emo evening

i'm having one of those evenings. because i had one of those random gut feelings that nearly made me pick up my phone and make sure everyone was ok. but its not my job to always be that person. only when you stop reaching out do you realise how little you were regarded to begin with. from some, there has been no reaching in my direction. and i'm still trying to figure out why i am surprised by this. it still, and always will, hurt more deeply than i ever ever anticipated.

the closing ceremony to the olympics was pretty. i liked shatner. i teared up at michael j fox.

i went outside to try to see the stars. it's always too cloudy.

sleeping grumbly

so. about this weekend. those plans i made? i sorta.. well. slept through them.

friday night i figured hey. i dont have to get up at 7 tomorrow, if i take my sleeping pill then i can sleep in a little bit, get it out of my system and not feel groggy all day. so i fell asleep around 1030p.

and woke up at noon. so completely confused about what was going on and where i was and what day it even was. and somehow i was STILL TIRED. i tried to stay awake. i started watching tv and eating a poptart even though i felt like garbage. and uh. i fell asleep again. til 530p. that means i slept nearly 17 friggin hours. i slept through a lot of crazy mess in the world too, it seems. its no wonder i felt crazy all day at work after taking that stuff. and somehow i still fell asleep last night at a decent hour and slept a decent nights sleep and woke up at 8. and let me tell you i feel like i could leap tall buildings today. completed my grocery shopping and everything.

but heres a fun story for you. while i was in my coma, it apparently snowed some more. i mean really? haven't we gotten enough of this garbage? and its balls cold out there. so when i went to get in the car, the door would not open. if you remember a previous post where this happened, i had to jimmy myself through the backseat and i was really NOT looking forward to that business again. so i tried each and every door and nothing. i couldnt get a single one open. i'm standing in my driveway cursing snow, and automobile makers and everything i could possibly think of until i remembered. i didnt unlock the door. uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

so today, today i am going to a new friends house to be lazy and watch movies. the last time this situation happened i fell in love with an asshole. i really hope that that doesnt happen again.

if this garbage weather would stop already i may be taking a trip next weekend. i'm excited at the idea of what it may possibly mean in the long run. you know, that thing i cant talk about yet. my stars are changing and i've got to see where they are taking me.

also. this is awesome.

also. i love bread. the end.

dear snowstorm, part eightyfour thousand

please go away so i can pout in my pool. love, andrea

really, i'm starting to hate this snow.

so my plans were once again foiled by mother nature. i'm so tired of snow. i want grass and sunshine and birds. nearly wrecking on van voorhis is not how i want to spend my afternoons. and parts of the interstate are closed because of things like 20 car pile-ups. me thinks i'm safest right here.

since i didnt head off to DC i went ahead and went to my doctors appointment to discuss whether or not the medicine was working (its not) and how the sleep aid was going (bitchin dreams, bad hangover). so he upped one to see if it will help me any and gave me a different sleep aid that isnt as strong (rhymes with manax) so we'll see what happens. i'm not feeling better yet but i did realize today that i havent had a migraine in over a month. bc thats when i changed my phone number and started changing my life. i honestly think it really was eating me alive. and making these changes, while some of the hardest and saddest things i've done, really are whats best for me. even i can see the progress. i'm not making myself sick with guilt. i still have a lot to work on, and i still wish things could have been different before, but. i'm living for me now. i deserve better than i was given the last three years, hell, longer than that. but i'm working on it, and even if every day isnt great, i'm getting to a place where i'm good.

we also had cupcakes today at work. and who doesnt love cupcakes.

so things to do this weekend. go work on my pottery. i still have several pieces that need trimmed up. maybe i can get more photos while i am there. i cant wait til we get to the part where we paint. i have some hopefully neat ideas.

i have a weird feeling. i dont like having weird feelings, kids.

i should patent that

so crazy dream last night leaves me wondering if i should get to the patent office.

i dreamed i created, patented, copyrighted, marketed Origami Underpants. the purpose of O.U. was geared to the traveler/lazy person. it was designed so that you could fold it ways (hence the origami) and basically have a whole clean pair of underwear. so that you could wear them for like a week and not ever feel too gross.

this is either genius or crazy. either way, i blame the drugs.

so. there is something that may be happening in my life in the near to distant future that may or may not change everything in my immediate future. and i want to be able to tell you about it but i cant. i'm not allowed, and, well part of me doesnt want to talk about it bc that makes it real and real is scary bc real may mean change and we know how well i dont handle change. and i realize that me typing this is counter productive because some of you will ask me about it outside of the blog, and i just can not say. but beginning-middle of april i should be able to talk about it one way or the other. its going to definitely change my life. i'm scared and thrilled.

so unless this illusive blizzard comes tomorrow, i'm headin to NoVa after work (did you know northern virginia was called Nova? me either. guess i'm not that trendy, kids.) i think i want to go to the Spy Museum, and the portrait gallery. or maybe the library. oooh books, i want to lay on you naked and wallow in your amazingnessnessness.

also, can i just say that while i'm glad the CRJ got a job, i'm bummed i wont get to have crazy conversations like we have the past couple months. HOW AM I GOING TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON IN KANSAS?!?! totally unacceptable.

also, i just wanted everyone to know i shaved my legs for the first time in two weeks. because the internet is the place for oversharing. and i figure thats probably pretty close to my limit of sharing. and you know that joke i made about being raised by wolves, it's starting to actually make a little more sense. but i refuse to go on a fun trip with wildebeest legs.

i dont have anything fun and entertaining to say. sorry kids. i'm sure i'll have something ridiculous to tell you about the trip.

love.

baleen

dreams from last night (drug free)

1. with my younger brother only he was much younger, like 4-5. swimming in the ocean when a killer whale comes up. mid-snack i remember that whales have baleen (yes, i know what that is, i am a nerd) and cant eat a human like that. i informed the whale this and it spit the brother out.

2. sleeping in some sort of terminal, on egg crates. met a friend of someone i dont speak to any longer. shared a blanket and memories. truly strange.

3. Someone we dont speak to any longer stole a storyline from a book. called the whole getting published a 'grave error'. told them once again they were slime. made them man up for once and tell the truth to the book company. then turned around and walked away.

4. sat at a table that was mirror, overlooking the sea with windows all in peripheral vision. and just sat there. waiting. knew i had to wait or else something bad would happen.


dunno what any of this means. dont know why i post it. pottery was awesome last night but i forgot to take photos. i trimmed up and put bases on all my pieces.

going to the District this weekend if it doesnt come another snowstorm. kind of excited. another museum is in the works.

and now, off to the doctor. woo.

love.

stranger and stranger

i have barely managed to crawl through this day and all i want to do is fall asleep, but i have pottery in 2 hrs and i'll be damned if i miss it. i hadnt slept the past couple of nights, so last night i bit the bullet at took a sleeping pill. at 6pm. the dreams alone are worth it, but all day all i wanted to do was curl up by the space heater and take a nap.

but thats not why we're here. i wanted to tell you about the dreams. crazy dreams, part 4. (guessing. dont really know the number)

there were several different parts to this dream.
1.one part was getting ready for some sort of company wide party and we all got t-shirts (navy) that had everyone in the organization's name and photo on them, in a circular pattern on the front. on the back it had the year, which was wrong bc it said '06. i remember thinking it was wrong in the dream, but being convinced it was still 2009.
2. i was supposed to ride a horse. i knew it was on my goals list (even though it actually isnt) and i had to suck it up and do it. i remember jenny was in the dream, which makes sense bc she loves horses, and also my godfather, which doesnt make sense at all. and i met a delicious looking cowboy who apparently was actually my boyfriend in this dream. blonde and tan and muscular like i like them. and for some reason before i could get on the horse, i had to wash his (the cowboy, not the horse) neck. i have no damn idea why, and i woke up before i finished doing that.
3. i was going camping with my family and we still had the old silver jeep and for some reason my aunt was following us on foot. and then we got to a flooded area and the water was up to the doors and i could see that my aunt was struggling in the water but they wouldnt let us open the doors to let her in because it would wash us away. so i closed my eyes and put my head in my lap to drown it out. and then woke up.
4. this is the weirdest of them all. i imagined it to be like a Lost (the show) type situation though i've never really watched, or understood for that matter, the show. but there was a group of people, maybe 15-20 sitting around this big rectangular wooden table. and everyone involved basically kept being reincarnated as themselves over and over. and we were determining who didnt get to come back for their next life and everyone was giving their argument why they should get to come back again. only a few of the characters stuck out to me. one korean lady had lived through the korean war. one kid wearing a dark red baseball hat went to the Univ of So. Cal school of Design (does this even exist) specifically to be able to be a part of this and to come back again, there was a guy with glasses named trevor who was a jerk, and then a guy who looked like george carlin but demanded he be called martin cross. i was in charge of the sheet of paper that said who was staying and going, and had to hand write 'martin cross' on his space. i have no idea if martin cross has ever been a real person, i should google it. but everyone was arguing and i finally said that the people who serve no purpose really have no reason to be there. and maybe 6-10 peole sort of.. evaporated and went into the sky. and then i woke up.

decide what you will of those. i have no idea what any of them means. i just needed to write them down somewhere.

now to locate food and then attempt pottery again.

love.

oh deah

what i have accomplished today involves some cleaning, so pumpkin seeds, my wonderful grey stolen from a boy sweatpants, and the softer parts of my couch. and not necessarily bc i feel like crawling in a cave and dying, but just bc, well, i damn well felt like it.
i recently sent my cousin laura (hi!) the link to this blog, as a lazy way of explaining the work demo day. i've since opened up my readership by about 3 in the greater kentucky, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but it is weird having family read this.

which makes no sense, i know, i mean come on, i'm telling strangers just about everything that has ever happened to me (see posts about the multiple times i've been scared by doctors by the thought i had cancer, the time that boy told me loved me but forgot he was married, and that time i broke my boob with a snowshovel for examples.). but. it's family. and when the immediate portion of said family still arent really speaking to me, it is a little unnerving. do i think laura is going to call up the family hotline and tell them that certain members are crazy, not speaking to one another, taking William Shatner's name in vain, no. i know laura and i know that all the crazy bullshit i spout doesnt bother her because she has known me all her life. but since i keep a lot of my life, well, separate from my family, it's just awkward. chest caving in for no reason awkward. most because i feel like in the eyes of my family i am a grade A letdown. this is where that logical voice that i have hidden in a tiny cage says, no, you're not really a letdown. but i feel like..... if you had paper dolls of my family, especially my father's side, everyone else was punched out of the exactly same sheet of paper. and then i was mcguyvered together from some playdough, a bendy straw, and day old bread. it can mostly function the same, but it wont fit in that sheet of paper with the rest of them. and it's not that my thoughts or actions are that far off from theres, but it's just enough that it makes me uncomfortable. and if i told them i was on antianxiety/antidepressants they'd brush it off like i was being overdramatic and if i just came home and came to church and supported the public library and went to my dad's fitness classes and just lived a better braxton county life, i wouldn't have these crazy ideas about dark and twisty things that leave me sobbing in a ball in my bathroom floor. but i know that going back there and being surrounded by all of them wont fix me, bc i see what it is doing to my brother. and this is partially why the number of phone calls i have made/received has dropped so drastically that i changed my cell plan to the bare minimum of minutes. i think mostly bc they're afraid i will go on a rant about how they made me this way. and i wont lie, a lot of it does stem from my family, but what screwed up person doesn't have some issue, some thing they may have even forgotten about, that can be directly contributed to the pack of wolves who raised them. (good lord, if any of my family thought i was really calling them a pack of wolves, i would be written out of the will and i would have no more homemade pepperoni rolls in my life. ever. EVER.)

i love my family. i do. i'd do anything i could for them. but. calling and talking about nothing, or going home and then hiding out in the living room watching tv and not discussing why i am losing my shit, it's just not worth it. i can do that from the comfort of my own couch. and i'm going to sit here, on my couch, watching the king tut special on discovery, with my idiot dog trying to lick the avocado mask off my face, and hope that eventually, somewhere down the line, we'll all feel like we can have a real conversation with one another again.

ups and downs

i'm supposed to be tracking my moods this week because my doctor doesn't think the medication the other doctor has put me on is going to help at all. and i have to be honest, i feel no different. the nausea has subsided some, but i'm still either up, down, or tuned off. and that is something i never wanted to admit to myself, the ups and downs. i'd been told that before, but only in a sense of someone trying to hurt my feelings, emphasizing that i am just batshit crazy and no one will ever love me. but in talking to the CRJ yesterday, someone who while i have become very very good frieds with has known me a short period of time, could pinpoint specifics of the highs and lows.

demolishing a building? that was a high. and not just from the paint fumes. i loved it because it was completely out of character and wonderful and destructive and crazy and something i'll never get to, legally, do again probably.

and i woke up yesterday and felt this long looming weekend ahead of me. something that had no meaning and somehow so physically debilitating that i just couldnt get out of bed. i had to find something, some good reason, to not lay in bed and stew all day. the sun was out yesterday and i could see it and i could feel that there was posibility. but i could not get out of bed. but then i remembered i could go practice at the pottery studio. having not been able to be there the last 2 sessions bc of snow i was afraid i wouldnt be able to do anything and really just wanted to quit. but the amount of money i have sunk into this made me stick with it. and i'm so glad i went. bc in the many hours i spent there yesterday i could just turn everything off and concentrate on the clay. i think i said that before about this. but i just wish you could experience it through my eyes. it is the most theraputic thing i have right now and i forget that until i am sitting there at the wheel. i was having an off day and couldnt get very many pieces to rise. i'm telling myself its ok that in all the time i spent that i only have 3 that are passable. but i'm still learning. so here is what i ended up with yesterday:
The one on the right looks pretty crummy right now, but once it gets leather-hard i can go back and trim it up and put a base on it and hopefully make it look semi-decent. this is by far the hardest art/craft project i have ever undertaken. but seeing it come together in my hands is one of the best feelings on earth.

and then i went home and fell asleep. because i suck like that. but i did go to dinner with friends, and then had fondue with more friends. and those were good things. and i realized once again what good people i do still have in my life because of this:
yes. that is a flower in a block of ice. after reading the lovely conversation i had with my grandmother, christopher went out and bought me a flower. however, because of schedules and tests and other things that happen this week, i didn't see him til dinner last night. so he froze it in a block of ice for me and gave it to me in an igloo cooler. how nice is that? so i put it in a ziploc back and put it in my freezer so if i'm feeling like garbage i can look in there and remember that i do have people in my life that actually care about me. and that is a nice thing. something i frequently forget. something i didn't believe for a long time because i allowed a select few people to convince me that i wasnt worth anything.

however. the not sleeping. or the sleeping too much. this is still messing with my life. i didn't fall asleep til 430 this morning. and woke up at 9. and in that time had the most vivid dream to date. i dreamed that after all this time i was moving back into a dorm. i had no luggage or anything, but was walking around this college campus to find my dorm. and i ran into a girl i knew growing up, someone i havent spoken to or thought of in nearly 8 years, and she tried to help me find my room. 604. in the orange wing. why this i remember or was important, i have no idea. but it was 604 in the orange wing. only i didnt know what building. the three options were the Wilson, Truman, and Cary Grant. Did Cary Grant ever play a president? bc thats the only way that collection even makes sense. i woke up before i ever found 604 in the orange wing.

so. yeah. i dont know what any of this means or why i continue to tell you this garbage. it's in my head and it's got to go somewhere. and you people seem to continue reading it. i wonder if strangers ever end up here and what they think of it. i would like to know.

the one in which i get paid to be a hooligan

i officially had the best day of work probably in my whole life, past, present, and future. today, i was paid to be an asshole.

let me explain.

the company that i work for recently put a bid on a new building to purchase since they have completely ran out of room. its nice and all, but would have to be completely gutted on the inside to make it into a more office-y type space. and they found out yesterday that everything was finalized and the demo crew will be there on monday. so what did we do today? we destroyed some shit.

we walked in and were handed a beer, a spraycan, and/or a hammer.
can i just tell you how much fucking fun this is? yes. i played tic-tac-toe. and scratched.
and then we all got down to business.
have to support the Dub-V!

and then. they dared me to ride in the dumbwaiter. at this point, i'd had enough beer and inhailed enough spraypaint that i thought this was a BRILLIANT IDEA. so i rode up and down 3 floors for about ten minutes. little did i know everyone outside was panicking because they couldnt figure out how to open the doors to let my ass out. woops. but they did, and they spraypainted it special, just for me.there was wine. did i mention the wine? and the beers? there were wine and beers.

frankly, i havent laughed this hard in a long time. i love this company. where else would i get to do something like this. and now, i got wash all the blue paint off myself.

i just have to share this...

.... before flames shoot out my eyes and my head explodes in a thousand million trillion bits of crazy.

i'm watching the olympics (yay shaun white's hair for winning that gold, btw) which has nothing to do with what i'm about to write. it goes to commercial. picture it. super serious depressing music playing in the background. a black screen. the words 'WHERE WERE YOU' flashes on. and off. and on. then you see a picture of the snow storm. and then black again. WHERE WERE YOU.....WHEN THE SNOW STARTED. more picture of snow. more WHERE WERE YOU. building this up like its going to be heartbreaking and astounding and award winning. WHERE WERE YOU? YOU WERE WATCHING YOUR LOCAL NEWS STATION.


uhhhh. huh?

yes. it was for the local news. to remind you that they give a weather report. in case you forgot that IT'S FUCKING SNOWING OUT THERE.

i'll give you a weather report. it's called my middle finger.

oh boy.

so either nicest or most unsettling thing happened today.

i was talking to one of my little brother's best friends, who is like another shithead brother to me, when he informed me that he recently received his concealed weapons permit. now. most of my brother's friends are immature yet genius turds that i wouldnt trust with a butterknife. but this kid (i say kid even though he's 24), this kid i would trust with my life. not just bc he has a blackbelt (and not one you'd pick up from the gap.) so i took him to be serious, when he seriously told me that if anyone ever hurt me in any way, to let him know and he would take care of it.

um. holy shit. remind me to never tell this kid that someone has hurt my feelings or they might end up in the bottom of the Mon.

i dont think i would ever wish death on anyone (i say that full realizing the hurt i have experienced in my life does not even compare to that of others) but i can think of a few kneecaps i would like to have seen busted up in the passing days.

mostly i just want people to hurt as much as i have. and then hurt a little bit more. but, that doesnt happen in real life.

and i suppose as bizarre as the whole situation was, it was kind of nice knowing that someone has my back like that.

anyway, back to my regularly scheduled breakdown.

instead of going to pottery, bc it was canceled, i fell asleep. without medical assistance. and slept for 11.5 hours. what the hell. i woke up with the lights on, sleeping on a book, and Dora the Explorer blasting from the tv (which would explain why half my dreams were in spanish.) and this whole sleeping thing is great compared to the only getting 2-4 hrs a night. except now i am tired ALL THE TIME. where as before i was tired but too busy worried about the fact that my clothes were still in the dryer and not on hangers in perfect rainbow order by sleeve length and functioin. so maybe that is a good thing? i dont know. what i do know is is i crawled in bed as soon as i got home tonight. not because i'm tired but because i'm just over this day.

hot doggin

do you remember the NES game Winter Games? with the alpine skiing and the speed skating and the 'hot dog' run, which was really just skiing but you got to fall on your face. that was the one game i loved. i remember sitting in the old house playing against michael for hours on end. he always had to be team USA or else he'd cry. i dont remember who i'd pick to be. there were only eight countries you could choose from. and in part of my crazy dreams last night, i dreamed to the sound track of the ice skating portion of the game. and i wish you could hear it (actually, you can. its at about 3.5 min in that video linked above). i hated the ice skating part. i could kick ass in bobsled or hotdog, but michael had the dexterity to do all the jumps in ice skating (and yes, i do realize i'm discussing a video game) where my little princess constantly fell on her ass.

i dont know why this is important. its not. just something i thought of.


also, i just realized that i have, in fact, worn my underwear backwards all day. one would think this would, i dont know, be easily identified.

i fail at life.

we come from dust

so. yesterday i got off the couch long enough to go to the grocery store. and thats it. i shouldnt even have bothered because the cashier judged me for getting six cadbury creme eggs. OOOOH. LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE HAD A BAD DAY YESTERDAY!! dear cashier man, you can kiss the fattest part of my white ass. love, andrea.

i feel awful. side effects include constant fucking nausea. and no. i'm not pregnant. thanks for asking. i'm wondering if taking the medicine is even worth it to feel like this. i'm assured it will go away shortly, but i've barely eaten anything for the past week without wanting to boot. which means i've barely eaten anything. and i'm not taking the sleeping pill anymore bc i started having wicked hallucinations which left me in a tiny ball freaking the eff out. this is not what i wanted when i said i wanted to get better. i'm assured that i am though.

the roads were horrible this morning. the worst that i've driven to work on yet. i fishtailed nearly into the opposite ditch going down van voorhis. i was terrified. so either, the roads really were worse or the drugs are actually starting to work. i cant be certain.

we're supposed to have pottery tonight, but after sliding sideways into someone's yard on the way home, i'm not quite sure i want to go out. we'll see.

i'm stewing. about the old things. i don't know why. weird gut feeling. not that any of my gut feelings ever mattered. my guts have shit for brains.

You keep saying the past is not even past

good and bad. i'll try not to be too whiny.

so i decided to go ahead and go watch ben folds last night. weather and everything tried to make it a bad experience, but i couldnt give up a chance to see my absolute favorite musician. and i'm so glad i did. i had chills throughout the entire show. every single song he played holds some specific meaning to me for different stages of my life. He even played my absolute favorite song of his, one of his lesser known (for a barely known artist, thats pretty unknown) songs "Smoke." it's so incredibly sad but with the orchestra playing in the background, it made my heart swell, if that is humanly possible for someone who has a cold dead heart like me. i laughed when he played Song for the Dumped and shocked all those symphony patrons with the f-bomb, harmonized with the entire audience for Not the Same, and shamelessly cried at Landed. that hour and a half made me feel more alive than i have in months. and i'm so glad i decided to go. here is a photo of ben folds conducting the audience:



however today hit me like a ton of bricks. because on day's like today, this holiday, all my fears are compounded, magnified, expanded, exploded. this is not where i saw myself this valentines day. or the last valentines day. or any, for that matter for the last several years. my feelings are no different than they have been even though i recognize they get me no where. the actions i have taken over the last few months have only shown me what i feared most, and that is that what i believed in was wrong. and because of this i woke up with a headache and did not get out of bed until 2. i allowed myself to mope. but then i decided to get up, put on my big girl panties, and have some fun. so i got myself dressed, even put on make up and holiday-colored clothing, and went to a late lunch with friends. here is a slightly blurry photo to prove that i was up and dressed:and lunch was great and i had a great time and was feeling happy even though my head is exploding out of my eyes. and then mammaw called. i know mammaw means well and i love her for it. but the way she words things... the conversation basically went like this.

Me: (driving home, answer phone, btw) Hi mammaw
Mammaw: Hello. I just wanted to call and check on you today.
Me: (assuming she means the snow) Oh i'm good, the roads are clear now, we can get out and about.
Mammaw: Did you get any flowers for valentines day?
Me: ....no, no flowers. i did take myself to the symphony last night (hoping to change the subject.)
Mammaw: I figured you wouldnt get flowers today. Thats why I wanted to call and make sure you were ok.
Me: (through gritted teeth, as the headache gets worse) Yes, mammaw. i'm fine. i had a nice lunch with friends.
Mammaw: Oh good. I'm glad you aren't sitting home alone all by yourself today. What are you doing now?
Me: ...going home. by myself.
Mammaw: Oh. well, stay warm! (hangs up)

at this point i wrecked my car into the giant snowbank beside my house because i hit a patch of ice going too fast. I'm fine and the car is fine, and after about ten minutes of spinning and mcguyvering, i got it out. but it did not really help my day. so now i'm going to go take another handful of drugs and pass out.

so happy valentines day everyone. if you have someone to love in your life, let them know it. don't let any opportunity you have to make something wonderful get away.

i'm still watching the olympic opening. i know i just typed not long ago, but you know me. sometimes when i get started i just have to keep typing until i find what i'm thinking.

the olympics make me sad in the same way things like the nobel prize makes me sad or disasters make me sad. these people are... well they are great. they are great atheletes. great minds. the disasters bring out great heros and helpers. these people have a purpose and achievement. they are inspirational. they have heart.

and i am jealous of that. i'm never going to win gold. i'm never going to cure cancer. and i dont know if i am ever going to be able to make an impact on the world in the way in which i would like to be able to. i dont want to be rich or famous. i dont want to be a namebrand. i just want to be a good person and find my place on this blue marble where i can bring happiness to others and feel good about myself. and i dont know where that is and i dont know what i'm supposed to do.

i'm just in a weird mood. i'm sorry. i place a lot of blame on the people who've hurt me when its my own fault for letting it happen. two in particular were the same situation, trying desperately for recognition, a sense of worth. until i felt like i had no worth at all. and its hard to change that mindset. i know i am worth something. hell, i've even said it on here trying to convince myself. i still question. i still just dont know. i'm really really trying.

see, that had nothing much to do with the olympics. and i am crazy. i am sorry for being crazy.

shaun white's hair is going for gold.

so i'm watching the opening ceremony and the coverage about canada and its history and all that. and all i can think is how i want to go there, to vancouver, to see those mountains, that snow, on the edge of the world. i think it would be an entirely different experience than looking out over the atlantic. more often than not i wish i had been a pioneer. which i guess would mean i would have had to have been a man. but to be able to be the first (technically speaking of course) to see all these amazing geological marvels. to chart the land, to see the northern lights. i dont know. it just sounds magical to me. oh canada, maybe you are where i belong. your sea-to-sky highway is calling to my heart.



but. every year i say i am not going to watch the olympics. but i get caught up in the magic of it. the stories of the obstacles. and then sad things happen like that poor kid from the nation of georgia who died. what is worse is they keep showing it, over and over, on the news. it breaks my heart and everytime they show the image of the doctor doing chest compressions i start sobbing. he was younger than me. he was doing something he loved. the weltschmertz... it is very strong. my thoughts go to his family and teammates.

i was going to make jokes about shaun white's hair and have one or two good zingers in here. but i just dont have it in me. this week... it wore me out. this weekend will see me sitting right here while those around me are with loved ones. i have a feeling that DQ cake will happen, if DQ ever opens back up from the snow.

they just read a quote on the telecast from W.O.Mitchell. and maybe it was just the way donald sutherland read it but it gave me chills. so i looked it up:

“I could hear the hum and twang of the wind in the great prairie harp of the telephone wires. I remember looking down at the dead, dried-out husks of a gopher crawling with ants and flies and undertaker beetles. I guess I learned at a very young age I was mortal, too. " -w.o.mitchell.

my brain is tired and my heart is sad. and i am sweating like a pig.

love?

i have this theory

that al gore was wrong when he said that global warming was caused by all the garbage we're putting out in the environment. rather, i think it is the result of the body heat radiating off of people on SSRIs. i'm 87% certain that this exact second my guts must be made of liquid hot magma. and those of you who know me, i am NEVER warm. i'm the one found during a heat wave in july with a blanket on. more than one person who has slept next to me has retracted in fear at the ice blocks that are my feet. i am NOT WARM.

but holy shatner. i sit in the coldest part of the office, a space that usually requires me to be curled up in a blanket (not joking) with a space heater strategically placed for optimal heat. but today, today i wanted to strip down to my skivvies and go make snow angels.

the plus side (see?! positive fucking thinking) is that this will go away eventually, and until then, well, my heat bill will be lower.

i've been having crazy dreams the past couple of weeks. i don't remember all of them, but many involve me having to take standardized tests. but for weird things. one in particular was administred by my 8th grade shemale of a homeroom teacher. it was 4 questions long, two were math, two essay. and you had to pass to have a future. i guessed on both of the math before and i somehow knew that one of them was wrong. i picked 19 when it was supposed to be 9. and i woke up before i even got to do the writing ones. so who knows if i have a future. the other was similar, another standardized test, but i hadnt gotten to take it yet. i was in line with several miscreants of braxton county and if you passed the ACT-like test you got to go to a museum for valentines day. and if you didnt, well you were a miscreant of braxton and who knows what they do, probably make meth and go to the bowling alley. and the rabble had no desire to even waste their time taking the test because they thought museums were stupid and uppity. and i woke up before i took the test.

i'm really trying to pass this test. its hard though, bc i dont know the answers anymore. i thought i did. i thought i knew exactly how many a's, b's, c's to circle. but it turns out the test is... i dont know, in russian.

so for now. i am going to go take a nap. i have no exciting plans for the night. i'm just hoping i dont get snowed in this weekend again.

the lion slept last night.

that sleeping pill? tooootally worth the money. i slept nine solid hours. no waking up convinced someone was trying to kill me, no waking up and thinking i was choking, no tossing and turning. just uninterrupted wonderful sleep. it might possibly have been better than sex. and that sayin somethin comin from me.

however, because of the sleeping pill most of the day today i felt like an extra from a cheech and chong movie, complete with cotton mouth. the other medicine obviously hasn't done anything yet, but this afternoon i felt like i was in the fucking zone. which was ncie and yet scary. i was an editing machine. there were nice things though. like how i play music bc the ppl i sit around dont suck, and the beatles 'revolution' came on. we totally had that cheesy television office moment where we all chime in and are singing just bc we damn well can and its a good song. we should put together a family band and go on tour.

all day today i wanted one of those green lemon-lime suckers that you used to get when you were a kid, namely from Shoneys. that's where you got your free suckers on sunday when your whole family went to shoneys for lunch after church so that everyone could see you in your church finery and not judge you bc you didnt go to church (although they would judge which church you went to, so avoid the salad bar, kids.) but. green suckers! i would dig through the sucker bin (which is gross in hindsight) for the sacred green sucker. looove. i want to go find some now.

i also thought of legends of the hidden temple today bc i was writing a factsheet involving ohmic (dont even bother, its a boring boring thing) which made me think of olmec, which man, didn't you just always want to be a silver monkey? anyone want to dress up for halloween this year?

anyway. i l<3 shainna because she sent me a present. and it's delicious. she doesn't love you as much as she does me, neener neener neener.

ok. i'm lame and my lame shows are getting ready to come on, so i'm going to go watch those and drug myself into awesome sleep.

much love.

Tentacles. N-T. Big Difference.

are you aware of how damn much it costs to be crazy? i'm sorry, to have generalized anxiety and depression. It sure aint TWO DOLLARS, lane myers. (realizes no one will get that movie reference because i am a loser. moving on...)

so i finally got prescribed drugs to hopefully even my ass out. and to put the icing on the cake they gave me a non-habit forming sleep aid (which is a hell of a lot cheaper, folks.) which i will be taking shortly.

part of me feels like i should be embarrassed writing about this stuff on here, but, i mean shit. i tell you people everything else, i might as well this too. hell, half of you have said i need to be medicated for years now. (joke. but not really.) and, i feel like i always have to say, this isnt me saying i want to be all, 'oh, poor andrea, lets pity her and shower her with chocolate.' although the chocolate woudl be nice. but i just feel like if i talk about it with people who care about me it will make me not so embarrassed and upset about what state i am in whether i like to admit it or not. and i was embarrassed sitting in the doctors office telling yet another stranger about all the crazy things i do and trying not to start crying and trying to keep breathing bc my chest was caving in. it didnt take very long to convince him i needed -something-.

the only person who isnt supportive of this is bert, who's convinced the side effects outweigh the benefits, that i'll become suicidal or worse, a republican (joke. mental changes and bipolar disorder are listed as possible side effects.) i think, though that i would recognize if i was trying to kill myself, and for the other, i've never voted before. why start now. but it really doesnt help at all having him yell at me about how stupid it is that i'm ok with taking medication. it's not that i'm excited about it, its that i just want -something- to work.

i was supposed to go to dinner and have the wonder that is sushi with chris bailes this evening, but it finally decided to really get gross out there, to the point that even i was a little worried to be driving. so home i am. in the grey sweatpants. getting yelled at because i apparently dont care enough about my wellbeing to not take medication.

strange, i thought thats why i went there.

i'm also more sad than i should be that captain phil of the boat cornelia marie (from the show deadliest catch) has died. he was my favorite captain.

now if you excuse me, i'm going to go have a cry, take a pill, and hug my idiot dog for being adorable. i promise embarrassingly funny andrea stories from the 80s will resume shortly.

a champion among snowtires

every day for the last four days, i probably should not have been on the roads. no one should, really. but that doesnt stop us. in fact, i get a sick pleasure out of driving in this garbage. i once again slid sideways into work this morning, being one of only 4 people to even show up. call me crazy (it's ok, people with advanced degrees do) but i get a wild feeling about myself and every day driving in this mess is like another test. i either win or wreck. and for some reason i really like those odds.

since the MASSIVE SNOW did not happen last night, i didn't think there would be any issue driving in today. i should have known better when my car door was frozen shut. i do not have the patience for my remote starter to heat up the subi, so i tried all 4 doors. the only one that worked was the back drivers side. so picture it, me throwing myself into the front passenger seat and then shimmying into the driver seat, and kicking the living shit out of my door to get it open, bc i'll be damned if i was going to play that game again. it's a shame, bc i was having a really good hair day, too.

the roads are a solid sheet of ice. i got zero traction anywhere. so i slid when i had to and sped up when i had to and just had myself a merry, if not a little intense, drive into town. i once again slid sideways toward that one single nice new SUV in the parking lot, but my mcguyver skills kicked in as they always do (knock on wood).

this is all fun and dandy, but maybe getting a little old.

also, right now, you dont know it but i am a fact sheet rockstar. i cant really discuss it any further than that, but nerds everywhere should bow at my snowboots.

i really really really need my insurance card, and soon.

doin me a solid. that just sounds dirty.

so i know i shouldnt talk preemptive shit on the upcoming snowstorm (which the radio is calling Son of Snowmageddon) but uh, it's not happening. And we even got sent home early so that we wouldn't die out there on the roads. I shouldn't complain bc that means I got to sit here in my coveted gray sweatpants, but, there is only so much -sitting here- i can handle. as you well know.

a ginormous thanks goes out to Piz today, who out of the goodness of my heart, i mean his heart, came over and shoveled me out for real and then salted everything down like... well... something that you put a lot of salt on. mashed potatoes? McDonalds french fries? I'm glad he and I are still generally good terms after all this time. And that he knows how incompetent i am when it comes to weathering the weather. So in theory, if the storm does come, I should be ok this time and wont have to drop an f-bomb or 30 in my driveway.

also, did you know it was a holiday on monday? where have i been. this could be good if the weather lets up and bert gets to come to town as planned, or if the project i'm working decides to give me the middle finger, it could possibly just be another work day. i'm trying to get as much done now as i can, and if nothing else, i'll use monday to go practice pottery, which was canceled tonight because of the impending doom. DOOOOOOOOOOM.

i know a guy who's last name is doom. he's pretty alright. i know a girl who's last name WILL BE doom sooner or later, and she's even more alright than the fellow. i may hold some bias on statement.

so my evil smart dog, in all her evil smartness decided to get back at me for throwing her in the snow bank by chewing apart her leash. in 3 places. now she has had this leash since i got her, and she knows what said leash stands for. so i fully beleive she did it on purpose so that she doesnt have to go back out in the snow. evil genius.

i'm trying to think of a fun andrea pre-1995 story for you, but am drawing a blank. for some reason all i can think about (between my hiccups that wont go away) is that dr. seuss book where they dye the snow and it dyes everything that glorious cupcake icing pink color. i wish i could do that in real life.

i wish i could have a cupcake in real life even more.

if i get stuck in this house tomorrow... no. i will not get stuck. even if i have to walk.

hrmph.

why i dont need access to the internet

all day today i could swear to you i smell like maple syrup. i have no idea. honestly. no idea. but every now and then i swear to you i smell maple syrup. and i havent been in contact with maple syrup since... well since that one time i sat in it, but we don't need to discuss that again.

and i was talking to the CRJ about this and how it is driving me nuts. and then he asks, rhetorically, if i'm a bit of a hypochondriac (which i think is a good way to put it. as we all know i'm usually convinced i have -something- but i'm too afraid of doctors and needles to actually find out if i do. see posts on Aspergers.). he then proceeds to show me what medical things that result you in smelling like maple syrup. prognosis is: i'm going to go retarded and die OR whatever happens to your body with diabetes and then die.

there is also secret option C where i'm just batshit crazy, and frankly i'm reeeeally gunning for that one right now.

baboon rising

when i was an age i care not to mention, i really thought the CCR song was not about a 'bad moon rising' but rather a 'baboon rising.'

because that makes so damn much more sense.




also, i'd like to thank subaru once again for making a rockstar of an old lady vehicle because i did not die on the way to or from work today even though i slid sideways down a hill and nearly hit this nice pretty new SUV with the dealer tags still on. thank you counter steering spidey sense.

even though it is still a mess out there it is so beautiful outside. i wish i could control my car and take photos at the same time because there are so many views that just take my breath away.


also, there is no also.

lovelovelove

thinking

you know that part in The Sound of Music where beautiful julie andrews, hero of my dreams*, is walking down the aisle to marry the man with too much makeup but a beautiful singing voice and they are singing 'how do you solve a problem like maria'? is it just me, or is that just a BAD idea for a wedding march. and this coming from someone who when she saves up the money for her mail order husband wants a string quartet playing Journey's 'dont stop believing' (like in the Wedding Singer). if -i- think it's a bad idea, then its really really got to be a bad idea.

right??? (genuinely concerned here.)



*julie andrews is right up there with warren miller and the editors of zoobooks, circa 1986-1995.

i managed to get out of the house, if only for a little bit today, which was a very good thing because i was thisclose to losing my mind. and as i slid sideways through the stoplight, i reminded myself why i wanted to move south. i can drive in this weather no problem. hell, i -like- driving in the snow. but this is just garbage and princess didnt buy in for this package.

and since the cable was out most of the weekend (it's fixed now, and am i watching the super bowl? no, i am watching the sound of music. smite me now, if you wish) i watched many many many dvds. all of the first season of boston legal. several other of my personal favorite movies. including darjeeling limited. however this is the first time i got to watch the ten minute mini-movie that starts it, the hotel chevalier. and let me tell you that mini-over the top-super ridiculous dialogue of a film hit me waay too closely. i might as well have been little jason schwartzman (how short IS he anyway?) at this point, i got the fbomb out of the house.

now. you remember that path i cleared in my hulk rage. it turned to a solid sheet of ice. my car just sat and spun. we were NOT PLEASED. but my super nice college neighbor was out there digging out his car and said if i would hold on a sec he had some of that ice melt stuff. so while my driveway melted i helped him dig out his car, further wrenching my back all out of place, but i couldnt just stand there and do nothing after he'd been nice to me.

if this snow doesnt get its act together by this weekend i am going to go ape. i am supposed to see ben folds and the pburgh symphony and i will be there even if i have to hire sled dogs.

so i was supposed to go to the doctor today to take the blue pill (not that blue pill) but since i dont have an insurance card yet, i couldnt. but it really is time. i'm tired of wonderland and i cant handle seeing where this rabbithole goes... because i know where it goes, and it is something i'd rather not witness. not only bc it is shameful and foolish, but because the more i let the logical side think, the more i realize what a terrible path to nowhere i was on. so we're trying. we're really really trying.

and i dont want you to ever think i say this stuff so you'll feel sorry for dear poor little andrea. believe me, its not. it's one of the few things i can do to at least get a little bit of it out. bc this is shaky ground and i've come way too close to slipping off way too often lately. and if i can tell you stupid stories about stupid things i did when i was little, or about how i smashed my boob off and made baby jesus cry, then i'll do that instead. bc i'd much rather make you laugh than see what a mess i really am curled up in a ball under my covers sobbing because i'm convinced i'm worthless and going to die alone of cancer or some equally terrible incurable disease and i hate valentines day for reminding me what a damn failure at life that i am. so. it is much easier to make fun of myself than deal with myself. but i am trying. i really really am.

and now for a funny story. my favorite song when i was little was Walk Like an Egyptian by the Bangles. i am pretty sure i just really wanted their hair, but that is not the point. but i would sing this song, and only this song, in the bathtub. i knew every word (though i have no idea how, because i dont remember the parentals watching mtv, which means my older cousins must have taught it to me). and most of you know, bc i've said it before, but i am a bathtub singer. a LOUD bathtub singer. so i would line up all my California Raisins, my Smurfs, my Sheera Princess of Power, and my mermaid barbie complete with color changing hair and legs beneath a detachable tail, and make them walk like an egyptian lemming right into the bathtub of DOOOOOOOM. because obviously i left them in the water after i let the stopper out because it was totally fine with me if they got sucked down the drain to china but i'll be damned if i would be bc i had walked like an egyptian right out of there. i kinda wish i had my california raisins now so i could line them up instead of eighty four thousand different kinds of shampoo. its just not the same kind of personality.

its official. i've always been crazy. only when i was little i could mask it as being theatrical.

one time

one time, when i was pretty small, i'd say in the 7 to 8 range, i broke a door with my ass.

granted it was one of those screen doors, but ithad the glass in it, not the screen part. and this was in the old house where we still had things like screen doors instead of yuppie doors. and i dont remember how it happened, only that in one minute i was on one side of the door, and the next my ass had visited the other side.

and i should point out that up until about 7th grade i had no ass to speak of. so the fact that i managed to do this is frankly amazing.

about the same time i accidentally terrified the mormons who came to our house to bring me jesus because i told them my mommy was in the shower but if they wait a few minutes she'd be out in her towel. they didnt come back for a long long time.

i have no idea in the world why i remembered these things. what is with me lately having childhood flashbacks. somehow i'm still totally blanking on all of high school, but believe me, i am very VERY ok with that.

what.the.snow.

A caution. there will be profanity in this post.

so i was tired of sitting around with the dog and decided it was time to go locate my porch and my car. i was presented with this:yes, i still have my christmas decorations up, lets get over that and look at the motherfucking snow. of course the dog shot out the door thinking it was a joyous occasion to be let out of her cage and immediately FROZE on the steps like this:


yes. she was stuck. she then turned around and gave me that look that said to me, if you dont get my frozen ass back in the house i will poop in your favorite shoes and chew up that thing you hide in the closet. so i booted her ass back into the house, kicked around some snow until i found the shovel and made a sorta path down the steps. i then decided to tackle the car:um, where the Shatner is my car? surely not under that gianormous pile. or in front of that even more ginormous pile behind it that is blocking my way to the main road. so as i dug out the subi i debated the pros and cons of digging out the driveway. now. -logically- it would make sense to dig it out so that nothing tore up the car. but that part of my brain that usually takes over, the part that sent my five year old self over the hill in the power wheels after i had been specifically told not to play evil knievel, told me to fuck it! that would be so much fun to drive over! but i'm supposed to be working on listening to that damn logical side, so digging to china commenced.

and now for the comedy. picture if you will that i am shoveling. if it helps with the image i am wearing pink and blue striped fleece pants and a hoodie. i am the epitome of haute snow fashion. and i hit this piece of ice/asphalt/whatever. a normal person would, i dont know, find a smarter way to get out of this situation than putting more force on the shovel, resulting in the scoopy part exploding out of the snow and hitting the self in the chesticle region, shattering the already frozen area into a million tiny titty icicles. now i have been walking on that shaky precipice that i like to call Keeping My Shit Together since the snow started. until this point. at which i put my english degree to good use and created a torrent of profanity that would make the father in A Christmas Story cry a tear of pride. luckily no one was around to openly witness this, even though i KNOW the old man next door had been laughing his ass off at me for the better part of an hour. luckily my Hulk Rage (trademark) kicked in and i cleaned out my whole motherfucking driveway. i then took this lovely photo, and collapsed in the bathtub.

i'm quite proud of my manly self and my newly aquired burly blisters on my hands. so proud that i'm rewarding myself with the new vera bradley poppyfield print motherfucking purse.

motherfuckers.

snowpocalypse

all day yesterday i scoffed at the snow. until about 7pm when it dumped down out of no where. there is some ridiculous number of ppl in mon county without power and i'm just waiting to be one of them. it did flicker a couple times in the night. so much for that DQ cake today. so here are two photos i just took with my phone. i can get my front door open about 5 inches because its such a heavy wet snow, and it is still coming down, hardcore. this does not bode well for me.

Laugh, Kookaburra, Laugh

so on the radio i keep hearing about how Men at Work lost a lawsuit over their song Down Under because it infringed on a campy song for kids. I used to really love this song but now have bad connotations with it, which is neither here nor there really. But for some reason that for the life of me i cannot figure out, i know all the words to Kookaburra Sits in the Old Gum Tree. I mean its not something that kids around here would just grow up singing, and yet i can spout off the whole song, and did for co-workers, for reasons that still boggle my mind. and i'm sure also now boggle my co-workers, as i am firmly established as 'that girl who is always humming/singing to herself (at least they haven't got my Life is a Highway rendition yet) the only reason i can think of is that rhonda, ben's mom, taught it to us when we were very little during one of their many visits. and i'd call mom and ask her if she remembers, were she speaking to me.

or maybe i'm just crazy.


which brings me to something funny that isnt actually funny but if i dont find humor with myself who will? when i left the doctor's office yesterday, after an hour of being a mess do you know what the first song on the radio was when i turned on the car? gnarls barkeley's 'crazy.' i cracked up laughing. laughing be what i do in situations where i want to do other things but dont.

thats not a monkey, thats me.

once upon a time

all growing up we'd used to go stay a couple days to a couple weeks, depending on everyones schedules, and go stay in a cabin at canaan to go skiing and those were some of the best times that i can remember. and pappaw always used to get us kids those bubble gum cigars. i always got pink, michael always got blue, laura always got purple.

i dont know why i remember this. i dont know why it is important.

so i went to sleep yesterday at 715. i had 3 separate panic attacks yesterday, for no reason, well, not no reason, but no important reason. so i just gave up on the day. they are so severe that when i woke up today my right side felt like i'd been lifting weights and was sore. i have got to calm down. especially since i'm about to be snowed in all weekend. i was gonna go to DC but uh, the forecast says otherwise. which is probably a good thing.

work is still good. i cant say enough how thankful i am for it and for the people there. work and pottery are like my lifelines lately, bc i have to be good at one and prove to these people i am worth their trust in me as a writer, and can turn my brain off for the other and just... just make something. something that isnt for anyone else and wont upset anyone else and even if i cant make it perfect thats still ok because it doesnt have to be and i can just breathe in and out and the world keeps spinning. hell. that was a ramble.

i'm trying. i'm trying to do the right thing. but it is still good and safe and not as scary to come home and put on the grey sweatpants and curl up in bed and watch crap tv. i do love crap tv.

craaaaaaaaaaaaaaap tv.

i nearly bought myself an ice cream cake from DQ this evening. because i love ice cream cake. but i couldnt think what to have written on it in that delicious gel icing that wouldnt be lame. 'you can do this'? 'this cake is delicious'? 'dont give up now?' 'i dont understand the plot of Lost'? and then the chest tightening started and i went home.

constriction

i had five really good days in a row. which means that the lows taste extra bitter. today was booboo garbage. and not because of work, work is still amazing. however i felt like i was having a heart attack three separate occasions.

i dont care its 7p, i'm making myself a nyquil cocktail and going to bed.

grow a soul, andrea

i was having a moderately mediocre day til someone told me to 'grow a soul, andrea' bc they're mad at me. that really didn't help things, but i am hoping that pottery in an hour will make it better.

so i am officially not being spoken to by my family. who aren't the ones who told me to grow a soul, but it still hurt. but no, the ware clan is currently shunning me because i want to move out of here. i'm told its financially irresponsible, that i'm not really having problems and buying lamps would solve everything, and that i'm just not allowed to move until the trailer is sold, even though its falling apart around me. at the last statement i gave up because my chest was constricting so hard that i thought i was having a heart attack. luckily before the profanity started i got hung up on. so i did what i do best, because i cant talk to people i care about, and sent them a damn email. its pretty bad when you are reduced to talking to family through electronic communication to inform them that you are in fact an adult and have been for several years and are capable of making adult-like decisions especially when you have budgets and graphs and spending summaries created to know how damn much you can afford to spend each month when you factor in all the bills and insurance and 401k and hookers. well not the last part, bc then they'd sick mammaw on me. but damn. i thought i was being responsible by moving out to an environment that is healthier for me. i guess i was mistaken. i'm sure the statement that i'm not legally or financially responsible for this place because they wouldn't put my name on the paperwork before and doesnt that just sting now probably wasnt the best thing to say. but.... fuck it.

day 2 of work was good though. since i know what i'm doing they gave me work and it's nice to get lost in it again. we had a meeting where we were again introduced to everyone as new employees as of monday, whereas the vp remembered that i had 'actually made myself quite a part of the team on saturday night' which was followed by a smattering of laughter and me turning beat red. but. it doesnt matter what i do because i was not the one singing karaoke to Sweet Child of Mine. and speaking of the party, another photo has surfaced. this one i apparently sent as an email to prove that i wore heels. and then deleted. but it made its way back to me and even though its smudgy and dark i feel like i have to prove to the world that i can be a girl, dammit. so put the two photos together and you'll have a general impression. it's funny that i didnt take a photo of brett at all. or at least, that i know of yet anyway. he looked nice too. the suit/shirt/tie i painfully picked out for him at brooks brothers whenever that was paid off. of course, he thought he looked nice and frequently commented on it,which takes away from the whole looking nice aspect. although that is what i'm doing now isnt it.... damn. oh well, its my blog and i want to prove that i can navigate feminine footwear.

why yes, i do have legs under these ratty bluejeans.

anyway. my new boss took me out to lunch and i got to have sushi which is always a win. however it is starting to snow pretty hard which is a major lose. so i better get out of here and go pick up lish and see what kind of garbage pottery i can come up with this week. who knows maybe you'll get lucky and i'll make one of those cups that look like boobies and you drink from the nipples.

what. i watch tv.

now the old king is dead, long live the king

so while looking at garbage on my phone i found this picture. that i apparently took of myself in my dress after the party. i do not remember this happening, as is apparent from the look on my face. you cant even see the dress really, nor the best part which is what wearing heels did for my legs. but, at least this will give you the general idea, completed at a bad angle that makes me look enormous, in a smudgy bathroom mirror. and yes, i do realize the way in which i am holding the camera makes one of the sequin designs look like male parts. that may very well be why i appear to be laughing.


yay new job party sparkle princess tequila.

The world won't turn until something breaks

1. First day of work bid'ness. Can i just say even though i know (I KNOW, OK?) that it's just my first day and all... but i seriously feel awesome about this career move. It wasn't just bc everyone was drunk at the party, even today, everyone was so welcoming and helpful and really put me in the frame of mind that i am going to be important. it wasn't like the last place where they made me feel like they were doing me a favor by hiring/keeping me, but rather it's like... they know i can do the work, they're excited to have me there, and they want to open up every opportunity possible for me. there's extra training and certification i can sign up for, charity events i can be a part of, and well the whole nasa thing kicks ass even though the whole space program just went down the tubes. it is going to be similar work to what i did before, but more on the commercial, public-based knowledge end (vague enough, right?) that i don't feel quite like i'm selling my soul completely.

2. i called the doctor to find out my biopsy results today and they are goodish. the one they were concerned about looks good for now but they want to check it again later and the one they were sorta concerned with but didn't do anything about they want to see later too. so i can put off worrying for another six months. should i still be concerned, sure. am i going to slather sunscreen on like its my job from now on, absolutely. but unless i notice major changes, i can breathe a little easier til.. august.

3. picture this. a shady man comes to my door and tries to sell me steaks and seafood out of the back of his car. i told him i don't eat meat. who is the bigger fraud of this situation?

4. i'm scheduling visits to look at new apartments. i've decided (have i mentioned this? i dont remember) that with all these changes i need to get out of here. and along with every other change i've made lately, i was told it is a damn good idea. it does help hearing from someone else that ideas you've been thinking about...oh...forever, just need to happen to be happy. i think i've made the hardest and yet most beneficial changes already, and anything from here is just building a stronger foundation to fix myself on. but i'm looking at upgrading to a nice place, with more space and light and functionality. an adult space. one with working lights, haha.

5. no but really. as much as i feel lonelyish and weird, this is good. i'd spent too much time like miss havisham, locked up in my own decaying house, obsessing over ways to fix a decaying and useless dream. things i thought i knew, i don't necessarily know so much anymore. and that's scary and weird and and difficult and important. this whole growing thing is hard, kids.

6. to celebrate getting out of bed and going to work and looking at living alternatives, i am going to eat that brie. yes. i reward myself with cheese. i realize this is probably not good for my digestive tract. but, its brieeeee. and delicious.

7. lady gaga and sir elton john kicked ass at the grammy's last night. that is all.

8. love.