love, feel, life

i did one of those things that generates the words you tweet the most and shows you a 'cloud' of them and whatever. and the top 3 words i used in the last year are 'love, feel, life.'

i find this very interesting. i know i didnt always use them in that context, but those three words mean very much to me.

so i have less than 24 hours to make my job decision and it terrifies me. i am leaning in one direction but i don't know if that is the right direction. please send positive thoughts in my direction so that i can make this decision wisely. because i am scared.

so thanksgiving was interesting. it wasn't what we've traditionally had, and that made me sad. i think christmas has also officially gone bottoms up as well. I can't help but think of National Lampoons Christmas Vacation where the mother character announces "it's christmas and we're all in misery." i'm going to try and make it the best holiday season i can, but already it feels like many things in my life are missing.

i did at least have a fun time at the cafe last night with friends and family. that place is one of few places now in sutton that you can feel life coming back into the town. and hearing leah sing is always a treat.

so. thats all i can post right now bc i have to go back to giving myself an ulcer over this job thing. i'll be sure to let you know tomorrow what my decision is.

gulp.

And even more photos.

I'm pretty sure I need those sunglasses now.


Checking the threadcount of the sheets. Clearly they please me.


Laura, Michael, me, L.J. Super jealous of laura's jelly shoes.


Kindergarten graduation, complete with construction paper cap.



Why no, there is not sunscreen on that baby. Who's payin for that now.....


Apparently I went through this 3 month phase where I'd only wear this purple tutu. I had such excellent fashion sense in the late 80s.


Lets all take a moment to snicker at Laura's cap.


Number 8973423 of things I wanted to be when I was little that I never did when I was older. a table dancer? uh no.


I asked mom if we just didnt have a hairbrush in the 80s. I got THE LOOK. I kinda like the photo though. I'm forever disheveled.

This is me, michael, dad, pappaw, and pappaw's mom. i dont remember much about granny ware except that she had this jar of hard candy that she'd never let me touch bc I WOULD SURELY CHOKE AND DIE.


Christmas play probably '89. i'm over on the right beside mammaw. laura is sitting in the middle looking pensive. grandma ruth is on the top left.

because those acid wash jeans demand adequate attention.


Michael will karate chop you into the next town. But will cry if you take away super mario brothers.



Look at that classy snowman. complete with bandana. Look at the collie in the background. I loooved that dog and someday when I have a yard of worth I want to get another collie. They are the best, most understanding pets on earth.


Fishing at the damn dam. I think this was the last time i went fishing until college. I seem to be putting on a brave face. Michael is reelin in the big one.

Lots More Photos

Can I help you? Thats got to be what I'm thinkin in this photo. Here's some more photos. Andrea before the BANGS.

I wish i had a bathing suit like this now.
Laura, Me, Michael. Laura does not look pleased.
Michael before he got his hair cut bc my grandpa said he looked like a girl, Laura (i swear we didnt go around making her cry all the time), and me with my first pair of glasses.
My Supergirl pajamas. WITH DETACHABLE CAPE. let me just tell you i loved this and wore it alll the time.
Me with that stupid grin, michael, and Laura not crying. though she does look kinda evil.
My aunt would always buy me princess stuff when i was little. I felt like a superstar.
Bert and Ernie 3rd birthday.
One day, mammaw made laura and i fairy crowns. so michael wouldnt be left out, she made him a manly one. kind of an oxymoron, eh? ps dont tell michael i put this on here, he'd murderize me.
Oh no. there are the BANGS. this would have been on the USS North Carolina. I love that battleship.
Me and L.J. It boggles my mind that this chunk of a baby is now a sophomore in college and is taller than me by a good 7 inches.



thats all for today kids. more of my embarrassing past will come soon, i'm sure

still thankful after thanksgiving. with photos!

so i didnt post what i was thankful for yesterday bc i 1)had another (and still do) migraine and even looking at the computer made me want to hurl. if these dont go away soon i'm going to worry i have a brain tumor. 2)was either eating, sleeping, or driving.

that said, brain explosion aside, it was a good day. today was very good too and i picked up the last few things on my shopping list. and everyone elses shopping lists since the men of this family are incompetent.

and waking up to snow! i gotta say, i stood outside in it for just a little bit and enjoyed it. sometimes i really do like snow.

so that said. mom downloaded a bunch of old photos and so i stole them. and since i use this space to embarrass myself on a regular basis, I thought i'd share some of the choice ones with you. apologies ahead of time for my BANGS.



Here you can see Michael and I were very emphatic Star Trek fans. This is in the old house with the god awful wallpaper. This wallpaper is the reason that there is NO WALLPAPER anywhere in this house. enough about the wallpaper. look how scrawny and ridiculous we were.


This is Laura and I being flower girls at my cousin karen's wedding. those are my great grandparents in the background. they'd always let us have coke out of the glass bottles which i thought was the coolest thing ever. i realize how tacky that dress is now but at the time i felt like a princess. i loved that dress.So this is that easter i was telling you about. not the right photo, but you get the idea. i LOVED easter hats. again, i felt super stylish princessy. also note that i make that same terrible smile when i'm not really wanting to smile now. at least now my teeth are a little straighter. and i dont have BANGS. also note michael's bitching sweater.


here's the last time the padre and i got along. (jk. the man owes me some money, i should stay on his good side.) yes. even on a boat, the BANGS DO NOT MOVE. also, dad's shirt is a mouse weight lifting a mouse trap that says 'no pain no gain' i remember thinking this was hilarious. but enough about the shirt, look at my BANGS.

Isn't my evil brother adorable in this photo. That Dick Tracy shirt was his main fashion accessory for the better part of a year. he loved the hell out of that shirt.


And here's the last christmas we were all together, which would have been 4 months before pappaw died. it was a good christmas. the BANGS were a little bit tamer. but i think that lime green vest made up for them.

more photos to come. just you wait.

much lovelove to all of you.

thankful thursday

this post comes to you from the mountain retreat that is home in b.county. the drive home was nice and my favorite moment is always when i step out of the car and see the explosion of the stars in the sky. i feel like my anxieties slow down a little bit when i'm here. but then again, sometimes they dont. so lets hope that they do, eh?

anyway. today, i am thankful for my evil dog.

no, i swear i'm not joking.

this dog and i have taught each other a great deal. she's driven me crazy. she's made me angry. she's caused me to run down my road in a bathrobe. but she's also been a very good companion. she doesnt judge me and she's always happy to see me. even if i dress her up like a mermaid. she's currently asleep on my feet, which is nice since my feet are always cold.

she keeps me entertained. and i am thankful for that.

thankful tuesday

today i'm thankful for the use of my hands. (just go with me here on this one.)

i was informed today, and not for the first time, that i probably wouldnt be able to tell a story if i had my hands tied together. and i admit, when i get talking about things i do get a little... expressive, haha. sometimes i think i am the only outwardly expressive member of my family, although i do very much still specialize in back stabbing and grudge holding.. but that's neither here nor there. i'm being thankful for my hands.

if i didnt have the use of my hands i wouldnt be able to make the things i love. i finished the first nursing home blanket this evening and i realize its small and insignificant in the grand scheme of things, but i'm very proud of it. i've already picked out this pretty burgundy yarn for the next one which i will start tomorrow AND the yarn for the one after that (navy and cream stripes). and even though i have rubbed my finger tips off with the yarn, i still feel really good for doing this. there is a knitting and crocheting group that meets here in town and i think i'm going to start attending.

if i didnt have the use of my hands i wouldnt be able to do my job. as much as i bitch about it, i do honestly enjoy what i do. i've learned a lot throught my job and i'm glad for it.

if i didnt have the use of my hands, i wouldnt ever be able to hold someones hand. and that is one of those little things that mean a lot to me.

theres a bajillion other things that i'd miss if i didnt have the use of my hands (being able to wipe my own ass, HELLO) and i'm very glad that i have these appendages as part of my life.

especially when i flip you off because i love you.

much lovelove from me to you.

I was thankful monday, but i was without a computer.

So here is a make-up post for monday, bc this is what i would have written.

This one may seem far fetched, but I am thankful for british television. I love love love older shows on the BBC and have since I was little and would stay at Grandma Ruth's house (who is not my grandma but I would claim her in a heartbeat, but thats a story for another day.)

The reasoning goes like this. I was in a bad mood because thanksgiving has been officially hit by the hiroshima bomb, and it quite possibly has taken out christmas too. i dont feel like i should discuss the details here, but it is safe to say i come from a long like of stubborn assholes who hold grudges and always think things are their way or no way (sounds familiar, doesnt it?)

ANYWAY. insert stormcloud over my head and you'll have my evening. but dave promised to fix my computer if i took it over and brought him dinner, which i did. he then proceeded to have me watch a british sitcom that was from the 70s-80s, Are You Being Served? and i laughed til i cried. I think british shows are so much better than our fart joke american shows. the black dry humor, well i get it. Black Books, Blackadder, Green Wing, A Bit of Fry and Laurie, Father Ted, Little Britain, the Office (the real Office!!!), of course Monty Python, i could keep going.

I guess really I should be thankful for Grandma Ruth for introducing me to these shows and instilling my slightly off-kilter sense of humor. I'm thankful for my grandma who isnt my grandma for a lot of reasons.

This post made no sense. But it was very good to end my day in laughter.

updated wishes

i thought of another wish for my list. this one is completely silly. but after hearing 99 Red Balloons on the radio this morning and having it stuck in my head ALL DAY i would really like to do that- release 99 red balloons. i know its supposed to be a protest song and all, i'm not protesting anything. and i'd want friends to be a part of this and i'd like ppl to attach wishes or whatever to the balloons so that if someone sees them maybe good things will happen.

i think that would be awesome.

i am not sad

Everything is Illuminated is one of those books that I pick up something new from each time I read it. I like this quote:

"He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right, or nothing was right for him, and by the desire to be alone. By evening he was fulfilled: alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in his aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness. I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over, I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others--the only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad. I am not sad. I am not sad. Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room. He would fall asleep with his heart at the foot of his bed, like some domesticated animal that was no part of him at all. And each morning he would wake with it again in the cupboard of his rib cage, having become a little heavier, a little weaker, but still pumping. And by the midafternoon he was again overcome with the desire to be somewhere else, someone else, someone else somewhere else. I am not sad."


i'm half tempted to get that tattooed. i wish i wasnt a coward when it comes to tattoos. i would get that, 'i am infinite' (from Perks of Being a Wallflower) and 'going' (from Going). but maybe its a good thing i'm a chicken. bc if not then i'd be a human book of quotations that are important to me.

just thinkin.

thankful sunday

today i'm thankful for creative outlets. i think if i couldnt make things that i would be a lot more frustrated than i am now. i like making... things. anything. and i like making them most of all when i can give them away.

i had to get a glue gun today so i could finish my christmas wreath for the front door (which turned out pretty ok if i say so myself.. if you get past the whole i burnt my finger off bc i picked up the wrong end of the glue gun when i wasnt paying attention. woops.) and in wandering around the craft store i picked up more yarn for my nursing home projects and a canvas and some paint. painting is the one thing that no matter how hard i try i suck at. and i still suck at. but i enjoyed making a mess of a canvas and even if a 3rd grader could have made something better, i finally finished that goal of a piece of self representative art. hope for my wishes. something positive in my normal grinch-like demeanor. it's ugly. but it makes me feel very good.

so i made a wreath, a painting, and i'm nearly done with my first nursing home lapblanket. and i'm going to call this week to Zenclay about taking a pottery class sometime after christmas. thats on my wish list, and i want to start making those happen.

i've had this song stuck in my head all day. i love this song and i love louis armstrong. it's little things like this that i need to remember.

much love from me to you.

thankful saturday

i've been in a funk all day, with a migraine to boot, so i havent been feeling especially thankful, and didnt want to write today.
which is all the more why i should.

i'm thankful that i have the basic necessities and more. i'm able to be warm in my own bed at night, i have plenty of food to eat, i have clothes on my back, and i'm able to give to charities of my choice bc i have some left over. and these are things that i look over too often. and i need to appreciate it more. and i need to do more for others.


while laying around and moping today i read a cheesy romance novel about how this group of women made a list of twenty wishes for their lives. of course all their wishes came true, as they should in any good storyline. and even though i dont live in a work of fiction (anymore, anyway) i thought i'd make a list. so far i only have 18 wishes. some are silly and some are very important and some are big hopes for my life. and even though it's embarrassing i am going to put them here, put them out in the universe, and maybe some of them will come true.


1. to find real, true love with a compassionate, honest, loving, intelligent, fun man.

2. to find a snowglobe that means something special.

3. to get a tattoo

4. to bring joy to a child

5. to stand atop a mountain and give thanks or a beautiful day.

6. to visit the highlands of Scotland

7. to take a pottery class

8. to take a hot air balloon ride

9. to smile more often at strangers

10. to dance on the beach at sunset with someone i love

11. to have a better relationship with God and learn more about my religion.

12. to plant a flower and herb garden.

13. to buy an early edition of The Secret Garden

14. to see an old black and white movie at a drive-in theatre

15. to see the National Symphony Orchestra

16. to knit a pair of socks for someone i love

17. to ride on a train

18. go somewhere where i can really see the full spectacularnessness of the Northern Lights.

19. (updated 11.23.09) release 99 red balloons with wishes attached with my friends and family.

thankful friday

today i'm thankful that i have friends i can cook! we had early thanksgiving dinner tonight. and it was so delicious and i am stuffed. i am glad i have these people in my life to feed me and make me laugh.

i feel like something is missing though. and its going to take awhile for me to shake that. holidays especially. you imagine how things will be and then when they arent... well. it's just something i'm going to have to deal with. at least this way i cant be let down i guess.

lovelove.

thankful thursday

today i'm thankful for the children's miracle network.

if you're a local, you've been hearing the telethon on the radio. the children's hospital does so much to help their patients and families. the stories are heartbreaking and wonderful. one last night was so powerful that i immediately pulled my car over in the applebees parking lot and called in a donation. i know and care about many little children and it makes me feel better knowing that i've helped them (hypothetically) and other wonderful little kids like them. kids, old people, and puppies. those are my weaknesses. but when you consider its less than a dollar a day to help these people out, how can you say no?


so i only worked half a day today bc i have a wicked migraine. i still feel like crap. i want to feel good. i need to feel good.

i have another interview tomorrow. send good thoughts so that i can figure out what i need to be doing with my life. bc i flat out have no idea.

i'm going to go watch the last night of the WWII in HD. it's been a really good thing to watch and i recommend it to anyone.

much love to everyone

thankful wednesday

today i am thankful for dave ryan. for he is, as we speak, bringing mylaptop back to life. it gave me the finger and there was no rescuing it. it had to be wiped clean. this made me sad at first, there were things i thought i wanted to keep on there that i would miss. but mostly, it was just conversations with someone that is no longer in my life. and frankly, its probably a good thing to wipe these last 4 months out of my life. start over.

but yes. it has been a good evening hanging out at teh offices of teh DA. i've always wondered what it feels like to be a reporter. mostly, you'd be having dave yell at you and tell you you're fired. but i think that would be much more entertaining than my current job situation.

no, thats a lie. my current job situation just got even more entertainign today. for now we will say, i definitely have a job. i just have to pick between 2 places, and possibly a third. and i have to pick in the next week.

this is intimidating. but i feel better about things.

but back to dave, bc he's staring over my shoulder saying WHAT ARE YOU WRITING ABOUT ME (he says he wasnt shouting. but his accent makes it louder.) but seriously. dave is good people even if he is a foreigner. for realz.

just a grumbly post

i've been working very hard to be cheery and thankful. and i think it has been good for me because its helping me through all this.

let me break it down to you. the person who i refer to in here often, who lied to me often, told me he loved me often, told me to try for him and not give up... well, that person has been married since july 20, 2007. and conveniently forgot to tell me. and says it is bc he loved me and wanted to be with me and hoped it would work itself out. only it didnt. and i'm the one left standing looking like a fool. married! for over two years. i know i'd said my life was a lie before, but now, i dont think there is even a word for it.

so yes. i'm working really hard to wrap my brain around all this. trying not to get upset or sink into a pit of hatred. bc that serves no purpose to me.

a job i applied for in virginia wants to do an interview with me now after having received an editing test. is this the step i need to take in my life? i've so long expected one thing that now i have no idea what to do. i thought if i tried hard enough that things would work out as i assumed they should. now all i'm left with is egg on my face. so we'll see.

while this isnt my thankful post, that will come later, i am thankful that i have this place to vent, and that i have people who care about me. its going to be a very long trip back to normal. or as close to normal as i've ever been. and i'm not going to lie, it scares me. so i could really use some of your good thoughts.

thankful tuesday

today i'm thankful that i've been able to become a little more self reliant these past few years. i used to be afraid of just about everything. but living alone changes things. you either suck it up and deal with it or you dont live alone.

at first i hated living alone because it was so quiet and i had no one to talk to. but now i appreciate the quiet time with myself, being about to sit and crochet or read in the tub until my fingers are pruney and just be at peace. i think after having to rely on yourself for awhile, you appreciate more when you have others around. but for now i have to pay all my own bills, i have to take the dog out, i have to do everything that an adult should do. and this seems like such a little and insignificant thing. but it really isnt. i just put up all my christmas lights by myself, which is no easy task. in the beginning i grumbled to myself that it would be damn nice if i had someone there to help me untangle the garland and lights. but the more i worked the more i enjoyed it and when i finished i was very proud of myself. i'll try to get someone to take a photo so you all can see it. its not the best or prettiest job, but its all done by me and its fitting. complete with bloodshed (i want to know HOW someone can cut themselves on cardboard packaging. bc i surely did.)

i think i needed these couple of years of living alone to get me ready for the potential to move. i've been told i still have a position at my current location, which is handy. but i do think i will continue to look. i applied to a couple positions with the american cancer society, which the more i think about it, something like that would be a dream job. i'd take a major salary cut, but then i'd actually get to help other people, and when you ahve the weltschmertz as badly as i do, being able to help another person... well its like breathing again.

the nursing home blanket i'm working on is about this big (imagine me holding my hands out and trying to guestimate about 2 ft by 2ftish). it's coming along quickly at the price of my finger prints, which are quickly rubbing off again in the passing yarn. oh well.

i really have enjoyed the few minutes in the evenings i've been taking to write these thankful posts. when every thing else gets all topsy turvy in my life, this is something that helps ground me again. for at least a minute.

also be on the lookout. i'm getting ready to make my family christmas calendar again, which means more terrifying photos of me when i was a babyyyyy. there is one i want mom to find of me in my easter dress and hat with our cat Fred. basically, picture ridiculous hat, ridiculous coke bottle glasses, a crooked smile, and a very disgruntled feline. welcome to my childhood.

thankful monday

several topics to tie together today, but they all boil down to the fact that i'm glad my mom raised me to know that its ok to be a nerd.

on the history channel this week there is a WWII special, with previously unseen footage thats been fixed to be in color (which i'm also thankful that we have documentation of these events and the means to preserve them). i've only watched the first night but holy cow its awesome. and as i was telling someone how amazingly cool it was, in a morbid way, they were surprised that i was a 'history channel nerd.'

now. i've always been a nerd. part of me at times wished mom had put me in pagents and garbage like that for the sole purpose of maybe not having such a debilitating fear of people. but that said, i'm glad they stuck books in my hands instead of makeup. i'm glad they gave me army men with my barbies and let me play battle tactic and doll school. i'm glad they let my older cousins let me play with firecrackers and blow up said army men and barbies. i'm glad when i wanted a wood burning kit and burnt my hand they didnt let me try ridiculous things after that. i'm glad they let me do ridiculous science experiments instead of sitting me infront of a tv (one time i made a 'potion' at my grandmothers house that i poured in the grass and it hasnt grown right there since. woops.) i'm glad they woke me up to go watch meteor showers (tonight, btw. its kinda cloudy otu right now which angers me). i'm glad they let me pick all the Queen Anne's Lace out of the field and dye it blue and red with food coloring. and i'm so glad they fed me history. i can remember watching Gettysburg in 3rd grade thinking it was the most amazing thing i'd ever seen and demanded we go visit there immediately. we camped out for a week and it is one of my favorite memories. or that they'd take me to the USS NC when we'd go to the beach and let me play all over the ship and the museum. its still one of the neatest things i love showing to people, though i've yet to meet anyone who thinks its as awesome as i do. or the fact that we research our ancestors so i know exactly what i come from (a long line of stubborn, sarcastic assholes. who would have thought?) i'm glad i appreciate reading as a sense of entertainment and learning. i'm glad i appreciate the smell of old books.

sometimes i've been overwhelmed by all this and have felt like i wasnt measuring up to the standards expected of me. but i think had i not been given the opportunities i was, and also learned to argue effectively, then i wouldnt be who i am today. and i still doubt myself all the time, but i know theres no one just like me out there and that its ok if i'm not the best at everything. bc i'm the best me i can be. and thats hard to maintain a positive attitude about some times, but i'm working on it.

i guess i'm just saying i'm thankful for the opportunities i've had and that i've never been afraid to let my freak flag fly.

now if you excuse me i'm going to go purchase some christmas lights and get home in time to watch part two of WWII in HD.

lovelove to all.

check off one of my goals

as of 3 minutes ago, i completed one of my 101 goals- paying off my credit cards. i wanted to do this by july, and that didnt happen thanks to a dead air conditioner and dr appts, but i finally, after some creative money saving, paid off everything. i'm officially broke. but i'm completely ok with that bc at least i paid off the credit that was beginning to overwhelm me. being able to buy things on credit is an evil and delicious experience. one that i've significantly cut back on, which is a very good thing. i'm embarrassed at the dollar amounts i just signed over to the respective card companies.

i'm also glad that i'm nearly done with my christmas shopping. i only have 3 gifts left to purchase. they will not be going on a credit card. i even already have all the wrapping paper and bows, and i think i will do that tonight. yes. i realize that makes me super lame that its barely mid november and i'm already doing this, but its one of the few things that makes me feel good about the holidays. if its nice next weekend i'm going to try to put up lights.

the last 2 mondays have been hard on me. i'm hoping this one will be ok.

dont forget tonight is the meteor shower AND (and i'll write more on this later) day two of WWII in HD on teh history channel. last nights part one was amazing. it comes on at 9 and you should watch it.

thankful sunday

if i could give you one thing, i would give you the mountains.

i went up to coopers rock today, and i am thankful that i have grown up in a place where i have beautiful mountains and trees and bright fall leaves. i do want to live in the city for awhile, but the mountains are mine and will always be me. i have so many good memories up at coopers rock for one, but outdoors in general, that each time experiencing it its like a picture show of my life in my head. it does make me a little sad at times, but if anything being in nature just reminds me that new things are revealed with each new season and if i'm just patient enough i can find the beauty in each new change.

really trying to be a positive thinker. i've been a little old lady since the day i was born and its time i start remembering more to stop and smell the roses.

i started working on the lapblankets for the people at the nursing home again. it was something i wanted to do before, but now that my great great aunt is there and i've visited her and her friends, when they remember me anyway, now its personal and i want to do something nice for them. lots of bright colors and good thoughts.

there's got to be something good in each day, in each person, in each event. and i'm really trying hard to find it.

thankful saturday

today i am thankful for my momma. not that i'm not thankful for her everyday, but, i thought i'd mention it today. and even though i dont fill her in on my life very often, if ever really, i know she loves me anyway.

she came up last night partly to go to the craft fair today and partly bc i was getting the homestead worked on. i got a new screen door! and it has glass! and it closes on the correct side! i know its super lame to get excited over a door, but i am. and we got all my winter windows put back in, so i wont be completely freezing to death this winter, only slightly frozen. and it was just nice to hang out with her. she doesnt ask questions when i'm brooding, which i both like and dislike. but she knows eventually i'll explode and tell her everything. and she'll tell me frankly to stop being an idiot, and i'll feel mostly better. so yeah. i'm thankful for momma.

i'm also kind of blue today. i woke up sad. but i wrote about that in the other blog so you don thave to hear it. but it didnt help this afternoon when mom told me both she and dad were working on christmas this year. its usually one or the other, but hasnt been both as long as i can remember. and i know i'm 26 and shouldnt be upset about that. but as lonely as i get at the holidays, this isnt going to help. anyone want to adopt me on christmas?? :(


the craft fair was nice. i got mammaw a christmas gift. and i got myself some earrings and a matching necklace made out of stained glass from a church that was torn down. and i felt good about that, in a strange way.

some evenings like this, i wish i had someone here with me. to just curl up in my pajamas and play board games or watch a movie. i'm starting to think all the 'normal' things i want in my life are not humanly possible for me.

thankful

today's thanksgiving thankful countdown is for the many advances in medicine and the professionals who help us get better.

my aunt had her surgery today and she came out of it well. the cancer they had thought had moved to her lymph nodes turned up negative in the initial testing. she did so well in the surgery and reconstruction that she might get to come home tomorrow.

we've all established that i am terrified of cancer. it is like the russian roulette of my gene pool, i'm going to get one, but which one i get is the bullet in the chamber. and i feel a lot better at the treatments and options that there are now and that there will be in the future. being able to see people my age have stage 4 lymphoma and come out of it gives me hope. which, if those of you didnt know, lukas is doing amazingly well with chemo and half the nodes are gone already.

i'm going to continue to support cancer research in any way i can for as long as i can and then i'll donate my guts to it. and i'm glad and thankful for the people who are strong enough to see it through to the other side. those people are my heros.

reminder

today is To Write Love on Her Arms day. i did it, and i'd show you if i had a camera. even if you dont write on yourself, take a moment to send good thought into the universe for those who feel they are worthless and unloved. because they're not. and they deserve to give themselves a second chance.

also, a heads up, but monday is another leonid meteor shower. so bundle up and go watch. it should be a very good one.

lovelove

thankful, day 3

this will tie back to day 1, but i am thankful for the people in my life who are honest with me. honesty is a virtue we take for granted in this society. and i know i preach it a lot, because frankly there was a large portion of dishonesty clouding my life for a very long time, as you have followed in this blog. but as of today, that is done. or at least, reallllly hope it is this time, because it's travelled from the land of ridiculous to nonsense in a few short emails. i have spent too much of my life trying to help someone who doesn't want helped and ignoring those around me who were honest and knew what was going on. once i get my blinders on, i do whatever i can to try and help. but some people dont want it, dont deserve it, dont understand it. for a moment today i questioned whether or not i had been in the wrong in a specific situation. but these people whom i've never doubted told me the truth. always the truth. and for once i'm really listening and paying attention. these honest people are my friends, and i'm so glad i have them in my life.

i'm also thankful that we have the ability to make changes in our life. i've spent too long feeling angry, worthless, guilty, and unhelpful. and i'm changing that today. i was on a good path in the spring, but fell off that path in mid-summer. but i'm goign to find my way back to it and continue to find the better me that I am supposed to be. i would like you all to think good thoughts for me, to help me see what exactly i need to be doing and where i need to be. the questionable nature of my work situation could very well be a blessing in disguise.

for the first time in a long time, i feel like i can finally see things for what they are and not what i wanted them to be. i can take responsibility for my fair share of the actions, but i'm not to blame. and i will never let anyone make me out to be the bad guy, especially when honesty is the main problem in the situation.

actually, my day got even better just as i was typing this. i must have a secure job because they just gave me another substantial raise, and they are doing it retroactively from my hire date anniversary (august) so i should be getting an extra banging paycheck in the mail soon. this takes care of quite a few of my worries, number one being those pesky doctor bills i had acquired that luckily i wont be going every three months for.

i think for the first time in nearly 3 years i'm heading my life in the right direction.

thankful

today for my countdown to thanksgiving, i am thankful for our servicemen and women, past and present.

i dont always necessarily agree with our military, but i do appreciate what they do for us, have done for us, will do for us. i've always been interested in military history, and i could spend days in the aerospace museum. actually, side note to self, i really want to go to an airshow this year. but i'm very glad we have people who are willing to do what they do.


here's a video of puppies and kids getting homecomings from their owner/parents who've been overseas on tour. it made me cry. but really, everything makes me cry lately. but the last video with the kids, that made me sob. those moments are why i'm glad there are good people in this world, and we need more of them.


in other news i dyed my hair red again. i dont know why its my go-to color. its about the most exciting thing i did on my day off. mostly i laid in bed with a headache. and a heartache.

i hope you all are well today. hug your veterans. hug your kids. hug your pets. hug anyone you have to hug and be thankful for them each and every day.

thankful

even though i'm in the dumps right now (whats new?) i saw a thing on facebook where every day you have to post something you are thankful for up until thanksgiving. and i think i need to do this, to remind myself that even when things seem like there is no hope, that there is.

today i am thankful for my friends. all of you have kept me from shattering into a million pieces so many times. have been understanding, loving, reprimanding, stern, honest, caring. you've watched me do terrible things to myself and yet you still stood by me. you've celebrated happy moments and hugged me in sad ones. and without you i dont know where i would be. those of you near and far, one i havent even met in person but who seriously is the inspiration for my hope of being a positive thinking person. i'm very thankful i get the honor of calling you friends. some have been here longer than others. some have made important impacts and then have gone. but you're all always in my heart and something i dont give thanks for enough.

J'adore l'amour Et je veux ton revenge

dear lady gaga. you are not the only person who can write a bad romance. i bet mine would be longer than yours. but never a best seller. no one would understand the point.


anyway. its a good video.

things and things

1. tso was great. i think you all should go. the end.

2. this music has been stuck in my head for a week. i dont know why.

3. i had a weird experience today. i could hear the kids at the daycare chattering and laughing in the wind like always. then a helicopter, i'm assuming from the hospital, flew overhead. right as it passed all the kids started screaming. and the only thing i could think of was, so this is what it's like in a warzone right before they drop the bomb. rachael says i'm the second most morbid person she knows.

4. shainna's premie baby cousins are finally home from the hospital. this is a good thing.

5. my aunt is having surgery this week. this scares me.

6. its so dreary out but i dont want to sit here in the house. so i'm going somewhere. dont know where yet.

7. cant end on even numbers...

home

home. its one of those places where your brain shouldnt hurt. but home gives me too much time to think.

which is why i've spent most of the night and daylight hours asleep.

i just think the world would be a better place if we lied less and loved more.

i keep screaming in my brain that i just need a sign of what i need to do. and either i dont get it or i'm too blind/stubborn to see it.

i read a conversation i had a few months ago, and see how incredibly stupid i've been. not just now, but for a long time. i dont understand the point of a lot of this. everyone always says you have bad/sad/upsetting/whatever instances in your life to learn from so you can grow. well i dont feel any taller.

and i feel bad because the people in my life who were willing to tell me the truth were the ones i ignored. i'm so stubborn and i want to be right. i want to fix everything for everyone. i want everyone to be happy, but i'm selfish and want that happy to align with my happy.

blugh.

anger

i've made it to the anger stage in this. thats not saying i dont still care, its just more that i refuse to take the blame for this situation. my actions did not put me in this mess. this mess was a mess long before monday. and it feels good to be angry, for the only reason that it feels good to feel anything right now.

thats not to say i'm nto still upset. but people have to make choices in their life and then they have to deal with the consequences. and by not making choices, you're still making a choice. and you cant hide from it in a video game or a book or some other material thing.

i have been applying for lots of jobs. none of them here. i'm hoping one of them is for me.


also, in an unrelated topic, i very much like lady gaga's music and videos. she is just batshit crazy enough for me. but not too batshit crazy, because i dont know how much more i can handle in my life right now.

good news and bad news

good news kids. i fully went in prepared to punch my doctor in the face for futher ruining my day, but instead! she told me that i'm all better. i'm not going to lie, i cried. this was the first time i let myself cry in that office in the nearly 3 years i've been going there every 3 months. it was like christmas when she told me i didnt have to see her again for a whole year. a whole year.... not every 3 months going and getting cut and burnt and chopped and poked, but a whole year, and then just for a look-see. and she told me i lost weight to boot. that was just a bonus. there may be some issues related more to the procedures down the line, but for right now, i just want to feel good about this for a minute.

however.

because i can never just get great news and have a great day, she found a few more moles that she is 'concerned' with. concerned to the point that she gave me a list of derms and demanded i call them immediately. who knew a body scan was a hot commodity right now, bc the earliest appointment i've found is Jan. 19th. part of me likes having 2 months of being healthy, but the other part of me is officially more terrified than i was before and wants to go and find an earlier appointment and get that over with so i can start doing whatever i have to do about that.

but i needed that one thing to go right today. everything else in my life is a mess, but at least now i have that over with and i, in theory, dont have to worry about it again. now i just have everything else to worry about...

lovelove

dear blog.

if there was a computer function that would just make the screen cry, thats what this post would be.

dont worry, i left all the words in my other one.

the worst feeling on earth is knowing you contributed to ruining someones life.

to write love on her arms. and mean it.

i'm fairly certain i've been more scared in the last 24 hrs than i have ever been in my life.

i was worried for the life of one of the most important people in my life.

and you dont realize exactly how much you love people until a situation like this.

i cant help them. in fact, i'm pretty sure i do more harm than good. i've let down and been let down. i've fought for and against. and the hardest thing to do is knowing that the only way to show you care about someone is to leave them alone because you make their life worse.

and i came across this group on facebook. i feel like i've mentioned it before. To Write Love On Her Arms. The bio about the event says this, and you should read it all:

To Write Love On Her Arms Day is a day where anyone can write the words love on their arms, to support those who are fighting against depression and those who are trying to recovering.

The vision is that we actually believe these things…

You were created to love and be loved. You were meant to live life in relationship with other people, to know and be known. You need to know that your story is important and that you're part of a bigger story. You need to know that your life matters.

We live in a difficult world, a broken world. My friend Byron is very smart - he says that life is hard for most people most of the time. We believe that everyone can relate to pain, that all of us live with questions, and all of us get stuck in moments. You need to know that you're not alone in the places you feel stuck.

We all wake to the human condition. We wake to mystery and beauty but also to tragedy and loss. Millions of people live with problems of pain. Millions of homes are filled with questions – moments and seasons and cycles that come as thieves and aim to stay. We know that pain is very real. It is our privilege to suggest that hope is real, and that help is real.

You need to know that rescue is possible, that freedom is possible, that God is still in the business of redemption. We're seeing it happen. We're seeing lives change as people get the help they need. People sitting across from a counselor for the first time. People stepping into treatment. In desperate moments, people calling a suicide hotline. We know that the first step to recovery is the hardest to take. We want to say here that it's worth it, that your life is worth fighting for, that it's possible to change.

Beyond treatment, we believe that community is essential, that people need other people, that we were never meant to do life alone.

The vision is that community and hope and help would replace secrets and silence.

The vision is people putting down guns and blades and bottles.

The vision is that we can reduce the suicide rate in America and around the world.

The vision is that we would learn what it means to love our friends, and that we would love ourselves enough to get the help we need.

The vision is better endings. The vision is the restoration of broken families and broken relationships. The vision is people finding life, finding freedom, finding love. The vision is graduation, a Super Bowl, a wedding, a child, a sunrise. The vision is people becoming incredible parents, people breaking cycles, making change.

The vision is the possibility that your best days are ahead.

The vision is the possibility that we're more loved than we'll ever know.

The vision is hope, and hope is real.

You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story.

***

This is very important to me, now more than ever. On Nov. 13th i'll write 'love' on my arms. it'll mean 1837 more things than it ever has before.

lovelove.

Working Title (pun intended)

well kids. i'm home from my magical mystery tour. and i'm just going to use a numbered list to describe it. kthanxbye.

1. i love DC. i love it so much. its been so long since i've gotten to spend any time there. but now i think i'm old enough to see it for what it is. i love the energy and architecture. granted i mostly only got to see things early in the morning and late at night, but still. i love all the old buildings and the wrought iron and the trees. i'm so glad for all the ppl in that city, there are still beautiful trees. i hate the traffic. i sorta got the streets figured out but i'm so directionally challenged. i love the metro. i want to move to the suburbs and work in the city. i've been looking seriously at jobs.

2. the hotel was quite nice. we had issues getting the internet to work, but whatever. i had an amazing view as my room was a corner and had windows on an angle. my bed was the most magical thing i've ever slept upon. and the breakfast each morning was amazing x12

3. the meetings were ridiculous. we definitely worked 10-12 hr days all week, including the work we had to do in the evenings after the meetings. it was a pain in the ass to get in and out of the building on top of everything, since we basically needed to be stripsearched. also, i found it interesting that the Energy department has shitty old energy-inefficient buildings.

4. we ate amazingly on this trip. the best thai i'd ever had. maryland crab in annapolis (more on this later), the craziest food at this tapas place that included goat and grasshopper (yes, i did just say grasshopper) tacos and lamb drenched in chocolate chili cheese sauce.

5. with some of my overtime money i bought the greatest pair of boots on the planet. they are comfortable and make me feel pretty, two things that dont normally go together when discussing footwear.

6. driving past the capitol and the monuments, etc on your way to work is a great feeling. especially early in the morning before most of the city is awake.

7. we didnt have time really to do any touristy stuff. we were going to try and go to the Nat'l Portrait gallery on friday, but it was closed. just like how when i was little and all i wanted to see was the ruby slippers from wizard of Oz and i dragged my family to the american history museum to see them and they werent there bc they were out on loan to some other museum. i'm still bitter about that and really want to see those damn shoes. but no. no touresty stuff this time. but thats ok really. we spent enough time in a car and lost that i got to see the outside of a lot of places. and sometimesi think i like the outside of the buildings just as much.

8. we met up with some friends in the evenings up there and had a good time. i played skeeball and shuffleboard in a bar, and if that just doesnt scream happiness then i dont know what does. i got drunk that night and did some things i wish i hadnt, but i did and cant take it back. one of those includes getting cut with a shard of glass and bleeding all over the place. not pleased.

9. i really wanted the trip to make me so busy i couldnt think of the shit going on in my life here, but that didnt happen. just like it didnt happen when i went to the beach. each day i wake up and think that this time it really cant get any worse. and then it does. i think i'd rather get beat up by a stranger than this. on the other side of the scales, bert has been incredibly nice to me all week and i dont know what to think about that. it was a week of complete polar opposites and it makes my head explode.

10. non-trip related but Post Secret is good this week. i particularly liked the one of the North Star.

11. we stopped in annapolis for a night on the way home to see a friend. i love annapolis as much if not more than DC. everything about it is ideal. and the shoping is great. the bars however are either crazy drunken cadets or cougars on the prow. you'd think those two would combine. it was very nice to see all those young men in uniform. it was a very nice stop over, though, with more amazing food in my life. and we went to this fantastic jewelry store and i bought these 4 bracelets that have the mark twain quote (a bastardized version anyway) on each of them. i think i'll probably just always wear Love Like You've Never Been Hurt and Live Today Like it's Your Last. and i also picked up this necklace, that was inspired by an Einstein quote about a view from a star (Imagination is everything. It is the preview of lifes coming attractions) and to me it looks like the north star. so i like that. call me uselessly sentimental.

12. yesterday was so dreary and i was just so exhausted that i didnt go out for halloween. i had to much on my mind and was just so punchdrunk that i couldnt handle being around drunk and jovial people. i needed to crawl back into my cave and be a hermit for a little bit. today i guess i need to sort out everything and get back to real life. i've got a long week ahead of me including my favorite pasttime of going to the doctor. at least the end of the week i get to see the transsiberian orchestra in charleston. though i need to dump a ticket off if anyone knows of someone who'd like to go. i bought one that i now dont need. oh well. those are the breaks.

13. i'm glad the time changed today and i got to sleep in. getting up at 5 everyday is not for this kid. i want to stay in bed all day today, but for all the wrong reasons.

14. i may have offended a greenpeace representative on friday. we were hungry and cranky and just wanted to get our lunch when he occosted us to try and get us to give money. i like to think i do my share for the environment as it is so we all told him no thank you and that we were late for lunch. this did not deter the man and he told us that this was a global issue and that polar bear were so hungry they were eating there own young. at this point that tiny switch in my brain that i try to stear clear of switched off and i straightfaced told the man that i was so hungry right now that if he didnt shut up i would probably eat MY own young. and then walked off. apparently he was shocked. oh well.

15. i realized i have a lot of irrational OCD tendencies that i'm not as aware of since i live alone. but spending a week with a friend, all that comes out. i still had my own room and all, but we were working or hanging out 20 hours a day. (yes, that means i only got approx four hours of sleep a night. you see why princess is so cranky.) i dont like walking thru doors first of places i'm not familiar with. i dont like walking to the left of someone. i have to check to make sure i have everything (room key, metro card, ect) at least 5 times before i can leave. i have to leave at least 1 light on when i leave because someone could be waiting to kill me in the dark. even in a kingsized bed i still sleep on one size. i have to crumble crackers while thy are still in the package before i open it sothat i dont have to touch cracker crumbs. (yes. i am nutso). all in all, while it was a good time, i am glad to be home. i just want everything else thats going on to resolve itself so i can go on with things.

lovelove