I watch too many movies where there is a surprise happy ending. I keep waiting for my surprise. I thought it was going to happen last night.

Is it still bad I'm hoping for tonight?

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got my hair cut and colored. It's still mostly long but with layers. I thought abt going lighter but apparently you don't do that in winter. But that's ok. I feel like I look alright with dark hair.




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this is a new favorite song

the pics and article about this cave system are completely breathtaking and i want to go to there.

i had a really nice thing happen to me today at work and it reminded me that there are really genuinely good people in this world.

i applied to volunteer at a local place but they said i cant since i have a full time job and they are only open during business hours. this really upset me bc i wanted to do something to help people. so i guess i'm back to square one on that front.

i used up my tape taping back together some stuff i'd written awhile back. i can be a pretty decent writer when i actually put some thought and heart into it. i dont know if any of my writing is worth anything to anyone but me, but i'm still glad i did it.

i wish that i could paint bc i feel like i could better express myself that way. but everytime i try it looks like a 4 year old drew something with her toes and ketchup.

i had a really awful dream last night that i dont remember what happened, only that it was awful.

this is the first evening in awhile that i really just wanted to come home and take a nap and not think about things, but i refused to let myself do that. so i cleaned. and i read. and i watched HIMYM which i actually really like.

i'm just talking about nonsense so i dont talk about the one thing that is so very much on my brain. blurgh

So i went and watched the new Sherlock Holmes movie this evening. If you've not seen it yet, do so. It was wonderful. Of course it bastardized every book, but it had the right... (drawing a blank for a word here. not taste. aura? general idea and feeling) of the style and theme and plot. if that even makes sense. at any rate, go see it.

when i was driving home and turned into my apartment complex, i had a moment though, and i've felt weird since. for a split second i saw someone who i graduated high school with but has passed away several years ago now. he and i weren't close, but he was a jolly sort who had a joke or something for everyone. i think drugs are finally what did him in. but in those few seconds i went from excited to see him to remembering he was dead. and thats quite a blow when you think about it. i feel like... like i'm not old enough for my classmates to be dying, but he wasnt the first and i know he wont be the last. it just put me in a really strange frame of mood now.

i received the prints from my first batch of shuttercal photos, which are from January. It seems so bizarre to look through them how very much has changed in the span of one year. if i'm being logical i wont say that i regret it bc i've learned something from everything, about me about others about my hopes/plans for the future, what have you. but it does make me a bit sad to look through them and know whats going to happen in the next couple of batches of prints. i genuinely did not have a clue.

i was talking to a friend today who has seen me through several winters now and knows how my moods fluctuate. and we both came to the determination that, all things considering, this has been my best winter in at least five years. i think its a combination of access to a window at work and therefore having as much natural light as possible, the right medication that works for me, a real exercise regiment, and a better understanding of what to look out for with regard to myself. had the things that have happened this year happened several years ago, i have no doubt in my mind i would have had to have been committed. but i think i'm stronger now, and much better prepared.

but. it's been a long day with too many deep thoughts sloshing through my brain. i thought writing in here would help, but it hasnt, not really. i think it's time i do some other kinds of writing. perhaps some letter writing.

at any rate. much love to you all.thank you for always standing by me, at my best worst and everywhere in between.

i need a new craft project.

i have a lot of thinking to do this week. i know already what i think, i guess i just have to think harder on it. come up with a plan. pros and cons, consequences and benefits. etc etc.

so when my brain hurts, i craft. only the only craft i have available to me right now is to finish crocheting. today anyway, i dont want to do that. i realize it would be good to work on it and think. poetic or something.

i dont knkow what to do with my life sometimes. cant i just quit my life and make crafts all the time?

christmas eve has just been strange. not bad, of course, but just very strange. my family are always a strange lot.

i did however get a "how to speak wookie" book with sound effect buttons in the gift exchange, so that was fun.

i was talking to my friend ranae earlier and she told me this was the first christmas eve she'd miss candlelight service at our home church, as she and her husband are now living in las vegas. i know that ranae found the service as special as i did, especially the part where one of the choir members sings Silent Night in german. So I video recorded it on my phone. you cant actually see much of anything except for a two second shot of my candle, but you can hear the singing. and it really made me feel good to bring that little piece of home to ranae this christmas. if you're readin this ranae, merry christmas from home and i hope to come visit you soon!

i'm trying to remember there are things bigger than me in this world and to be thankful for all the good things i have in my life.

merry christmas (eve) to all, and i love you and goodnight. :)

I managed to walk into a wall today. I wish I was lying. But the goose egg on my forehead kinda gives it away.

But I didn't cry. I wanted to cry. But I refused to cry.

My eyes might have watered just a bit.

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so i decided that feeling sorry for myself isnt goin to help anything. there are too many people out there who have real problems that i can help. for example, a family in Mon county lost everything in a housefire the other night. i've contacted the people at the local radio station that i talk to (harrass) on twitter to find out if there is any way to help them monetarily or with things. it's a family of seven and it just breaks my heart that there are kids out there who wont be having christmas this year, who dont have anything.

i want to get back into helping others in this new year. i'm not sure where i should help, as i'm mostly afraid of hospitals. but i have some friends who work with United Way fairly regularly, and they might be able to point me in the right direction. if any of you have any ideas, please let me know.

i'm sad yes. but i have hope. and sometimes hope is all youve got to work with.

in the mean time i am sitting on the couch with two rotten dogs, watching svu, and eating chicken nuggets. yes. it's an awesome day around here.

I'll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams.

I try so hard to do things for other people, even total strangers, for Christmas and all time to make their lives, their holidays, better. And I can't have the one and only thing I want for Christmas. The one thing I want every day.

I feel like there is something wrong with me. That I am undeserving.


All I want for Christmas is to work things out with Zach. There. I said it. Some of you probably think I'm dumb. But I love him. And I know if we tried we could have a good future.

But i guess we don't always get what we ask for.

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this is going to be my motto for the new year.

I can't sleep. It's three am, a time I don't normally see.

I'm trying to do the right things with my life. I dunno if I am but I at least am trying. That's a start, right?

I just can't spend all my time furious anymore. It does me no good. I waited to be shown something different but it never happened. So now im trying something new and scary. But maybe a clean slate is what I need. I genuinely don't know. But I'm going to find out.

No more excuses. No more lies. If people want to be in my life they will show me why they are worth it. I deserve to be fought for dammit. I deserve to feel special. I'm waiting to be impressed. If only people would take the hint and do something about it.

Side thought. Seeing photos of your exs spouse, in any situation, makes you sad and ill. It should be something I'm used to by now as it happens so often. But every time it's a punch in the gut. Especially when everyone looks happy in the photo.

It's almost a new year. I don't know what it will bring. All I can do is pray it'll be less heartache than this year. Hopefully I'll learn to trust again.

For now, I just want to sleep without the nightmares.


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food poisoning sucks. i thought i had it once before, but it has been nothing like this. this has lasted all weekend.

you know that scene in Dumb and Dumber? yeah, you know that scene. you will never look at me the same way now, will you.

i broke down and got mcdonalds this afternoon bc i wanted real food, not soup and toast and bananas and gatorade (so decreeth my mom as the cure for this illness). and my stomach has been talking angrily all day. why is it that when y ou get sick all you want is food that is bad for you? bc right now I want extra crispy KFC. what whaaat.

i dont know if it is just me but it doesnt feel christmasy and its 2 weeks away. maybe its bc it hasnt snowed much, which frankly i'm ok with, but this year nothing seems christmasy. i've finished all my crafting and i'm waiting for a few things yet to come in the mail for the brother bc obviously he wouldnt be interested in a crochet scarf. I'm really proud of myself that most of what i did this year is handmade.

i've got a lot of resolutions for the new year. frankly i'm not sorry to see this one come to an end. it's just been rough. and not even winter-depression rough. those i know i can get through. this year has just made me lose a lot of faith in humanity. or maybe trust. i dont know. this year has just made me really really tired. maybe odd number years arent good for me?

i am not going to pretend that i know what the next year has in store for me. maybe a move somewhere maybe not. things with the company are moving slower in DC than they told us so there may not even be a job there for me to consider for awhile. but at least i've put feelers out. i'm genuinely trying to better myself or at least put myself on some sort of good track so that hopefully good karma will come back to me. i have to believe that everything does happen for a reason and this year will have been a good learning experience.

(lesson one? dont trust the eel.)

who has two thumbs and food poisoning?

This girl.


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is it too much to ask in this life to be able to trust someone and not be lied to? Bc my ability to believe is shot.

I'm tired of being made a fool.


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I can't sleep bc I had another nightmare abt being back in college. In this one I had to live in the dorms again too. Shudder.

Since I can't sleep I took the time to update my daily photo Shuttercal calendar. As its nearly the end of the year, it's interesting to see everything as the year progressed in pictures. There is only one day that I don't have a pic for- the day zach dumped me and started a clusterfuck for the next seven months of my life.

I still periodically feel furious/stupid/sad.

But that is neither here nor there. The point is its neat to see the year in photos. A whole lot of calypso. Me at different hair lengths and fatness. General day to day things and special occasions.

If anything it makes me glad for the people in my life. I have the greatest friends on planet earth.

And while I'm not looking so much forward to Christmas at all this year, for obvious reasons, I'm glad I can take the chance and show ppl how much they mean to me.

Anyway. Hopefully I can get back to sleep now. Much love.


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