i've gotten several angry, well, maybe not angry but 'what the hell are you thinking' phone calls, texts, etc. and all i can say is, i know, ok? i know it is stupid. i know all the things that happened before. and i know it's illogical to think things would change. but i think there is something that i'll always believe in and that is that everyone deep down is a good person and that they just need loved and to be brave. but i also know that not everyone approaches things the way i do, the way amanda does as she's hurting right now. things like honesty and trust and trying to help people when they need it and accepting help when you need it.

so yeah, i know it was stupid to think that things would change with zach. and if i'm being realistic i guess i dont even know if anything he said is honest or just wanting to mess with me. i know sad eyes when i see them, but that doesnt mean i can fix them.

but you still hope for the best, and continue to get the shit beat out of your heart. and thats not how things should work. i can look at someone else who is going through something similar but not nearly as serious, and i can see the hurt and i dont want them to ever deal with that again. i dont want them to hurt or give the scumbag a chance again. and these are the things i've heard.

i understand that people do stupid things sometimes when they are depressed. believe me. i do know that. and i can forgive that. thats why i do forgive zach. forgive, accept his apology, but dont forget. hope, but dont forget.

and then i feel like fifty shades of shit because joel is so nice to me. he randomly stopped by this morning (i guess he was still in town) and brought me breakfast bc he felt like i was sad. which i was. and then he did my dishes for me even though i told him not to. but he knows me well enough to know i hate doing them, and just wanted to do something nice for me. you know, i dont evenknow how long it has been since someone has done something like that for me, just bc they wanted to do something nice. and it makes me feel sometimes like i wish i could even feel a twinge of something more than brotherly/sisterly friendship toward him. but it's true, as i see from both sides, that you can love someone dearly but you cant be what they need or want.

blurgh. lets talk about something else. i still havent written about rafting, have I? it was a weird experience. the rafting part was fun, very exhilarating. but. i had a bad experience with our guide. you can tell he thinks he's hot shit and that all the girlies love him. all the guides did. he sat me in the back of the raft with him which, fine whatever. but he got really inappropriate. yeah we all made a lot of 'thats what she said' type jokes, bc all rafting terms are pretty dirty.but he got really innapropriate, talking about having sex with all us girls. and then at one point i fell into the bottom of the boat and he leaned over me and pretended to hump me. and then dumped me in the river the first time and smacked me on teh ass when he pulled me back in. and then dumped me in teh water the second time and kept telling me he had ways to warm me up if need be. and i just got more and more uncomfortable, and i really thought i had made that clear that i wasnt cool with that stuff. i even asked rachael later if i'd flirted in anyway or gave that impression and she said absolutely not. but the thing that upset me the most is that when we were leaving i had already gotten in teh car, ready to go home and just be done with the day (little did i know how shitty it'd get once i got home)when he came up to the car, opened the door, grabbed my head, and stuck his tongue down my throat. i screamed. and not 'oh this is funny' screamed but screamed like you would when you are offeneded and scared and upset and disgusted. and before i could process what happened he slammed the door and walked off laughing. i told dbro to just drive and get the fuck out of there. but the more i thought about it the more violated i felt. so i emailed the company and told them what happened and that i didnt appreciate it and went on a warpath. you do not do that to people. i know if i had to i could take care of myself. but all i could think of was i wish zach was there bc he would have beat the living hell out of that dickbag. i came home and showered for a really really long time, bc i was freezing and bc i felt just dirty. i know i didnt 'ask for it' or even give the impression.

so yeah. that was my rafting experience. would i go again, definitely. but not with that company.

friday the 13th. yeah. it screwed me over bigtime. my heart hurts. but theres nothing i can do about that either other thank just work on getting back to where i was before. believing that things happen for a reason. that good things are going to happen and someone out there will love me the way i deserve to be loved. and that someone will feel that for amanda. and everyone else out there that hurts.