i feel like an asshole.


i knew that zachs gf/fiance/whatever was coming back from ireland soon and i knew (or so i was told, anyway) he had a lot to deal with upon her return and being the tenderhearted sucker that i am, i stayed up all night last night worrying. i felt so worried that (i know, believe me, i know) i unblocked his phone number this morning and texted him telling him i'd unblcoked it and i hoped he was ok and if he needed to talk that i'd be an ear, or i could reblock if he preferred.

you dont need to tell me i'm stupid, i already know that.

i got a text back later while i was running that said 'who is this?' not thinking anything of it except him being an ass i jsut texted 'harhar, funny.' and then it hit me that probably she had his phone. and i felt and still feel like twelve kinds of terrible. i tried to apologize and i said 'unless this is whit. at which point believe me when i say i only want the best for zach and if he's happy with you then that makes me happy. treat him well, ok?" the response i got was 'this isnt witney now leave me alone.'

which means it was whitney. and or zach after she read the texts. i forgot momentarily that he'd been lying to her about speaking to me. as far as she knew he'd blocked my number and contact and if he spoke to me she was going to leave him. all i heard for the last three weeks was how crummy things were with her and this, that and the other. and i bought it hook, line, and sinker.

i'm guessing they had no problems. i'm guessing he was just bored while she was in ireland and wanted to play a game of cat and mouse. i'm so damn good at being the mouse. stupid fucking mouse.

did more than a little part of me hope they would break up bc he realized how far off the path of his life he was and that he'd drive to morgantown in the middle of the night to apologize and sweep me off my feet? yes. i did. bc i am that fool.

how many times can i let him burn me?

i legitimately thought we did have a good conversation a few days ago about how he came to mistrust me and how he didn't take the time to ask questions or see things from my perspective or try to work on it. i thought we finally both were on the same page and were acting like adults. i guess i was mistaken about that too.

i wont pretend that i'm not hurt. but i know i absolutely deserve every bit of it this time. i should have known this would happen. deep down, i did know this would happen. but. that doesnt change the fact that deep down i also genuinely do want him to be happy. and i'm afraid i may have screwed that up for him now if it was she who answered his phone. i didn't mean to cause trouble. i don't want to be that person. i just want to be helpful. it seems the more helpful i try to be, the more problems and hatred arise.

it is a dreary day outside. i went and ran in the rain bc i couldn't sit here all day thinking about it. it only killed a little bit of time.

what is wrong with me? how can i be so stupid? why can't i meet someone who is trustworthy? how many times am i going to allow myself to be lied to.