i finally did the last thing i really needed to do, and deleted all the photos of zach from everything. phone. facebook. everything. the photo of my ring. the photo with his family. a photo with my family. the alligator pool. coopers rock. christmas. his bday. my bday. the day we got engaged.the bouquets i made. the pic of when i tried on my wedding dress. all gone. it was surprisingly cathartic. i know i can't erase him from the history of my life or the impact it has had on it thus far, but i can be proactive about where it goes from here.

he called me a bit ago to scream at me. that i ruin his life. etc etc. i dont know why i bothered to take the time to try to explain and reason and use logic with him. he is past that now. i am past that now. i'm tired of being blamed for someone elses shortcomings and their inability to accept it. you try to help someone, and you get cruelty in return. there is nothing going to change with him. so i wish him well, but enough.

this april i'm doing what should have happen last april, had i not been lied to and strung along. i'm thankful for the experience but i knkow that even alone i'm better off than being a punching bag. you may not see my bruises and scars, but they are there none the less. and i've encouraged others to leave abusive people for much less. it's time i take my own medicine.

i actually feel surprisingly good. i feel... clean. you know sometimes you give your best and if it fails its not bc you didnt try.

i want to be a part of good things. i want to bring happiness into the lives of others. and i can't do that if i'm feeling sorry for myself bc someone is constantly tearing me down. the phone is blocked again and i've made it clear that if he contacts further, then there will be legal action involved. i hope this time he stays gone. and if he doesnt and i fall for his particular like of bullshit again, i'm counting on you all to remind me, once again, how stupid i am. bc i fear it will happen again someday, that he'll pop up again. and i'll want to help him even though he doesnt deserve. i am glad that he doesn't have any friends left here and that he has no reason to step foot in this town.

i've been stuck in an oubliette of mind for far too long.

my rescheduled dinner date is tonight, and i'm actually really excited for it. i'm even getting picked up and dont have to drive. and for those of you who know me, know thats pretty much the highlight of any adventure, not having to drive. even though i think it's just a dinner with a friend, everyone else thinks its a date. maybe it is, i dont know. i'm ok with it being either. it's the small steps that get you the farthest. it's something i have to remind myself. maybe i overreacted a little bit lately, it's something i'm very good at doing. but. i'm going to be ok. truly. i get sad sometimes and i genuinely have no idea where my life is going. but i dont think that this all happened for no reason. maybe i'll move or maybe i wont, i dont know. maybe i'll meet someone who i'll spend the rest of my life with and maybe i wont. but i'm not goin to give up hope like i said yesterday. bc if you give up hope then you have nothing to live for. and there are too many things i havent seen yet to not have anything to live for.

i'll always pray for zach and hope the best for him. he's got a very long way to go until he's happy with himself. but i think even he can do it if he's willing to put the work in. so thats what i hope for him.

as for now? me and poochie are going to watch a movie and pack for travel for worth this week and get prettied up for my dinner this evening. much love to everyone out there. thank you for bearing with me through my ups and downs. i mean well in all of them, and sometimes good intentions are all youve got.