update: over $7,000 was raised this evening. That just makes me feel so very very good. :)


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I didn't hear the final total raised for the wounded warriors tonight, but I know they got a good chunk of change out of me (I came home with three excellent tshirts from sustainU) and I had some of the lower bids, so I think they did pretty well. Jamie, the guy doing the cross country run was there with his whole family and it was nice to see that kind of support and he had a lot of great things to say. Plus I got s'more pizza which is ALWAYS a win.

I have so much to do before Friday but right now my full belly is going to lay down and read a book. Much love!


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Cheap seats. Awesome game.


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I just feel so strange. I worked out to total exhaustion this evening, but I don't think that is it.
I keep thinking about everything that has happened in the past two years. Hell, the past one year. It made my heart start racing and not in a good way.
I'm doing well. I really am. But every now and then I'll have a good memory and get sad. Not in a way that I'd ever take zach back now, but that I had some really great moments, special moments, that I'm afraid I won't feel again. I hope I will. And I hope that next time they'll stick. But it's hard to top the first time you're engaged, first home as a family, etc.
I know I'm allowed to get sad sometimes still. I also know that the person he is now isn't who he was and who I was going to marry.

This isn't to say that I don't pray for his happiness and well being every night. Bc I do. I want him to find his peace.


So I'm going to be fine. I'm most of the way there. Everyone has setbacks. But I know that if anything this is all going to help me in the end.
Also. How awesome is this necklace?




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. Suck on that one.

Please tell me everyone out there loved this show. I found it in the five dollar section at target. It's so bad I'm crying I'm laughing so hard. Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Well. I ended up having a pretty good weekend overall. Spending time with mom and dad was actually fun, mostly bc they both were excited to see that Wings is on Netflix. We watched it any time they weren't off bluegrassin. Yesterday I went shoppin with Amanda and then came home and worked on some craft projects, one being for Leah which I will post when it's done.

I went and saw Joey, my friend who just started his chemo. He's feeling pretty awful and it just breaks my heart to see it bc he's always so upbeat. We made a care package for him of crossword puzzles and the national Inquirer and junk like that and got him a big box of popscicles since that's all he can keep down. He only is scheduled for a few months of treatments, and in the grand scheme of things that's pretty good. I'm gonna go visit him more often now though.

The dog is in Braxton since I'm going to Cincy this weekend, so it's very quiet and kinda lonely here. But I'm glad she can go home to play, bc this week is just so busy. I've got gym Monday, weds, and Thursday. Going to the last wvu basketball home game Tuesday with some friends. Weds night a bunch of us are going to the silent auction to raise money for that guy who's runnin across the US for the wounded warrior project, and then Friday I took off work to head out to cincy. So I'm not going to really have a dull moment for the foreseeable future.
All in all, things are finally going really well for me. I feel so much less stress and worry, and that's just a good feeling. I feel Iike I'm once again pullin through thr bad, just like I always do, just like I always have.

Just like I always will. Much love to everyone.

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I ended up having such a good time at the show last night. I nearly didn't go bc I'm lazy and it didn't start until 11p. But Amanda's friends were the headliner and attendance at 123 is always hit or miss, so we wanted to support them.

The band Poor Taters were the opener and if I'm honest I think I liked them best of all it was bluegrass punk southern rock something. The played Dire Straights "money for nothin" which is an awesome song, and also played one of my favorite make-me-dance songs "dancin with myself" a la billy idol. Just picture those with standup base and electric fiddle. I think they will be playin in the charleston area soon so friends there, look em up and go.

The second band are the Boatmen. I don't know how to describe their style either. But they were great. Their guitaris/keyboard player is blind and yet quite possibly the best musician I've ever seen. He also looks like Brandon which completely unnerved me. Haha.

Plus, it is always a good evening when you don't pay for your own beer. God love some good ol country boys.

Oh! That made me think I swear I saw a guy who I 100%thought was zach and all I wanted to do was deck him. When I realized it wasn't him, I kinda wanted to make out with him out of spite. But. Im too lazy for that nonsense.

At any rate I've been up way too long this morning and since mom
And dad are off to their bluegrass classes, princess is gonna go take a nap. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

went to an amazing show at 123. Fell in lust with a guitarist like I always do. Saw a blind rhythm guitarist who is 1) fucking amazing and 2) looks exactly like Brandon. Will write more and post pic tomorrow. I love bluegrass/rockabilly music.

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Color me super nerd, but Shainna and I have started a craft blog. I knowwwwwwwwww. We've been talking about this for awhile now, but we realized that between us we can do quite a bit, and have tried several ideas from Pinterest. SO. That's just some place else on this big internet to ramble about things I love. You'll find our blog here: Woots and Whoops

This has been a really good week. I had my free massage last night and good lord it was wonderful. I want to be buried in hot stones, wrapped in a blanket, and left to sleep.

Everyone at work surprisingly loves my hair. no it's not professional at all, but if they arent going to say anything bad, then hey, i'm gold. I think i'm just that person at work who can get away with things like that and still stay under the radar.

A friend's band is playing tomorrow night downtown and so we're gonna all go see that. I've been going out a lot lately, well, for me anyway, and on the one hand its good to get out and be social, but on the other its so exhausting when you're an old lady like me. haha.

Mom and dad are coming up Saturday for some bluegrass festival. Mom is trying to get me to go and i'm trying to get me out of it. maybe an hour or so but not allllll day. there is only so much banjo pickin I can take. but it makes me happy to see them enjoy it.

i picked up some new craft supplies this evening to work on stuff for the blog, even though I have several old projects i can write about. it's nice to have something like this to look forward to.

lent starts tomorrow. i know i've discussed this before, but the methodist church i grew up in does do lent. not so much the no-meat fridays, but the give up things/do good things bit. and i like that.

so. i've thought on this, and here is what i'm going to do

1. No soda. I'd done this before when I was still at HIT Center, but I really need to get back on the wagon. I feel better and sleep better when I'm caffeine free.

2. No fast food. I'm not counting going to Panda for chinese food in this, however I wont have it delivered. Anything that can be acquired in a drive thru or delivered to my house is off limits.

3. Take food to joey (friend who just had chemo) often. He cooks less than I do, so he prob needs real food.

4.Find good deals on baby things and pick them up for barb/twins. they are doing really well for only weighing one pound.

5. sign up for several 5Ks. i got a race packet with a bunch upcoming.

6. try to keep going to the gym at least 3 times a week.

this is a good list i think. if anything else comes up then i'll add them. but i feel like this is a good start.

unrelated note but i have been having crazy nightmares again. i fell asleep accidentally this afternoon and somehow dreamed there was a staircase under my tv and ppl were crawling up it to get me. and then in that half-wake/half-sleep state i thought the stairs were hiding and i couldnt see the ppl and then i panicked. clearly i am losin it.

i get to go in tomorrow for my free massage, which i'm super excited for. i'm sure it will be great, but if it is super great i have a feeling that those will be gifts from now on. not only would it be a good gift but is salary for a friend. it's a win/win.

the Internet is out at work and everyone is just playing on their phones. There is a new Christopher Moore book out today and I'm super excited to download it.

I had strange dreams again all night last night. Someone trying to kill me and eat my heart. Needless to say I slept with my lamp on bc I'm a chicken.

I think, I hope, today is gonna be a good day. Much love to everyone!!

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made shirts with Amanda to wear for the gym.





Front:





Back:





And calypso and granger got capes:






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I heart Shainna for her own rant that she left on my blog. Lol

I do know who bullet bill is btw

The sun is out and my hair is blue and I'm headin to the gym with my Imelda May pandora station sound track. Life is good.


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let's take a minute to address some of the things brought up in the email from the previous post.

1. i think even a total stranger would agree i've been the furthest thing from a heartless bitch.

2. i did not know until this email about the supposed pregnancy. i say supposed bc as much as he's lied previously, you have to take everything with a grain of salt. frankly (and maybe this sounds heartless) if he treated her even remotely close to how he treated me, i cant say as that i blame her. there's a reason she has a restraining order on him, after all.

3. I do think jerome would be ashamed of his actions, bc jerome was a very nice man and wouldnt tolerate any man treating a woman bad.

4. i have my act together. yes i have depression, but i think i manage it better than most people do. i think it's interesting to look back (hindsight is 20/20 i guess) and see that i'm significantly less depressed now than i was then. but that's just speculation.

5. i have suffered. tremendously. no one on this planet ever deserves to be put through the bullshit that I have. but it hasnt killed me. it hasnt destroyed me. and it wont. i will come out of this a better person.

6. i dont require whoredom or drunken nights for fun. in fact i enjoy things like the She-Ra christmas special i am currently watching, deep water running, going out to eat with friends, playing fetch with calypso, reading a good book, etc etc etc. whoredom has never been a part of my fun vocabulary, but who knows, maybe it's something i should explore.

7. according to this study by Mental Health America, wv isn't the most depressed state. close sure, but not the most. it should also be noted that kentucky is quite close. Also, this shows the states with the highest divorce rate. scroll through the images with figures- wv is not included but KY is. If people are going to argue with me, at least take the time to get the correct statistics. as much as i thoroughly enjoy proving people wrong, it's just embarrassing.

8. I use birth control when I have sex, and bc of this the chances of unplanned pregnancy are quite low. I should note that if i ever did become accidentally pregnant i wouldnt abort it. i may make sure the father is not a part of the childs life if he were crazy, but i'd not abort it. (side note: i am pro choice btw. i just choose this for myself)

9. I dont think there is any scientific evidence i can use to prove I have a soul, but I know I do and you know i do, so thats really all that needs stated.

I don't know why i'm bothering to type all this when you all know that i'm not the bad guy here. maybe bc it makes me feel good to systematically tear apart an argument. maybe bc zach will prob read this (yes, he still reads this. theres no way to block ppl from reading blogs sadly) and will realize how immature and foolish he looks. although at this point i think he's so far gone that he'll never see that, and i pity him.

i've set up a date for this week (perhaps some whoredom fun!!) with a new individual. i feel like i need to post somewhere that crazy simply need not apply.

all meanness aside i do worry about zach and hope he gets the help he needs and grows up and stops lashing out at everyone who has tried to help him. i think though there will be a time and place for that, and i wont be around for it.

today starts 100% new direction in my life. no more worrying about him, no more trying to please someone who has nothing better to do than tear someone else down. only positivity from this point forward. i've managed my depression and gotten exponentially better over this last year, so i do suppose i have him to thank for that. this finally feels like a real end. no more dragging bullshit. i can worry about him and pray for him, but i dont have to let his, or anyones, poison in my life.

new beginnings yall. finally feeling free.

i just want everyone out there in blog land to read this email I received (from a now blocked email address, mind).

Next time I start worrying abt him, please remind me of this email. I do not need this kind of hatred and crazy in my life.




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i told my friend brett not to come in today. i'm not ready for that. and that makes mkes me so very angry. partly bc i'm just not ready and partly bc all i can hear in my head if i do anything is zach calling me a slut. and that's not fair at all seeing as he's well, a slut. and i feel bad for jerkin brett around though he said he doesnt mind. and i feel bad fo rme bc i've let someone who just wanted to hurt my feelings do so and ruin my weekend. and its not fair, but it's my own fault for listening to it. but if anything it made me like him less. because what kind of person will go out of their way to make someone miserable when they have done everything that they're being mean to the other about? i have to keep reminding myself that he left me when i needed him, he married some slut, he lied about it, he left again when i was working thru trying to forgive him, and now he's already shacked up with some other chick who probably doesnt even know all the stuff thats happened to him.

so how dare he make me feel like i'm the bad person? i'm just trying to find my own little piece of happiness. i guess him calling me names and being a dick had more to do with this than i thought. but i was right and am still convinced that he is not a man his grandad would be proud of and if thats the case, i dont want to be with that kind of man. i really really liked his grandad and respected his opinion and i looked after zach just like he asked me to. but if jerome were alive he would not tolerate zach treating me like he has. nor would my grandad. nor does pretty much everyone in my life who is alive. so why have I? i want to marry a man that i would be proud of. that my family and friends would be proud of.

i care too much about people who have no other agenda than to hurt me. and thats fucked up.

the whole point of this post was not to whine about how mean zach is to me. hopefully i wont hear from him any further. the point of this post is that i'm glad i went ahead and told brett not to come in this weekend. i mean i got a raincheck, so that's always nice to know. but i took myself to lunch and then took a nice long nap. and it was good and what i needed today. it wasnt a self pity nap, it was an i'm completely exhausted mentally and just needed to regroup. being angry and worried really just takes it all out of you. and had brett come to visit i prob wouldnt have been much fun and i dont want to do that to him.

i still dont know what i'm doing. i'm not ashamed of anything i've done/will do. i'm not a slut. i'm not mean. i'm just someone who cares too much and ha too big a heart and lets people take advantage of that. and i'm gonna work on that. i'm not going to let anyone, especially zach, make me feel like i'm less than anything i am.

sometimes plans change, life happens, and it turns out to be exactly what you need. Strange how it works like that sometimes.

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http://www.metrolyrics.com/nobodys-cryin-lyrics-sutton-foster.html


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2f_GUtbW_ho&feature=youtube_gdata_player



It says I love you but I don't even know why.
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i've had time to calm down and process all this crazy, and while i'm sure i didn't choose the best words to explain things, i stand by what i said. i may love zach, and i definitely worry about him, but loving and caring about someone dont make it right to be made feel the way i have been made to feel. i've got nothing left to say and i've got no feelings left other than disappointment and worry. and i cant live a whole life with only those two things. so i'm gonna hope for the best, see hope in little things around me, and try my very very very best.

i had a really good dinner downtown at the Finch. sometimes it's nice just sitting at the bar and talking to the owner (who i know) eating the best dessert on the planet.

i've got a lot on my brain. i always do. worrying about so many people for so many reasons. not being able to do much help for any of them. such is my life.

i hope everyone out there is well.

Puppy is looking so old. She will be 4 in less than a month.


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when I was cleaning just now I found these gift certificates to a local jewelry store that I'd bought back before Christmas bc i had found an old pocket watch that I had planned to get zach for Christmas and with the certificates I could buy them at half price. It was a beautiful old old watch. But since that didn't happen I forgot abt the certificates until I found them. So I figured I might as well use them before they expired.

The people at the store were so super nice to me and I found exactly what I wanted. I'd been thinking about it since Tuesday when I got the card from Ranae about an oyster making pearls that I might like to have a piece of pearl jewelry to remind myself that no matter how hard things get that they will get better. And I found exactly exactly what I wanted. I still had to pay a good bit since its real gold, but I figure if I don't spoil myself a little bit then who will?




Things in my life may be hard right now, and I may jot see any change in the near future, but I know that something beautiful will come from it eventually.

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someone left me this comment on one of my posts:

"if you can't destroy what you love, then how can you save yourself?"

i have no idea who wrote it (they chose to be anonymous) or what it means. so if whoever out there is reading this, please let us have a conversation so i can understand what exactly it is you mean.

the longer i sit here the more mad i get about a conversation i had last night. out of nowhere i received an email from zach, calling me among other things, a slut, and trying to intentionally hurt my feelings. this coming after two days ago he sent me an email saying that if i contacted him again he'd pursue legal action and get a restraining order against me. no, i am not even joking. so color me angered when i received an email effectively telling me that he has replaced calypso and myself in his life, and then called me a slut.

i lost my shit on him. i do not care if he does pursue legal action against me for contacting him bc of that. but no one NO ONE calls me names and intentionally tries to tear me down in such a manner. i informed him that he was a hypocrite, seeing as he not only married a stranger and lied about it, but already has a second long-term relationship going. if going on one single dinner date makes me a slut, then what exactly does that make him?

i know he just wants to hurt my feelings. maybe his feelings are hurt about something, i dont know, he doesnt speak to me of such things, only of what a terrible person i am and to not respond if i dont want to go to jail. but i will not tolerate that kind of hypocritical bullshit in my life. i may love him, the old him, the not vile, mean, and slightly unhinged him, but no one talks to me like that and stays a part of my life in any faction. i've blocked all his email addresses and if for some reason he tries to contact me by phone, i'll pay the ten dollars a month to have that blocked too. i genuinely wish him happiness with his new little family, bc god knows he needs it. but i do not want people in my life who are goin to call me a slut for not doing anything wrong at all. thats just stupid and uncalled for. it DOES hurt my feelings to see someone i cared so deeply for, someone who i wanted to spend my life and raise children with, act like this. i cant win with him. i try to move on with my life like he demanded i do, but somehow that makes me a slut and someone to despise. no thank you, i will not have it. i may be sad about how things have happened, but i will not let myself be routinely beaten down. i do have SOME self respect.

my house is spotless. anger does wonders when you need to get stuff done.

i wont do this anymore. i'll love the memory of the good we had together, bc we had so so much good. but it's become a very grainy memory as of late. and that hurts. it hurts that maybe i didn't really know the man i wanted to marry and grow old with aafter all.

i am too old for that shit. how did i used to go out to all hours of the night and be alive. at all.

after i got my hair blue, which was a four hour process bc it took foreverrrr to bleach it out bc i've got it dyed so dark, i met up with lish and some friends from home for my friend BJs bday. i felt like the old lady at the party, but i guess really i wasnt the oldest one there. all bj wanted for his bday was for us girls to dance with him at the 80s room, and bc i'm a nice person (and bc they kept mixing me some sort of delicious red drink) lish and i agreed to go to that hellhole. so i probably sweated out all the alcohol dancing. i still hate that place. its too smoky and too crowded with little douchebags and bitchs. i had just enough to drink that i had zero filter when talking to the guys when they tried to talk to me, and telling them exactly what i thought of them. i'm told at one point i told some poor kid that i could buy and sell his ass (probably true) and to please get his sorry ass away from me and go talk to someone with less self esteem. i left kinda early though, for morgantown standards, bc i couldnt breathe from all the smoke and my feet were killing me bc i wore my new green heels. and my feet hurt so bad right now i almost want to cry.

and then i got home and had to deal with some other bullshit that sent me right over the edge but the more i think about it the less i care. i'm over it. all of it. and then i couldnt sleep bc i was so mad and also freezing bc i couldn't get warmed up.

so now i need to force myself to get up and clean and then go to the gym. i didnt go yesterday and i feel like i cheated somehow, which is silly but i guess thats a good thing that i'm sticking to some sort of a real plan.

this threatened snowstorm could potentially keep some friends from coming in on sunday rather than today now, and i cant decide if i'm ok with that or not. i sort of like leaving life choices up to mother nature.

at any rate, starting the day kinda pissed off and achy is not how to do it, so i'm going to get moving and get over this piss poor attitude of mine. i hope everyone has a good day as well.

I love my blue hair and my crazy friends who drag me dancing at mfing bent willeys. I hate that place. Lol


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well my good evening has gone totally to shit. i just found out a very dear friend of mine from home just found out he has testicular cancer. they caught it early and he should make full recovery, but holy shit. he's only 30. he's been just down the hill in the hospital for the last week but didnt want to tell anyone bc he didnt want to inconvenience anyone. and that just breaks my heart. so i'll be spending a lot of evenings visitin him and barb and the babies at the hospital in the upcoming weeks.

why cant everyone just be happy and healthy? is that really too much to ask??

most of our troubles are due to our passionate desire for and attachment to things that we misapprehend as enduring entities"- dalai lama

Such a very true statement.

I just left the doctors office and he is so impressed with my general well being (ESP considering winter and all the bullshit I've had to deal with lately) that he's taking me off one of my medications. I am all for this. I know I'm doing well but it's nice to have a medical professional agree with me without me bringing the idea up. I am healthier and better than I have ever been. And I'm not crazy for saying that.

So to celebrate I'm going to thr gym, going to a nice dinner that I'm excited abt, and then possibly dye part of my hair blue.

I feel good. Some people may not believe that. But I genuinely do.


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I've had a really good evening and I'm thankful for that. This afternoon I won a free massage here in town bc it's random acts of kindness week. Someone must have put my name in the drawing, and I have an idea of who bc I know someone who works there. So that's really nice to look forward to.

Then at the gym I did my lifting circuit before I went to do water running and my trainer person stopped me and told me he was proud of me for sticking to it and not half assing my exercises. You all know how much it means to me when someone tells me they are proud of me, and I nearly cried bc I'm a big damn baby. But it makes me feel good that the trainers actually care abt the people working out.

And bc I felt good I bought myself a pair of pretty shoes bc I damn well felt like it.






Also. For your enjoyment, here is a pic of a burger wrapped in bacon and hot dogs to look like a turtle.




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Keep my friend barb and her twins in your thoughts. They had to do an emergency c-section. Each baby only weights abt a pound (could fit in a solo cup for reference) and are gonna have to bake for around 13 weeks (til original due date). So far they seem to be doin ok, although one is much much weaker than the other.

This is just one more thing that I'm going to worry incessantly about and I can do anything at all for. :-/

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I forgot we have a long weekend coming up. It's actually a really good thing bc I may be busy this weekend and it'll be nice to have a day to recover. Friday is my friend BJs birthday abd he and a bunch of friends are coming up and staying at the hotel Morgan and going out. If for no other reason it's nice to go out with a bunch of guy friends (hell I dated bj for abt a minute once upon a time even) bc they make you feel pretty and keep the creepers at bay. Completely superficial and Awful, but sometimes a girl just needs an ego boost.

And then Saturday I might have some other plans. I haven't decided what I'm going to do abt it really. On one hand it'd be another step toward moving on. On the other hand I'm still not convinced that I should. Which I know. I KNOW that's stupid of me. Hell Zach won't even talk to me so i shouldn't expect anything. So maybe I should make plans to move on. I don't see him trying to stop me or anything. So. We will see. It's still the beginning of the week. I should probably clean the apartment really well regardless.

In sad news my friend Bethany's parents dog isn't doing well at all. This is a really nice dog, having only met pinki one time, and I can't even imagine how they are feeling right now. So good thoughts to them.

I drove by the tattoo parlor this evening to just look, but they were packed. It seems a lot of ppl want inked for vday. So I chickened out once again and didn't go in. Someday. It will happen someday. A lot of things in my life are somedays. And I just gotta keep believing that they will be good.

It's not even 9:30 and I'm going to go to bed. Calypso is in a food coma at my feet from her hot dog. And part of mine that she very sneakily stole.

I may not be where I want to be right now. But I know things could be so so much worse. And I have to be thankful for that.

Much love to anyone who is reading this.

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happy valentines day everyone in blog land.

i had a good day at work in pittsburgh today. my boss took some of us out to lunch, and it was just a generally nice time. i came home and went to the gym bc i knew i needed it. there werent many people there, but i didnt really expect there would be. and then i went and got myself a lovely valentines dinner of hot fries, milk, and a hotdog each for me and my date, calypso. kind of counteracts the gym, no? and then i came home and i cried. not bc i'm sad, bc i am sad and i wont lie about it, but because i have some of the most wonderful people in my life. i checked my mail and had some cards and cookies and chocolate. i cant even begin to express how thankful i am for my friends. even at my whiniest (the last year) so many people have taken time out of their own busy schedule to be there for me. it makes me feel very special. and its feelings like that that keep me going, trying to do good for others. i got myself a cake-pop for breakfast from starbucks (bc why the hell not?) and got amanda her fav drink and then gave the cashier lady the three gift cards i had floating around in my purse and asked her to use them on as many ppl in line as they could last. i hope maybe i brought a smile to someone's face this morning.

i'm not where i want to be in my life but i am so very thankful that i have people who stand by me along my way. i love you all so very very much. i hope you have had a good day and have told those important to you how much you love them.

today was a bit better day. i just don't do well when i have to sit at home and think. and by think i mean stew.

so being at work and busy was good. and then going to the gym was good. and now it's 8p and i only have a few hours to stew before i pass out.

i did real pushups today. me. real pushups. my arms hurt like hell. but. i'm ok with that.

tomorrow though. it's going to be rough. i'm trying really really hard here to be positive. but having to be invited by your friends on their romantic date, while appreciated, makes you kinda feel lower than low. i want them to be happy. i dont want to be that depressing third wheel. i'm going to stay at the gym until i can't move. and then i'll pour myself home aand into bed.

i do have my valentine doggie though, and that is a really good gift. so i cant complain.

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the fact that calypso is so in tune with my emotions is an interesting thing, but it really makes me sad when i feel like she's sad too. she hasnt left my side all day, sleeping with her head in my lap.

i know i'm whining guys. i know none of you want to hear it. but this is really the only outlet i have to allow myself to be upset, bc day-to-day i have to be the happy fun helpful andrea. but i feel like i have a giant weight sitting on my chest. i am sad. i'd be lying if i said i wasnt. i have good moments, with friends, on the random date, and surprisingly at the gym of all damn places, but in the grand scheme of life, i am sad. even when i had my winter depression last year i was sad bc i felt like i was a part of a good thing. even when things were bad, and sometimes they were, but i felt like things would always end up ok if we tried hard enough.

i've made a damn ass of myself trying.

i have no idea what i am doing and that scares the living hell out of me. i'm trying very hard to be ok with what happened and accept it as a lesson and move on from it. but clearly i'm not doing a very good job of it. and i don't know what it is that i'm doing wrong. i'm tired of being angry and sad and hurt and a mess. and i'm doing all the things i'm supposed to be doing to not feel those things. but it's not working. hell, i'm even reading a book called "enjoying where you are on the way to where you are going." i'm only halfway thru but it doesnt seem to be helping.

maybe i need to not push myself so hard trying to be ok with everything and just be miserable for awhile. i've never had time to just be miserable. i was either trying to help zach or help someone else or trying to show people i'm strong and happy. maybe i just need to be gd miserable.

whats my valentines day plans? going to the gym. coming home. having pasta that i'll end up sharing with the dog bc she gives me sad eyes. miserable.

i dont want to leave this town bc i'm running away from my hurt. but i'm not happy here. and i dont know where to find it.

i was supposed to be getting married in six months and moving to lexington. now i'm watching Being Human (the british version, not american, which i recommend) and arguing with my landlord in my overpriced one bedroom third floor dump. this is not where my life was going. and i want it back. but the harder i try the further away it gets. so i guess i have to find a new one. and i dont know how.

I just spent the last two hours at the gym. It's become like a drug. I hate it but it seems your body can only focus on one kind of pain at a time and I'd rather it be productive pain.

Going with lish yesterday really upset me more than I realized. A lot more. And I can't show or tell her that. (she doesn't read this) she has been the one to take me in every Time I need it and I am going to do this for her with a smile on my face. But it is just so very very hard. ESP since they're getting married the weekend I was supposed to be.

I don't know where life is going. I genuinely don't. It scares me and I just don't know.

The only good thing Is I guess I'm becoming a gym rat. Bluh.


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the fact that whitney houston has died should not upset me, but it does. and its not so much that i care so deeply about her but that she had a great talent and effectively killed herself. so many people have such wonderful gifts but are either pushed down, overwhelmed, or just plain hurting i guess. and its not just talented people, although i guess everyone has some sort of talent. i just. i dont know. people are troubled. i just want to go hug everyone and tell them they are loved and important and have a purpose on this earth. and i dont know if i want to do that strictly for other people or to hopefully remind myself. probably a lot of both.

i've got another date coming up. with a totally new person. i hate dating. i hate getting to know people in that way. why cant i just curl up on their couch and take a nap. if i can sleep around them then they must be something special. just skip the bullshit stage and just be able to know if theyre trustworthy, honest, caring. and i'd be lying if i said i was over zach, bc i'm sure all of you know that clearly. its just so... hard. i just wasnt a person who saw myself getting married and actually having kids and a future. and then i did and it was wonderful. and then the last year happened. what the fuck has this last year been besides a goddamn trainwreck. i didn't deserve this. i'm not trying to be a victim here but jesus. i did not deserve this. i didnt do everything perfectly, not by a long shot, but i did the best i fucking could. and everyone told me i was doing the right thing, was more than showing zach how much i cared. so what the fuck. i am just so angry. and hurt. and it makes me completely terrified to even try to open myself up to new people. but i dont want to be alone my whole life. i want to share the experiences with someone else, someone important. i am just bitching. i am healthy, i have a good job, i have friends who love me and take care of me when i need it. maybe that's all i'm supposed to have right now. but this is all new and scary and i dont like it. i dont blame the last date for not wanting to do anything further with me bc he's just as hurt by his ex as i am mine. so we're gonna be two fucked up friends who are still very much hurting. maybe i'm not ready to date, i dont know. its not bc i dont like myself, but how can i trust anyone now? i mean genuinely, how can i. i open myself up to someone and he runs away when things get alittle hard and then completely destroys his life and in turn mine, completely ruining my ability to trust. and the most fucked up partm the part that makes me absolutely hate myself is that i miss him. how can i miss someone who so totally fucked me over. deserted me when i needed him, even though i was getting a lot better than i had been, fucked and married some whore, and then lied about it. logically i can see how awful these things are. and then i try to excuse it bc he was depressed and a drunk, but maybe thats just who he really is. he had no problem getting over me and jumping into bed with the first slut that gave him the time of day. i wont say that he doesnt deserve every terrible thing that happened bc of her bc he absolutely does. tenfold. he should feel like shit. but he doesnt, he's moved on and is having a great life, and i'm the one stuck feeling like shit, not able to trust anyone. it makes me think that maybe i should just go find someone to fuck and get it over with. completely lose all morals that i've set for myself of taking time to get to know and trust people and just go have some dirty carnal pleasure. it seems to work for everyone else on this planet.

how in the fuck did i get from being sad about whitney houston to wanting to go have a lay with a stranger. hell maybe i'll just call brett, he's alwys up for it and will cook for me afterwards, so that should be a win win.

in the end i doubt i'll do that bc i may not have any self esteem but i do have some respect for myself. i cant help but think though that it would help on some level. maybe i'm just so cranky bc i need to get laid.

we still havent heard whether we've won the DC contract. if we dont get it i really really desperately need to come up with some other plans and get out of this town. nothing to do and too many painful memories.

i'm not losing it. the scary thing is i'm saner more than i've ever been. but i really figured i would be finished hurting by now. when will that stop? when will my heart stop missing someone who has no trouble whatsoever with throwing me away not once but twice. i didnt do a single thing wrong, i loved as hard as i could, so why am i the one hurting? i thought life was supposed to be about good things happening to good people, not the other way around. maybe i am the victim. i dont want to be one forever. i want better than this.

we found lishas wedding dress and she looks so beautiful. I absolutely am not ashamed to admit how jealous I am. Firstly bc she gets to actually wear her dream dress and mostly bc she gets to get married and I know it will be forever for her. Selling my wedding dress and having my forever go up in smoke... Yeah. I am fully 100% green with jealousy. I hope hope hope that I'll get to experience that someday.

But this isn't abt me. It's abt lish. She looks amazing and the dresses she picked out for us are pretty alright too. Mine is a tangerine color which you'd think would be awful but I think it actually looks pretty ok. And it has pockets and that's always a win.

Last night we found the bouquets and they look great with everything. I'm so glad that everything is coming together for her. Maybe I should quit my job and become a wedding planner. I seem to make everyone else's weddings what they want.

No. I'm not bitter. Not at all.

I definitely however need to work on my arms some more. So I'm going to spend my Saturday evening at the gym. Bc that's where lonely people go.


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I have so much on my mind lately that I feel like my brain is going to pop. Good and bad.

I had several good conversations with people which helped me learn a little more about myself and the world. I know that's vague and it's hard to explain.

I still don't know my place in this world. On one hand I'm trying very hard to find it. On the other, I'm at a complete and total standstill. I don't know where I am going but I hope it's somewhere.

One good thing today was I helped lish decide on the bouquets for her wedding. I'm pretty good at making them if I say so myself. I don't think I'll ever be more proud of any than the one I made for myself. I assume it got trashed a long time ago. But it was beautiful. But the ones for lish are very pretty too. Very fitting her personality. I'm glad I could help her. We are going tomorrow so she can try on dresses and we can try on bridesmaid dresses. It breaks my heart a little bit. Maybe I really am always going to be a bridesmaid and never a bride. I came awfully close though... I think everything from that has now been sold/donated/destroyed. That's a little heartbreaking too. But this isn't abt me it's abt lish. And I have to keep remembering that. I want her to have her perfect wedding. And I'll do whatever I can to make that happen.

We were supposed to see barb in the hospital this evening but I guess she had another bad day and wasn't up for visitors. I'm so worried about her and the babies. I'm going to try to go tomorrow evening if she is doing any better.

I'm really sore today from the gym last night. Which I knew I would be. But it's a good sore. It's something I can be proud of. Lately I don't really feel like I've got many things to be proud of, so I'll take the gym soreness. I genuinely am trying to make myself better and stronger. Both physically and mentally. There is a 5k next month and I'm going to do it if it kills me.

Someone said that they think I'm not happy with myself. I think that is incorrect bc it's a misconception. I am happy with myself. I'm just not happy with the situation myself is in and I'm not sure how to go about changing it. I know how to take care of myself and others. How to love myself and others. How to live a good and honorable life that would make people proud of me. But I just don't think I am doing that to my full potential. And I don't know how. Not yet anyway. I'm hoping I'll figure it out, and we all know patience isn't my strong area. Yeah I lost my mind the other night, but who hasn't when the weight of all your worries and stresses and hopes and dreams just becomes too much. I'm not ashamed of it. And I write about it on here and let it all out in the open because I want you to understand me better. Maybe in doing do I'll understand myself better. But I'm not ashamed of my tears and rants. But they don't mean that I'm not happy with myself. If anything I'm not happy with the fact that I can't find a way to help someone else.

Anyway. I know the few of you who still read this are out there keeping tabs on my. And I do appreciate it. From the bottom of my heart.


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I actually like my eyes. Though I'm told they often look sad.

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this is one crazy photo. Editing and bad attempt at pin-up/rockabilly type hair




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today was just an exhausting day.

first i had to argue with the rental company about a late fee that i still dont think i deserve to pay but they are throwing a fit and went so far as to send me a nasty email about it after i called in and tried to have it explained. i completely lost my cool and emailed back and informed them that i had never been treated so rudely and their ethic toward customers was appalling. i usually dont do stuff like this (examply, i nearly started crying when i sent back a dish at dinner the other night bc it tasted awful but i didnt want to cause a scene or upset anyone) but the lady i spoke to was just flat out a rude bitch. so i'm probably going to get kicked out of my apartment now, but you know what? it's worth it.

we had a big video conference with the Secretary of Energy, Chu, this afternoon. it was more of a see-and-be-seen type of thing, but he said something that really stuck out to me. he said that when he became SoE and he was talking to people who wanted to work for the Dept of Energy that they had to want to change the world. and i really liked that. yeah there is a lot of politics in there, but it's nice that people are trying to make a positive difference.

i nearly canceled my gym session this evening bc i was feeling sorry for myself, but i've made friends with the trainer kid and he put together a workout plan for me and i didnt want to let him down. besides deep water running last night (which is super awesome btw) this was the first real working out i've done since i got the plague. and it felt soooo good. i needed that. my arms now feel like spaghetti bc i did everything to failure and that is just a damn good pain. i'm probably not going to be able to move tomorrow, but it's ok. i needed to push myself like that. my leg muscles are pretty good now, but it's time to work on my weenie girl arms. and i think if i keep this up i'm gonna be pretty alright in that area. and core. holy shit. my abs hurt. do planks, yall. that was almost half of my core workout.

tomorrow after work i am going to go visit barb in the hospital. it sounds like she's probably going to be hospitalized or at least bed-bound for the rest of her pregnancy and she is miserable. so i'll go stock up on trashy magazines and things to keep her occupied.

i do get down on myself and can be a mess. but that doesnt mean that i dont like myself. yeah my self esteem is usually nothing, but i know and can understand the good things. it's just sometimes it all overwhelms me and i lose it. i try so hard to be strong for everyone else that i forget to take care of myself. and i think thats what happened last night. i have to remember that not everyone is going to love me like i want them to, and that that is ok. i've just gotta keep picking myself up, dusting myself off, and keep going.

also this is going to sound silly but i feel naked without my mole now. it has been there all my life and i recognize it as part of just the general makeup of me. so to look at this little scar is just really unnerving for some reason. but then i think if you split me open right now you'd see a lot of little scars. gotta heal. but i'll always remember the hurting.

"then if you're crazy, don't date. men don't want to date crazies. There's enough out there as it is!"


that is officially the most hurtful, painful, yet true thing anyone has ever said to me, especially coming from someone i counted as one of my closest friends.

just ignore me. I'm pmsing. I'm fine. I'll. Well. I'll be fine. I always am.


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there is only so long i can be brave before i crack and totally lose my shit.

and that happened tonight.

i sit and worry about everything. EVERYTHING. everything in my life. everything in my friends life. everything in people who want nothing to do with me's life. everything in the lives of complete and total strangers. and i've sat here and just sobbed for the better part of 3 hours.

and i know its stupid and i know i should be grateful for everything in my life, and i AM grateful for everything. but i still come up empty handed and cant figure out for the life of me what exactly it is that i am doing wrong. there were parts of me that almost -wanted- my labs to come back bad, so that then i'd actually have somethiing real to be upset over.

i'm tired of being strong for myself and for everyone around me. i just want to curl up in a ball and cry and let someone take care of me for awhile. but i cant do that. bc i dont have that. i cant ask people to leave their own lives and their own problems to take care of me when i'm just crazy and there is nothing really wrong.

but i would give up my job, my salary, hell, even my books, just to feel like everything is actually ok. to feel like i belong somewhere.

i dont belong anywhere.

Bird by bird. that's how i'm taking things. (i guess you'd have to read the book Bird by Bird to understand that)

it very much is a relief that i don't have to worry about my labs. i made a lot of jokes about it but those who know me know how completely terrified i was. i had pretty much resigned myself for the worst, and only hoped for the best.

however. things apparently cant go well for me for very long. for some reason my bank account shows that my rent and electric bill came out, but both are sending me late notices. So i'm goin to have to go battle with the bank i guess to get this fixed. i just do not have the energy for that. it makes me want to cry.

i'm not exaggerating at the crying part. i had a moment today where i just felt sorry for myself. and i know it's stupid. but valentines day is coming up and its just really hard. things are so very different from this time last year. i didnt notice it but i still had the card that came with my flowers from valentines day last year up on my fridge. it's so strange to read it and see how very very different things are now. did those words mean what they said? why dont they mean thatnow? this year makes me want to sleep.

i'm not an evil bitch.

anyway. nevermind. just whining.

My labs finally came back and everything is fine. I can finally breathe for the first time in over two weeks.

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here are some photos, to distract you from my phantom ulcer and my potentially cancer-ridden leg

(bc lets see the bright side here!)you cant really tell in this pic, but my hair is getting ridiculously long. i like it a lot.

how completely pathetic does calypso look? its a new phone app, stupidly named BeFunkyFX. whatever. she is adorable and has been really wonderful these last few days. i swear animals know when something is wrong. she slept curled up beside my head last night.
same app. just felt like it was a good fortune. we all need some good karma in our lives.



something to make you laugh. i may or may not have momentarily convinced myself i was getting carbon monoxide poisoned. then i remembered my apt is all electric. i win at life.
but seriously, i am feeling a little better. food is staying where it is supposed to and the headache is only at a 7 as opposed to 10 from the last few days. to celebrate i'm going out to a fancy dinner. i'll even bother putting on makeup. bc if you have on makeup they cant see how scared you are underneath.

Well I got my stitches out and didn't cry. Though I thought i was going to puke all over the poor nurse. I did get hot and faint feelin, but i muscled thru like a champ.

yes, i do realize for most ppl that getting stitches out is no big deal.

however, the office has 'misplaced' my lab results. the nurse didnt understand why they hadnt contacted me yet and went looking for them and couldnt find them. i'm supposed to call back on thursday if i havent heard anything.

THIS DOES NO GOOD FOR MY PHANTOM ULCER, of which I have decided to refer to as Rufus. The fucking bastard.

so that's where i am. 2 pieces of toast and half a bowl of chicken noodly soup has stayed in place so far this morning, knock on wood. So we'll see what happens, if I don't lose my shit before Thursday.

puke puke cry puke.

well after my good evening Friday, I've gone right back to being sick. And let me tell you that projectile vomiting toast is not pleasant. I'm working from home for a bit this morning bc I have to go get my stitches out in a bit (and hopefully find out the test results) and i'm worrying about that too. I've not eaten yet and therefore dont feel like total shit. I'm gonna try though and see what happens. if I get sick again, i'm going to the doctor again and make them fix whatever is going on with me. mom thinks that i've given myself an ulcer from worrying about everything. the only good part of all this is that i've lost nearly ten pounds in this mess. although this is not how i wanted to lose weight. blugh.

i really really need for something good to happen to me soon.

well, it turns out i still have it, whatever 'it' is. my razzle dazzle personality? and by that, i mean my sarcastic way of making fun of myself for the amusement of others. but i went on a date and stayed at the new bdubs talking til after one am. i dont even know the last time i've felt like staying up that late, but time just flew. and i really enjoyed myself. and i hope to do it again.

bc of my good mood i got up this morning and cleaned the whole apartment. even the stuff i hate doing like dusting and scrubbing the bathroom. and now i'm watching the show Being Human, which i've only seen two episodes so far but i highly recommend it. I also recommend The United States of Tara. if you have ever felt crazy, it will remind you that things in your life really arent that bad.

i'm completely over my stomach flu. i think really i was over it before but i was just nervous yesterday. it's nice to know i still get nervous about things. i think it keeps you real.

a friend from home has a gig downtown tonight, and i figure i might as well go check it out. it's at blackbear, which is one of my favorite places to eat. and also to hippie watch.

for now, i'm going to curl up and watch tv and drink tea and cuddle with the dog on the couch in a pile of blankets. and it is a good day. for the first time in.. i dont even know how long, i genuinely feel good.

I feel like I'm gonna bork for completely un-stomach flu related reasons. Do I remember how to do this? - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Puppy doesn't look well either.


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also, read this

Norovirus.

bork. sweats. fever. that scene from Dumb and Dumber. headache. light sensitivity. mostly, i just want to die.

rachael and amanda have brought me food and drink so i stay hydrated, which apparently is the most important. but mostly i lay under a pile of blankets waiting for my stomach to quit rolling and watching Bones.

mostly though, i really would just like to be put out of my misery.

When I was little I got it in my head that George Washington had been on the land where my home is. Which isn't completely illogical since he did survey much of Appalachia and all. But I'd sit and make up stories of things he did. That the camp was where my swing set sat. Or that he came up over the mountain where the road forks and thought it was the most beautiful place on earth. And how luckily I was to be standing on the same ground as our first president. I had such a strong imagination. I still do. I still live in a dream world where everything is ok. Its getting harder to hold onto this dream. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I'm reading this book, Bird by Bird, that was recommended to me by one of the bosses at work. It's partly abt writing, but also a good study in life. In one part the author is talking abt how each person is born with this figurative emotional acre if land. And we make it our own and nurture it how We want and no one is allowed on our land unless we allow it. And I'm sitting here thinking what my piece of land might look like. I think it would have nice thick grass, the kind that is nice to lay in, that needs cutting but isnt overwhelmingly untidy yet. And there would be a big, sun faded couch in the middle long enough to lay on. And there would be an old blanket and an assortment of books. And there would be a tree off to the side, with some sort of tire swing. And randomly there would be lawn gnomes and pinwheels. And that would be my place. The good place to run away to when life was too much. That only special people got to visit. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

so the adhesive thingy that was covering my stitches beneath the bandaid finally came off. And I finally saw my stitches for real. I may or may not have puked and or Nearly passed out. Let's just pretend I'm super brave and awesome, ok? In good news Brandon has his tickets to come home for his spring break. Itll be nice to see him and hang out and go to gabes. Bc tht is how we roll. Haha So. I guess that's all I have to report. My life is pretty dull. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

oh stomach flu, we have met too many times this winter. if this keeps up i'll feel like i'm going to end up on one of those intervention shows for puking.

1. i've just found the show Downton Abbey on netflix, several people have told me abut it. and it's great.

2. all i want is mashed potatoes

3. i still dont know what i'm doing with my life.

4. i'm going back to bed now