just a thought

i would like to see Salt Lake City, Utah. I see pictures of it on dooces blog and i think it is just as beautiful as WV.

maybe i should just move there.

birthday photos

thanks to shainna for documenting my birthday!shainna made me my very own Cake Wreck (google if you dont know what that is) it says "Sory" Your Old!!! complete with brown writing and naked baby figurines!
Laura made Kenny Rogers taco dip. it could also be Santa. Use your imagination.

This is apparently how I demonstrate my feelings for long island iced tea.

Laura and I have squirrelly eye. Genetically we lose hard core. Rachael is pondering life.
Do you know whats better than being wasted with a house full of ppl for your bday? All that happening in a leopard snuggie.We then took this photo, as the 3 of us always do when we are together. we were feelin pretty good until shainna pointed out this photo from 2.5 yrs ago:


um. yes. now i feel old. and i miss my long hair. but mostly i feel like i am old. a lot has happened since this photo. my eyes are tired now. and not sleepy tired. i shouldn't be this tired at 26.

i will make this a good year. there were many good moments this weekend. these will carry over. i hope.

the 26th year of life

this has been a strange start to 26. when shainna uploads her photos i'll share some. it's been extreme highs, extreme lows, sober, drunk, loved, not loved enough, and everything in between.


it was so nice to see everyone. so many ppl traveled quite a distance to come in and i am very very thankful for that. i have a very good support system in my life, that i don't always appreciate enough.

i got a card that a friend wrote in that said that 26 is supposed to be the best year of your life. i feel good about that thought.

i cant put these last 3 days really into words. i guess i can just say thanks to those who were here and love me and are in my life.

Small Things that Remind me

I've been in a funk the last week, as if you couldnt tell. and I know it's all coming to a head very soon. I was sitting here in a very black mood when in comes the nice couple that cleans our offices. They brought me a birthday plant. I didn't even know they know it was my birthday tomorrow. They even said they wanted to give it to me today incase I snuck out early tomorrow to go celebrate. It's things like this that reminds me there are good people in this world. They are always kind to me and I love talking to them. They are some of the genuinely nicest people I have ever met in my entire life. And I'm going to work extra hard to keep this plant alive to remind myself of that fact.

i just needed to share that.

things

1. i have been wheezing since i got home, and i do not approve. i flat out refuse to be sick this week.

2. first day back to work was really good, actually. the people who i like at work asked me how vacation was and genuinely seemed glad i was back. those who view me as a corporate drone asked me when i can do work for them. and back into the grind we go.

3. i've got two main stations on pandora now that i listen to near constantly. my anita o'day station and my amy winehouse station. they sorta have the same vibe. i really love the music of anita o'day and that whole era.

4. i am on page 617 of Gone with the Wind. this is the longest its taken me to read anything that wasnt required academic text. i just want to slap scarlett o'hara for being a heartless cunning bitch. the only way i made it thru the movie with shainna was with the help of mimosas and cake waffles. the book version, it seems to be chips and salsa and cough syrup. similar, but different.

5. and adele. i love adele's music (came on the winehouse station). and i like her for being a real role model.

6. i have so much to do before friday but i have no motivation. i blame it partially on #1 and partially bc i'm just in a funk. i'm changing my hair tomorrow, as i always do. there's not much that can be done with it this short. but we'll see what happens.

7. i think i'm going to start making playlists for people. i made one. its a great thing when you can say what you feel through music so you dont have to in real life. i need to broaden my musical tastes. i think this may be a good thing to include in christmas gifts.

8. today there was 12 broken chips in my bag of SunChips. 12 total chips, i mean. not that 12 were broken. Thrasher was outraged and he and i wrote hate mail in hopes of getting new chips. These are our priorities, folks.

9. does anyone know where i can find raw pumpkin seeds? i really want to roast pumpkin seeds but pumpkins aren't out at the stores yet. i looked online and holy shit, shatner, its expensive and you have to buy them in bulk. i have no idea why this suddenly is something i HAVE to do. i guess because it is starting to feel like fall and its something i always wanted to do growing up but never did, and finally did last year for my little cousins. and they taste good!

10. shainna's baby cousin has heart surgery in the morning. good thoughts there, please.

11. i love fall. i love the smells, even though i cant smell them right now. i like sweaters. and coopers rock. and the crunch of leaves. sometimes i think i exist just for those few perfect weeks of fall. fall is one season i can be totally alone and be completely ok with it. lets hope that holds up right now.

photos, etc.

i'm back in the Mo. I love today's weather and the woodsmoke and the mountains. something i did realize this week was that i am not cut out to live in NC. it is too hot and flat and muggy. i thought i always wanted to live there when i grew up, but i guess this week brought a lot of revelations about where my life will and wont be going. i need seasons. the beach is a nice place to visit, but i wont be living there.

but before i head off to the Wine and Jazz festival, here are some photos:

this sunshine. this is a good thing. this is a good start.

that old feeling

well kids. i'm back. well, as far as the brax. i'll be in the Mo tomorrow. and i cant help but say, not a minute too soon.

i'm not going to lie. my vacation was not all it was cracked up to be. yes the weather was nice and sunny, and i read 7.5 books but i had things on my mind that did not make it great. oh fuck it. 99.9% of you know who i refer to vaguely and i know you already hate him, so i might as well say it. todd waltzed back into my life and once again swept me off my feet with declarations and lies only to once again (and should i be surprised? no) has left, letting me crash all over again. i'm so mad at him i could scream. and i have. i'm mad at the axis of evil who decides what he can and can not do with his life (oh, did i just compare someone to hitler? yes. i most certainly did. there will be no pity in that direction anymore, for someone so needy and tyranical.) and i'm mad at him for laying down and taking it. you can love someone unconditionally, and you can need them in your life, but not when they tear you down repeatedly. there is no place for friendship in this situation anymore. i cant handle being hurt by this situation again. you dont need to hear about all the mopey details and i'll save that for my private blog. but i just want you to know why i'm in such a foul mood. which is why i want each of you to promise me right now that if i ever bring this up again, you will punch me as hard as you can in the stomach. bc i'd rather feel physical pain that ever ever let myself get in this situation with this coward again. (i realize i sound mean. and i deserve to. but i am really really upset about all this. as most of you know anyway. you think you know someone, and it turns out it doesnt matter enough.)

but i digress. other than worrying about that every waking and most sleeping moments of my trip, i did get a lot of reading in. 7.5 books in fact. all the ones on my list except the richard the 3rd one. but i included Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, and Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters. i recommend them both. i'm also halfway thru Gone with the Wind. this may be the most painful book i've ever read. i hate the characters. i love the historical background however. the civil war was the first history that i was very interested and studied for my own benefit and i've gotten away from it. i think i'll pick that back up. but it was nice to read things for pleasure and not for the sake of the government.

and i dont care how old i get, that building that looks like a penis in winston-salem makes me giggle each time we pass it.

and i feel bad for saying something depressing after a penis joke, but please send good thoughts to shainna's baby cousin who is having heart surgery, my aunt who was diagnosed with breast cancer, and as always lukas. and maybe one or two to me, for i feel like i'm losing my mind. i will not allow myself to sink back into my depression like i do each time the above mentioned situation happens. and i will not sink my sorrows in booze. i'm just really glad i will be surrounded this coming weekend for my birthday that i know without a doubt love me and care about me enough to be in my life and will stand by me no matter what bullshit i get myself into.

but i am ready to get back into a routine. zumba twice a week is going to be important now more than ever. work even, i realized this week that my friends there care about me more than i deserve. we are supposed to find out by the end of the month what is going to happen with our contracts as the recovery act money is nearly spent out. who knows, maybe i'll end up in shanghai teaching english. i think its about time to take the joel lancaster approach to life and run away for awhile.

but lets not let this be only an angry post. i did, with moms camera, get some nice photos this week. let those be my apology for sucking at life today. or i lied. brxton internet sucks and wont let me upload photos. i'll do this tomorrow, i swear.

i love you anyway, dear readers. well. most of you.

things i would like to do at the age of 26

so i am trying to give myself subgoals, since i'm slowly working through my 101 goals, for when i turn 26.

first and foremost. i want to get my picture taken in a photobooth. i have never done this, and it seems like some magical mysterious experience to me. and i have several times in my 101 goals that i need to do this. so i figure, this is a good opportunity.

i would like to go to more plays and concerts. even if just at the CAC. i miss music and theatre and all that stuff.

i want to buy myself a pair of heels i can walk in. and i want to actually wear them on occasion. its no secret that i suck at being a girl. but i love how heels look. and i am going to find a pair that i can at least try to walk around in without looking like i have a stick up my ass.

the tattoo. i say this every year. but i want to get my panties out of a wad and actually man up (figuratively speaking) and get a tattoo.

take more time to appreciate the good things and stop focusing on the negatives so much. i'm doing a lot better than i used to, but i can do even better i think. going to zumba has helped this a lot, so i need to budget more for continuing zumba twice weekly.

give more to charities. the first i'm working toward is thru zumba actually. our instructor is from columbia, so we are going to raise money to send there so poor families can have food and gifts for christmas. i also want to actively participate in something though, not just give money. i'll need to look into this further and see what is up around town that i can do.

spend more time with my family. that just needs to happen.





thats all i can think of right now. i'm tired and need to get up early so i can get to work early so i can leave early and get the heck out of dodge. if i dont have internet access on my trip, i'll talk at you readers in a week.

love love x1837

there is not a she wolf in the closet. but there may be some mismatched shoes

dear blogger. i'm sorry i have left you hanging. i have not been in the mood to chronicle my life as of late. sorry i suck.

i remembered yesterday how much i hate going to the dentist. not so much the dental work as the half the face numbness. i felt like Two-Face when i tried to smile. eating dinner was a terrible joke. if it wasnt for lish i'd hate the entire profession.

i got new nerdy glasses today that i would show you if i had a camera. more importantly, however, glasses is the whole purpose of me blogging today. some of you know my good pal stephanie. she's in med school and about to take a medical mission trip to honduras. before they leave, they are trying to collect as many pair of reading glasses as they can. the cheapy kind that you can find in places like the dollar store and wal-mart. i'd really think you were super rad if you helped steff out here. even one pair would be awesome. if you do want to help, get in touch with me/her soon bc i think she's leaving shortly. and if you pick up some glasses, try to get the strongest prescription you can find. come on. its a dollar to help someone see. we'll count it as my birthday gift.


in other news. 3 days til i leave for vacation. i need it. i always count on being able to run away from everything, but you cant exactly run away from life just bc you're crossing the state line. but i need to get away from the internet and back into books and sand. i've been packed since saturday, and am ready to bust out that door.


theres more i should write, but i'm just not in the mood. so dont forget to pick up some glasses and i'll love you forever.

love love

Lessons Learned

It is astounding how many times the same person can let me down, when I should have known better in the first place.

I am angry. I am hurt. I am sad. I am very very let down.

and I should have known better.

and we cut yet another person out of our life.