this is going to be one giant ramble but i just woke up and this unnerved me.
in my dream i had gone to visit someone and their kid and it was so nice watching them play and have fun. until.. the evil step mother of sorts showed up and was nice and invited herself to dinner. and in the dream i was crushed and decided to go home. to get home, however, you had to walk up and down these steps on a pier of sorts. apparently i live by the ocean now. and it was the end of work day or something so everyone was in line. girls had their own piers, boys had their own. and the tide was as high as the piers so you had to hold onto the railing the whole time and not get swept away. and everyone was soaked. and my phone kept ringing (which it was in real life which is what finally woke me up) and i didnt want to reply bc it was getting all wet and saltwatery. and for some reason there was just one hell of a wave that knocked everyone down. everyone else kept hold of the railing, but for some reason i just let go. and right at the point where i accepted i was drowning i woke the fuck up.
how messed up is that. i mean for serious.
i still have a headache. bleh.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
update and ramble
they're keeping my uncle in the ICU for the next few days to see if the bleeding stops. mom didn't seem too worried, but i think after 25+ years of nursing mom can just turn off the fear. i dont know. it still scares the hell out of me bc thats how my grandmother samples died.
i still cant eat those fruit mentos things to this day without bursting in tears bc thats the only thing they had in the hospital vending machine when she died. i dont know why i jsut thought about that.
between all this worry and all this frantic packing to leave tomorrow (bc mom says theres no point in me staying, plus if i leave my aunt and cousins can stay here and that makes sense that i could at least do that for them) i have the mother of all migraines. to the point it hurts to cry. as it is i'm typing this in the dark not really looking at the laptop bc the light makes me want to puke.
something nice though, bc i need nice. my mammaw called me to tell me about the nice people at the nursing home who got the blankets i made. she took them out and had them given to the ppl who didnt have much of a christmas. one of them mammaw said is the nicest old lady but is generally not very social bc she is deaf and wasnt ever taught to speak. she has one family member who hasnt come to visit in years, and since there is only one employee who knows sign language, its really hard on her being in that home. so when they took the blankets out and signed to her she got to pick one for keeps she apparently got very excited and started crying and signed to the nurse to tell mammaw thank you and that its the nicest prettiest thing she's ever owned. and that right there is why i started making them. bc if something so small as that can make someone smile, then i know i've done good. thats why i'm going to keep making them. interestingly enough, the obnoxiously brightly colored ones are the ones they liked best, so after i finish this green and cream one, i'm going to go buy loud and obnoxious yarn.
i also just broke down and bought a new laptop which i've already been preached at is very irresponsible of me, but this one is not working well, the port where it plugs in sucks and i have to hold it a certain way to get it to charge and the company finally emailed back and said they could probably fix it but it would take at least a month. a month i dont have since i have to work. but mom said if i got a new one and then sent this one to get fixed and gave her this one, she'd pay half on the new. so that works out best for everyone. i hope anyway.
my brain hurts and i need a hug. that was very whiny of me. sorry. i just have this feeling that things are going to change in a big way soon and i dont know if it is good or bad.
good thoughts to uncle keith. good thoughts to aunt diane who starts chemo on monday. good thoughts to everyone.
lovelove.
i still cant eat those fruit mentos things to this day without bursting in tears bc thats the only thing they had in the hospital vending machine when she died. i dont know why i jsut thought about that.
between all this worry and all this frantic packing to leave tomorrow (bc mom says theres no point in me staying, plus if i leave my aunt and cousins can stay here and that makes sense that i could at least do that for them) i have the mother of all migraines. to the point it hurts to cry. as it is i'm typing this in the dark not really looking at the laptop bc the light makes me want to puke.
something nice though, bc i need nice. my mammaw called me to tell me about the nice people at the nursing home who got the blankets i made. she took them out and had them given to the ppl who didnt have much of a christmas. one of them mammaw said is the nicest old lady but is generally not very social bc she is deaf and wasnt ever taught to speak. she has one family member who hasnt come to visit in years, and since there is only one employee who knows sign language, its really hard on her being in that home. so when they took the blankets out and signed to her she got to pick one for keeps she apparently got very excited and started crying and signed to the nurse to tell mammaw thank you and that its the nicest prettiest thing she's ever owned. and that right there is why i started making them. bc if something so small as that can make someone smile, then i know i've done good. thats why i'm going to keep making them. interestingly enough, the obnoxiously brightly colored ones are the ones they liked best, so after i finish this green and cream one, i'm going to go buy loud and obnoxious yarn.
i also just broke down and bought a new laptop which i've already been preached at is very irresponsible of me, but this one is not working well, the port where it plugs in sucks and i have to hold it a certain way to get it to charge and the company finally emailed back and said they could probably fix it but it would take at least a month. a month i dont have since i have to work. but mom said if i got a new one and then sent this one to get fixed and gave her this one, she'd pay half on the new. so that works out best for everyone. i hope anyway.
my brain hurts and i need a hug. that was very whiny of me. sorry. i just have this feeling that things are going to change in a big way soon and i dont know if it is good or bad.
good thoughts to uncle keith. good thoughts to aunt diane who starts chemo on monday. good thoughts to everyone.
lovelove.
send good thoughts
my uncle is on his way up to the hospital here with some sort of bleed in his head. mom didn't know for sure. whatever it is it's too much for the hospital at home to deal with.
blugh. this is no good. send good thoughts.
blugh. this is no good. send good thoughts.
cranky with migraine makes compromises
i'm sure i've mentioned this, but i need things to be planned out in advance.
the fact that i still dont know 1. where i'm staying and 2. what i'm doing in DC this weekend DOES NOT FLY.
i'm already making compromises for the new year. For staying the entire weekend (which I don't mind, really) and for going to a yuppie ass, over priced, over crowded bar i get at least two smithsonians. air and space first. haven't decided which other.
i am just not a fan of huge crowds of drunk stuck up assholes. that is not my scene.
i'm kicking myself for the whole 'i'll do anything for new years as long as its not sitting home alone.'
this is me thinking positively. start to a new year in a different city. will get to see some of my favorite museums. and will go to a bar with many wvu alum to watch the game on friday.
it could be worse. (?)
the fact that i still dont know 1. where i'm staying and 2. what i'm doing in DC this weekend DOES NOT FLY.
i'm already making compromises for the new year. For staying the entire weekend (which I don't mind, really) and for going to a yuppie ass, over priced, over crowded bar i get at least two smithsonians. air and space first. haven't decided which other.
i am just not a fan of huge crowds of drunk stuck up assholes. that is not my scene.
i'm kicking myself for the whole 'i'll do anything for new years as long as its not sitting home alone.'
this is me thinking positively. start to a new year in a different city. will get to see some of my favorite museums. and will go to a bar with many wvu alum to watch the game on friday.
it could be worse. (?)
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
bastardized soup
So in 4-5 hours I, in theory, will have tortilla soup. Of sorts. I decided I needed to start utilizing this crockpot, so I got out the cookbook and decided this sounded good. so when i got up to dump it all in this morning, i decided it didn't have nearly enough ingredients. (this may be a mistake, i'll let you know) so in goes more things, like green chilis and black beans and salsa and black pepper and garlic. it smells awesome. i'm just hoping i dont die of food poisoning. i've been feeling iffy today anyway. lack of sleep and worrying about getting the virus that's going around bc lish has it and it's not pretty. i woke up at one point ready to boot. but i think its bc i had cake icing for dessert. woops. comfort food, what?
so for christmas i got 2 new books that i'd been wanting to read (and have at this point, finished). High Fidelity and The Princess Bride. You will rarely hear me say this, but I think the movie of High Fidelity was better than the book (waiting for shakespeare or the like to throw lightning at me). I think john cusack just IS rob and i dont know. thats all i have for that. Now the book of the Princess Bride. I loved it. I think you should go out right now and get it bc you'll laugh twice as much. It's great. Just.. yes. great.
Also, any of you WVers around, we may get a group together to go skiing next next weekend at Timberline (not my first choice, but, not my ski trip). Let me know if you'd like to go.
So. I'm trying to think of something interesting to say. But I've got nothin. I need to get out of the house. I still have no idea what we're doing in D.C. but i'm ready to go.
so for christmas i got 2 new books that i'd been wanting to read (and have at this point, finished). High Fidelity and The Princess Bride. You will rarely hear me say this, but I think the movie of High Fidelity was better than the book (waiting for shakespeare or the like to throw lightning at me). I think john cusack just IS rob and i dont know. thats all i have for that. Now the book of the Princess Bride. I loved it. I think you should go out right now and get it bc you'll laugh twice as much. It's great. Just.. yes. great.
Also, any of you WVers around, we may get a group together to go skiing next next weekend at Timberline (not my first choice, but, not my ski trip). Let me know if you'd like to go.
So. I'm trying to think of something interesting to say. But I've got nothin. I need to get out of the house. I still have no idea what we're doing in D.C. but i'm ready to go.
Monday, December 28, 2009
home from the holidays
i'm back among the ... well, i'm back. Christmas had both good and bad parts (good: seeing some family, Christmas party downtown with friends and former teachers, Christmas Eve church) and some bad (we'll not discuss those) and now I'm home ready for another short work week. The winter weather may change my NYE plans, but we'll see. All else, I may just be stuck in D.C. for a few extra days.
I did get a camera for christmas, so pictures of things will be at the end of this post. I also got a crockpot (hooray!) and 5 seasons of Are You Being Served, which my family after watching about 3 episodes thinks is stupid. I knew I was the one with taste. Mammaw gave all the kids money and the penny pincher in me is quite proud of all the purchases I managed to make with the sum. My favorite is a cloche hat. (look it up) I really like hats and dont often get to wear hats and this one, if I dare say it, doesn't look half bad. I should have been this age in the 1920s. It was an exceptionally good time for hats and music. I don't have a photo of said hat, but will have one shortly.
and now for some photos:
This is twice as funny to me because in undergrad and grad we used a book of this title for school. It takes too long to explain, but I'm glad that Santa (mom) has a fun sense of humor.
Shainna got Calypso a Snuggie. She looks so thrilled. :)
Joey also got Caly a Snuggie. So she shared her pain with Thor. The pink really brings out his eyes.
the christmas lights on my porch.
So I forgot to get a photo of the three blankets I finished before Mammaw took them out. So here is No. 4 that I started this weekend. I figure it's pretty manly looking.
And finally, my tree. Complete with Superman-sheet tree skirt. I might as well take it down today. I think I get more sad taking trees down than putting them up. but, there's no point in having it up now.
I did get a camera for christmas, so pictures of things will be at the end of this post. I also got a crockpot (hooray!) and 5 seasons of Are You Being Served, which my family after watching about 3 episodes thinks is stupid. I knew I was the one with taste. Mammaw gave all the kids money and the penny pincher in me is quite proud of all the purchases I managed to make with the sum. My favorite is a cloche hat. (look it up) I really like hats and dont often get to wear hats and this one, if I dare say it, doesn't look half bad. I should have been this age in the 1920s. It was an exceptionally good time for hats and music. I don't have a photo of said hat, but will have one shortly.
and now for some photos:
This is twice as funny to me because in undergrad and grad we used a book of this title for school. It takes too long to explain, but I'm glad that Santa (mom) has a fun sense of humor.
Shainna got Calypso a Snuggie. She looks so thrilled. :)
Joey also got Caly a Snuggie. So she shared her pain with Thor. The pink really brings out his eyes.
the christmas lights on my porch.
So I forgot to get a photo of the three blankets I finished before Mammaw took them out. So here is No. 4 that I started this weekend. I figure it's pretty manly looking.
And finally, my tree. Complete with Superman-sheet tree skirt. I might as well take it down today. I think I get more sad taking trees down than putting them up. but, there's no point in having it up now.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
what would you wish
in san juan de gaztelugatxe, spain, there is a tiny 9th or 10th century hermitage dedicated to san juan. people travel across a footbridge and up 237 winding steps to reach this hermitage to ring the bell 3 times and make a wish.
if you were traveling to this beautiful place (wiki it) and made the journey to the bell, what would you wish for?
i know what i'd wish for.
lovelove.
if you were traveling to this beautiful place (wiki it) and made the journey to the bell, what would you wish for?
i know what i'd wish for.
lovelove.
headin homeward
in about an hour i'm headin to b.county for the next 4 days. someone tell me how i have so much crap to lug home with me.
i am happy and on edge to be going home. there will definitely be good parts- seeing all the family, christmas eve church, the party on christmas evening at the cafe with all my home-friends. but for a lot of the same reasons, and a couple others, i'm going to be very anxious.
i felt christmasy for the first time all year on monday evening when i went to watch Madison's christmas play. picture kids ages 2-4 dressed up for the nativity play. only the sheep are hitting the shepherds and there's a cat and a bunny and they're hanging out with the stars, and joseph accidentally sits on baby jesus, and mary runs off with a king, and all sorts of adorable hilarity ensues. madi did very well at semi-singing her songs and remembering her sign language for the first half, but by the second she was running around the stage with her 3 yr old bf the donkey. i haven't laughed that hard at such ridiculous cuteness in a long time.
so if i don't post again before christmas, i love you all and am thankful i have you in my life and i wish you a safe and happy holiday.
lovelove
i am happy and on edge to be going home. there will definitely be good parts- seeing all the family, christmas eve church, the party on christmas evening at the cafe with all my home-friends. but for a lot of the same reasons, and a couple others, i'm going to be very anxious.
i felt christmasy for the first time all year on monday evening when i went to watch Madison's christmas play. picture kids ages 2-4 dressed up for the nativity play. only the sheep are hitting the shepherds and there's a cat and a bunny and they're hanging out with the stars, and joseph accidentally sits on baby jesus, and mary runs off with a king, and all sorts of adorable hilarity ensues. madi did very well at semi-singing her songs and remembering her sign language for the first half, but by the second she was running around the stage with her 3 yr old bf the donkey. i haven't laughed that hard at such ridiculous cuteness in a long time.
so if i don't post again before christmas, i love you all and am thankful i have you in my life and i wish you a safe and happy holiday.
lovelove
Sunday, December 20, 2009
i dont understand why things are
this has nothing to with me, which is probably something you're glad to hear. but send good thoughts to a girl i grew up with (i dont feel right putting her name on here) who's now officially past her due date for her baby and her husband just got shipped to afganistan on short notice yesterday and with no set return date. luckily her mom got to her today (couldnt the last 2 days bc of the snow) so she wont be alone when the baby comes/for christmas.
i can not imagine what she is feeling right now. she is much braver than i could ever be.
i can not imagine what she is feeling right now. she is much braver than i could ever be.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
movies
do you realize how many movies, tv movies, tv shows, whatever, there are that the plot is based on two ppl falling in love and one of the two 'accidentally' forgetting to mention they are married? it boggles my mind. Forget Paris is currently on and low and behold that's the plot thus far. but something tells me these two assholes are going to be together in the end in some magical way bc they realize that their lives are so much better together than apart, blah blah, etc.
i dont care if i have to hook calypso to a sled to get out of here tomorrow. i can not sit here and watch this garbage for another day.
you know. i dont expect a hollywood ending to my life. but i'd like for people to do the right thing once in awhile.
hrmph.
i dont care if i have to hook calypso to a sled to get out of here tomorrow. i can not sit here and watch this garbage for another day.
you know. i dont expect a hollywood ending to my life. but i'd like for people to do the right thing once in awhile.
hrmph.
snowed in
so, as many of my deer readers are right now, i'm snowed in. there is currently at least 8 inches out there and it is still pouring. i dug a tunnel to my car earlier in the morning, and you cant even tell now. we're in a state of emergency and applebees is closed. this shit is fo'realz.
so since i'm snowed in, and the dog didn't enjoy our romp in the yard (she sat under the porch and stared at me, like i'm the crazy one for wanting to make a snow angel) i've been doing what i do best. crocheting and feeling grumpy about christmas. and as i just said to a friend a few minutes ago, i feel like a big asshole bc i am not in the christmas spirit. i ordered the flock of chicks for the people and that didnt even make me feel better. so i decided to get on youtube and try to find old christmasy videos. which of course led me to the Band Aid videos which, as we all know, tore me up. And I know I put them on here last year, but here they are again. The original, the bandaid 2, and bandaid 20 with my boyfriend chris martin of coldplay. and things likethis. they make me feel like a bigger asshole. bc as much as i try to help others i know there is so much more i could be doing. i have a house and food and heat and good people in my life and yet i complain while there are people out there who have absolutely nothing. and it makes me want to take just everything i have and go and give it to people who need it. i know and have always known that at some point in my life i'm giong to have to go on a missionary/volunteer/whatever type trip and i wish i had the nerve to do it now. i think i'd feel worse though, and wish i could bring every person i meet home with me and take care of them.
this did not really help my christmas mood. if nothing else, please just remember to be very thankful for all the blessings you have in your life. tell the people you love them how much you love them. help a stranger. pay forward in any way you can for all the good things that are you.
lovelove.
so since i'm snowed in, and the dog didn't enjoy our romp in the yard (she sat under the porch and stared at me, like i'm the crazy one for wanting to make a snow angel) i've been doing what i do best. crocheting and feeling grumpy about christmas. and as i just said to a friend a few minutes ago, i feel like a big asshole bc i am not in the christmas spirit. i ordered the flock of chicks for the people and that didnt even make me feel better. so i decided to get on youtube and try to find old christmasy videos. which of course led me to the Band Aid videos which, as we all know, tore me up. And I know I put them on here last year, but here they are again. The original, the bandaid 2, and bandaid 20 with my boyfriend chris martin of coldplay. and things likethis. they make me feel like a bigger asshole. bc as much as i try to help others i know there is so much more i could be doing. i have a house and food and heat and good people in my life and yet i complain while there are people out there who have absolutely nothing. and it makes me want to take just everything i have and go and give it to people who need it. i know and have always known that at some point in my life i'm giong to have to go on a missionary/volunteer/whatever type trip and i wish i had the nerve to do it now. i think i'd feel worse though, and wish i could bring every person i meet home with me and take care of them.
this did not really help my christmas mood. if nothing else, please just remember to be very thankful for all the blessings you have in your life. tell the people you love them how much you love them. help a stranger. pay forward in any way you can for all the good things that are you.
lovelove.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
high school caught on tape
so steff linked me to this youtube channel. it is my brother and her brother and all their crazy friends and the videos they made while i was in high school.. mostly of blowing things up. if you look closely, i'm in one or two.
oy vey.
oy vey.
numa numa
little things really do make me happy.
lunch with ranae is exactly what i needed. it's always fun catching up with her. and the desserts! oh dear, the desserts. lets just say if you're really nice and tell me you love me i MIGHT share some of my key lime fudge or biscotti or 2 kinds of cookies or white chocolate chex mix. but not the cheesecake. i am stingy and that is allll mine.
so to keep the good mood up during my break btwn projects i decided i needed another dance party. flashback to 2004 to the numa numa kid. tonya and i listened to this all the time. so it was a dance party in the living room until calypso puked on my new shoes. i sincerely hope it didnt have to do with my dance skills and more to do with that dryer sheet and push pop and yarn she ate.
also, this is awesome and made me remember about my guitar playing goal on my list. so i'm going to see if michael can restring my guitar over christmas for me. i dont think anyone in this world will really care if i play the star wars theme song on guitar, but i did put it on the list. so there that is.
and i'm getting dinner cooked for me this evening which is always a bonus since i'm not the one cooking.
so. yeah. ok. hoggle.
lunch with ranae is exactly what i needed. it's always fun catching up with her. and the desserts! oh dear, the desserts. lets just say if you're really nice and tell me you love me i MIGHT share some of my key lime fudge or biscotti or 2 kinds of cookies or white chocolate chex mix. but not the cheesecake. i am stingy and that is allll mine.
so to keep the good mood up during my break btwn projects i decided i needed another dance party. flashback to 2004 to the numa numa kid. tonya and i listened to this all the time. so it was a dance party in the living room until calypso puked on my new shoes. i sincerely hope it didnt have to do with my dance skills and more to do with that dryer sheet and push pop and yarn she ate.
also, this is awesome and made me remember about my guitar playing goal on my list. so i'm going to see if michael can restring my guitar over christmas for me. i dont think anyone in this world will really care if i play the star wars theme song on guitar, but i did put it on the list. so there that is.
and i'm getting dinner cooked for me this evening which is always a bonus since i'm not the one cooking.
so. yeah. ok. hoggle.
For even in her sorrow there's something in the eyes
it's almost christmas. every year i build it up and want something magical to happen. nothing ever does. and yet i still hope that maybe the next year, maybe the next.
somehow i came across the john denver song 'country girl in paris.' i really like it. if it were my story i'd run away to Prague or the red square or someplace equally interesting.
it is cold. i had to break out my mismatched wool socks.
so i guess i'm now going to D.C. for new years eve. i bought myself a fancy dress and things. i just wanted to feel good about myself and pretty and have a new start at a new year. but something as simple as that has been turned around and made me feel like crap. i guess i'm still going to go. but i'll be the loneliest person the the dc metro area. i even found heels.
if When Harry Met Sally comes on tv today, i'm throwing it out the window.
i'm meeting ranae for lunch, for which i am very glad and not just because she is bringing me some of her famous desserts. it will be nice to see someone from home. and it will be nice to get out of this house for an hour.
i'm sorry this was such a blah post. believe me, i'm holding back. joel got the brunt of it on the phone last night. joey always tells me that people can feel what i'm feeling when i'm hugging them and when i'm crying. and he is one of 2 people in this world who seem to know without even talking to me when i need someone to talk to. he's listened to me be a whiny girl for over a decade. that is either incredibly sad or a good friend. i still dont know which.
i just want everyone to be happy. everyone deserves it. everyone.
lovelove. always.
somehow i came across the john denver song 'country girl in paris.' i really like it. if it were my story i'd run away to Prague or the red square or someplace equally interesting.
it is cold. i had to break out my mismatched wool socks.
so i guess i'm now going to D.C. for new years eve. i bought myself a fancy dress and things. i just wanted to feel good about myself and pretty and have a new start at a new year. but something as simple as that has been turned around and made me feel like crap. i guess i'm still going to go. but i'll be the loneliest person the the dc metro area. i even found heels.
if When Harry Met Sally comes on tv today, i'm throwing it out the window.
i'm meeting ranae for lunch, for which i am very glad and not just because she is bringing me some of her famous desserts. it will be nice to see someone from home. and it will be nice to get out of this house for an hour.
i'm sorry this was such a blah post. believe me, i'm holding back. joel got the brunt of it on the phone last night. joey always tells me that people can feel what i'm feeling when i'm hugging them and when i'm crying. and he is one of 2 people in this world who seem to know without even talking to me when i need someone to talk to. he's listened to me be a whiny girl for over a decade. that is either incredibly sad or a good friend. i still dont know which.
i just want everyone to be happy. everyone deserves it. everyone.
lovelove. always.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
thankful
when things are at their absolute worst, i realize that the people i have in my life are so very important to me. i havent laughed as hard as i have in the last 2 hours in a very long time, and this is coming from someone who may or not have been in tears ten minutes before that feeling like my life was a mess and i didn't knowhat i was doing.
i still dont know what i'm doing. but the people i have who support me genuinely keep me together. and for that i am so very greatful.
also, fate (along with a christmas present of Bitter With Baggage Seeks Same cards) decided that the animal I will be giving to Heifer Intl will be a flock of chicks. it's fitting and good. so i'll be placing that order tomorrow.
My bitter with baggage self is still upset, still hurt, still confused, but if i can help someone else in some small way, if i can make someone laugh or just feel better by giving them a hug, then that's what i'll do. i have to. i need to. i don't know what is best for everyone and i cant help everyone i want to help. but i want to do what i can.
lovelove.
i still dont know what i'm doing. but the people i have who support me genuinely keep me together. and for that i am so very greatful.
also, fate (along with a christmas present of Bitter With Baggage Seeks Same cards) decided that the animal I will be giving to Heifer Intl will be a flock of chicks. it's fitting and good. so i'll be placing that order tomorrow.
My bitter with baggage self is still upset, still hurt, still confused, but if i can help someone else in some small way, if i can make someone laugh or just feel better by giving them a hug, then that's what i'll do. i have to. i need to. i don't know what is best for everyone and i cant help everyone i want to help. but i want to do what i can.
lovelove.
i have this theory
being that i watch a lot of daytime television lately, i've seen that new folger's coffee christmas commercial about a bajillion times. it's here if you're interested.
the point of this post is that i think i'm mildly in love with the good son comes home for the holidays character. and not just because he's more than a little attractive. but this fictitious person is, as much as one can be in a 45 second commercial, everything i want in a male counterpart. he's come from somewhere in africa where he's (assumingly) doing humanitarian work and yet still does his very best to make it home for christmas with his family. he's witty, in the few sentences he says. he takes the time to bring a gift home for his sister when, if you notice all he has is a backpack which means he had to bring home only important things. and all his family loves him and is more excited to see him than the things he brought home. i can overlook the fact that he likes coffee. bleh.
yes. i did think about this this indepth. am i a loser? absolutely. is there a point to this? no, not really. all i want for christmas is a funny, humanitarian who loves his family and doesn't drink coffee.
the point of this post is that i think i'm mildly in love with the good son comes home for the holidays character. and not just because he's more than a little attractive. but this fictitious person is, as much as one can be in a 45 second commercial, everything i want in a male counterpart. he's come from somewhere in africa where he's (assumingly) doing humanitarian work and yet still does his very best to make it home for christmas with his family. he's witty, in the few sentences he says. he takes the time to bring a gift home for his sister when, if you notice all he has is a backpack which means he had to bring home only important things. and all his family loves him and is more excited to see him than the things he brought home. i can overlook the fact that he likes coffee. bleh.
yes. i did think about this this indepth. am i a loser? absolutely. is there a point to this? no, not really. all i want for christmas is a funny, humanitarian who loves his family and doesn't drink coffee.
Monday, December 14, 2009
gift of giving
i realized i hadn't been home to pick up an angel tree name this year, and since i dropped the ball on that one, and since i need to help someone else have a better life in some small hopeful way, i was looking online at different charities. we know i usually go for kids, old people, and soldiers. but i wanted to find one that would have some sort of impact on more than just one person.
so i found this, Heifer International, and after reading through their material and researching them on my own, i like what they are about, bringing in animals that require the community to work together to care for them, but offer a byproduct (wool, eggs, milk, whatever) that can nourish the people as well as offer a means of supply to sell to help them further help themselves. so i need your help in deciding which animal(s) i want to donate toward. i could get a whole flock of chicks, or a portion of like, a goat. i'm sure it would be the ass portion, but they assure me that their poo is good for the earth that has been overfarmed. so there's that. hell, i'd even donate some rabbits even though their beady little eyes freak me the crap out.
so let me know what you think. i'll make it from all of us. you give me the gift of reading this garbage i write and supporting me anyway. i'll pay it forward in the only way i know how.
so i found this, Heifer International, and after reading through their material and researching them on my own, i like what they are about, bringing in animals that require the community to work together to care for them, but offer a byproduct (wool, eggs, milk, whatever) that can nourish the people as well as offer a means of supply to sell to help them further help themselves. so i need your help in deciding which animal(s) i want to donate toward. i could get a whole flock of chicks, or a portion of like, a goat. i'm sure it would be the ass portion, but they assure me that their poo is good for the earth that has been overfarmed. so there's that. hell, i'd even donate some rabbits even though their beady little eyes freak me the crap out.
so let me know what you think. i'll make it from all of us. you give me the gift of reading this garbage i write and supporting me anyway. i'll pay it forward in the only way i know how.
the thing about going to the movies
i had to get out of the house this evening.
back up. that statement will probably be the basis of many posts for the next probably 2 months, seeing as there is still no word on office space. i'm getting creative with my 'free time' now.
anyway.
so i went and watched The Blindside. we all know i'm a sucker for lost cause learns courage type movies, and i may or may not secretly love sports movies of this nature in particular. so i put off seeing this for awhile. but it seemed like a good idea. so yeah. i was that person who embarrasses themselves for crying in a movie. call me extra emotional lately, but it was one of those feel good movies. and it made my twang bad for about six minutes. but it is based on a true story, and while not all stories turn out that well, it really is one of those things that i believe in. which is why someday i'd like to adopt, or at least be a foster parent. i want to help give someone out there an opportunity that they wouldnt otherwise have. i've always wanted to do this, and i will do this someday. not anytime soon. i need to sort my own shit out first. i dont think i'm in any kind of state to be a role model. but someday, i hope i can be.
so lately, i've been drawing trees. i dont draw. but i had this spare canvas from my failed painting attempt, and so i grabbed a sharpie and drew a tree. not a bright happy green thing, but a black silhouette bare limbs tree. and for being very stark, i actually really like it. i'd show you if i had that illusive camera. soon enough, that. but i dont know why the trees. it's always just one single tree. i like them because they are pretty resilient. even if a limb is torn off, they keep growing. if a barbed wire fence is in its path, it will grow around it. they offer protection and in some cases food. they live longer than people and document history. i sound like a character in Fern Gully. but. i put up my tree picture on my red wall. i felt like it was special enough to go up there. it's not well drawn by any standard, but it's important to me.
thats all i have to say right now.
lovelove. i guess.
back up. that statement will probably be the basis of many posts for the next probably 2 months, seeing as there is still no word on office space. i'm getting creative with my 'free time' now.
anyway.
so i went and watched The Blindside. we all know i'm a sucker for lost cause learns courage type movies, and i may or may not secretly love sports movies of this nature in particular. so i put off seeing this for awhile. but it seemed like a good idea. so yeah. i was that person who embarrasses themselves for crying in a movie. call me extra emotional lately, but it was one of those feel good movies. and it made my twang bad for about six minutes. but it is based on a true story, and while not all stories turn out that well, it really is one of those things that i believe in. which is why someday i'd like to adopt, or at least be a foster parent. i want to help give someone out there an opportunity that they wouldnt otherwise have. i've always wanted to do this, and i will do this someday. not anytime soon. i need to sort my own shit out first. i dont think i'm in any kind of state to be a role model. but someday, i hope i can be.
so lately, i've been drawing trees. i dont draw. but i had this spare canvas from my failed painting attempt, and so i grabbed a sharpie and drew a tree. not a bright happy green thing, but a black silhouette bare limbs tree. and for being very stark, i actually really like it. i'd show you if i had that illusive camera. soon enough, that. but i dont know why the trees. it's always just one single tree. i like them because they are pretty resilient. even if a limb is torn off, they keep growing. if a barbed wire fence is in its path, it will grow around it. they offer protection and in some cases food. they live longer than people and document history. i sound like a character in Fern Gully. but. i put up my tree picture on my red wall. i felt like it was special enough to go up there. it's not well drawn by any standard, but it's important to me.
thats all i have to say right now.
lovelove. i guess.
monday blues
its 1:00. the most exciting thing thats happened today is i refused to wear pants to work.
(i can do that. since i dont leave the house for work. and here you thought i was being rebellious.)
i feel like numbering things.
1. the billy ray cyrus christmas special is typical cheesy mountain man christmas. i cant help but want to correct his grammar and ask him whether or not his achy breaky heart understands yet.
2. i took a break from crocheting blankets and made a scarf. sometimes its nice to make a small project that you can see the outcome quickly.
3. this is the neatest thing i've seen in awhile. they even have King Lear, that being my fav work of shakespeare, followed by richard III.
4. i have a headache. again. they're getting worse and more often. if this shit doesnt stop i swear i'll turn to hard drugs. or at least ones that taste like strawberries.
5. i went to the grocery store yesterday and even thought ahead so i could give the bell ringer some change. i dug up quite a bit and was feeling all good about myself, only to find the bell ringer wasnt there. so i had to jingle around with a heavy purse. it made me think of my grandmother. lol
6. jason's graduation yesterday was nice. it was weird sitting in the audience thinking back on my graduation. sitting near people i cared deeply about. putting on a brave face but feeling very very sad. i felt much better watching jason graduate. there are good things in store for his life.
7. i was just thinking about new years eve. last new yrs i sat home alone and cried when the ball dropped. that really seemed to set the tone for this whole year. this time, i refuse to be alone for new years, even if it means being surrounded by strangers.
(i can do that. since i dont leave the house for work. and here you thought i was being rebellious.)
i feel like numbering things.
1. the billy ray cyrus christmas special is typical cheesy mountain man christmas. i cant help but want to correct his grammar and ask him whether or not his achy breaky heart understands yet.
2. i took a break from crocheting blankets and made a scarf. sometimes its nice to make a small project that you can see the outcome quickly.
3. this is the neatest thing i've seen in awhile. they even have King Lear, that being my fav work of shakespeare, followed by richard III.
4. i have a headache. again. they're getting worse and more often. if this shit doesnt stop i swear i'll turn to hard drugs. or at least ones that taste like strawberries.
5. i went to the grocery store yesterday and even thought ahead so i could give the bell ringer some change. i dug up quite a bit and was feeling all good about myself, only to find the bell ringer wasnt there. so i had to jingle around with a heavy purse. it made me think of my grandmother. lol
6. jason's graduation yesterday was nice. it was weird sitting in the audience thinking back on my graduation. sitting near people i cared deeply about. putting on a brave face but feeling very very sad. i felt much better watching jason graduate. there are good things in store for his life.
7. i was just thinking about new years eve. last new yrs i sat home alone and cried when the ball dropped. that really seemed to set the tone for this whole year. this time, i refuse to be alone for new years, even if it means being surrounded by strangers.
saying thanks
you know me. when i feel like things are a mess i try and fix something for someone else.
so i found this website. send a postcard to soldiers. its easy. you dont even have to get a postcard yourself.
if you love me, you'll do this. (how's that for guilt?)
so i found this website. send a postcard to soldiers. its easy. you dont even have to get a postcard yourself.
if you love me, you'll do this. (how's that for guilt?)
Sunday, December 13, 2009
seriously
if i ever EVER even joke about ever going shopping with bert again, please bust my kneecaps tonya harding style. (or would it be nancy kerrigan style, since it was her knee caps that were busted? either way, tiny tim me.) it is an event that should never happen. and if the crippling doesn't work, please remind me how the sales lady at brooks brothers continued to refer to me as his wife. color me appalled.
its a dreadful rainy day. i'm getting ready to go watch jason graduate. yay for family.
bleh.
its a dreadful rainy day. i'm getting ready to go watch jason graduate. yay for family.
bleh.
Friday, December 11, 2009
half asleep, thats where dreams and demons meet
yes, i am aware it is 7am and i am typing. i've been awake for over an hour. why am i coherent at this time of day? a nightmare.
i dreamed that i woke up on a hospital table with my chest stitched closed and my throat stitched up too. i have no idea about the chest but i knew somehow that the throat they had cut out my voicebox. and i could see my friend rachael on a stretcher next to me and the doctors couldnt figure out what was wrong with her and somehow i knew (though i dont remember now) but i couldnt tell them bc i couldnt talk and i tried to stand up and passed out and thats when i woke up and you know how you associate things in real life, well my throat/neck has felt weird all morning now. gah. do not like.
so let's watch this instead. chris sent it to me and it has a nice beat.
jason is coming over today to put my newly acquired lately given birthday gift of a remote car starter. i felt iffy about the whole thing but its been so ridiculously cold lately that i think it's going to have to be a part of my life. i forget how much i just absolutely hate being cold until it gets cold. which is sad bc its so beautiful outside in this weather.
i painted pottery yesterday evening with lish. it is just so nerdy and fun. i'll give it to mom for christmas. i even put my initials and the date on the bottom like i did when i was in elementary school.
i talked to ben from the land down under last night too. i'm sad bc the family isn't coming to the East Coast this christmas after all. they're spending a month in idaho. bleh. he's trying to convince me to come out for a few days while they are there, and it is very tempting. I've not seen him in, what, 4 years, and the rest of the family in probably 8. i've got the time banked that i could go.... plane tickets are expensive though. yes, i did look into this already. i've got some time but not much to think over this. they'll be here from dec 21 to jan 21. i have always wanted a reason to travel west... we'll see. i'll probably be practical and boring and stay home. but i very much would love to see ben. and the family. and idaho.
i might as well go ahead and get some work done. it's cold in here and i really wish i could be little spoon right now. but you cant always get what you want, now can you.
i dreamed that i woke up on a hospital table with my chest stitched closed and my throat stitched up too. i have no idea about the chest but i knew somehow that the throat they had cut out my voicebox. and i could see my friend rachael on a stretcher next to me and the doctors couldnt figure out what was wrong with her and somehow i knew (though i dont remember now) but i couldnt tell them bc i couldnt talk and i tried to stand up and passed out and thats when i woke up and you know how you associate things in real life, well my throat/neck has felt weird all morning now. gah. do not like.
so let's watch this instead. chris sent it to me and it has a nice beat.
jason is coming over today to put my newly acquired lately given birthday gift of a remote car starter. i felt iffy about the whole thing but its been so ridiculously cold lately that i think it's going to have to be a part of my life. i forget how much i just absolutely hate being cold until it gets cold. which is sad bc its so beautiful outside in this weather.
i painted pottery yesterday evening with lish. it is just so nerdy and fun. i'll give it to mom for christmas. i even put my initials and the date on the bottom like i did when i was in elementary school.
i talked to ben from the land down under last night too. i'm sad bc the family isn't coming to the East Coast this christmas after all. they're spending a month in idaho. bleh. he's trying to convince me to come out for a few days while they are there, and it is very tempting. I've not seen him in, what, 4 years, and the rest of the family in probably 8. i've got the time banked that i could go.... plane tickets are expensive though. yes, i did look into this already. i've got some time but not much to think over this. they'll be here from dec 21 to jan 21. i have always wanted a reason to travel west... we'll see. i'll probably be practical and boring and stay home. but i very much would love to see ben. and the family. and idaho.
i might as well go ahead and get some work done. it's cold in here and i really wish i could be little spoon right now. but you cant always get what you want, now can you.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
even though
even though its cold as bejebus outside, go stand out there for at least a minute and look at the stars.
its a beautiful night.
lovelove
its a beautiful night.
lovelove
i dont have a catchy title
by yesterday evening i was just ready to jump out of my skin. a number of little things set me off resulting in one big explosion, and i just had to get away from myself. luckily i had my crocheting and in trying not to think i completed my second lap blanket (all burgundy) and since i had quite a bit of that color left, and since earlier i'd watched the linda hamilton version of silent night ( you know, the true-ish story about the germans and the US soldiers both being stuck in a cabin with a lady and her kid on christmas eve and they hate each other but in the end they hug and sing silent night and let me tell you, hearing silent night sung in german is one of those things that i love dearly because there is this nice old lady at the church i grew up in who is from germany and she has sung it every christmas that i remember and it always gives me goosebumps) ANYWAY since i was feeling mildly patriotic and i did have the navy and cream color yarn, the third blanket i started on is red white and blue. ish.
i guess its just that even if i'm in a shit mood i cant seem to manage to figure out my own life, i can still do something for someone else, and that makes me feel a little bit better. i have a bad habit of trying to fix things for other people bc i cant seem to figure out the puzzle pieces to fix myself, and that doesnt always work out helping people but at least this way it's just a nice gesture and i dont expect anything from them in return and that makes me feel better and seriously i'm rambling a lot this morning and i know its bc i'm still on edge and i know i'm getting in a worse and worse mood the closer christmas comes and i seriously apologize for that. i wrapped my last present yesterday and i stared at my tree and i listened to judy garland and i did not feel christmasy at all. maybe i'll go cut out some snowflakes like i did in kindergarten.
my dog is freezing to death because i refuse to turn the heat up. she is currently asleep under 3 blankets.
i kind of want to take a vacation and skip christmas and go to the beach or something. but that would probably end up like my last beach trip. and that, my friends would be the worst christmas present ever.
i guess its just that even if i'm in a shit mood i cant seem to manage to figure out my own life, i can still do something for someone else, and that makes me feel a little bit better. i have a bad habit of trying to fix things for other people bc i cant seem to figure out the puzzle pieces to fix myself, and that doesnt always work out helping people but at least this way it's just a nice gesture and i dont expect anything from them in return and that makes me feel better and seriously i'm rambling a lot this morning and i know its bc i'm still on edge and i know i'm getting in a worse and worse mood the closer christmas comes and i seriously apologize for that. i wrapped my last present yesterday and i stared at my tree and i listened to judy garland and i did not feel christmasy at all. maybe i'll go cut out some snowflakes like i did in kindergarten.
my dog is freezing to death because i refuse to turn the heat up. she is currently asleep under 3 blankets.
i kind of want to take a vacation and skip christmas and go to the beach or something. but that would probably end up like my last beach trip. and that, my friends would be the worst christmas present ever.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
here's those sand things i was talking about. as it turns out, i dont really want one anymore.
i'd also like for hallmark christmas movies to stop using the Secret Garden in their storyline to demonstrate how things that are impossible can become possible. because i call bullshit and they offend me by using my favorite book in their garbage movie.
i'd also like for hallmark christmas movies to stop using the Secret Garden in their storyline to demonstrate how things that are impossible can become possible. because i call bullshit and they offend me by using my favorite book in their garbage movie.
snowglobe update
so i had the snowglobe in my sights. with ten seconds to go, i was high bidder.
and then....
some asshole came in in the last 3 seconds and bid a dollar higher and i didnt have time to change my bid. i was so deflated.
but, i guess that just means it wasnt meant for me.
also, tropic thunder is officially the dumbest movie i've seen lately.
also, it typhoon rained last night and i was afraid to come home and find my roof leaking. or worse. but all was sunny and standing when i returned this morning.
i feel better when the sun was out.
and then....
some asshole came in in the last 3 seconds and bid a dollar higher and i didnt have time to change my bid. i was so deflated.
but, i guess that just means it wasnt meant for me.
also, tropic thunder is officially the dumbest movie i've seen lately.
also, it typhoon rained last night and i was afraid to come home and find my roof leaking. or worse. but all was sunny and standing when i returned this morning.
i feel better when the sun was out.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
why ebay is both good and bad for my soul
since being home so much lately i've had more opportunity to tool around ebay. this is both a good and bad thing.
i am currently in a bidding war on a snow globe. i will give you thirty seconds to mock me, starting now.
no but seriously. i love snowglobes so much but i never find ones i like bc i dont like overly christmasy ones and i dont like angels or carousel horses. i do think i'm going to start acquiring those cheesy plastic ones in touristy gift shops. but the one i found is so neat. its a ferris wheel. i know we've discussed my love of ferris wheels on here. this one is ww2 era from austria. how neat is that? but someone else out there also finds it awesome. and i'm nearing that price i put in my mind that i will not cross. and if that happens i will be a sad panda.
so thats the baddish portion. the good is that in a round about way ebay has accidentally made me feel better about myself. so i get many of my old black and white photos on this magical bidding site. in fact i just bought some of a far away land of people i dont understand. but in looking through the photos i always break it into the subcategory of original print, pre-1950, black and white. and do you know what most of the photos are? half naked women. and some very attractive half naked women to be more specific. with their garter belts and thigh highs and bustiers. and i think they are just absolutely gorgeous. and it made me feel alittle bit better about the way i look, bc i'm built more like the bettie pages of the world than the twiggys. in the famous words of sir mix-a-lot, i've 'got much back.' and i feel like i have to justify that in no way is this me being narcissistic, bc we all know i have the self esteem of a rock. but i just like seeing real women of real sizes and being able to admit that they are beautiful.
completely different topic- the number of times the Life Alert commercial is on the Hallmark Channel during the day is astounding. for reals.
but back to ebay. i'm looking for 2 things on there because of memories. one is a cameo necklace bc i remember my great grandmother wearing one and i thought it was the most beautiful thing ever. and the other, i cant figure out what it was called which has really hindered the whole locating process. i'll describe it and if you know what its called, you tell me, ok? for lack of a better term i want to call it a horizon sand art. its rectangular and the long portions are 2 panes of glass. well, i guess its 2 glass panes with a framing thing around it but theres space btwn the panes of glass for water and sand or metal shavings or whatever it is. so that when you rotate it the sand falls slowly in cool and unique patterns. my mom's dad had one and i remember that the glass was a strange purpleish color and the sand inside was grey and black so that when it fell it looked so cool and i could sit and stare at it forever. it looked like what i imagined the sand dunes of the sahara to look like.
so that is my ramble for the day. i hope you all are staying warm and happy. i love you all in my own screwed up way, the best way that i know how.
i am currently in a bidding war on a snow globe. i will give you thirty seconds to mock me, starting now.
no but seriously. i love snowglobes so much but i never find ones i like bc i dont like overly christmasy ones and i dont like angels or carousel horses. i do think i'm going to start acquiring those cheesy plastic ones in touristy gift shops. but the one i found is so neat. its a ferris wheel. i know we've discussed my love of ferris wheels on here. this one is ww2 era from austria. how neat is that? but someone else out there also finds it awesome. and i'm nearing that price i put in my mind that i will not cross. and if that happens i will be a sad panda.
so thats the baddish portion. the good is that in a round about way ebay has accidentally made me feel better about myself. so i get many of my old black and white photos on this magical bidding site. in fact i just bought some of a far away land of people i dont understand. but in looking through the photos i always break it into the subcategory of original print, pre-1950, black and white. and do you know what most of the photos are? half naked women. and some very attractive half naked women to be more specific. with their garter belts and thigh highs and bustiers. and i think they are just absolutely gorgeous. and it made me feel alittle bit better about the way i look, bc i'm built more like the bettie pages of the world than the twiggys. in the famous words of sir mix-a-lot, i've 'got much back.' and i feel like i have to justify that in no way is this me being narcissistic, bc we all know i have the self esteem of a rock. but i just like seeing real women of real sizes and being able to admit that they are beautiful.
completely different topic- the number of times the Life Alert commercial is on the Hallmark Channel during the day is astounding. for reals.
but back to ebay. i'm looking for 2 things on there because of memories. one is a cameo necklace bc i remember my great grandmother wearing one and i thought it was the most beautiful thing ever. and the other, i cant figure out what it was called which has really hindered the whole locating process. i'll describe it and if you know what its called, you tell me, ok? for lack of a better term i want to call it a horizon sand art. its rectangular and the long portions are 2 panes of glass. well, i guess its 2 glass panes with a framing thing around it but theres space btwn the panes of glass for water and sand or metal shavings or whatever it is. so that when you rotate it the sand falls slowly in cool and unique patterns. my mom's dad had one and i remember that the glass was a strange purpleish color and the sand inside was grey and black so that when it fell it looked so cool and i could sit and stare at it forever. it looked like what i imagined the sand dunes of the sahara to look like.
so that is my ramble for the day. i hope you all are staying warm and happy. i love you all in my own screwed up way, the best way that i know how.
Monday, December 7, 2009
cabin fever cabin fever cabin fever
so as you can possibly tell from the title, this whole working from home thing isn't copacetic with me, kids. As soon as my workday was over i ran away to berts house bc i knew he'd be home and he seems entertained when i'm around. i even talked him into pizza hut pizza which happens about as often as i win the lotto.
so i'm trying to find new ways to break up my day so i don't go batty. today it was to dance around to Radar Love (which, holy shatner I forgot what a great catchy song this is) in the manner of Tom Cruise in Risky Business. except i guess you'd replace the whole tighty whitey business with a snuggie.but you better believe i had the sunglasses. and a tiny dog staring at me like i'm the crazy one in this household.
i got an email from bethany that brightened my whole day, which i really needed. bc every show on tv today was about people cheating on people and that did not at all put me in the holiday spirit. that made me stew, and we all know i shouldn't ever do that. but B made me feel better about a lot of things, including keeping this blog up. it may be rambling nonsense, but i genuinely mean all of it. so thanks, B, I heart you muchly.
i have the hiccups and it is unacceptable.
so i was discussing the wonders of giant gummy bears with the Cash Register Jockey and we pondered how wonderful it would be to melt and create your own gianormus gummy. and i found this and you better believe it's going to be a part of my life in the near future. I was going to go buy gummies tonight, but i fell asleep watching Planet Earth. which is also a shame bc it was a very good episode about mountains.
i want sushi. i think perhaps i will also make that a part of my life tomorrow.
goodnight readers. have lovely dreams of hairbands from holland singing to you about a thing and its called Radar Love.
lovelove
so i'm trying to find new ways to break up my day so i don't go batty. today it was to dance around to Radar Love (which, holy shatner I forgot what a great catchy song this is) in the manner of Tom Cruise in Risky Business. except i guess you'd replace the whole tighty whitey business with a snuggie.but you better believe i had the sunglasses. and a tiny dog staring at me like i'm the crazy one in this household.
i got an email from bethany that brightened my whole day, which i really needed. bc every show on tv today was about people cheating on people and that did not at all put me in the holiday spirit. that made me stew, and we all know i shouldn't ever do that. but B made me feel better about a lot of things, including keeping this blog up. it may be rambling nonsense, but i genuinely mean all of it. so thanks, B, I heart you muchly.
i have the hiccups and it is unacceptable.
so i was discussing the wonders of giant gummy bears with the Cash Register Jockey and we pondered how wonderful it would be to melt and create your own gianormus gummy. and i found this and you better believe it's going to be a part of my life in the near future. I was going to go buy gummies tonight, but i fell asleep watching Planet Earth. which is also a shame bc it was a very good episode about mountains.
i want sushi. i think perhaps i will also make that a part of my life tomorrow.
goodnight readers. have lovely dreams of hairbands from holland singing to you about a thing and its called Radar Love.
lovelove
Sunday, December 6, 2009
obligations and dreams
well i made it through the holiday party, sweethearts. i actually had a very fun time this year, once we got past the obligatory awkward cocktail hour.
the drive up was ridiculous. apparently PA is worse about cleaning roads than WV is. granted, we took every backroad that google maps could throw at us, but, we made it. and then after winding our way through the resort to find our room (i still yet to know where the starbucks is that is supposedly by the elevator that supposedly would take us right there) it was smooth sailing. we stayed in a different part of the resort this year, which meant only 1 king size bed instead of 2 in each room. but, it was still ridiculously nice and it was so pretty with the christmas lights and the greenery and snow.
i had a good time this year bc i actually know my coworkers better and could enjoy myself. i won a very snazzy, very overpriced nemacolin sweatshirt that i am enjoying as we speak. and obviously my favorite part of the evening was dessert. needless to say between the open bar at the party and then going to the tavern til 3am with everyone, my world was a little spinny by the time i finally got to bed. but! i can proudly state that even inebriated i could name over half of the russian royalty (if you will) painted on the set of nesting dolls on display. nerd? umyes.
so yes. after making it home i took LJ out to lunch for dogsitting and for getting my tree out of the building. i hadnt mentioned this, but i had decided not to put it up this year. i just didnt see the point since i dont have anyone to enjoy it with. but after waking up to the snow yesterday and thinking about things and what i care about and what ppl care about for me, i decided that maybe if i put up the tree there will be some sort of christmas magic in my life, one way or another. so LJ and i put the tree up and decorated it this afternoon (btw never leave him in charge of lights, bc he wont take the time to untangle them but instead will just throw them in a bunch in a lower corner and call it art.) so after he left i laid under the tree for a little while, listening to judy garland wishing me to have myself a merry little christmas, and smelling like maple syrup. (oh yes. at lunch today i managed to sit in a ginormus pool of syrup. and stuck to the chair. embarrassing? myes.) and it was just a nice moment. i need little moments i think, to keep my chin up.
all in all, it was a good weekend. i got blue a couple times, like when i stood out on our balcony in the middle of the night watching it snow and be beautiful and christmasy. and the drive home was beautiful bc even though it was backwoods fuckery of a road that we had to take a run at 3 times, the snow on the trees and the farmhouses all decked out in their bows and greenery, it was both beautiful and lonely.
much love to you readers. i'm glad you're there for me.
the drive up was ridiculous. apparently PA is worse about cleaning roads than WV is. granted, we took every backroad that google maps could throw at us, but, we made it. and then after winding our way through the resort to find our room (i still yet to know where the starbucks is that is supposedly by the elevator that supposedly would take us right there) it was smooth sailing. we stayed in a different part of the resort this year, which meant only 1 king size bed instead of 2 in each room. but, it was still ridiculously nice and it was so pretty with the christmas lights and the greenery and snow.
i had a good time this year bc i actually know my coworkers better and could enjoy myself. i won a very snazzy, very overpriced nemacolin sweatshirt that i am enjoying as we speak. and obviously my favorite part of the evening was dessert. needless to say between the open bar at the party and then going to the tavern til 3am with everyone, my world was a little spinny by the time i finally got to bed. but! i can proudly state that even inebriated i could name over half of the russian royalty (if you will) painted on the set of nesting dolls on display. nerd? umyes.
so yes. after making it home i took LJ out to lunch for dogsitting and for getting my tree out of the building. i hadnt mentioned this, but i had decided not to put it up this year. i just didnt see the point since i dont have anyone to enjoy it with. but after waking up to the snow yesterday and thinking about things and what i care about and what ppl care about for me, i decided that maybe if i put up the tree there will be some sort of christmas magic in my life, one way or another. so LJ and i put the tree up and decorated it this afternoon (btw never leave him in charge of lights, bc he wont take the time to untangle them but instead will just throw them in a bunch in a lower corner and call it art.) so after he left i laid under the tree for a little while, listening to judy garland wishing me to have myself a merry little christmas, and smelling like maple syrup. (oh yes. at lunch today i managed to sit in a ginormus pool of syrup. and stuck to the chair. embarrassing? myes.) and it was just a nice moment. i need little moments i think, to keep my chin up.
all in all, it was a good weekend. i got blue a couple times, like when i stood out on our balcony in the middle of the night watching it snow and be beautiful and christmasy. and the drive home was beautiful bc even though it was backwoods fuckery of a road that we had to take a run at 3 times, the snow on the trees and the farmhouses all decked out in their bows and greenery, it was both beautiful and lonely.
much love to you readers. i'm glad you're there for me.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Friday, December 4, 2009
actually dreaming of a white christmas
it's official. i have the winter blues. i'd held off, thinking if i kept myself occupied then it wouldnt happen.
but the half eaten roll of cookie dough says otherwise. i feel like i might hurl now.
i had unsettling dreams all night last night. one's i'd rather forget. they were the wishes of sorts. and then waking up to a freezing room with a sad looking dog. lets just say i was glad that i got to go have lunch with friends today. but. here i am again. bleh.
tomorrow is the smarmy work christmas party. here's hoping there is no ridiculous shenannigans this year on behalf of my pseudo date. all else, at least i'll get to have that olympic size bathtub to enjoy. and i'll have friends there. thats a big plus.
a lot has changed since this time last year. and then a lot of things are exactly the same.
my fortune cookie said something along the lines of you cant always hope for a good hand, but the ability to play the cards you're dealt.
i spend a lot of my day reminding myself of the good things in my life.
and reminding myself that i am not sad.
lovelove
but the half eaten roll of cookie dough says otherwise. i feel like i might hurl now.
i had unsettling dreams all night last night. one's i'd rather forget. they were the wishes of sorts. and then waking up to a freezing room with a sad looking dog. lets just say i was glad that i got to go have lunch with friends today. but. here i am again. bleh.
tomorrow is the smarmy work christmas party. here's hoping there is no ridiculous shenannigans this year on behalf of my pseudo date. all else, at least i'll get to have that olympic size bathtub to enjoy. and i'll have friends there. thats a big plus.
a lot has changed since this time last year. and then a lot of things are exactly the same.
my fortune cookie said something along the lines of you cant always hope for a good hand, but the ability to play the cards you're dealt.
i spend a lot of my day reminding myself of the good things in my life.
and reminding myself that i am not sad.
lovelove
Thursday, December 3, 2009
midweek breakdown. on so may levels.
so. it's taking some time to get used to this working from home. dont get me wrong, i'm getting my work done, and then some. but i'm also wrapping christmas gifts and doing laundry and BAKING and cleaning and working on my nursing home blankets and and and.. i feel like i need a break already. plus, as much as i like my own space, sometimes i just need human interaction. maybe i wasnt hugged enough as a baby. i just need ppl. bleh
and then today. today i had a moment.a moment carried over from yesterday. that sinking feeling in my stomach, dont know what i'm doing dont know why things happen why are there sad and lonely people in this world feeling. and the more i try to explain it away or help people or whatever, the less it makes sense.
i dont want to give up on humanity. bc there are so many good people in this world. so many funny little kids that will tell you about how they want a cell phone for christmas. but it seems like the ones you want to help the most are the ones who run from it, make it impossible. the ones who need it the most are the ones who dont want it.
maybe its bc i have yet another migraine. maybe its bc mom thinks i need to go to urgent care and figure out why i'm sick. but i'm just in the dumps today. everyone has their christmas dreams and only a lucky few get them in real life.
i just need to put on my big girl panties and get on with things. because somethings you cant change. other's you can. i've tried to long to change the unchangable. is that even a word, probably not. theres so many things i just want to scream out. but screaming wont change them. nothing will.
sorry this was such a downer post everyone. to make it up, i'll show you something funny. look at how much the same, and yet different i've become in the past 20 years.
i do not know if the 4 year old me would be happy with what i've become. but i'm trying. i'm trying so very very hard.
and then today. today i had a moment.a moment carried over from yesterday. that sinking feeling in my stomach, dont know what i'm doing dont know why things happen why are there sad and lonely people in this world feeling. and the more i try to explain it away or help people or whatever, the less it makes sense.
i dont want to give up on humanity. bc there are so many good people in this world. so many funny little kids that will tell you about how they want a cell phone for christmas. but it seems like the ones you want to help the most are the ones who run from it, make it impossible. the ones who need it the most are the ones who dont want it.
maybe its bc i have yet another migraine. maybe its bc mom thinks i need to go to urgent care and figure out why i'm sick. but i'm just in the dumps today. everyone has their christmas dreams and only a lucky few get them in real life.
i just need to put on my big girl panties and get on with things. because somethings you cant change. other's you can. i've tried to long to change the unchangable. is that even a word, probably not. theres so many things i just want to scream out. but screaming wont change them. nothing will.
sorry this was such a downer post everyone. to make it up, i'll show you something funny. look at how much the same, and yet different i've become in the past 20 years.
i do not know if the 4 year old me would be happy with what i've become. but i'm trying. i'm trying so very very hard.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
i'm taking a break from working. i've actually done quite a bit today and am proud of myself.
the point of this ramble (and oh, its going to be a rambling mess) is thinking about movies. we all kknow i relate to movies and i can only say half the things i need to say through quoting something else . today i was informed that my life is more align with Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind than Everything is Illuminated. this isn't the first time i've heard this. so i sat down and put it on in the background as i worked. and i can see it. i go full force into things i believe in not knowing they're going to bite me in the ass. i try to erase everything bad from my memory so that it cant hurt me anymore, and well, i change my hair like i change socks.
the point of this is there isnt a point. but there are quotes that i like.
Clementine: So go.
Joel: I did. I thought maybe you were a nut... but you were exciting.
Clementine: I wish you had stayed.
Joel: I wish I had stayed to. NOW I wish I had stayed. I wish I had done a lot of things. I wish I had... I wish I had stayed. I do.
Clementine: You're married.
Joel: Not yet, not married. No, I'm not married.
Clementine: Look man, I'm telling you right off the bat, I'm high-maintainance, so... I'm not gonna tip-toe around your marriage, or whatever it is you've got goin' there. If you wanna be with me, you're with me.
Joel: Okay.
Clementine: Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours.
Joel: I remember that speech really well.
Clementine: I had you pegged, didn't I?
Joel: You had the whole human race pegged.
Clementine: Hmm. Probably.
Joel: I still thought you were gonna save my life... even after that.
Clementine: Ohhh... I know.
Joel: It would be different, if we could just give it another go-round.
Clementine: Remember me. Try your best; maybe we can.
Joel: Look at it out here, it's all falling apart. I'm erasing you and I'm happy!
Clementine: What are you, NUTS?
Joel: It's been suggested.
Clementine: I apply my personality in a paste
there was no point to this post.
the point of this ramble (and oh, its going to be a rambling mess) is thinking about movies. we all kknow i relate to movies and i can only say half the things i need to say through quoting something else . today i was informed that my life is more align with Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind than Everything is Illuminated. this isn't the first time i've heard this. so i sat down and put it on in the background as i worked. and i can see it. i go full force into things i believe in not knowing they're going to bite me in the ass. i try to erase everything bad from my memory so that it cant hurt me anymore, and well, i change my hair like i change socks.
the point of this is there isnt a point. but there are quotes that i like.
Clementine: So go.
Joel: I did. I thought maybe you were a nut... but you were exciting.
Clementine: I wish you had stayed.
Joel: I wish I had stayed to. NOW I wish I had stayed. I wish I had done a lot of things. I wish I had... I wish I had stayed. I do.
Clementine: You're married.
Joel: Not yet, not married. No, I'm not married.
Clementine: Look man, I'm telling you right off the bat, I'm high-maintainance, so... I'm not gonna tip-toe around your marriage, or whatever it is you've got goin' there. If you wanna be with me, you're with me.
Joel: Okay.
Clementine: Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours.
Joel: I remember that speech really well.
Clementine: I had you pegged, didn't I?
Joel: You had the whole human race pegged.
Clementine: Hmm. Probably.
Joel: I still thought you were gonna save my life... even after that.
Clementine: Ohhh... I know.
Joel: It would be different, if we could just give it another go-round.
Clementine: Remember me. Try your best; maybe we can.
Joel: Look at it out here, it's all falling apart. I'm erasing you and I'm happy!
Clementine: What are you, NUTS?
Joel: It's been suggested.
Clementine: I apply my personality in a paste
there was no point to this post.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
AVP
if alien and predator mated, i'm pretty sure their spawn would look like:
me. age 1 week.
i will be the first to admit i was NOT a cute baby. though my mohawk would have made Mr T proud.
me. age 1 week.i will be the first to admit i was NOT a cute baby. though my mohawk would have made Mr T proud.
You have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile
so the grinch song is catchy. so catchy that (picture this if you will) when it came on at the grocery store, i immediately started singing it in my grinchy-est of voices and walking on my tippy toes. let me just state that i thought no was around to witness this. it turns out there was a miniature person behind me, giggling and copying me. i would say this miniature person was 5 or so. we got to talking about the grinch (she likes cindy lou who, OBVIOUSLY) and what she wants for christmas (a cell phone. i mean really?) and then her mom dragged her away bc she thought she was bothering me. little kids definitely do not bother me. i could have stood in the cereal aisle talking to for hours. i do know everything about sponge bob squarepants, after all. but it was just a nice funny moment in my otherwise boring day.
i bought stuff to bake cookies while i'm home working tomorrow. i thought that would be a good thing. and i might try to clean up so i can put up my sad-ass christmas tree. i think that i'll get a lot done just so i dont go crazy working from home, which we were just told may last til the new year. oy.
anyway. i'm feeling half happy and half grinchy. i guess thats better than all grinchy.
lovelove.
i bought stuff to bake cookies while i'm home working tomorrow. i thought that would be a good thing. and i might try to clean up so i can put up my sad-ass christmas tree. i think that i'll get a lot done just so i dont go crazy working from home, which we were just told may last til the new year. oy.
anyway. i'm feeling half happy and half grinchy. i guess thats better than all grinchy.
lovelove.
Do Happy
So i forgot to mention in my late night ramble that by keeping this job i'll be working from home for a little while. in all the mess, this company is getting kicked out of the office space and the deal hasnt finalized for new space (i'm hoping its over by starbucks. there goes my whole raise!), so until something happens, business casual is currently sweatpants and my transformers tshirt. half of me likes it but the other half NEEDS TO SEE PEOPLE.
but i'm feeling better and better about this decision. i'm making good changes in my life and feeling, if not necessarily better, more understanding about some things. i'm always learning. and for that i can at least be greatful. sure, i'm still going to get down in the dumps and wish a lot of things had worked out differently. but at least i know without a doubt it has never been for the lack of me trying. and in that, the point of this blog, sorta. on twitter i follow a couple random inspirational/motivational/whatever sites that definitely fulfill that whole 'food for thought' aspect of my day. my favorite is tinybuddha. and one of the most recent quotes posted caused one of those ah ha! moments for me. "Some people think it’s holding on that makes one strong—sometimes it’s letting go.” ~Unknown There was an article attached, which you can find here. reading that article i felt like it was wrote just for me. that angry, resentful, distrusting person is me. and i've held on to that person, that anger, for a very very long time. i know its not healthy for me. i know i'm not going to find those good things in life as long as i hold onto that. and i know its time to let it go.
and let me tell you, letting go is hard. forgiving the person who has hurt you more than anyone on the planet is officially the hardest thing to do. i've forgiven family, i've forgiven strangers. but the hardest thing i've ever had to do is forgive someone who hurt you with love. so i'm working on that. i'm working on forgiving. and i'm working on forgiving myself. because for a long time i thought if i did this or that, if i was stronger, if i was more supportive, if i said it enough... but no. that wasnt the case. i was strong, i was supportive, and no one on the planet doubted i said it enough. and it's just as hard to forgive myself for lying to myself that things would work out the way i thought they must. changing my hair fiery red again, it felt good this time. not a hiding myself, needing to be someone different. but this time, its the me i am. i'm obnoxious and i have a stupid laugh and when i fall in love i'm head over ass on cloud 9. i hate socks and i love little kids laughter and i trust even when i know i shouldnt. and i forgive myself for thinking that any of that was a bad thing or somehow wrong. bc i'm exactly who i'm supposed to be. and its hard to remember that sometimes. and while i'm in no way saying i'm positive and chipper (bc lets face it, chipper just wasnt written in my genetic code) at least i'm working on not being so angry. bc i think thats why i was sick for so long. i let the anger take over and it physically destroyed me. so i'm physically and emotionally fighting myself every step of the way to let go and do happy.
i dont know why i'm posting this. maybe its to to remind myself that i can do this down the road when i slip up and get sad. i know i'm going to be sad on christmas. bc this christmas i wont be with the people i love most in this world. one of those people is going to forever be a stranger. but, that isnt my choice and i have to get past it. it wont be easy, but knowing that i can be happy and positive and have more good in my life (bc i'll be the first to admit i do have good things, people, etc in my life, as is evident from my thanksgiving thankful posts which i'm glad i did to remind me) is very good encouragement.
for a long time i thought i needed someone in my life. as it turns out, i did need someone, i needed me. i'd lost me along the way, and i'm working very hard to find me again. happiness is something we're all due.
lovelove to all
but i'm feeling better and better about this decision. i'm making good changes in my life and feeling, if not necessarily better, more understanding about some things. i'm always learning. and for that i can at least be greatful. sure, i'm still going to get down in the dumps and wish a lot of things had worked out differently. but at least i know without a doubt it has never been for the lack of me trying. and in that, the point of this blog, sorta. on twitter i follow a couple random inspirational/motivational/whatever sites that definitely fulfill that whole 'food for thought' aspect of my day. my favorite is tinybuddha. and one of the most recent quotes posted caused one of those ah ha! moments for me. "Some people think it’s holding on that makes one strong—sometimes it’s letting go.” ~Unknown There was an article attached, which you can find here. reading that article i felt like it was wrote just for me. that angry, resentful, distrusting person is me. and i've held on to that person, that anger, for a very very long time. i know its not healthy for me. i know i'm not going to find those good things in life as long as i hold onto that. and i know its time to let it go.
and let me tell you, letting go is hard. forgiving the person who has hurt you more than anyone on the planet is officially the hardest thing to do. i've forgiven family, i've forgiven strangers. but the hardest thing i've ever had to do is forgive someone who hurt you with love. so i'm working on that. i'm working on forgiving. and i'm working on forgiving myself. because for a long time i thought if i did this or that, if i was stronger, if i was more supportive, if i said it enough... but no. that wasnt the case. i was strong, i was supportive, and no one on the planet doubted i said it enough. and it's just as hard to forgive myself for lying to myself that things would work out the way i thought they must. changing my hair fiery red again, it felt good this time. not a hiding myself, needing to be someone different. but this time, its the me i am. i'm obnoxious and i have a stupid laugh and when i fall in love i'm head over ass on cloud 9. i hate socks and i love little kids laughter and i trust even when i know i shouldnt. and i forgive myself for thinking that any of that was a bad thing or somehow wrong. bc i'm exactly who i'm supposed to be. and its hard to remember that sometimes. and while i'm in no way saying i'm positive and chipper (bc lets face it, chipper just wasnt written in my genetic code) at least i'm working on not being so angry. bc i think thats why i was sick for so long. i let the anger take over and it physically destroyed me. so i'm physically and emotionally fighting myself every step of the way to let go and do happy.
i dont know why i'm posting this. maybe its to to remind myself that i can do this down the road when i slip up and get sad. i know i'm going to be sad on christmas. bc this christmas i wont be with the people i love most in this world. one of those people is going to forever be a stranger. but, that isnt my choice and i have to get past it. it wont be easy, but knowing that i can be happy and positive and have more good in my life (bc i'll be the first to admit i do have good things, people, etc in my life, as is evident from my thanksgiving thankful posts which i'm glad i did to remind me) is very good encouragement.
for a long time i thought i needed someone in my life. as it turns out, i did need someone, i needed me. i'd lost me along the way, and i'm working very hard to find me again. happiness is something we're all due.
lovelove to all
life update
yes, kids it is 3am. i cant sleep.
so it came down to the wire today and i decided to stay with my current company. when it was all said and done, the promised money was the same, this company's benefits were better (and cheaper), and the work promised me is far more interesting (and far more something i can't outright discuss. shaaaady). i am 87% sure i feel good about my decision. i still crave change in my life, but that old logical andrea came out and reminded me how much better this choice would look in the long run. i'm still looking at other options down the line because i refuse to live in this town forever.
but i'm not going to lie and say i didn't wake up and freak out and wonder where my life is going right now.
in other news, i thought my christmas shopping was dunzo but its not. i still have to find something for the hardest person alive to shop for. my dad. any suggestions???
i should get back to sleep. or at least try to.
goodnight all!
so it came down to the wire today and i decided to stay with my current company. when it was all said and done, the promised money was the same, this company's benefits were better (and cheaper), and the work promised me is far more interesting (and far more something i can't outright discuss. shaaaady). i am 87% sure i feel good about my decision. i still crave change in my life, but that old logical andrea came out and reminded me how much better this choice would look in the long run. i'm still looking at other options down the line because i refuse to live in this town forever.
but i'm not going to lie and say i didn't wake up and freak out and wonder where my life is going right now.
in other news, i thought my christmas shopping was dunzo but its not. i still have to find something for the hardest person alive to shop for. my dad. any suggestions???
i should get back to sleep. or at least try to.
goodnight all!
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