so. I bought a $15 Christmas tree. Partly bc I felt sad. Partly bc it was sad. Partly bc u needed a challenge.

It looked like this



But I new surely I could do something with it. And ended up with this




Not bad I guess. Other than having to be tied to things to stand.

It was a long holiday weekend. Havin to go to my aunts services was strange. The whole week was strange. I still don't really know what to think.

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so I found out that my aunt Agnes passes away last night. I feel awful that I'm not more upset about this. Maybe I've totally shut down emotionally? I do not know. I wasn't as close to her as I am to some other family, I only saw her and my uncle once a year at best. It's strange to have aunts and uncles who are well into their 80s. I guess I should mention mom is the youngest of nine and her oldest sister is older than dads mom. But I liked aunt Agnes a whole lot. Her personality is what I would call... Brassy. Everything about her was brassy. Her dyed red hair and her smokers voice. But she knew how to make whoever she was talking to feel like they were the most important, most special person in the room. She cooked how my grandma cooked (I.e. with butter as a main ingredient.) and call that what you want but to me that tastes like love. She had the best laugh and I always had a good time when they cAme to
Visit.

I've had three grandparents pass on, but I don't think I'm ready for aunts and uncles to do the same. I feel like I'm not old enough for these things yet. But I am.

So. I guess this holiday season remember to be thankful for family. They may be crazy and a pain in the ass, but they are yours and they love you anyway.


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while it was nice to get away this weekend, I was home and asleep in bed by 8pm. That's what kind of loser I am.

Helping decorate High Gate on Friday was nice, if for no other reason than to explore the 100+ yr old house. Here are a few pics:
















While I enjoyed helping someone else decorate for Christmas, I've decided that I don't think I'm going to this year. I don't have a tree and don't feel like buying one, and I can't lift my bookshelf to move it anyway even if I did have a tree. Plus, I'm just feeling a little more Scrooge like this year anyway. I've got the little ceramic tree I painted up on my mantle. That's just going to have to do it for this year.

I just want the work part of this week over so I can go home and sleep for a few days.


I just want to turn my brain off.


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so. Since going to Annapolis and running away for the weekend fell thru, I'm determined to still stay busy this weekend. Tonight I'm going to murieles, my fav restaurant on the planet for dinner. I figure since I didn't get to go on my bday I'll just take myself. Tomorrow Amanda and I are goin to Parkersburg for the night to stay with rachael. Her sister is having a party for her husband that we are invited to, plus, we just need to both take our minds off things.

Also, as If things aren't just wonderful enough, it turns out this thing on the bottom of my foot is a planters wart. It's not bad yet but it hurts like hell sometimes, ESP at the gm when we have to run. Don't google those things unless you have an iron stomach. Moral of the story is there are some ridiculous home remedies to try (duct tape!) before I should go get my foot cut off. Bc I really need somethig else to worry abt right now.

Anyway. Trying to keep my chin up. It's really all I can do. I hope everyone has a good weekend. Much love.

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I wish we lived in a world where people still wrote letters. I found beautiful personalized stationary that I refuse to buy bc it's too expensive when people don't check their snail mail regularly or write back in kind.

Note. I am one of those ppl who forget to check the mail.


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I hate seeing my friends in pain. I can deal with my own but I can't handle others in pain. A friend and her bf ended their relationship last night and now she is a mess. I feel horrible saying it but at least it gives me something else to worry about and someone else to try to help. I don't think I can really help myself right now, so at least I can support elsewhere.

I read about a study that said your level of empathy is genetic. Just another reason my DNA is screwed up.

Blugh. I just want everyone in the world to be happy and healthy.


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I think seeing my puppy look sad bc she can sense that I am sad is the saddest thing of all.



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i need someone to tell me that things are going to be ok. bc i don't see how that is possible right now.

how can someone love me and do this? i understand depression. i understand what a major sickness it is. but there is nothing ok about what has transpired. you cant go back from this. you cant just say sorry, send some flowers, and promise a lifetime without lies.

i dont know how i am ever going to trust again. and that is the worst thing a person can feel, that they dont know what to believe, who to believe. what is the point now?

i feel like i'm fraying around the edges. i cant be the one who is strong for everyone.

i am in shock. i'm confused. i'm hurt. and i cant function.

I also don't think it's humanly possible to cry more than I have today.

I don't know what to do with my life. But I can't keep doing this.


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my migraine is coming back and it's raining.

I don't know if it is humanly possible for this day to get any worse.

I feel like a fool.


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I'm putting in my formal request to transfer to DC today, if this new contract is awarded. I'm putting that out in the universe as an option, as moving to Lexington is no longer one.

As compassionate and forgiving as I am, it turns out there are some things I can't forgive. My trust in humanity has absolutely been destroyed.

I'm thankful for my friends. Once again having to pick me up and dust me off and standing by me without judging. I don't know what I'd do without these few people in my life.

If you know Anyone who needs a wedding dress, they can have mine. If not I'm donating it to salvation army this wrkend. Maybe someone out there will actually find a use for it. Bc I frankly think it will be a miracle if I ever get married in this lifetime, bc my faith in humanity is shattered. Trust and honesty are the two most important things in this world, and I don't know if I am ever going to find them.

I have all these crocheted squares for a blanket I'm not goig to finish. I feel like a fool about it now. I guess I cn make them into lap blankets for the nursing home. At least those people will care and be appreciative.

It's really hard for me not to be bitter. But I don't know how to trust when people consistently let me down.

I think if I had to put it in words, it would be the total grief you see in Emma thompsons character in Love actually when she confronts her husband. Turns out, I am not strong enough to stick around when I know life will always be a little bit worse.

So. Once again. I'm back to square one, figuring out how to take care of myself. Bc it's harder and harder to be strong each time I am so deeply and completely let Down.

I'm going to try to sleep now. Even an hour is better than nothing I guess.

Turns out, love doesn't fix everything. You have to be able to trust someone. And I can't.


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I have to be strong now. Harder than I've ever tried before.

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it's not that i dont think about writing. i genuinely do think about it. but theres only so many ways that i can say, work is good if not busy, the gym is still hard and i'm in a rut on the weight loss, though it probably has to do with the fact that i eat cake icing as a snack, i havent been online much in the evenings bc i've been doing a lot of craft projects and teaching a friend to do different crafts. and as you can see, i'm sitting at home on a friday night.

in my defense, i have a headache. i have a lot of those lately. i talked to the doctor and we're switching some of my drugs. so here's hoping.

it's veterans day and i thank any vet out there reading this. i know many out there and while i will always stand by the fact that i dont always agree with war, i absolutely support anyone who is willing to give their life for our crazy ass country.

and on this veterans day, me and my headache ate that cake icing and watched Bones on netflix. also, my dog stole some deli ham i planned on eating, ate it, and later threw it up on this very laptop. THANK YOU VETS.

note: i cleaned it. luckily it was closed.

also, go on youtube and type baby monkey riding a pig. you'll thank me.

i feel like i cant write bc i dont have anything exciting to talk about to entertain you people.

when i have something fun to say, i will tell you. much love from my general direction.