so last night when i was getting ready for bed, i received a barrage of text messages accusing me of being all sorts of a terrible person. i'll give you three guesses who it was from. he reads this blog, which i assumed he still did. and instead of taking the time to read what i was actually saying, he formed an assumption, which was so far off base it's in another galaxy, and then proceeded to try to make me feel like shit. no two ways about it, that was the entire point. now. we've had this argument before. pretty much since the day we started dating, on whether or not he can trust me. for those of you who know me, you know that is the stupidest thing ever said. but its my fault for x,y,and z, and horrible person etc etc. and i just lost it. i defended myself to no end. but then i realized there is no point in bothering, bc the point wasnt to say i did something here. we both know i didnt do anything. the point was he felt shitty and wanted someone else to also feel shitty.

so i do what i always do and try to HELP. bc if you're crying that loudly for help (figuratively) then i'm going to do my best to help you. but i'm sure those of you who have followed this for oh, a day, know that was a waste of time. there is absolutely nothing i can do. and i hate that. and it'd hard to accept. but i just cant. i tried. i listened to reasons things are my fault. excuses for why he did/didnt do things. and what it comes down to is that it just doesnt matter. he can hate me and blame me for everything all he wants, i just dont want to hear it anymore.

so i changed my phone plan and have finally blocked his number. its funny, bc if you get the parental controls option, you can block numbers, etc, and its only five dollars. if i knew before i could do this for only five bucks you all wouldnt have listened to me be upset for the past two weeks. hell, you'd prob pay the five dollars for me.

i care about him. i wont ever deny that. and i do wish i could help him. but its not my job to feel like shit bc he feels like shit. i have given him multiple opportunities to help himself. and it just doesnt matter. so. sometimes you just have to go to the extreme. taking care of myself is more important than trying to help him. and i forget that all too often. so thats all taken care of and i feel like a small weight is lifted off.

i have to make myself go run here in a bit, even though its supposed to start storming. but i've got plans tomorrow night and i want to get my hair cut first and prob wont be able to run tomorrow. i'm to the point in the program where things are getting reeeeeally hard. but. i gotta do it. so i'll just keep on keepin on.

no one can say i didnt care. everyone can say i was stupid for caring this long. and thats fine. you can say that. i'll try to be better.