i was going to go out with the girls last night, bc we have all been out of sorts lately and needed a night off. i left the screen door and the windows open, so that the breeze would blow through. and as i left i could hear the dog. and those of you who dont have dogs dont know the sound of a dog crying. its some painful sound btwn a howl and a bark. and it just ripped right through me. i made it to sheetz before i was sobbing so hard i had to turn around and come home. bc that sound, i know she thought i was deserting her. and i couldnt do that. this dog has been the only constant in my life for the last four years. and she thought i was deserting her.

i know what it feels like to be deserted. it's been nearly a year and i feel it every single day with every single breath i take. i do well sometimes about how things are. but you all know when i dont. you see it too well.

i know my life is not bad by any stretch of the imagination. i have a very very good life. i have a good job and make good money and have amazing friends. and i am happy sometimes. i'd be lying if i said i wasnt. but i am so tired. of this. i'm tired of still caring about someone who hasn't cared about me in a long time.

and the DC job.. who knows if that will even ever happen. they pushed the may contract date back a month. which isn't good news but it apparently isn't bad news either. it just means more waiting, more not knowing. if this was the year to teach me patience, it's working. or rather, it's teaching me to lose faith in hope. i keep clinging to the idea that everything happens for a reason and this is just a lesson i'll be grateful for in time.

if i had any money i'd just take it and run away for awhile. but i dont. i'm pretty much broke. which i know is ridiculous. i tried to explain it to mom and she just doesnt understand. either i buy books so that i can escape into someone elses story for even a moment in time, or i give it all away to charities bc the stories break my heart and i want someone to have a chance at something better than they've got. that is why i'm broke. and i'm not entirely sorry about it.

i'm probably just talking garbage bc i'm tired and it's miserable outside and i set myself up for heartbreak again.

sometimes i think i'm just a monster.