so maybe yesterday's post was a little bit dramatic.

but when you get news from no where when you've had a migraine for two days and the chiropractor terrifies you, you just dont handle it well. or maybe its just me. i dont know. what i do know is at 830 last night i called a friend and begged them to bring me excedrin migraine before my head exploded like an overripe watermelon dropped 12 stories. (slight exaggeration).

i'm working from home today because frankly, i feel like shit. my head is still throbbing, my back hurts from where the chiro did whatever it is he did, and i'm emotionally exhausted, which means with all that combined, my guts have a mind of their own. this is not a pretty sight. i'm currently sitting in the living room with the heating pad, ice pack, blankets, a dr pepper, and a roll of toilet paper because i dont have tissues anywhere. this is not a pretty sight yall.

after talking to zach a little bit more last night, i understand why he wants to leave. i genuinely do. i just have a problem with the suddenness of it all and feeling like its my fault. i try to help and fix everyone and when i cant do that i feel like i'm the one that has failed somehow. and i dont knokw why that is. i've finally gotten a handle on taking care of myself (mostly) and i think it bothers me even more now that i cant fix everything.

i asked mom yesterday if i'd had any trama to my neck when i was younger, bc the chiro asked me if i had and i couldnt think of anything. she reminded me that i was in at least 4 car wrecks before i started school and several since then. one of those wrecks was 2 weeks after i was born. so surely somewhere in there i fucked up my spine. i'm really trying to sit correctly and not crack my neck and its hard to do. looking at my xrays scared me (to the point i got hot and clammy and the dr thought i was going to pass out). pretty much everything wrong with my back is fixable, or at least, can have the pain alleviated somewhat, but i'm young and have this many back problems? whats going to happen when i'm 40? 50? ancient? i'm a hypochondriac enough as it is, i dont need this to worry about too. also, apparently one-a-day vitamins are total crap, and i've just been wasting my time in taking them. good to know..

anyway. enough pity party. i need to eat something that isnt an oreo and hope this headache will go away.

i'm going to be fine. i know i am. just right now.. this really sucks.

so i have a migraine, crooked spine, and broken heart. where can i find a doctor to fix me?

zach is moving back to kentucky. tomorrow. this came as a total shock to me. i thought i was meeting him for dinner to celebrate my late birthday, instead he wants picked up at the uhaul place. needless to say i lost my shit. and somehow i'm the bad guy for being upset by this. i'm sorry, i thought i was being helpful and trying to work something out. instead he is running away and i'm left here holding the baggage.

i'm a mess.

it didnt help that i went to the chirpractor right before hand and he told me he didnt like the look of my xrays and was going to send them to a radiology specialist. bc there may be some sort of degenerative thing going on whch explains why i hurt all the time.

also i have a migraine and all this worry and crying hasnt helped it a bit and i just want to stab my eyeballs out.

i want zach to get better, but i dont think running away is the answer. i know its not, since its what i threatened to do so many times. but who am i to have an opinion here? apparently no one. my opinion does not matter. my feelings do not matter. i do not matter. and somehow i'm in the wrong for being upset by this. so sorry for having feelings.

i didnt think i was asking much in life. someone to love me that i could love back. someone to take care of me that i could take care of back. someone to laugh with. someone to maybe someday have kids with. if i'm such a good person like everyone says then why does everyone run away.

sure zach says he stilll loves me but wants to 'rollthe dice on this one'. never have i felt more worthless than hearing those words. i'm no better than a bet on a craps table. and the odds arent in my favor. and i know it isnt my fault that this happened, that it was happening long before he and i even met. but i tried so damn hard to help him and he wouldnt listen. this is one of those cases where i dont like being right. and i dont like this situation now, bc there will be too much pressure on him to drink. i'm so incredibly worried about that. all of his friends in lexington are alcoholics. thats not the environment anyone should be in.

i'm just babbling now. i have no idea in my mind what to do. i want to support and help him. but i cant sit here by myself for the next 80 years waiting on him to decide whether that dice roll should happen.

i genuinely thought that this was it for me. someone told me that seeing me in the pic of where i tried on my wedding dress was the happiest they had ever seen me, and that they knew this was right for me (this someone being someone who very much thought it was wrong for me). and if they can see it then why cant this be easy.

no. i know nothing in this world is easy. but i'm tired of hurting. i was happy for a year and it was the single best year of my life. and then i got blindsided and it all got taken away.

its like that god damn adele song thats on the radio right now.

i'm taking a sleeping pill and goin gto bed. and its not to run away from my problems. i am trying not to do that anymore. i just need to sleep bc i didnt sleep last night and i'm so upset/worried/hurting that i dont think i can function right now.

i'm sorry. i'm so sorry for being a mess all the time. i just want to be happy.

thinkin about my bday

so. my birthday is sunday. and i'm not going to lie, i'm actually dreading it. to the point that thinking about it makes me want to cry.

it has been such a rough year. it started out so well and then just spiraled down. i know logically i have many things this year that i am thankful for, but i think the overall word for 27 will be exhausted.

i am proud of myself with work. and i'm very proud of myself that i've taken control of my health and am eating better and going to the gym. but i feel like a failure in the personal aspects of my life. that, if i had done this or that, would things be different?

they're talking about government shut down again, and if it happens, i'm just going to get the dog and get in the car and drive. i dont care where i go. i just want to go. but thats just me always wanting to run away from problems instead of just dealing with them like an adult.

things that i hope for my 28 year. i hope i continue to get healthy, physically and mentally. i hope that i do good for others in any and every way i can. i hope i sort out my personal life and if not feel good about my choices, at least know that i can learn from them, grow from them.

i've had to do a lot of growing and learning lately and frankly my joints hurt.

which makes me think. i've been joking for years about wanting to go to the chiropractor for my birthday. so this year i figured, fuck it, thats what insurance is for, and i am going on monday. i'm legitimately excited about that, bc ever since i broke my butt, i feel like i'm crooked. maybe i can get fixed and that will fix my outlook too.

i know i have wonderful people in my life and i'm thankful for every single one of them. bc so many times i've counted on others to carry me. and this year i'm going to try to do better at carrying myself. but i feel like a little kid wanting to ask, are you there God? it's me andrea. i need a sign. a big one. very obvious one.

a very busy weekend is coming up, and yet even in the midst of so many people, i feel incredibly, painfully alone. and that isn't whining, thats just wondering what it is i'm doing wrong.

obligatory memory post

I feel like everyone is doing their 'ten years ago i was...' speech. and while i feel like that diminishes something about what happened, i feel like maybe it's important for everyone to share that memory bc it helps connect them to other people.

so. ten years ago i was a senior in high school in middle of nowhere WV. I lived in my own little bubble and wasn't about to take off my rose colored glasses. I was sitting in my Physics class, goofing off bc our teacher was in one of his moods where he didn't feel like teaching. (this was a common occurrence, but neither here nor there) someone had to have come in to tell him to turn on the tv bc he didn't often let us watch it, but we sat and watched the news while he played solitaire on the computer. i remember him making some glib remark about the pilot being a drunken idiot to hit a building. when the second one happened though, even he shut up. i remember my journalism teacher next period frantically trying to contact a family member who was supposed to be in the nyc area for business. but i feel like for the most part, we just went about our day. we didn't know really the full impact of what the hell was going on. we were sheltered in the mountains, ignorant to just about everything. i think thats why i still feel so strange about it all, bc it didnt directly effect me so I don't feel like i'm connected in that way to what happened. if i look back over the last ten years i think the only 2 things that came from it that really struck me was when i had to fly and the whole process was a pain in the ass, and my freshman year of college when the dorm took us on a bus trip to nyc and our first stop was the hole in the ground that was the towers. i'm not even kidding when i tell you that i don't remember at all what it looks like. did i block it out of my mind? i guess i did.

i feel like this whole post has made me sound very callous. but those of you who know me know i'm a bleeding freaking heart. i guess now that i'm out of the holler and have more technology and things at my fingertips and can see the photographs and can watch/listen to the recordings, it does all become more eerie and sad. but for me at the time, i guess i was just too sheltered and ignorant.

i do wish many good thoughts and prayers today to those who lost loved ones. that probably doesnt sound like much after that rambling post, but i do honestly mean it.

Benny, Jet 1, Jet 2, and Jet 3





Oxford Comma, Sammy Davis Jr Jr, GOB




Four currently unnamed, but open to suggestions

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