That you wanted to get better and continue to make crazy amazing music. And I legitimately was sad to hear of her death, even though from all the reports everyone seemed to know it was coming.

I cannot imagine the amount of feelings, not necessarily pain, but intense gut wrenching feelings one must have to turn to those vices. Did the feelings make the music and the music fuel the addiction? Or was it s circular sort of thing. Sober or not, any photo I've ever seen of her she had sad eyes. And it made ne want to take care if her or St least someone like her. To look at photos she was so incredibly beautiful before. It makes me sad to see people hurt themselves.

I don't know what the point of this post is. I keep listening to "Valerie" and hoping that maybe this happening will make a lot of people, famous or otherwise, realize what they have to lose. Everyone has a talent they were put on this earth to share. And it's
Sad when that talent is wasted.

That was a strange rambling post.


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Today I am thankful that I'm getting healthier and was able to complete a 5k. With friends and our dogs. It was really great and I honestly can't wait to do it again.



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Today I am thankful for home sweet home




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Hello Blog, it's me Margaret.

I swear I haven't abandoned you. I just have zero desire to be on a computer any longer than necessary lately.

What have I been doing?

1) Going to the gym and getting my ass kicked. Last night I ran the longest I ever have. And then I had to lay in the middle of the gym floor so I wouldnt revisit my lunch. Which wasn't that good the first time around, frankly.

While I may not look it yet, I feel better. I want to get to the point that I can run a 5K, which is on my next 101 goals list. I even got tested and fitted for the proper shoes so I don't hurt myself.

I Also took a yoga class which is awesome and I think I am going to sign up. Watching how those instructors can bend is mind boggling.


Here is my semi-annual reminder to wear sunscreen. Do it people. Or Else.

I'm walking a 5K next weekend with the dog. That has disaster written all over it. I'm sure there will be highlights to tell you.

Otherwise, my life is dull. I sometimes go to the pool in the evenings. Watch crappy teen drama on Netflix. I've become a big ball of boring.

Love and sunshine.


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I'm really tired of being sad. Trying to keep up the song and dance is wearing me out.

But instead of whining, bc no one wants to hear that, I'll tell you an incredibly embarrassing story bc it's easy to make fun of myself for a laugh.

So I didn't know that the prescribed painkillers cause constipation until I couldn't poop. Let me just make it clear here and now that that is a big deal. So I went to walgreens and just grabbed the first kind of stuff to fix it I found (which turned out to be MAXIMUM strength generic exlax) bc it's embarrassing to know the cashier is judging you for your lack of pooping skill. And this is one of few skills I excel at.


The label said take two and the magic will happen (paraphrasing) in approximately six hours.

So I waited. And waited. And waited. And gave up and went to bed.

And then I woke up at about 3am to my guts making this awful sound. It's like that scene in Aliens right before the baby alien pops out of the stomach. And/or the toilet scene in dumb and dumber.

So I get to the bathroom, thank goodness for that. But whatever....stimulant is in that medicine is NOT FUCKING AROUND. I felt like I had the flu. I thought I was going to puke. I broke out in a cold sweat. My ears started ringing. And my vision started going black. I knew I had two options- fall to my left and crack my skull open on the sink and bleed out as I poop myself, or lean right toward the bathtub and turn the water on cold and put as much of myself as I could in thr shower while still maintaining a sitting position on the toilet.

Obv I leaned right. I also debated calling my mother to cry but realized how ridiculous that conversation would be:

Me: sobbing hysterically
Mom: what's wrong?!?
Me: I'm dying from pooping!
Mom: (hangs up phone, trying not to let me hear her laughter)

So instead I cried to myself for the next hour while the dog sat in the doorway, staring at me with her judging eyes.

We will NOT be taking those pills again. Ever.

So there you go. I've officially reached a new low and told a poop story on my blog. I hope we can still be friends after this.

Much love from my general direction (which, if you forgot, is leaning right. Over the shower.)



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i havent posted lately bc i just havent felt like it.

it is surprising how many things hurt when you break your tailbone. i'm completely over sitting on a donut all the time,but i still have at least 2 weeks.

the gym is going well, or as well as can be. having a personal trainer definitely works, bc they wont let me punk out. i've been more active during my appts than i have in...well.. ever. and it helps having a friend train with me bc we cheer each other on. i'm bench pressing things. i'm hiking on a treadmill. i'm beating the hell out of a dummy. i want to die during but i know i'm getting healthier. a friend of mine who has been going there for 5 months has lost 22 lbs and looks fantastic. i hope that i can do half as well.

i've been so busy though that i took today off from life. i slept til 11. went to lunch with friends. took an afternoon nap. took an early evening nap. and now am about to go to dinner with friends. its been so nice to sit with the porch door open and a breeze blowing through.

i dont have anything of interest to write about. after laura's wedding everything calmed down. which is more than fine with me.

Today, and everyday, I am thankful for my family and the wonderful memories they have given me. Laura and marks wedding was beautiful and perfect. And I'm so happy and honored that I was a part of their special day. I love them both so much and this is one memory of my whole family I will hold on to for a long time.





























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Today I am thankful for Lortab. Last night at the gym, I broke my ass.

I wish I was kidding.

Do you remember that cheesy exercise equipment where you put booties on over your shoes and then slide back and forth across that slick surface? Now picture me doing that. And then falling directly in my tailbone. This hurt like hell but hurt my pride more so I got back up and tried again. Three slides later and I'm
Back on my ass. It hurt all evening. Sitting on the toilet made me tear up. I couldnt sleep for shit and decided to go to urgent care. Even sneezing hurt.

So I went. And do you know how embarrassing that is? I had to get X-rays. And after about five of them the technician asked if I was planning on getting pregnant any time soon, bc I shouldn't, what with all these X-rays.

Uh....

So I'm hopped up on lortab, Sittin on a donut cushion.

So send good thoughts toward my butt. But more so, send them to mother nature so it doesn't rain on Saturday for lauras wedding. I'm so excited. I still need to write a speech.


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I know I need to make a real post about lauras bachelorette weekend, but I am exhausted (day one at new gym) so I promise that will happen.

However I wanted to Add to my list. I am thankful for little Lisa laughter. It brings a smile to my face. I made two new tiny friends this evening when I was out walking the dog. They wanted so badly to per her but were afraid. The older, who was four at most, finally touched her tail and then squealed with glee and started laughing. It was exactly what I needed to hear today.


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I'm thankful for our armed forces past and present. There are no words for how much they did for us. If you want to donate to a good cause donate to one of the many that does things for our vets.



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My blue heaven


Today I'm thankful for sunny days on the lake with friends and the memories of all the great boat trips we had when I was very young. The lake will always equal summer at home.

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I'm thankful for cool spring breezes and lazy evenings



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You always hurt the people you love the most. :-/


Spending the day planting flowers.

LL


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Rest in peace macho man Randy savage. I spent many a weekend jumping off the back of my grandmothers couch onto my cousin bc I wanted to be just like you.

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Lonely feet



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have you ever driven several miles in the wrong direction before you realize this is not the way home? no? me either.

thankful four.

for.

being able to provide for myself. even when i didnt know what i want to do (who'm i kidding. i still dont know what i want to do) i did know that i wanted to be able to take care of myself. while i appreciate help, i feel better when i can stand on my own two feet. roof over my head, food in my belly.

i know i'm lucky to be able to do this.

i know this may be a weird one. but now especially, when i'm back on my own, being able to take care of myself is a good thing.

what are we up to, #4 of things i'm thankful for?

sooner or later you know i'd have to put my idiot dog in here. maybe its bc i just finished reading Until Tuesday (book about an iraq vet and his service dog. highly recommend it.).

i don't think people who dont have pets understand the bond that is there with a dog. or cat. or whatever animal you choose. they have unwavering affection. they curl up with you when you are sad and are excited when you take the time to play with them.

i will never say that calypso is a good dog. but she is entertaining and loyal and funny and crazy. i'm so very glad that mammaw got her for me as a graduation gift. it has been incredibly helpful to have her here lately especially. it is going to be really hard going back to living by myself. i'm not at all looking forward to the idea of this, but i dont really have a choice now do i? but i dont want to go down this sad sally trail of thought. as of thursday it will be just me and the dog again, and i'm glad for her company.

i just wish it hadnt ended up this way, is all.

Thankful 4. I'm thankful for best friends. Whether near or far, I know my bf will be here for me. Even when I'm being a whiny bitch, which is often lately, I know if I need something I just need to make a phone call. It's been a crazy couple of years in our lives but it's good to know someone out there always loves me no matter how badly I fuck up. I have a lot more I should say but there aren't enough words.


Love you so so much



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thankful day 3

well. today i am thankful for lowes. lol

morgantown had a monsoon yesterday afternoon. it rains here sure, but it was insane how much and how hard it rained in a short period of time, and then kept steadily raining. so much that lish and jason's basement started flooding.

so we had to hurry and carry all of my stuff upstairs and as much of lish's stuff as we could get out of the way and up on high surfaces while jason tried to use the shop vac to get water up. but it kept coming in faster and faster. so lish and i had to go to the magical lowes and buy a pump thing.

at the worst of it there was over 8 inches of water in the basement. but the pump thingy got that taken care of in short order. it was the craziest thing i've ever seen happen.

we saved almost everything from getting wet except the new unfinished doors they just bought that they were going to stain and all that stuff today actually. but they think that the insurance will cover the price of those. so if anything, we had a hell of an adventure.

and then we watched one of those ghost shows and ate dairy queen to celebrate the fact that we didnt need to buy a boat to get around. from what i hear, a good part of town flooded, so i guess we are very lucky.

i'm trying to stay very busy. thats the only thing that makes sense right now.

hope you all have a goody day.

Thankful day 2

Today I am thankful for zach. I know that may seem strange under the circumstances, but I genuinely am. I learned a lot abt myself while in a relationship with him.

I know there are a lot of things that I could say that would make no sense to you, especially now, but he showed me I am capable of being part of a couple.

I don't want to get sappy or worse, more depressed. But I miss the Stranger a lot.


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Well. I have an apt. Not the one I was supposed to get bc they accidentally gave that one away.

So my options that were left? A Lower level with almost zero sunlight. Zachs old apartment. Or
The one above his old apt. I chose the least of three evils and went with the above one.

It sucked having to pay a security deposit and pet fee all over again. But that's life I guess. I can't move in until the 19th. I just want it over with.

I promptly got back in my car when the paperwork was done and bawled my eyes out.

This is not where I expected my life to be.


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I go sign a lease at 2pm today.

I feel like I am going to throw up.

Please remind me that this is the right thing to do :(


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I can't sleep and I dunno why. Maybe it's the storm and the bed that isn't mine. But I've given up ready a crappy book and decided I would be productive instead.

I still have several things to complete on my goals list that I need to kick into high gear. As I went down the list, the one that seemed most beneficial to me right now was a months worth of posts about things I am thankful for. Bc sometimes you just really need to remind yourself of these things. And while I don't think I will post every day, I will do a months worth, 31 posts. I think that seems fair.

So today I am thankful for lisha and Jason. They've helped me move more times than i can count, and this time they even took me in. On very short notice. I know it's cramping their style, but it was never a question of whether it was ok with them. They offered before I could even ask. They took care of me in a time where I'm nearly incapable of taking care of myself. They are supportive without judging. I know this hasn't been ideal for anyone, but it's good to know if a problem arises that there is always someone there to help me out. I try to be like this in my own life, but sometimes I can't see past my own nose and fail others. Seeing how easily and willingly these two do it makes me want to try all the harder to be a better person. When I move I am buying them many many flowers to plant in their beautiful flower garden.

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tuesday. blurgh.

so today i woke up with a migraine. fitting really at this point. i've hid in the dark for most of the day.

i went and looked at a new apartment today, which was one of the hardest things i've done. ironically, it was in the complex where zach used to live. i sat in the visitors parking waiting for the landlord people to come over and had a breakdown bc it was the exact same parking spot i sat in over a year ago when i was nervous about going to meet zach for the first time. had it been the same apartment, i'm pretty sure i would have had to be committed. luckily, it's not.

however, they cant sign me over to this one until they get me off the other lease, which apparently is some big damn deal. i think this is crap since they are getting money for 2 apartments, but i guess i understand they have to be legal about it. luckily i told them whats up so they are going to try and make it as quick as possible. so i'll probably be moving soon. again. it's not what i want to be doing, but i understand that it has to be done. it just sucks really really really bad.

i went with lish for a walk this evening bc i figured at least i can tire myself out and maybe actually sleep tonight. we walked from lish's house (which is in westover) and went all the way to high street and back. that is 90% up hill both ways. i didnt think i was going to make it but i did. i'm making it through a lot i didnt think i would make lately, so. theres that i guess.

i cried at the grocery store today bc an old lady told me she wanted to die already. what do you say to someone when you here that? i ended up buying a bag of dove chocolates and a dr pepper and eating/drinking most of it.

i know logically i need to do this. and i know logically zach needs to do this. but jesus. this wasnt supposed to happen.

its sunday and i'm homeless.

that sounds harsh. i'm not completely homeless. alisha and jason are letting me stay with them until.... well. until zach and i fix this or i find a new apartment. i feel awful i had to ask them to let me stay, but they are great and didnt even think twice. and i'm thankful for that.

i have hinted to it, but i'm sure you've guessed what's going on. i knew something like this was always a possibility, bc not everyone understands depression and ups and downs. and i get that. and thats why i'm not mad at zach. i cant make it clear enough i'm not mad at him. i'm sad that he is hurting so much and i'm sad that i cant fix it. i know he loves me and i love him. but i hurt him and i cant take it back.

and i am better than i was. i'm getting healthier. tomorrow i'm joining a new gym with my friend amanda. its disgustingly expensive so i will feel guilty if i dont go. but alisha goes there and likes it and so i'm hoping it will help me get back on the right track. i know i am healthier mind and body than i used to be. and i want to keep working toward that goal even though i'm completely heartbroken. i dont know what else i can do for zach or the relationship so i'm going to try to take care of myself right now.

but that doesnt mean i'm not crying myself to sleep every night. bc i am. bc this is horrible. i know i dont deserve to be blindsided by this. but we were supposed to be married next year. i was planning a vacation for zach's birthday. all these things that i thought were there and now they are gone and i dont know if i can fix it. i've never felt more naked than i do without my ring.

and i know that sounds whiny and i apologize for that. but believe me that i am trying. i made an appointment with a new therapist since mine moved away. this time i feel better about going because i know what is going on and i know that they can help me find the right ways to keep helping myself. i want to help us, but if i cant do that i want to at least help myself.

and i know i sound all positive right now. i'm not. i'm barely keeping it together. but its not depression sad this time. this is broken love sad.

i dont know what is going to happen. i know what i want to happen, but that doesnt mean it will.

please pray for me and for zach and for us. thank you all.