there are reasons...

...why i should never go to walgreens. i stop in to get laundry detergent. LAUNDRY DETERGENT, PEOPLE. and what do i come out with?

-shaving gel
-a new hair brush
-lotion
-double stuff oreos
-an orange cream cadbury
-dark hair dye

what do i not come out with?

-DETERGENT. EFF.


so having committed to impulse buying this hair dye i figured why not homie. i havent seen a shade close to my natural hair in awhile. so i present to you, this month's hair color (ignore the wonky face, i had to concentrate, people!):
i'm effing hip in my sweatpants, dont lie.

so what do we think? good or too emo?

my home among the hills

with the big win this weekend, there have been, obviously, a slew of articles written about the team and about west virginia in general. some have been bad, but this one really stuck out to me. particularly this part:

You come from a place like West Virginina and you're always being told what you can't do. It's too rural, too poor, too, well, too just West Virginian. If you're going ot succeed you have to leave, go off to somewhere bigger and fancier. It's how it's worked for generations. THe possibilities are limited at home, limitless away. So off they go-- many of the best and brightest seeking success elsewhere even as they carry their home state pride with them forever.

It's not coal that is West Virginia's greatest export. It's people.


and that gave me cold chills. both good and bad. bc most people i know have become exports. hell, for all intents and purposes i may become an export. and on one hand it makes me sad, and the other its an adventure. but its true, people from WV, no matter where they may be, they keep a part of this state with them. the coal and soil and water and air is in our bloodstream, the mountains and stars in our soul. there are no people in the world like those from West Virginia and I dare you to disagree. we are of the land and we appreciate it like few others. and no matter how far away we may move there is always a piece of our heart here. like there has been and will be for generations. those of us born and raised here are a part of a long history of heartbreak. and we learn from it. we grow from it. we're proud of it. it's who we are. and mountaineers are always free.

a thousand places better than this

i had a whole post written out in my head last night, but getting out of bed wasn't worth the rambling mess that would have been put on the interwebz for you to scratch your head over. i was not quite stewing, so maybe i was souping (harharhar) over the places we all are in our lives right now. i'd had a very good conversation with dawn over the course of the weekend where i just really had to rehash a lot of things that i've been saying on here, been saying to myself, and havent allowed to let myself say at all.

i'll be the first to say that i feel like i'm on my way to a good place. i still dont know what the end result is, i know it's not what i had expected, but i feel its a good thing. the only thing i can think about to compare it to is one of those choose your own adventure books. you come to a point where you slay the dragon or swim across the swamp. once you do it you cant go back because you cant rewrite your story. you just have to see your choices through. you'll remember each step and learn from each turn of the page, but you cant ever relive it.

i think from this standpoint, i miss some people, and i always will, but i genuinely wish them happiness in their own adventure. maybe in 50 pages we'll meet back up in a different scenario, maybe we're written out of each other's story forever. i do not know. but all you can do is hope for the best and fight that dragon.

or maybe the Beatles describe it better with "In My Life."

i dont know if this even makes sense. i have a headache behind my eyes and cant concentrate. its the weather. it makes me weepy. i just want to curl up and be loved on.

lovelove

and i do it out of spite

since i've been taking this pottery class, the stranger has (jokingly) said that anyone can make a bowl but if i were a real artist (which i'm not, but for the sake of the story...) that i would sculpt a giraffe. and i've heard this every week. and i ignored it every week. until today.

i was at rachael's and she was working on a project with modeling clay and told me to do whatever i wanted. so for shits i started putting together a giraffe head.

and she said it really did look like a giraffe head. so i figured, eh, i've come this far, might as well see it all the way through. and it came out like this:


now. at first i tried to make it stand up. i think you'd have to put rods in its legs to get that to happen. i do not have any material around here to use as adequate rods (it has a bobby pin holding it's neck up on the inside) long enough for legs. so i tried to make it look like it was sitting down in a chilling out position. well when i baked it in the oven (first time my oven has been turned on in...well...awhile) its legs got a little wonky. but it has a real tail, its head at least looks ok, and i took the time to paint the damn spots. i think i pretty much win this one.

almost heaven, always free

do you know how hard it is to get a photo of the state in the right direction?
lets go mounties. i really need you to win today, bc i dont think i can handle the stranger gloating if we dont.

thinkin and thinkin

i've been thinking (when don't we?) and i've felt, overall, pretty good this last week. maybe thats bc of the sunshine, maybe its bc the drugs are working, maybe its bc i'm finally starting to be in a better (i wont say good, exactly, but i will say better) place with myself. and it's weird to look at something from, maybe not the other side, maybe not from something better, but from something different.

i dont know. i cant explain it. i miss some things, but i know whatever this is is 8000% healthier.

and i have this song stuck in my head.

however all that aside, its nice to be called buttercup, and it not be used to hurt my feelings.

pottering around

so i went to my last pottery class of the session. and an extra night. and signed up for the next session and shelled out my two hundred dollars. i frankly think it is more than worth the money as it has probably had a 50/50 percentage of what has kept me sane lately. but i painted/carved my last seven pots. tomorrow is mammaw's bday, so i painted one for her with dogwood flowers. complete with shading. (it wont be gray colored once it's fired)
it was completely accidental that it worked out like that that it looks like it connects from the inside.

here are some others i finished up:



i like the blue one on the right. i thought i had jacked it up, but it turned out to look like the ocean and sky, and those are my two things.

and finally, this one isn't as pretty, but it's the one that that i want to get for my tattoo (different font though. and a bird that actually looks like a bird.)

it looks like its going to be a dreary weekend. but maybe thats ok. i really need to make myself clean house, and since i have nothin to do, i have no excuse not to do it. right? right?

tired

1. work in the burgh was long. it made my brain leak. i got 25 hrs in for this week already.

2. we got to have dinner at The Thai Place (really it's name) and drinks at some bar that i cant remember the name of with jenny and her man. The dinner was good and so was the company.

3. I dreamed I danced in a talent show to Europe's "The Final Countdown"

4. I got home in time to get some work done at pottery, and was excited to see that 4 of my pieces had been fired. you can tell that two were early pieces and suck city. so here they are:

sorry i dont have anything more exciting to say today. i am tired.

the one in which i stretch like a satisfied cat.

the sun is out. have you seen it? it's glorious. i feel two whole points better just because of the sun.

i'm enjoying what time i have before i have to go to pburgh for the next several days for work. we are not thrilled by this, but, it's work and i get to hang out with friends, so, it should even out.

wvu plays this afternoon. i'm getting more and more nervous that we're going to end up playing kentucky, and if that happens i refuse to talk to the stranger. however, if i refuse to talk, i cant get my back scratched, and that in itself would be bad.

i also realized how much my screwy sleep schedule effects other people last night, which reminded me that i should take my sleeping pills on this business trip so i dont annoy anyone. normal people sleep at night. i have to go to the living room and watch the george lopez marathon from 4 to 730 this morning. dear george lopez, you are not that funny, love andrea. but i have been without a roommate or whatever for so long that i have no concept of needing real sleep and not waking people up. i had forgotten people dont like being kicked and tossing and turning. it's boo boo garbage. but hey, the sun is out. that makes things a lot better to wake up to when you finally get to sleep. among other things. catstretch.

in other non sleep related news, i had a great dinner yesterday (at yesterdays, to be specific) with ranae. it is always great to see someone from home and just be able to catch up on life for a couple of hours. it's good to talk about all my ups and downs and medications and side effects and different stuff like that, in person and not just on here. and i never thought i'd say that, bc i am still very very embarrassed by it all even though i shouldnt be because so many people are in the same situation i am. it's not just something i am making up. it's real and it's something i put off dealing with for too long.

but. i need to get off here. have to finish (start) packing and go work on some pottery since i may miss it this week.

love and sunshine.

the one in which i embarrass myself...

...for the good of humanity, as an example of why they say to NOT have alcohol while on antidepressants/anti-anxiety medication. i have to tell you though, if it wasnt how boo boo garbage i feel like today, i would say it shouldn't matter. alcohol hit me like a ton of bricks. which is cheaper, which is good.

this is officially the most embarrassing thing i've posted on here, and i've really got some head-smackingly embarrassing stuff strewn across the internet for you people to read (that i'm crazy, the Situation (not the jersey shore fucktard), hurting myself shoveling snow, etc etc.) but i figure, at least i'm always good for a laugh. I can see the CRJ cackling at this, and after the freak snowstorm they just had out west, he needs it.

and before i start, a couple of points.

1. apparently i was bound and determined to do this because i tried several times and also tried to post it, which i found this morning not posted.
2. i can keep a tune pretty well but i am definitely all scratchy and lower from being around smokers all evening (side note, that is one thing i really like about DC is that the bars are non-smoking and you dont smell like an ashtray when you get home)
3. I have no idea what show i got distracted by.
4. you cant see my hands, but there is another one i found and i managed to conduct with miraculous precision, including getting all the bell-crashes correctly and hitting the softer/louder parts spot on.
5. we never NEVER speak of this again.

exclamation point times twelve

so i got to ride the segway at work today. i cant begin to tell you how incredibly fun it is. it feels like skiing. i love it. i'm going to start saving up my pennies today.

here is my 'the sun is blinding me, angry beauty queen wave while showing off my amazing balance as i zoom by my adoring fanbase' look.

I pretty much love the shit out of my job.

revolutionaries wait, for my head on a silver plate

so i have determined that today will be a good day. but first, two crazy dreams from last night.

the first was so realistic that it woke me up at 3am and i couldnt get back to sleep. in it i had to find someone, they were dark haired and swarthy, and tell them i was up the spout. how romantic. so we got engaged but this romance aspect (or lack thereof) is not the point of the dream. the point is that i was taken up to this beautiful mountaintop family compound to meet the matriarch of the family who gave me this beautiful strange purple ring and was told i'd have the family's protection as long as i didnt lose it. you see where this is going right? turns out it was cursed and disappeared and grandma decided to kill me. i woke up right before she stabbed me. (who has two thumbs and is batshit crazy?) the second dream i knew was a dream but i let it happen as it was of an upcoming wedding. and everyone looked beautiful and i genuinely hoped that they were happy. and i felt proud of myself for wishing that. and then i woke up and felt a little blue. which i decided was not allowed today.

so picture if you will me in the shower (though i dont want you to picture that, so imagine i'm wearing a raincoat and boots in there) singing at the top of my lungs as i play Coldplay's Viva la Vida on repeat, conducting the orchestra parts violently as i get soap in my eyes. this song has become my battle hymn. and i played it all the way to work, and still here in my office until my mate comes in and we have our typical lady gaga friday. but this song, i can get energized about this song. i can pick myself up out of bed and dance around in my pajamas. i can conduct the strings just a little bit louder. and all is as close to right in my world as i can get it.

i'm going to have a good day because i said i will. i may be sad at the core of the matter, but if you put the show on long enough you start to believe it yourself. and i will dance around to my future husband chris martin as many times as it takes.

i hope you all have a great day.

lovelove

bleh.


that is all. i'll try for the song and dance tomorrow.

thinkin thoughts

today has been a weird day. not bad, just weird. but for no real reason. mostly bc i just had this nagging feeling in the back of my head that made me want to call and make sure everyone is ok.

so anyway. it is my evil dog's second birthday. i cant believe i've had her for nearly two years. she's seen me at my craziest, she's seen me curled up in a ball in the bathroom floor, and she's seen me at my highest. and if she judges me, i luckily dont speak her language. but as we speak she's currently barking at herself in the mirror and i'm thankful for my stupid dog. she's been my number one companion, even if she does eat the insoles out of my shoes.

i woke up today feeling more like garbage than i have in awhile and i knew it was because the new medicine. i couldnt keep anything in me food wise. it was booboo garbage. i got on wikipedia to look up really what the medicine was for, and it scared me. an antipsychotic used for several things including, but not mainly prescribed for, the treatment (more of a calming down) of autism. so if i i really have aspergers (thats just a horrible running joke at this point, but that episode really was on again recently), then i guess i am killin two birds with one stone. hopefully this death feeling will go away in a few days though, or i'm taking myself off of that stuff.

i got to have lunch with laura and mark today on their way through from their vacation. its always good to see them. i miss the both of them very much. i've really cut myself off from a lot of people that i really didnt mean to. i should work on that.

and then the work people and i went out for green beer and food (the smartest thing you can put in your already food-rejecting body) and the stranger came with us and got an overall seal of approval, which is always a good thing. especially since i went back to his place and passed out on the couch for three hours because i didnt want to be rude and puke. i'm like the worst possible person to have a sliver of interest in, really. i sleep or puke on you. what options!

also, because i forgot to share it before, here is the dino blog. we've been staging all sorts of ridiculous photos. you better believe it had green beer tonight. who knows, maybe it will be famous.

i'm going to go curl up in a tiny ball and try not to get sick on my dog on her birthday now. i hope everyone is having a good st patrick's day.

no witty title today

i dont really have anything to write about today, i just want to type.

you'd think i would get tired of being on a computer all day, but i feel like sometimes this is my only connection to the real world. sure i could just go outside and see people. but, no. i feel like this is the only way i can connect with some people even though i dont know, really, who is reading this. i know a hand full of you do. but i wonder if strangers read it and what they think of me. i worry too much about what other people think of me.

i had pottery tonight. i think all the frustration i had built up from the past week came out tonight because i blew up several pieces. (and when i say blew up i dont mean they really exploded. but when you get that wheel fast enough and you dont hold it just right, it splatters.) and i just kept getting more and more frusterated and wanted to just go shatter every piece i've made and i started that thing where i start to tear up a little bit because i am so pissed off. and then the planets aligned and i got a piece to stand. and then another. and then somehow i threw five pieces tonight. this is like that moment in Rocky where he has made it up those effing stairs. and i meant to take a photo, but i forgot. bc i suck like that. but at the end of this course i will have (if i can keep from breaking the bases when i trim them this weekend) seventeen pieces. and i am incredibly proud of that. and i know several people are going to receive them and i put a lot of thought into decorating them. and one or two for people who will never get them and they'll just stand on my shelf as a reminder. i dont know if thats good or bad really.

anyway. the stars are out tonight. its beautifully clear. i want to go curl up in a blanket in the yard and watch the sky.

so. this was a useless post. but i dont feel like crap, which is good, but i dont feel good, which is crappy. but i guess breaking even is better than nothing.

all that i'm after..

sorry for losing my shit, there. and then dropping off the face of the planet. i'm feeling betterish, i promise. *jazzhands* i'm fine.

no but really. I did lose my shit (also, from now on can we just abbreviate that to LMS, since i'm sure it will come up again?) but god bless good people and good drugs because i know those two things are going to help me claw back out, again, for the eightyfour thousandth time.

i need to number things. so.

1. postsecret this week was a bust. i always hope to see one i've sent, or even better, one for me. neither of these things happen.

2. dawn had madison's birthday party this weekend and it was just a good life-check for me. madi is one of three children i would do anything in my capabilities for and not look back. and i am glad i have been there to see her grow from the very beginning. she's so incredibly smart. dawn says she thinks she must actually be our love child, because she loves books so much. and since i love buying books for kids, mad made out like a bandit. here is a photo of the two of us after she got REALLY excited that she got Yertle the Turtle. forgive that i look like garbage. i had to drag my carcass out of bed. madi on the other hand, is effing adorable.



3. i went back to the doctor today and is changing my meds. he wants to add another drug, of which the name escapes me, to my already upped intake. this one, apparently, is a good 'kicker' drug, getting me up to where i should be so that i dont keep LMS all the time. (see, i told you that would come in handy). its also supposed to give me energy, which would be a nice change since the thought of getting out of bed most of this weekend was right up there with the prospect of stabbing myself in the eye. the only side effect is that it can speed you up so much you dont sleep. but since i dont do that anyway, i figure, its worth a shot. so in two weeks if i'm not feeling spectacularly human, i am to go back so we can try something else. i feel like this is some sort of animal testing. but if i will feel better in the end, then i'll do it.

4. i'm still sad though. because people make me sad.

5. i'm also sad that all those siberian tigers died.

6. also, in my head i pronounced that 'taggers' which means Z's southern accent is rubbing off on me, and that is entirely unacceptable. i worked long and hard to lose my twang and i'll be damned if it comes back.

7. i sat in rite aid for over half an hour tonight waiting for all my goodies and had to listen to this trio of freshman from jersey talking about each other, boys, each other, their tanning schedule, each other, rhianna, each other, cell phones, each other, and whether they were fat. oh, and each other. the fact that they smelled like baby whores did not help my mood. i have never been so compelled to smack a bitch in my life. when they called my name i said 'oh thank FUCK' before i realized the words came out of my mouth. and yes. they were in fact there for herpes medicine. because they discussed it. and how they were TOTALLY BUMMED IT WAS THE KIND THAT MAKES YOU FAT. oh the horror.

8. i LMS on the stranger's couch. but he didnt seem to mind. and then Kentucky won the game and i felt a little better.

9. i'm Reading Ingredients with dave ryan this weekend for his website, so be prepared for a post of that nonsense.

10. i was going to go home in two weeks, and even broached the subject with the parental unit. to which i was told not to bother bc they would be out of town anyway. awesome.

11. it's time to change my hair again.

i feel like all the ground i had built up to stand on was actually made of salt and all this rain has washed it back down to nothing.

maybe i talked about it on here before, i honestly cant remember, but the more i read this book that the therapist recommended i read, An Unquiet Mind, the more sense is made of the eightyfour thousand thoughts that race through my mind all the time. this person figured out how to put on paper what i've been trying to do for forever now.

i can not fix everything in a day. just like i cant fix everyone else. these two things are the hardest for me to accept. because i would rather everyone else be happy than me. and i have to start taking care of myself. i know i've said that before, a million times, but its just something i havent figured out how to do. bc its easier to hide in my bed, not sleeping, worrying about everything from people throwing away their lives to sea turtles being on the verge of extinction to the fact that i need to do laundry but can not physically bring myself to do it to the fact that i need to get my car inspected but going to the place terrifies me for no reason whatsoever. and instead of doing these things i could be hanging out with someone who wants to spend time with me, thinks i'm not crazy, etc. but instead i cant get up and out of pjs to drive 4 minutes across town.

i've been awake since 4am. but i am going to get out of bed now, go shower, and go practice pottery. bc i feel like it is the one thing i have in my life that i can do that will completely make the racing thoughts disappear. if only for a few hours. and in those few hours i feel calm and centered and ok.

i'm sorry. i dont mean to be so negative all the time. at least you got several days worth of happy fun andrea posts. and they'll be back. they always are. i'll sing and dance and put on the show and all will be well. and you'll laugh and love me and i'll feel worthwhile. and i'll cling to those moments, the moments of flying, because i'm aware (not barely, harhar) that it's always a roller coaster. and one day hopefully i'll be fixed. and all will be well. and i'll love you all the more.

trex

we started a website of photos of our t-rex. there will be a blog following his daily life shortly.

1837

today is march 12th. that doesnt mean anything and it means everything. and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

and so goes the downhill descent.

questions and answers

i've seen this on a few of my friends' pages, and i thought it might be interesting. it's a place where you post questions for me and i'll answer them. who knows, maybe you anonymous readers would like to know something more about me other than i'm a little nuts and like to be the little spoon when i sleep. so here's the link and i'll attempt to answer everything as honestly as i can.

lovelove.

break even

telling the truth can sometimes be a very hard thing to do. because you dont want to hurt those you love. but sometimes, you have to. if not for your own sanity, then for that ever standard reason of the greater good.

but it still hurts to see people upset.

i've had that song 'break even' by the script stuck in my head the last couple of days. it's not even necessarily a good song. but it's stuck there. what if the best (and worst) part of me really is always you?

i had sad dreams all night. and i assumed everything would be dreary today. but it's stopped raining, and it smells good. like a fresh start. mornings after the rain smell like hope. and i need all i can get my hands on.

lovelove

it's raining. i do not like the rain. it makes me think of open windows and lonely mornings downtown.

proper kung fuin

happy hour with my coworkers is the best part of my week.

here is our office mascot, T-Rex, workin on his ninjy choppin with his nunchucks and ninjy star as part of diemon dave's ninjy school.

this is bat country

maybe its just the drugs kicking in, but i have felt really good for the last several days. almost too good. but then, maybe this is what you cats feel all the time? if so, i should have taken the blue pill years ago.

that said, i'd be lying if i didn't expect the bottom to drop out.

today at work we had a paddle ball championship. everyone else could only hit three or four consecutive times. then i walked up to bat (paddle?). and you better believe i hit it seven. eight. nine times. i was heading for that magical ten when (come on. you know where this is headed) i hit myself dead in the eye. that's immediate disqualification right there. and a serious pain in the cornea. if there was a championship at failing, i would be king.

the special on the b.county monster was kind of a bust. i talked it up so much that when we finally watched it, it was a total let down. they didn't determine anything. oh well. i still believe. and to make up for it, Z showed me this and i think it made my whole week better. he's the best thing to come out of boone county since jesco white (the dancing outlaw). Judy Chop!

also, because this day wasnt magical enough, i got hit on by a scraggly creeper at least twice my age in the doctor's waiting room. in 2 minutes he told me his whole life story (divorced, in therapy to help him learn to meet nice pretty young girls to spend his life with) and tried to pick me up. i'm sure i can muster up some flattery somewhere, but all i could think was i'm pretty sure he's old enough to be my parent. and there are just some boundaries homie wont cross. not to mention the lack of teeth. shiver.

but honestly. good day. really good day. the kind i want to keep in my pocket so when i have a bad one i can pull this one out and rub it for good luck.

much love and starlight.

just photos

i dont have anything of interest to write today, so you get photos. work was rough and my brain was fried. luckily we got to paint our pots tonight. the photos are before they are glazed and fired, so when finished the colors will be more vibrant, the grey clay will be white, and it will all be shiny. i know that the style of painting i did is totally a third grade cop out, but i just think its pretty. and i did carve one piece, so i felt that was enough.

why no, i haven't been in bed since i got home even though the sun is out, why do you ask? i have this weird nagging feeling all afternoon that i can not shake. its driving me nuts bc i felt good earlier. i felt darn near great for me. i dont know. maybe i'm crazy.

lameness aside, watch the History Channel on weds at 9 and see a special about the B. County Monster. having grown up there, i think the whole blurb is garbage, so i'm interested in seeing how white trash inbred they make us look.


also. i like when people look me in the eyes. i think it's harder for people to lie when you have to look someone in the eyes. i only have people in my life now who will always look me in the eyes. this is why i can sleep on their couch.

half asleep

i am only partially ashamed that i spent seven (count em, SEVEN) hours of my day yesterday watching a Locked Up marathon. i am slightly more ashamed that i fell asleep on a stranger's (well, not a stranger, lets qualifiy it as a 'new person') couch during this extended viewing of the federal penitentiary system. the point of this post comes in two parts.

1. somehow i can find good in even the most vile humans. sure half of them were probably lying about how they were turning their lives around and going to be better parts of the community when statistically over 70% of them would be back in lock up in less than a year. But i genuinely hoped for them that they would be good people and go do good things and have a great life. even though over half of them were murderers. i seem to champion the worst people on this planet. bc i think everyone needs a second chance. but then i feel bad for the people who do good every day of their lives and are overlooked. they need heroes too.

2. while i felt terrible for falling asleep and being a horribly rude guest, i tried to explain myself, how that is such a novel experience seeing as i DO NOT SLEEP, that it should be taken as a compliment that i was that comfortable with them to pass out. and it got me thinkig that at one time or another i've fallen asleep on the couches of over half my readership on here. in fact most of you probably think i'm a class A bum what with the amount i have snoozed in your presence. but me being able to do that is equal to.... hell, i dont know, pledging allegiance to you and your next three generations because i trust you enough to be unconscious around you. THIS IS A BIG DEAL. sleep on couch=love i may have to continue hanging out so i can get some real, unmedicated rest.

and i cant speak enough about how wonderful the sunshine is. i really am a better person when the sun is out. i'm going to take my evil dog when i get home and enjoy the rest of the day.

my office smells of eucalyptus and vanilla cupcakes. and today, i genuinely feel good.

"i know i am the wanderer of the ways of all the worlds, to whom the sunshine and the rain are one. " -c.brennan

that sounds about right.

title

sorry for dropping off the face of the earth. strange things are afoot at the Circle K. (thats a nice movie-referency way to say things around here have been happening and i dont know what all it means, homie). good thoughts. good thoughts, hoggle.

hows this for a crazy dream. i just woke up from a dream where everyone at work, myself included, were taken hostage by terrorists bc we were all working in DC for some reason. and it's hard to describe how realistic it was without putting you in my crazy brain. we were first locked up in a room with blue carpet but the second night they locked us up on a strange room with concrete floors and no one could sleep because it was so cold. and one guy from our group was being super nice and offered to mop if they didnt kill him and i remember thinking he was a total effing sellout. and at one point i saw the guards outside so i kept flipping them off and then realized that cultural fuck-you might not translate. and then as in any good movie we befriended one kid terrorist who snuck us in orange cupcakes. and then of course the boss got mad and put a gun to my head and said if i ate the cupcake he'd shoot me. and i told him he could go fuck himself and took a bite. and then i woke up.

double you tee eff does that dream mean, kids.

in other news i decided to go ahead and take down my christmas lights bc i'm feeling a little white trashy up in here.

i also wish you could have witnessed my friday evening purely for the comedic factor. it started with the mother of all panic attacks and ended because of some delicious blue shots. note to future generations: do not take the blue shots no matter how delicious they are. and they are DELICIOUS.

the sun is shining and it makes me feel like eight tenths of a real person. i'm gonna go locate me a cupcake, flip someone off, and have a delicious day.

the stars are out for the first time in a long time.

and they are beautiful.

on an unrelated note, this is nifty.

sad dreams

i still feel like everything is off kilter and i cant place my finger on exactly what is bothering me. partly a dream i had last night (drug free). in it i was someplace, i dont know where. and i found a wallet. i knew it was someone's and in my mind i wanted to get revenge on them and i dont know, steal everything or destroy it or something. and the first thing i saw when i opened it up was a picture of me. and that made me stop and wonder what i really meant to them. i dont know that anyone has ever kept a photo of me in their wallet. and the photo wasnt pretty but i was laughing and genuinely having fun. and because of seeing that photo i got a piece of paper and wrote down everything i never got to say, everything i never thought would matter enough, everything everything. and i put it in the wallet and walked away. and then i woke up. and had a panic attack.

i was sitting here thinking about it and decided to look through my own wallet. i dont have photos of people. but i have a memento or two that no matter how many times i try to throw them away, they stay right there. and probably always will. those are my everything everything words.

madison's birthday is next week and every year i think of all the things that happened immediately around that time. a lot of things changed for me then. i don't think i would take a different path if i could, but i think i would like to have been stronger. to like myself more. to realize what i always knew and actually change things and not hope that someone else would. i'm not angry anymore, which is really important. but i dont think i'm ever not going to be let down. i believed in something. and i was wrong.

happier thoughts, though. i brought in one of laura's paintings to my office to liven the atmosphere up. the reds, oranges, and yellows really help. it's precariously rested on a binder right now, but hopefully soon it will be on the wall.

this is another public service announcement reminding you to wear sunscreen. i got my bill back yesterday from the biopsies. and mind you i do have insurance and they covered most of it. and i'm still going to have to pay nearly $400 myself. what a horrible day that was. they had me, and still do, completely terrified.

i yelled at brett because he jokingly, again, called me psychotic. it's one thing for me to make fun of myself, but i can't handle other people doing it. i yelled. and then i cried.

how bout a fun story. when i was little i had this godawful plastic horse. it was see-thru orange with orange glitter. and hot pink hair. and neon blue and green accessories. i loved this horse. i slept with it, bathed with it, threw it out of the dogwood tree trying to make it fly, pushed it over the hill in tonka trucks, and took it to church with me. i have no idea where it is now. i dont know why i just remembered it. it must not be that important.

hrm

do you ever feel like something is missing? like part of you has vanished. maybe its bc i have felt like boo boo garbage for the last three days, but something is just off. maybe its just because i'm not sleeping again. but something is not right. i dont like worrying when i dont know what i should be worrying about.

lights will guide you home.
and ignite your bones.
and i will try to fix you.

all your base are belong to ME

here are some of my pots. with bases! it's so hard to make the lighting look right when trying to take photos of these. the one on the right looks all wonky but its actually a spiral that looks bad ass in real life.

allowing myself to pat myself on the back.

desks white people like

so i think i jinxed myself saying i havent gotten a migraine lately because i woke up this mornign with my head hurting so bad i wanted to vomit (pretty picture, eh?). but i'm trying to be better at not weenying out of work when i feel like garbage, so i dragged myself in. maybe it was because the lights had been on but the smell of carpet glue was intense. bleh. but enough of that. i put up some of my desk stuff (since we cant put anything on the walls yet, but i plan on it, some of laura's works, woo). and here is what we have:My bethany inspiration, my frog from my favorite teacher in high school, my pooping panda, and a neat glass vase of dried pink roses.
My 'wow, you're a nerd' area with my Stuff White People Like calendar (today's like: wine), my 4 art prints from an artist in ireland. the top left is josephine and napoleon, bottom left is queen elizabeth, top right is a queen of hearts and the jack of hearts, and the bottom right is a boy going to space with an apparently sad girl watching. then you will see the awesome leg lamp, and again the pooping panda. because i keep shit classy.

and then my favorite part, and in a photo that turned out pretty awesome if i say so myself:
My solar powered ferris wheel. Since i dont have the sun close by, it plugs into the wall and has a lightbulb set up to move it. but still. how cool is that? it moves and everything.

i still have a vicious headache but i am going to pottery. i will try and get some new photos.

also, i may have put a small (large) dent (hole) in the front bumper of the car from hitting a pothole. now you may scoff at this until you factor in that the potholes in this town are so deep you can swim in them and not touch the bottom. i cant wait to hear the judgement on that one.

so she did.

i heart bethany. so much. she has sent me so many nice cards lately and they make me feel good. and today, she topped herself times a billion and sent me a package! i know i have said it before but i love getting packages in the mail. you could probably just send me a box of packing peanuts and i'd get excited. but this one had things in it! books! and stickers! and the neatest little desk plaque thing that says 'she believed she could. so she did.' and i love that. that was exactly what i needed to hear today. bc i've been questioning a lot of things. and i know i'm on the right path. i believe i can and by Shatner, i will.

so we moved into our new but still temporary offices today. its much nicer because i have SPACE. the downside is that there are no windows. this is obviously not good for me. so i'm going to try and decorate as much as i can and make it fun. my own space. for now.

i dont care how embarrassing it is, but i love this song. it makes me think of sunshine and the smell of flowers and saltwater and being barefoot and goofy grinning and dancing in the rain. it makes me excited for changes coming my way.

i hope everyone is having a good day.

lovelove

my ears stick out too far. its genetic.

my teeth are crooked because i wouldnt wear my retainer because it wasnt cool.

i cant tell a story without waving my arms like i'm directing flight patterns. and when i am telling a story its such a circular mess that only two percent of the worlds population can even understand me.

i wish i had more freckles. but i will wear sunscreen now, because now i know better.

i love daffodils because they remind me of home.

i miss how snow used to taste when you were little and had a snow day and got to play outside all day, up and down the hill, making snow angels, chasing a collie, building misshapen snowmen with blaze orange hunting caps and a barbie scarf.

i miss my collie.

the first time i saw dead poets society was thanksgiving break in 8th grade and i cried for a solid hour after it ended.

i had a box of dress up clothes with my initials on it at my grandparents house. my favorite piece of clothing was a green and black dress mom made me for halloween.

my older cousin convinced me i could catch minnows in the creek with a butter bowl and a can of cheese. i still think somehow it could work.

i remember being very young and my dad telling me beer tasted like soda. i'm fairly certain he would have let me try it had mom not yelled at him.

driving onto campus makes me very incredibly chest caving in sad. not because of missing school. i avoid downtown as much as i can.

all i wanted today was watermelon. and i had to buy one of those platters with all the other fruits in it to get the watermelon. and it was delicious.

as much as i hate Gone with the Wind, i love Gone with the Wind.

i'm doing a collaborative writing project this summer that i'm really excited about. i get to complain. its like my first language.

if i had to have someone write my life soundtrack, it would be norah jones.

i miss easter hats and white chocolate rabbits.

i bought 4 cadbury eggs today instead of 6 in hopes the cashier wouldnt judge me. i think she did for the double stuff oreos.

i still wish i had been a groupie for a ska band.

i miss the biscuits my mommaw made.

the safety and boringness i claim to want may in fact be the one thing i keep running away from. i chase hopeless causes because i know they are hopeless. i'm working on this.

in the old house we had a string tied to the tv that stretched 3 feet. we had to sit behind the string so it wouldnt ruin our eyes. but really because i would cheat at duck hunt and michael would cry.

there is a house that strangers live in that has my handprints by their front steps. at least, i assume they are still there.

i can not sleep. i blame this weekends coma fest.

bleh.