Also I fell at the gym. Again. And hurt my ankle. And it's swollen. At least I could cry there and they thought that was why.


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I think my problem is I hope and hold on for things, trying to fix them, when I know it's out of my hands to fix. When you've tried every possible thing imaginable.

I haven't cried this steadily since the end of April. Tears don't do any good. They never have.

I can't let myself lose it again. I am allowed to cry myself to sleep today. But I have to get out of bed tomorrow. I have to keep going.

This week, especially this long weekend, are going to be really hard. I should be celebrating one year engagement, eleven months til my wedding. Instead, fittingly, I'm going to the funeral parade.

Sometimes I hate myself. No matter how hard I try it's just not ever good enough.


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I'll say it. I'm sad. I genuinely thought zach and I could work out stuff by now and we'd get back to where we were. I tried. I don't know what to do anymore though.

It's weird. To have planned a wedding and expecting to be with someone the rest of your life and then that just not happen. I may or may not have sat staring at my dress and cried today.

The rain fits
My mood.

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I haven't blogged in forever. The thought of being on a computer anymore than I have to lately makes me want to claw my eyes out. My mini vacation was nice, sitting by the pool and reading, but I was not ready to come back to my desk like I thought I was. It didn't help that I also got the plague this week. By closing time today I just wanted to scream and throw something breakable.

Also, does anyone know where to sell a never worn wedding dress? I forgot I had it at a friends house until she brought it over bc she's moving. It's currently wadded up in a closet.

I made clay beads this evening. The only time I use my oven is for art projects. Now I need to acquire a Staple gun. (different project)

I watched the frog prince on Netflix bc I'm ten years old.

The titty bar across town had a sign that they are having something about weather weekend. I posted the pic and just remembered.


Calypso is prepared for the hurricane.




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So. I'm on a mini vacation. It hasn't started out all that well. But I know I needed it. I was edging on losing my shit again. Even if I'm not going anywhere, getting to sleep in was nice. Going to the pool to read here in a little bit will be nice. Now if I can just push out all the eighty million worries in my head.


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"I remember the first time my bulb burned out. I thought, "that's it! I'm burnt out! Eighty-sixed! To the showers!" And then my master gave me a new bulb... and I glowed."- lampy, brave little toaster.


Gene's Run for special Olympics. Four miles thru south park (the hills!!!) in one hour and two minutes.

I can do this. I can glow.

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