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Monday, May 30, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
thankful four.
for.
being able to provide for myself. even when i didnt know what i want to do (who'm i kidding. i still dont know what i want to do) i did know that i wanted to be able to take care of myself. while i appreciate help, i feel better when i can stand on my own two feet. roof over my head, food in my belly.
i know i'm lucky to be able to do this.
i know this may be a weird one. but now especially, when i'm back on my own, being able to take care of myself is a good thing.
for.
being able to provide for myself. even when i didnt know what i want to do (who'm i kidding. i still dont know what i want to do) i did know that i wanted to be able to take care of myself. while i appreciate help, i feel better when i can stand on my own two feet. roof over my head, food in my belly.
i know i'm lucky to be able to do this.
i know this may be a weird one. but now especially, when i'm back on my own, being able to take care of myself is a good thing.
Monday, May 16, 2011
what are we up to, #4 of things i'm thankful for?
sooner or later you know i'd have to put my idiot dog in here. maybe its bc i just finished reading Until Tuesday (book about an iraq vet and his service dog. highly recommend it.).
i don't think people who dont have pets understand the bond that is there with a dog. or cat. or whatever animal you choose. they have unwavering affection. they curl up with you when you are sad and are excited when you take the time to play with them.
i will never say that calypso is a good dog. but she is entertaining and loyal and funny and crazy. i'm so very glad that mammaw got her for me as a graduation gift. it has been incredibly helpful to have her here lately especially. it is going to be really hard going back to living by myself. i'm not at all looking forward to the idea of this, but i dont really have a choice now do i? but i dont want to go down this sad sally trail of thought. as of thursday it will be just me and the dog again, and i'm glad for her company.
i just wish it hadnt ended up this way, is all.
sooner or later you know i'd have to put my idiot dog in here. maybe its bc i just finished reading Until Tuesday (book about an iraq vet and his service dog. highly recommend it.).
i don't think people who dont have pets understand the bond that is there with a dog. or cat. or whatever animal you choose. they have unwavering affection. they curl up with you when you are sad and are excited when you take the time to play with them.
i will never say that calypso is a good dog. but she is entertaining and loyal and funny and crazy. i'm so very glad that mammaw got her for me as a graduation gift. it has been incredibly helpful to have her here lately especially. it is going to be really hard going back to living by myself. i'm not at all looking forward to the idea of this, but i dont really have a choice now do i? but i dont want to go down this sad sally trail of thought. as of thursday it will be just me and the dog again, and i'm glad for her company.
i just wish it hadnt ended up this way, is all.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Thankful 4. I'm thankful for best friends. Whether near or far, I know my bf will be here for me. Even when I'm being a whiny bitch, which is often lately, I know if I need something I just need to make a phone call. It's been a crazy couple of years in our lives but it's good to know someone out there always loves me no matter how badly I fuck up. I have a lot more I should say but there aren't enough words.
Love you so so much
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Love you so so much
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thankful day 3
well. today i am thankful for lowes. lol
morgantown had a monsoon yesterday afternoon. it rains here sure, but it was insane how much and how hard it rained in a short period of time, and then kept steadily raining. so much that lish and jason's basement started flooding.
so we had to hurry and carry all of my stuff upstairs and as much of lish's stuff as we could get out of the way and up on high surfaces while jason tried to use the shop vac to get water up. but it kept coming in faster and faster. so lish and i had to go to the magical lowes and buy a pump thing.
at the worst of it there was over 8 inches of water in the basement. but the pump thingy got that taken care of in short order. it was the craziest thing i've ever seen happen.
we saved almost everything from getting wet except the new unfinished doors they just bought that they were going to stain and all that stuff today actually. but they think that the insurance will cover the price of those. so if anything, we had a hell of an adventure.
and then we watched one of those ghost shows and ate dairy queen to celebrate the fact that we didnt need to buy a boat to get around. from what i hear, a good part of town flooded, so i guess we are very lucky.
i'm trying to stay very busy. thats the only thing that makes sense right now.
hope you all have a goody day.
well. today i am thankful for lowes. lol
morgantown had a monsoon yesterday afternoon. it rains here sure, but it was insane how much and how hard it rained in a short period of time, and then kept steadily raining. so much that lish and jason's basement started flooding.
so we had to hurry and carry all of my stuff upstairs and as much of lish's stuff as we could get out of the way and up on high surfaces while jason tried to use the shop vac to get water up. but it kept coming in faster and faster. so lish and i had to go to the magical lowes and buy a pump thing.
at the worst of it there was over 8 inches of water in the basement. but the pump thingy got that taken care of in short order. it was the craziest thing i've ever seen happen.
we saved almost everything from getting wet except the new unfinished doors they just bought that they were going to stain and all that stuff today actually. but they think that the insurance will cover the price of those. so if anything, we had a hell of an adventure.
and then we watched one of those ghost shows and ate dairy queen to celebrate the fact that we didnt need to buy a boat to get around. from what i hear, a good part of town flooded, so i guess we are very lucky.
i'm trying to stay very busy. thats the only thing that makes sense right now.
hope you all have a goody day.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Thankful day 2
Today I am thankful for zach. I know that may seem strange under the circumstances, but I genuinely am. I learned a lot abt myself while in a relationship with him.
I know there are a lot of things that I could say that would make no sense to you, especially now, but he showed me I am capable of being part of a couple.
I don't want to get sappy or worse, more depressed. But I miss the Stranger a lot.
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Today I am thankful for zach. I know that may seem strange under the circumstances, but I genuinely am. I learned a lot abt myself while in a relationship with him.
I know there are a lot of things that I could say that would make no sense to you, especially now, but he showed me I am capable of being part of a couple.
I don't want to get sappy or worse, more depressed. But I miss the Stranger a lot.
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Well. I have an apt. Not the one I was supposed to get bc they accidentally gave that one away.
So my options that were left? A Lower level with almost zero sunlight. Zachs old apartment. Or
The one above his old apt. I chose the least of three evils and went with the above one.
It sucked having to pay a security deposit and pet fee all over again. But that's life I guess. I can't move in until the 19th. I just want it over with.
I promptly got back in my car when the paperwork was done and bawled my eyes out.
This is not where I expected my life to be.
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So my options that were left? A Lower level with almost zero sunlight. Zachs old apartment. Or
The one above his old apt. I chose the least of three evils and went with the above one.
It sucked having to pay a security deposit and pet fee all over again. But that's life I guess. I can't move in until the 19th. I just want it over with.
I promptly got back in my car when the paperwork was done and bawled my eyes out.
This is not where I expected my life to be.
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I can't sleep and I dunno why. Maybe it's the storm and the bed that isn't mine. But I've given up ready a crappy book and decided I would be productive instead.
I still have several things to complete on my goals list that I need to kick into high gear. As I went down the list, the one that seemed most beneficial to me right now was a months worth of posts about things I am thankful for. Bc sometimes you just really need to remind yourself of these things. And while I don't think I will post every day, I will do a months worth, 31 posts. I think that seems fair.
So today I am thankful for lisha and Jason. They've helped me move more times than i can count, and this time they even took me in. On very short notice. I know it's cramping their style, but it was never a question of whether it was ok with them. They offered before I could even ask. They took care of me in a time where I'm nearly incapable of taking care of myself. They are supportive without judging. I know this hasn't been ideal for anyone, but it's good to know if a problem arises that there is always someone there to help me out. I try to be like this in my own life, but sometimes I can't see past my own nose and fail others. Seeing how easily and willingly these two do it makes me want to try all the harder to be a better person. When I move I am buying them many many flowers to plant in their beautiful flower garden.
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I still have several things to complete on my goals list that I need to kick into high gear. As I went down the list, the one that seemed most beneficial to me right now was a months worth of posts about things I am thankful for. Bc sometimes you just really need to remind yourself of these things. And while I don't think I will post every day, I will do a months worth, 31 posts. I think that seems fair.
So today I am thankful for lisha and Jason. They've helped me move more times than i can count, and this time they even took me in. On very short notice. I know it's cramping their style, but it was never a question of whether it was ok with them. They offered before I could even ask. They took care of me in a time where I'm nearly incapable of taking care of myself. They are supportive without judging. I know this hasn't been ideal for anyone, but it's good to know if a problem arises that there is always someone there to help me out. I try to be like this in my own life, but sometimes I can't see past my own nose and fail others. Seeing how easily and willingly these two do it makes me want to try all the harder to be a better person. When I move I am buying them many many flowers to plant in their beautiful flower garden.
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Tuesday, May 10, 2011
tuesday. blurgh.
so today i woke up with a migraine. fitting really at this point. i've hid in the dark for most of the day.
i went and looked at a new apartment today, which was one of the hardest things i've done. ironically, it was in the complex where zach used to live. i sat in the visitors parking waiting for the landlord people to come over and had a breakdown bc it was the exact same parking spot i sat in over a year ago when i was nervous about going to meet zach for the first time. had it been the same apartment, i'm pretty sure i would have had to be committed. luckily, it's not.
however, they cant sign me over to this one until they get me off the other lease, which apparently is some big damn deal. i think this is crap since they are getting money for 2 apartments, but i guess i understand they have to be legal about it. luckily i told them whats up so they are going to try and make it as quick as possible. so i'll probably be moving soon. again. it's not what i want to be doing, but i understand that it has to be done. it just sucks really really really bad.
i went with lish for a walk this evening bc i figured at least i can tire myself out and maybe actually sleep tonight. we walked from lish's house (which is in westover) and went all the way to high street and back. that is 90% up hill both ways. i didnt think i was going to make it but i did. i'm making it through a lot i didnt think i would make lately, so. theres that i guess.
i cried at the grocery store today bc an old lady told me she wanted to die already. what do you say to someone when you here that? i ended up buying a bag of dove chocolates and a dr pepper and eating/drinking most of it.
i know logically i need to do this. and i know logically zach needs to do this. but jesus. this wasnt supposed to happen.
so today i woke up with a migraine. fitting really at this point. i've hid in the dark for most of the day.
i went and looked at a new apartment today, which was one of the hardest things i've done. ironically, it was in the complex where zach used to live. i sat in the visitors parking waiting for the landlord people to come over and had a breakdown bc it was the exact same parking spot i sat in over a year ago when i was nervous about going to meet zach for the first time. had it been the same apartment, i'm pretty sure i would have had to be committed. luckily, it's not.
however, they cant sign me over to this one until they get me off the other lease, which apparently is some big damn deal. i think this is crap since they are getting money for 2 apartments, but i guess i understand they have to be legal about it. luckily i told them whats up so they are going to try and make it as quick as possible. so i'll probably be moving soon. again. it's not what i want to be doing, but i understand that it has to be done. it just sucks really really really bad.
i went with lish for a walk this evening bc i figured at least i can tire myself out and maybe actually sleep tonight. we walked from lish's house (which is in westover) and went all the way to high street and back. that is 90% up hill both ways. i didnt think i was going to make it but i did. i'm making it through a lot i didnt think i would make lately, so. theres that i guess.
i cried at the grocery store today bc an old lady told me she wanted to die already. what do you say to someone when you here that? i ended up buying a bag of dove chocolates and a dr pepper and eating/drinking most of it.
i know logically i need to do this. and i know logically zach needs to do this. but jesus. this wasnt supposed to happen.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
its sunday and i'm homeless.
that sounds harsh. i'm not completely homeless. alisha and jason are letting me stay with them until.... well. until zach and i fix this or i find a new apartment. i feel awful i had to ask them to let me stay, but they are great and didnt even think twice. and i'm thankful for that.
i have hinted to it, but i'm sure you've guessed what's going on. i knew something like this was always a possibility, bc not everyone understands depression and ups and downs. and i get that. and thats why i'm not mad at zach. i cant make it clear enough i'm not mad at him. i'm sad that he is hurting so much and i'm sad that i cant fix it. i know he loves me and i love him. but i hurt him and i cant take it back.
and i am better than i was. i'm getting healthier. tomorrow i'm joining a new gym with my friend amanda. its disgustingly expensive so i will feel guilty if i dont go. but alisha goes there and likes it and so i'm hoping it will help me get back on the right track. i know i am healthier mind and body than i used to be. and i want to keep working toward that goal even though i'm completely heartbroken. i dont know what else i can do for zach or the relationship so i'm going to try to take care of myself right now.
but that doesnt mean i'm not crying myself to sleep every night. bc i am. bc this is horrible. i know i dont deserve to be blindsided by this. but we were supposed to be married next year. i was planning a vacation for zach's birthday. all these things that i thought were there and now they are gone and i dont know if i can fix it. i've never felt more naked than i do without my ring.
and i know that sounds whiny and i apologize for that. but believe me that i am trying. i made an appointment with a new therapist since mine moved away. this time i feel better about going because i know what is going on and i know that they can help me find the right ways to keep helping myself. i want to help us, but if i cant do that i want to at least help myself.
and i know i sound all positive right now. i'm not. i'm barely keeping it together. but its not depression sad this time. this is broken love sad.
i dont know what is going to happen. i know what i want to happen, but that doesnt mean it will.
please pray for me and for zach and for us. thank you all.
that sounds harsh. i'm not completely homeless. alisha and jason are letting me stay with them until.... well. until zach and i fix this or i find a new apartment. i feel awful i had to ask them to let me stay, but they are great and didnt even think twice. and i'm thankful for that.
i have hinted to it, but i'm sure you've guessed what's going on. i knew something like this was always a possibility, bc not everyone understands depression and ups and downs. and i get that. and thats why i'm not mad at zach. i cant make it clear enough i'm not mad at him. i'm sad that he is hurting so much and i'm sad that i cant fix it. i know he loves me and i love him. but i hurt him and i cant take it back.
and i am better than i was. i'm getting healthier. tomorrow i'm joining a new gym with my friend amanda. its disgustingly expensive so i will feel guilty if i dont go. but alisha goes there and likes it and so i'm hoping it will help me get back on the right track. i know i am healthier mind and body than i used to be. and i want to keep working toward that goal even though i'm completely heartbroken. i dont know what else i can do for zach or the relationship so i'm going to try to take care of myself right now.
but that doesnt mean i'm not crying myself to sleep every night. bc i am. bc this is horrible. i know i dont deserve to be blindsided by this. but we were supposed to be married next year. i was planning a vacation for zach's birthday. all these things that i thought were there and now they are gone and i dont know if i can fix it. i've never felt more naked than i do without my ring.
and i know that sounds whiny and i apologize for that. but believe me that i am trying. i made an appointment with a new therapist since mine moved away. this time i feel better about going because i know what is going on and i know that they can help me find the right ways to keep helping myself. i want to help us, but if i cant do that i want to at least help myself.
and i know i sound all positive right now. i'm not. i'm barely keeping it together. but its not depression sad this time. this is broken love sad.
i dont know what is going to happen. i know what i want to happen, but that doesnt mean it will.
please pray for me and for zach and for us. thank you all.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Things I am doing include:
-trying to maintain a fake positive attitude. This is hard to do when your life is in limbo. But I can't handle being coddled.
-changing to my "summer hair" which means dying it red again.
- falling asleep on couch bc I have no where to go on a Friday night to show off my new summer hair.
-buying my mother over the top mothers day/bday gifts bc shopping still makes me happy and bc after dealing with me this long, she deserves nice things.
- being weirded out that one of the brothers from the boondocks saints is in the new lady gaga video. Which I think is dumb and on the verge of tasteless. And this is coming from someone who actually likes her.
-being lonely and thinking way too much.
- working my ass off. Which is nice. Bc busy is good.
-talking to the dog way too much.
-taking this pic that makes me think of Olan Mills circa 1991:
- eating Oreo cakesters for dinner. Not as good as the original.
-writing strange blog posts, mostly so you know I'm still here.
Love.
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-trying to maintain a fake positive attitude. This is hard to do when your life is in limbo. But I can't handle being coddled.
-changing to my "summer hair" which means dying it red again.
- falling asleep on couch bc I have no where to go on a Friday night to show off my new summer hair.
-buying my mother over the top mothers day/bday gifts bc shopping still makes me happy and bc after dealing with me this long, she deserves nice things.
- being weirded out that one of the brothers from the boondocks saints is in the new lady gaga video. Which I think is dumb and on the verge of tasteless. And this is coming from someone who actually likes her.
-being lonely and thinking way too much.
- working my ass off. Which is nice. Bc busy is good.
-talking to the dog way too much.
-taking this pic that makes me think of Olan Mills circa 1991:
- eating Oreo cakesters for dinner. Not as good as the original.
-writing strange blog posts, mostly so you know I'm still here.
Love.
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Monday, May 2, 2011
so things are still on shaky ground, but it's one day at a time, right?
it seems bizarre that in the midst of all this, i went home and actually had a good time. ben is in from australia and it is always good to see him, or any of the family for that matter. we did as many stereotypical things as we could. taught him to shoot a gun. took him to Sams Club and introduced him to jumbo coke icees and gallon tubs of cheese puffs. but we also did some pretty cool stuff, such as ziplining.
now. those of you know know me know i have irrational fears of pretty much everything. ever. in the world. needless to say that heights and falling to my death are on that list. but i was determined to do this. and you know what? i had a blast. you are completely safe (though it doesn't look it) and an absolutely beautiful way to see your surroundings. i mean we "flew" over the gauley river for 750+ feet. and i didn't even freak out when we had to rappel down from the last tree stand. i feel very proud of myself for doing this.
if i can do this, anyone can. and i can't wait to go back.
we then went to the Mystery Hole, number one cheesy roadside attraction extraordinaire. it 'defies the law of gravity' or some such nonsense. it really did mess with your depth perception though, and was worth every one of the six dollars admission price.
so it was overall a good weekend. everyone had been warned ahead of time that i really didnt want to talk about anything that was going on, and they all respected my wishes, which actually made some time more awkward than it would have been otherwise. but i know they love me and zach both and whatever happens is going to happen. even i dont know right now, but i'm not just going to give up without trying, and neither is he.
things aren't perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but, they could always be worse.
it seems bizarre that in the midst of all this, i went home and actually had a good time. ben is in from australia and it is always good to see him, or any of the family for that matter. we did as many stereotypical things as we could. taught him to shoot a gun. took him to Sams Club and introduced him to jumbo coke icees and gallon tubs of cheese puffs. but we also did some pretty cool stuff, such as ziplining.
now. those of you know know me know i have irrational fears of pretty much everything. ever. in the world. needless to say that heights and falling to my death are on that list. but i was determined to do this. and you know what? i had a blast. you are completely safe (though it doesn't look it) and an absolutely beautiful way to see your surroundings. i mean we "flew" over the gauley river for 750+ feet. and i didn't even freak out when we had to rappel down from the last tree stand. i feel very proud of myself for doing this.
if i can do this, anyone can. and i can't wait to go back.
we then went to the Mystery Hole, number one cheesy roadside attraction extraordinaire. it 'defies the law of gravity' or some such nonsense. it really did mess with your depth perception though, and was worth every one of the six dollars admission price.
so it was overall a good weekend. everyone had been warned ahead of time that i really didnt want to talk about anything that was going on, and they all respected my wishes, which actually made some time more awkward than it would have been otherwise. but i know they love me and zach both and whatever happens is going to happen. even i dont know right now, but i'm not just going to give up without trying, and neither is he.
things aren't perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but, they could always be worse.
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