sometimes its things as simple as this that reminds me to stop, slow down, and smell the flowers.

i hope everyone has a good weekend.

weird headspace

i've just been in a weird headspace all day. that dream really set me off kilter. i wish i knew if it meant anything or just another product of my crazy imagination.

tell me what it means.

dont forget about my question asky thingy. i've been getting a lot more hits lately, answering as truthfully as i can stomach right now.

i gave everyone at work a chanchito today and they all liked them. i always feel better when i can do something nice like that. everyone seemed to have a good day, so maybe they really did bring good luck.

i saw a car catch fire this evening in the complex and the vfd came and put it out. it was more trailerhood like than anything i ever saw actually in the trailerhood. of course i was standing there gawking at it (like everyone else) in my sweatpants and tanktop, looking trashy as hell. gotta give a good impression to the neighbors, ya know.

and then i got all into that fire that i nearly set my own kitchen on fire baking more chanchitos. woops. thats probably the most my stove will ever be used.

so my bedding came in today, and its exciting. i thought the mailman did a very good job of making the package inconspicuous:i've decided saturday i'm legitimately getting everything finished, which really just means getting my photos/art on the walls. and then everyone will be proud of me and i'll be able to feel good again.

laura said my dream last night (yes, i am going back to that, it's seriously driving me crazy) was sorta like the plot of The Fountain. i've never seen this movie, so i read up on it and i see the similarities. i almost want to go watch it just to see if maybe i can figure something out. i'm crazy. i know. it makes no sense.

i just need to know.

my crazy dreams could be a made for tv movie

i just woke up and wanted to write this down before i forgot too much. these dreams have made me bone crushingly sad. bc it was a story withing my dream. of an evil genius writing a book and showing it to me. only it wasnt fiction it was a history. bc in my dream reincarnation was real. and it followed the lives of twocharacters and how they always ran into each other in each of their lives. sometimes they would make it together and sometimes they wouldnt. the last life they did, this one they didnt. that way the book was never ending. it showed them through the great depression, through the great war, the plague, the colonization of new worlds, the time of the celts, the building of the pyramids, all the way back to adam and eve. that this was part of their punishment for eating the fruit that each time they came back and had a chance to make things right only there was always some risk or obstacle they had to overcome for it to happen. sometimes one or the other or both failed, sometimes it worked.

then somehow it was at a ski resort. and i was supposed to meet the stranger because i hadnt seen him in awhile (which is accurate but neither here nor there) and i didnt want the two characters to meet because that would change the course of the story. only to find out that the EG had been watching over the whole time and knew about the stranger, that it was a part of this story and thats how it had to be. and right before they met.. my alarm went off.

i dont know what this means. but i woke up dripping in sweat. i dont know if i have an evil genius watching over me. i dont know why the stranger has popped up in my dreams for the first time. i dont know why through most of the dream i was carrying a snowball that i kept packing tighter and tighter as it melted in my hands. i was freezing all through the dream, yet somehow i woke up sweating and shaking.

it probably doesnt mean anything. there is no such thing as a second chance reincarnation. just another product of my crazy crazy brain. no wonder i'm medicated.

this time baby, i'll be bulletproof.

1. i have a couch now. and the people who sat in floors did rejoice.

2. i have no life (but you knew that) so i spent my evening sculpting chanchitos. a chanchito is a 3 legged pig figurine typically found in chile given to those who are your friends/love. once upon a time i had one and i loved it for its cuteness. and then i broke off its tail and one of its legs on accident. there were tears. and i was thinking about it at work today and decided i could make my own. so here is a very crap photo of one of the 12 i made this evening.
3. because the CRJ is sick and i cant do something nice since he and the gf live a billiondy miles away, i will comply to his 'demand' to see wtf i look like in pigtails. it's not that exciting. but this is how i rock my wedsneday evenings.
i am a freakbaby with two dimples on one side and none on the other. i maintain that this has something to do with falling out of the Kroger cart as a baby. of course, i also thought i was born with a tail, so who am i to say anything.

i hope you had a wonderful day. i miss you all. more than you probably know.

dear spring, we need to have a chat.

um hello. it was below freezing last night. what IS this garbage? princess needs at least 60 degrees and sun at all times!

no but really, i think i killed my plants. woops.

anywho. whats going on, folks? i feel like i've been all me-me-me again and didnt ask you how YOU were doing. apologies all around. i've caught up with a few of you via email/msngr, but i just wanted to remind you that i'm here and if youre sad/stressed/hungry/etc i'm here for you. and i'll come up with some funny story at my own expense to make you feel better. like that time in 5th grade i fell off the bus. that's a good one. especially if i reenact it.

but anyway.

i've been making plans and writing them on calendars so they are real plans. like to go to columbus in june and lexington in july to see my girlies. i've not been at my current place of employment long enough to take a 'real' vacation, so i'm just going to take a day here and there. and i'm excited for it. i dont feel the desperate need to run away from this town like i have in previous years, and thats big for me, yeah?

i thought about doing one of those 365 photo-a-day things that you see online a lot, where people take photos of themselves every day. but it would mostly be photos of me looking like a semi-professional trainwreck, as i do today. wearing glasses bc my allergies were driving me nuts. no makeup bc i wanted that five extra minutes of sleep. hair in a messy ponytail because its at that length that it drives me crazy the way it sits on my neck. and then work clothes that dont quite match but dont quite not match. like a scatterbrained librarian. i dunno. maybe i'll take photos sometimes. especially with my neato phone app.

i had (as always) crazy dreams last night that involved weddings, lots of makeup, and cowboy boot-shaped dustbusters. seriously. crazy crazy dreams. no wonder i wake up exhausted.

and i want some crazy hair

so everyone i've come in contact with today is just in a funk. i blame it on the weather. and/or what i have now determined to be food poisoning, since 7 of 8 people at dinner last night got sick. i think those are pretty bad odds and i'm going to have to start dating a new mexican restaurant.

so i decided that its time for a new jumping on the bed, dance fighting, getting out of a funk song. and let me tell you i can jump so much more effectively in the townhouse since it has vaulted ceilings. no more cracking my face off a ceiling fan! and this song has somehow become the most recent bed dancing song. and also i'm jealous of her hair. i could not pull that off. maybe the 80s robot makeup but not the hair.

it's nearly time to change my hair anyway. i wish i could pull off punkrock pixie princess. instead i am rocking pigtails. this look? not so hot. i think its time to go back to ridiculous redhead.

so. lets all buck up, little cowboys. its supposed to be boo boo garbage weather for the next few days, so we are just going to have to make our own fun and dance on our beds in our underwear and hope for the sunshine soon. a little Pump Up the Jam. a little When I Dip You Dip We Dip (oh yes. you remember that song, dontyou lie to me.)

i danced to Pump Up the Jam in 4th grade dance recital. we had god awful costumes with sequins and taxi driver hats with hot pink roses. picture it. gawky. crooked teeth with braces. coke bottle glasses. and i pumped the shit out of that jam. bc i was totally going to be a Fly Girl. you remember the fly girls. it was that, a pro skier, or an oceanographer. looks like i bombed out on those childhood dreams. however, i feel like my profession is finally the one thing in my life that i havent effed up in one way or another. hell, they gave me a raise. from my very first salary at the last company to what i will make when my promotion kicks in on the first of may, i will have gotten 27k in salary increase. and i think that says something about how much they find me worth it in this field. or at least this newest company. if i could just figure out what i'm doing right and use that in all aspects of life, i'd be on cloud 9. i just am going to have to figure out how to work harder at everything else.

in my quest of a new start on everything i ordered new bedding. i know this is zero percent important to the rest of your day, but it made me feel good. i picked it out just so it would match the 3 paintings laura made for me. and i feel good about it all. i know its stupid that something as simple as bedding feels like moving in a good direction, but its bright blue and a fresh start. waking up to something new. or something like that.

i'm feeling better. more evened out again. i want to go watch a baseball game and have a beer and feel sunshine on my face.

as fast as a leopard

so. crazy dreams brought on by the rain. evil geniuses. party dresses. wrecking cars and not being able to tell people bc you dont have their phone numbers. regrets. and i'm wondering what you regret. bc there is no magic genie with three wishes. there's just free will. i've got a couple regrets. most include not taking a stand earlier. i dont know. this past week has flipped a lot of things i was convinced of on its ass. maybe it's the weather. maybe it's the medicine. maybe its bc i watched gallipoli last night like i've done every april for the past couple years. and i know this is a rambling mess but i'm exhausted because i couldnt sleep for all the what if thinking i was doing last night. you know, between puking my guts up.

what would you do different in your life if you had the chance?

i would not have eaten this multigrain bagel. it is/was gross.

i'm not Losing My Shit sad. i'm just its raining and i've been thinking too much sad. plus the car wreck part of the dream was so realistic that i woke up sore this morning, so i guess i was tensed up and thrashing around. all i wanted to do was call before i slipped into a coma. just make one phone call. and i couldnt. and that terrified me.

this is dreary. i apologize. it's the rain.

rainy days

it is finally storming outside which means for the first time in days i feel almost completely human. its supposedly going to get worse but i'm ok with that. i like a good storm sometimes.

also, i yakked my brains up in los mariachis. because that is the classy thing to do. but really, i feel like a million bucks now.

no. i am not pregnant. thanks for asking.

so i feel like i'm neglecting my online friends lately. I rarely get to talk to tonya or shainna or especially the CRJ anymore because unless i'm online at work, i just am not much anymore in the evenings. and i dont know why. partly bc i've been so busy with moving and all that, partly bc i dont feel as much like i need the computer to keep myself sane. yeah i miss my friends, but i know they'll be there with or without the computer.

so i've determined that this week has to be better than the last. i cant see the stars but i know they are there. i dont know what they plan for me but i hope it's something nice. i saw something on another blog where a lady wrote a letter to her 18 year old self. i think i'd want my 40 year old self to write a letter to the current me. bc i'm really hoping there is a point to all of this mess, bc i surely do not see it now. things i think i think turn out to be the opposite. this happens way too frequently. and if jealousy only made you a green eyed monster, i'd be the incredible hulk.

so for now, i'm just going to lay in bed and think happy thoughts and wish on the stars i know are up there somewhere.lovelove.

on the brooklyn side

lets face it. i have some talents. i can make you laugh. i can make just the top part of my finger bend (try that, most people cant do that). etc etc etc. but.

i can not bowl.

even beer did not help much. we went out for lish's bday last night and not one game did i break 100. it was damn embarrassing. however i did get a strike.

so the sunshine out and i am laying in it. in the spot where my couch will go if it ever shows up. i dont feel sick or anything anymore, and that helps eight hundred thousand million percent. no, i still dont have things set up here and that bothers me, but i'm working on it.

so here are two photos taken with my weird app.

is the calm before or after the storm?

i feel like i'm forever apologizing for freaking out and being crazy. after talking to the CRJ i feel better and am not so convinced i'm going to get seizures or something equally horrible.

however i do feel horrible today. but that could be the result of several things.

the sun is shining. i always feel better when the sun is shining.

i'm still looking for the puzzle pieces. i'll find them someday. until then, the song and dance parade.

side effects include

so i've decided that even though i have a headache behind my eyes that makes me want to boot, that today has no choice but be a good day. the end. publish the book.

as i had my morning bagel with extra cream cheese, i decided maybe i should read up on the side effects of this new medication. the last one had stuff like cotton mouth, headaches, sexual disfunction, etc. so i'm reading along and i see none of those things for this new medicine. in fact it helps people lose weight, helps with adult ADD, and a handful of other issues that i'm sure ten minutes on webMD would convince me i have.

however.

side effect does include: seizures.

what? oh yes. that is the main side effect. oh, and an increased risk of suicide. isn't this drug supposed to help me NOT want to do that? now granted these things are rare even if they are the most common side effects. BUT STILL. an even rarer but exciting side effect is mania. so if you see me doing something you reeeally think even i wouldnt do, you should probably restrain me.

i know this is my overactive mind going nuts here. people are on these medications all the time and are fine, if not helped tremendously. and i hope i'm one of them. i definitely feel jittery today, like i could go run a marathon. maybe i should take up running.

so my weekend plans are blown to hell bc of goings on of this week. so i've decided to instead go drinking with the guys from work. this is never a good idea. but i need to relax and just enjoy myself. i can feel bad for it later.

Everybody Dance Now is playing on my ipod as we speak. i feel this is a sign that i need to get out of this funk and have a good day.

i hope you all have a good day too.

i'm still alive but i'm barely breathin

i feel like boo boo garbage, my dog is still locked in the bathroom and i cant get this effing song out of my head. i dont think anything breaks even.

i feel like there is this big puzzle and i'm missing that key piece that makes the picture complete. so you know if youre looking at a mountain or a pile of kittens or the death star.

i like that i can lay on the bed and see the sky. only its cloudy and i really need to see the stars tonight.

i'm trying to think of a funny story for you. how bout the fact that i would say 80% of the time i walk upstairs in this new place that i miss the 4th or 5th step. i have no idea why this is, maybe its a different length. and then i trip and come crashing down. walking. we should have mastered that years ago.

its earth day. do something good for the earth. i'm refraining from beating my dog. and i only have half the lights on. why am i afraid of the dark. did i tell you that? bc i am.

i need to do something. but i dont know what that is. the stranger and i are on the outs. its all my fault really. but thats a story for another day.

so. happy fun story. one time i got drunk and sang coldplay. oh wait, you saw that trainwreck.

i read up on my new medicine. its supposed to make me energized. so why am i in bed.

shuffle tap step step slide. jazzhands.

love.

dreams

i had ridiculous dreams all night of ghosts of hoggles past, more lying, angry wives who blame me for all their problems, getting my eye plucked out, and windfarms. the last was a different dream, but still. i dont know if the drugs make my dreams more vivid or my subconscious is finally catching me square between the eyes. it gave me a lot to think about though. i know this probably makes no sense or perfect sense. but lets just say, my dreams really woke me up. and hurt.

so the dog is still misbehaving and is currently spending her day hanging out in my bathroom til she stops using the entire downstairs as her toilet. i know animals have a hard time adjusting to a new place, and i'm probably being too hard on her bc i'm feeling crazy anyway, but its getting old.

so since i moved outside of town, i have about a 4 mile stretch of 2 lane that i travel each day before i get to a busier road that leads me through town. i thought i was going to hate that i now have a 20-25 minute drive to and from work whereas before it took me 12 minutes on a bad day. but so far i really like it. the drive is through a beautiful area, and it gives me time to either think about what i have to do for the day, or unwind. moving to the opposite side of town, outside of town, i think will be the best decision i ever made. it's a better environment for me (i can see the stars at night! you dont understand how much this makes me able to breathe again) but it gets me away from the convenience of fast food. i've been cooking for myself more. and thats always a good thing. i dont know. i cant explain it. i think even though it was an overwhelming one, it was a good change. i felt like i needed a gold star sticker for all the positive things i've been doing lately. so... i let myself splurge a little and bought this:

it's simple and its pretty and its handmade. it's my gold star reminder that things are getting better. i just have to keep working on it, looking at the stars, and remembering the good things. bc there are, and have always been the good things.

love..

blugh

sorry to be so vague and dramatic yesterday. i was having A DAY.

i woke up with the black cloud so i knew it wasnt going to be pretty. i'm hoping that this doesnt have to do with my switch in medication. my insurance decided i didn't need the medication prescribed to me and refused to pay for it. so my doctor called and told me he switched me to another drug that was similar if not a little stronger. it was this, or pay 400/month. and sorry, i just cant afford that. so i'm doing the whole shakes and wanting to boot thing all over again, since i'm coming off of one and onto another. i can tell a difference. i dont like it. but i'm poor. hell, i think anyone is too poor for 400/mo for drugs.

to make the day even worse the stranger and i had a hellacious fight. the type of fight where i usually just say eff you and walk. i dont wan tto get into it other than that the final straw was my evil dog shit all over his bed. i can find this hilarious today, now that its all over with, but yesterday, it was bad news bears. calypso has NEVER shit even in the vicinity of a bed. i told mom about this and she flat out cackled and then proceeded to tell everyone she works with that calypso shit in the bfs bed to tell him who's boss. i think mostly its bc she hasnt gotten used to everything yet.

but i didnt walk. bc, and this is a new concept to me, the stranger let me -be mad-. he didnt try to push more buttons or pretend nothing was wrong, he made me look him in the eye and tell him exactly why i was pissed. this talking concept. people, it's brilliant. i've never experienced it before. it's a fascinating way to deal with your problems.

the good part of my day was pottery. i'd been feeling like garbage about it the last 2 weeks and nearly didnt go last night. but the teacher switched me to a more advanced clay (different texture, is fired twice, etc.) and holy cow. i fell in love with pottery all over. i made the biggest bowl to date, and a couple mugs. i was completely in pain by the time i left there, but it was a good pain. productive.

so here is hoping today is a better day. i'm having lunch with co-workers and dinner with some very good friends. i hope this is what i need today. i recognize i have ups and downs and am getting better with dealing with them. but it is still very very hard.

today. today has not been a good day. i feel like i woke up with a raincloud and its just gotten worse as the day progresses.

good with the bad. i have to keep remembering good with the bad.

the beginning of something amazing

today has been a great day and its only 4. i am greatful for days like today because they remind me that good things do happen if i try hard enough.

so i had told my boss about my job offer in Charlottesville. he immediately got the ball rolling to see what they could 'do for me' to get me to stay here. and i hadnt heard anything from him in a week about it, so i didnt think much of it. i'd already decided to stay, i have a budget and can afford my new living arrangement, and all was gravy. well, soupy, at best, but still. they came back to me this afternoon however, with, how do you say, an offer i cant refuse. when you do a cost-of-living comparison, it was only a thousand dollars a year less than what i'd be making if i moved. and i get to be the lead writer for the entire coal program. and i know that is not important sounding, but it is really big for me. i'm glad i made the decision that i did. bc i get to keep working for a great company. i get to live in a place that i enjoy and feel safe in (which is a bigger deal for me than most realize) and i get to stay nearer to the people in my life i care about and care about me. all the things i didn't appreciate enough before. believe me, i appreciate them now.

also, if you want to check out the university english dept alumni page, my mug is at the bottom. it feels pretty good actually, for coming out of such a clusterfuck of a program. like the top turd on the shit pile. haha. so look it up or have me send it to you.

so this evening i have to go get one last load of crap from the trailer, go to the grocery store, and then by Shatner, I am cooking dinner for the Stranger. This obviously is only an exchange of services, since he's going to put together my new dresser and hang up my artwork. But still. there is measuring and ovens involved. It must be serious. if we get everything completed, i will take photos.

i told the Stranger about this blog, but i flat out refuse to give him the link to it. This comes from advice from the CRJ, which makes sense to me. This is my place, and i need to keep it my own. Even though you yahoos read it. It's just different. He asked me what I wrote about. I had to think about it for a minute. And I decided mostly its about being crazy and making people laugh. I think that's a good summary.

This isn't where i expected my life to be this time last year. Not at all. But I'll take it. Bc I can smile and not have sad eyes. And that is an amazing feeling.

moving, part whatever

it is nearly 4am and i'm writing because Evil Dog woke me up freaking the eff out. and now i'm WIDE AWAKE. so since i havent had time to blog, i thought i would.

moving. i seriously don't want to do this too many more times in my life. it is the most stressful thing i've done lately. i only had a few slight meltdowns, but i'll get to that later.

so. thursday i came over and unpacked the eighty bajillion boxes that the 4 of us had brought over. this was nice since i (thought) i got to organize all of my books. it turns out the Stranger forgot 2 boxes in his car, which totally messed up my whole system, but we wont tell him that. So my two bookshelves are completely full and i still have two and a half boxes just sitting in the storage closet. i feel like i should buy another bookshelf, but that will have to happen acouple paychecks down the road. Friday LJ came up so he and the Stranger and i brought a bunch more crap over and i got it all organized. i was getting more and more antsy about the parental units coming up until miracle of miracles, dad got sick and couldnt come. now i feel bad saying that, bc i do love the shit out of my father, but in instances like this, especially with the whole trailer bs thrown in, it wouldnt have been pretty. at all. so small mercies, i will take them.

so saturday, it was the big moving day. LJ and i started loading up as much crap in our cars as we could when..... LJ broke the porch. not even kidding. the shoddy supports that run the length of the porch had snapped and things were... springy. at best. so when mom and kyle got here, the day was halted so the boys could make a trip to lowes and fix the porch so we could actually get the stuff -out of- the trailer.

so we finally got the big stuff moved and set up. i had to wait around here btwn 4-7 for comcast (he came at 6:45) while they all worked at the other place, but i didn't lounge, i unpacked as much as i could. there is still a load of stuff there that i can get tomorrow, but other than that, everything pretty much is here. unpacked, not hardly. but at least the big stuff is here.

and i managed to keep my shit mostly together as mom judged the way i set up the kitchen, where i wanted the furniture, how i make my bed, how i'm OCD about how my clothes are in the closet, etc. She kept attempting to joke with the stranger (after making fun of his accent. at least i do it behind his back.) (kidding. i totally make fun of him to his face.) that 'you have to put up with this' and 'this is just how she is' and 'it makes sense to her and no one else' etc. had this happened, say, mid-January, i would have shot fire from my eyes and then ended up in a ball sobbing in the closet. but thanks to serious medication, i just rolled my eyes, gritted my teeth, and worked harder to get shit done.

of course now, as i always do, i second guess my decision here. i think ultimately it was what i needed to do. i needed a new, healthier environment from which to not necessarily start over, but maybe more like.. keep going in the right direction. i know i couldnt handle another winter in that trailer. i know the fact that i was working from home there all winter is why i ultimately lost my shit and got help. so i do think that was a good thing. but i dont want to do it again. i feel like i'm going in a good, or at least different, direction with a job i love, and a stranger who i like an awful lot (i gave him a key even. gulp.) and amazing people in my life who i am thankful for every day for putting up with everything that is me. so i'm really hoping this was another good decision. yeah it means i have a long drive to and from work every day. but it also means i have a little more space. yeah it means i dont have a washer and dryer. but it also means i have a dishwasher. yeah it isnt as cheap. but it has high ceilings, light color walls, and huge windows with lots of natural sunlight streaming in. there are pros and there are cons. i jsut hope the pros are worth it in the end. i think i can best sum it up like i always do. copping out and putting beatles song lyrics.

There are places I remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all


so thats the story of moving. its not an entertaining one and i apologize for that. i just havent had any good entertaining stories lately. hopefully that will change.

also, in case you are interested, Family Matters comes on nick at nite at 4am.

i wont post pics til i get everything in order, but here's a sneak peak:
yes. that is Henry the 8th and his six wives action figures. (refuses to refer to them as figurines) i'm such a nerd.

moving. part 1

seriously. the next time i decide to move, remind me to hire someone. this is bullshit extreme.

so i have probably 80% of the bathroom, 50% of the living room, 50% of my bedroom, 80% of the office, an 70% of the kitchen in boxes and stacked in the new place thanks to lish, jason, and the stranger. i did all the packing myself but the heavy lifting credit goes all to the boys. we packed up all four cars full of stuff and make the trip. everyone got treated to ihop for their efforts. and i was feeling really good about all of this and everything, until my brother texted me. i get the general idea that mom and dad are arguing about what to do with the trailer, and michael (and dad) think this is all my fault and i shouldnt have moved and i'm wasting their money and its stupid why i wanted to leave (its falling down, its dark and making me more depressed, etc.) they have known since i LMS that i would be moving out of here, and i gave myself the deadline of the end of april. i knew then i had the opportunity for the job in charlottesville and i knew that would be about the time i could move, so that was the date i set. i told mom. i assumed she told dad. i even put it all in an email bc i cant talk to them without LMS and she said she understood. so now that they are making me feel like garbage (mom wont even talk to me, and dad just yells saying we'll just leave the trailer and disappear, which cant happen bc then they and me will get sued) for wanting to better myself. like i'm not allowed to feel good while this shit hole is still here, even though michael gets to live at home rent free. i did LMS when he started in on me too, and i told him to get his own life in order and pay them rent before he even started judging me. but all together this does not bode well for a good weekend. i have a feeling when they are up here helping me move the big things there will be much LMS and i'm going to have to take a rhymes-with-manax. i'm really tired of feeling like garbage. i just wanted this to be a good experience. but nothing is a good experience. and once again, its all my fault.

that said. i really like my new space. :(

packing

so this packing business.... it's hard. i'm trying to throw away as much of the garbage i've collected over the years as i possibly can. and believe me, i have a lot of stuff i dont need. old birthday cards. broken electronics. dead flowers. aprons from jobs i had 4 years ago. so far i have seven bags of trash sitting on the porch ready to go out.

i'm not looking at it as throwing away memories. i'm looking at it as scrubbing down to a fresh start. i dont need those cards to remember that someone cares about me. i dont know. new starts, people. workin on new starts. trying new things. and i'm feeling good about it all. i'm scared shitless about moving, but hey. i'm trying.

i have too much stuff. i want to give it all away and just start over.

also, watch this. i love it twice.

and another thing.

dont forget about my random question page thingy because i was really having fun with that. and then i forgot about it. woops.

the stranger is back from the strange land from which he came (i say when its really just like 6 hrs away) this evening and i am very glad.

moving. sorta. probably.

it took me two coats of paint on the tip out to get so frustrated that i called the townhouses i looked at the other day and tell them that i'll be in monday to sign to move in next weekend. no, the trailer isnt -that- bad. but you can only put so much paint on it and not much changes. what is that saying.. you can polish poo but it wont become a diamond. thats a little harsh, but it's the general idea. the place i am moving has high ceilings and light paint and no wood paneling and heat and air that works all the time when they are supposed to and someone else who will mow the yard and a dishwasher! i seriously wish i could hug the person who invented the dishwasher.

so i went and got some boxes yesterday. and i have too many books, y'all. so far i have six good sized boxes and havent even touched my bedroom. i am only mildly afraid i'm goin to become that person who instead of hording normal things like papers or empty chinese containers will have stacks of books everywhere that you have to maze through. maybe i really do need an e-reader. i love books.

but i feel good about this. yes, i'm going to be paying way too much for this place, but i feel like this is the new start i need. choosing to stay here and not go to charlottesville was a big decision for me, but i dont question my choice. i do however, think i need a fresh start in a living environment. i've made a lot of fresh starts lately, and they've all been good for me. and i think (hope) this will be one as well. and if it's not... then i'll learn from it. and bitch to you all, of course. (harharhar)

so anyway. i guess thats all i really had to say. i'm not that exciting today. today is for laundry and packing. i hope everyone is well.

blah

today was just a crummy day all around. i got 3 separate nosebleeds. that means it's spring, y'all. and then our lady gaga tickets were sold out in ten seconds when all four of us were trying to get them. SAD.

however.

we young professionals at work are going bar hopping with a mission tonight. i even curled my hair for the occasion:

yes. i am a yuppie. and thanks to the meds, i can get schwasted in 30 seconds. i will not allow myself to serenade you all with coldplay tonight. bc tonight i am going to have fun. for tomorrow, i paint.

disgrunted nasal cavity

can you get mad enough to make your nose bleed? or maybe i just have deliciously ironic timing. but after checking my email today i was annoyed enough that i thought my head would explode. instead, my nose started gushing.

we are not amused. it all really upset me.

bc its gross outside

its gross outside and the wind is 55mph and the electric keeps going out and its raining sideways. so. i took a photo of myself. bc that's what i do. i love the crap out of this app and how it makes photos look. like its lovingly been in someone's back pocket for about 3 decades.

so. lets talk about some things. i said i'd talk about it in april, and i'm ready to talk about it. mostly bc i've discussed it otherwise. i have been offered a job in charlottesville virginia with the government. my salary, not to put real numbers to it, would be around 20k a year more than i make now, with federal benefits and retirement. and i have, tentatively decided to turn it down. i realize that the money and benefits are amazing. but when it came down to it, the company i currently work for treats me amazingly and i feel genuinely appreciated for what i do. i've discussed my offer with my boss and his boss and they are trying to create a new position for me that will give me a little bit more responsibility and (hopefully) a salary increase. it really honestly isnt all about the money here, but any money would be nice.

and i know a lot of you have been reading long enough to say, but andrea, here is your chance to run away and start over like you've been bitching about for forever now. and that is true. and i considered that. but i think the part of me that wanted to run away was/is the part of me that was LMS. (refresher for new readers: LMS=Losing My Shit) i honestly dont know if i would be brave and strong enough to uproot my whole life, in a city i dont know anyone, in a job that would be much more strict and over-the-shoulder-watched when i have good things here. and i do have good things, and i'm sane enough (barely) to recognize that. now granted, i'm sure i -could- have the same things there. but.... i dont know. i feel like i have to make a point that the Stranger had nothing to do with my decision. We'd been talking (but hadn't yet met face to face) when this info hit, and i told him i may move and he was understanding about that. and i didnt let the possibility of whatever is there to decide my decision, because this is one i had to decide for me and me alone. bc i need to start living my own life and not for everyone else.

i've 98% committed to the decision of staying, and have been looking at options here. i would like to move and see what a new place would be like, but i'm also interested in actually sprucing up the trailer. i'm going to go buy some paint tonight and this weekend i'm doing some heavy duty lightning up in here. everything that is wood paneled is going to be white. and i'm going to buy some lamps. and if that doesnt help, then i'm going to move someplace new in town. either way, i'm buying a new couch.

so. thats what is going on in my world. what are your thoughts on the whole situation? i genuinely would like to know what you think.

because it's time to talk about it

i haven't been ready to talk about the mining accident, mostly bc i want to know the outcome of the four still missing. the odds at this point just aren't good, but you have to always have hope.

i don't personally know anyone who was in this accident, but i know people who have friends and family members who do. mining is scary business, but its become such a way of life for most of this state. dad worked in the mines til i was in 1st grade, many of my uncles and my grandad on mom's side work(ed) in the mines. so at least at this point i can sort of put into perspective what this is all about. the stranger works for a big mining company (not the one in the accident, thank goodness) as the HR director and he said the worst thing he's ever had to do is go to someones home and tell them their loved one died in an accident.

i hate that it takes situtations like this to bring the state together. one thing WVians are exceptionally good at is being able to rally in time of tragedy. this state has been in a constant fight to survive since it was created, and i don't know that there will ever be any difference in that aspect.

my thoughts and prayers go out to the miners and their family, friends, and co-workers. this has all left me incredibly depressed, worrying about life and how fleeting it can be. most of these people knew how risky their livelihood was, but it doesnt make what happened any easier to handle.

i feel like there are a thousand words i should be saying about this, but i cant find them in the jumble. i just want to go hug everyone i can reach.

here are the photos from prev post.

hope these didnt make you fall asleep

coopers rock and other things

blogger has decided to suck a big one and not let me upload photos. i had photos of finished pottery and some from coopers rock i took this evening. i took the stranger up there because he'd never been there and has an awesome camera. he caught a random photo of me that i really like. i'd show it to you if blogger wasnt being weird. most of you are facebook friends anyway, so you'll see these photos. but. meh.

that new app for my phone is awesome and i took some super awesome pics. even though the leaves arent out yet, coopers rock is, as always, beautiful. i'm glad i can take new people up there. it is one of my 101 goals after all. but for me, it's a very special place. a lot of memories, a lot of personal importance.

the stars are out tonight and i wish i had a camera that could take photos of that.

so we tried the new kenyan cafe today at lunch and it is amazing. i tried goat meat stew and it was seriously the most delicious thing ever. i iwill gladly go back there again. tomorrow. for breakfast.

pottery last night was pretty much the suck. i just was not feeling it at all. so i gave up and quit early and took the stranger and thrasher their pots that had been fired. i am now finished with three of my facebook craft requests, and only have two left. that means i can start on everyone else if they want anything.

i had the craziest nightmare last night that left me literally in a cold sweat and curled up in a ball i was so terrified. i've never had that kind of real, horrible, intense dream before.

and on that note, i'm going to bed.

more photos

i am so glad pottery starts back up tonight. i need more creative outlets or my brain will explode.

pics

bought a new app for my phone. took some neat pics outside just now. (it's beautiful out there).

my brain is tired. it's been a day.

hello, sunshine

i'm back to the magical land of the north. the first thing i had to do was kill a slew of wasps. i think top ten things that terrify me, wasps are number 8.

so here's a pretty picture of my favorite flowers taken on my own hillside, a place that i both love and hate. not hate. just still feel weird.

so easter was good. woke up early early. hazed through church. had lunch with my crazy family.

i got my state tax refund back and decided to blow it on something i didnt need since all my money anymore goes to prescriptions and therapy. and let me tell you how much that kills me. but i loved those stupid yuppy pandora charm bracelets, so i bought one. and some charms. i know you're supposed to add on over time, but i like the idea of being able to tell your own story in this sort of way. and i will add more over time when things are right. but so far i have a celtic knot, an owl, the state of WV, a heart shaped lock with a key, a lighthouse, an acorn, musical notes, leaves, and a hedgehog. each one means something to me. if i could find one with stars on it i think i'd be about set for now.

the week ahead. nothing really is happening in my week ahead. some stewing. but, i'm going to spend as much time as i can outside in the sun reminding myself things are well and everything happens for a reason.

i have my evil dog back in my possession and i missed her and yet want her to go back to the brax. sometimes i think i'm not cut out to be a pet person.

so. whats up, everyone?

dream

i just woke up from some crazy crazy dreams and wanted to write them down.

the one that sticks out the most is i was trying to get out of our road to the main road (its hard to explain this for those of you who dont know where i live) and it suddenly became this rock face and you had to climb it. it was all dark and dank and creepy, but i knew i had to climb it. so i figured out the hand holds and did it. and then i look back and see the little kid version of myself, maybe age 5 or so, struggling to climb out of there. and i knew i had to get young andrea out. so i hanged (hung?) over the edge and grabbed her wrists and pulled her to safety at the top. and then i woke up.

the other one was some sort of class project where you had to do something completely out of the ordinary for yourself. the professor (who looked like ziva from NCIS) made an example of a guy who was sitting behind me and in a few minutes made a tiny quilt with him. somehow from there i knew my project would have to be archery. this is something i have always wanted to try in real life. and then somehow i was at home practicing up in the field and i was trying to hit these tiny tiny targets. and to make it harder they set a giant fire behind the target so i couldnt see anything and just had to 'know' where to aim. and like any inspirational kevin costner movie, i found my zen and shot an arrow with my eyes closed and perfectly hit the target. and then i woke up. again.

i dont really know what this all means. but i know suddenly i'd really like to try archery for real.

listening to my watch tick

one of the things i like and hate about home is how quiet it is. i can be sitting on the back porch looking at an explosion of stars and all i can here is the sounds of nature and my new red watch.

1. i'm home, if you havent guessed. first time since...christmas? i still havent decided how i feel about it. kind of like an outsider. but thats pretty normal. i did get to meet my little cousins from Guatemala this evening which was nice. they're american kids who've spent half their time in south america. i had a lovely conversation with a three year old about the awesomeness of footy pajamas. if only they came in my size..

2. i have a giant bruise on my leg from the ghost in my desk drawer. its a known fact that i bruise easily. right now i look like an MMA reject.

3. my dog is glad i am home.

4. not that you care, but the stranger was really sick (like i said) and really did have to get antibiotics (also like i said) which lead to much jumping on a bed and screaming 'i'm always right, asshole.' bc well, i am always right.

5. we went to brew pub for dinner last night and it was just the perfect evening for a microbrew on the deck. it makes me equally happy and sad to be there because it reminds me of grad school and all the times shainna and jenny and i went there before, during, and after class. a lot of griping and crying and laughing has been done on that deck. i didnt realize how much it would hit me until i was back out there. but i refuse to avoid it like i avoid stewart street, because there are too many good memories i can yet make. i cant live my whole live avoiding memories and foregoing the possibility of new ones.

6. speaking of school, be sure to check out the english dept's website next week or the next on the alumni page. yours truly will be added to the list of people who have actually been able to find success with their degrees (their words, not mine). i'd put the link but i dont want that to be traced back to here as someday i still want to write my manifesto about what a crock of shit the grad department is and how nothing i learned there is what got me a job, my ass kissing and contacts in the engineering college is what got me where i am. but if you cant find the link and actually want to read it, i'll give it to you offa here.

7. i've felt off kilter since yesterday, but, it will get better. because it has to. start the next page in my advventure book.

8. i'm currently reading The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks and i think everyone should read it. Its non-fiction and entirely too long to talk about on here, but its a really interesting story. and also? i'm a nerd. it's one of those lost cause type things that i'm drawn to.

9. i really need to figure out what it is in my own life that i need to fix so that i can stop trying to fix everyone else. especially those who dont want fixed. i'm just trying to be helpful bc i care. i need to work on caring about myself. i have to make some mighty big decisions soon and they effect me and me alone, so it's time to get on the stick i guess.

10. i ifeel like there is something important that i should be saying but i cant even put the words together in my mind. if i could sit you here beside me, with the stars above us and the trees all around us and just hold your hand, that would probably be the best way to say all the things i can never say to anyone. just hold my hand and trust me and let me trust you and see where the stars take us.

11. i dont know what i'm doing. i wish i had a funny story for you.

you and me, at the bottom of the sea

i feel like boo boo garbage and just want to go home and hide in my covers. partly bc my allergies have come alive and curb kicked me, and partly bc it feels like the sand timer has been flipped in my brain again. i always feel like this the day after i have my therapy appts. that hour of my week completely turns my world upside down. and i know its a good thing. but it's hard. hard to think about things you dont want to think about, hard to admit things you dont want to admit. i still feel better about the situation i'm in now than i've felt about the last several years, but theres always going to be the pile of questions there. all starting with Why?

i do wish you all the happiness in the world. but i'll always wonder what the real story was. and i'll never ever really know.

the stranger is sick and like any stranger, acts like death is at the door. i find it hilarious and i have no pity. until i get sick of course, and then i want to be waited on hand and foot. it is impossible to sleep next to someone who is radiating fever heat to rival chernobyl. so i dont.

so my friend's cancer is back and this breaks my heart. they thought it was all gone, that he had beaten stage 4 lymphoma, only to find its in his liver and possibly on 2 vertabrae now. this scares the hell out of me. i wish i could take it away for him so that he and his wife could celebrate their one year wedding anniversary in may without worrying if it is going to be their first and last.

my hands ache. from all the words i have and cant figure out how to type.

love..