running didnt help me try to think things through. not that there really is anything i need to think through. nothings different.

the thing is, zach emailed me today. mostly to be angry at me and also to show me pictures of his dog, it seemed. the thing that stuck with me is that he said i'd dragged his name through the mud like no one ever has before. and i'm trying to figure out why that even matters to him. no one he knows reads this. my friends arent his friends. so what does it matter what i say> yeah. i was and still am mad. so yeah, i said some things. but. i think i also said some really nice things for a really long time. and some really understanding things for an even longer time, while i was trying to sort my brain around this and help him. i'll be the first to admit that when things were good he treated me better than anyone else in this world ever has, and the next man in my life will have a lot to live up to. on the other hand, the bad part, was really really heartbreakingly mindfuckingly terrible, which the next man in my life will have to prove they wont ever treat me like that. so i'm trying to figure out if i did say anything of the mud dragging variety that wasnt true. i was lied to. he did have a drinking problem (whether he does now or not i dont know), and he did/does need help. these aren't anything untrue. was i a bitch to him after i found out about things in november, i absolutely was. but i also did a lot of things that most ppl wouldnt, which included continue talking to him and trying to help him. and i think those should count for something.

i dont know why i'm even letting this get to me. i do genuinely want him to be happy and i do genuinely hope that if this girlfriend or fiance or whatever she is is his One that they are happy and last a lifetime. and i hope that someday i'll finally get past all of this (bc lets face it, as much as i can never trust him and will never see him again in this life, i'll always care and worry about him) and find my One who i can trust with my whole heart and never have any doubt. and i dont think that's too much to ask, being able to trust someone. it's what i hope for and pray for. it's what i get out there and run for and am doing this warrior dash for and what i survive for. and i am happy and i am healthier than i've ever been. i ran 2.15 miles today and i'm down to a 14:25 minute mile which is still not at all good, but when you consider i am not a runner and hate running, i'd say thats pretty damn good.

so am i sorry for 'running his name through the mud' sure. i'm sorry if you guys think terrible things about someone because of words i've said. but i think most of you who had to take care of me in any time in the last year have your own opinions from those other reasons, not bc of my words.

i'm getting worked up for nothing, which, for all i know, is what he wanted me to do. so i'm going to stop.

in other news my performance evaluation went really great and i'm getting a raise, which is an actual decent amount and not a 'pity raise' like i got last year. it makes me feel good that my work is being recognized and people give a damn about the work i do. if this whole DC move doesnt shake out, I've got some new projects coming up here that i think will be good. stay or go, i feel good about how things are going.

also, i've been asked about my running playlist. i've got songs on shuffle and i really like the mix because it makes no damn sense. but it fits my stride pretty well. obviously i dont hear all of these songs every time, but these are my standbys

Amy Winehouse
-Back to Black
-Know You Now
Cake
-No Phone
Discovery
-It's Not My Fault (It's My Fault)
Franz Ferdinand
-Take Me Out
Gnarls Barkley
-Crazy
Gogol Bordello
-Immigrandiada (We Comin' Rougher)
-My Companjera
Golden Earring
-Radar Love
John Legend
-Green Light (ft. Andre 3000)
Kaye West
-All the Lights
-Monster
-Blame Game
-Lost in the World (ft. Bon Iver)
-Love Lockdown
Kelly Clarkson
-Stronger
The Killers
-Mr. Brightside (which note, I got caught singing at the top of my lungs by this nice old man who is always sitting out on his porch and now waves at me every time, haha)
Lady Gaga
-Just Dance
-Pokerface
-The Edge of Glory (which always seems to come on shuffle at the right time, right when i'm ready to quit, at the edge of tears. and i always keep going)
Michael Jackson
-Billie Jean
-P.Y.T.
-Dirty Diana
-Smooth Criminal
N.A.S.A.
-Gifted (ft Kanye, Santogold, and Lykke Li) (reeeeally good song btw, if you haven't heard it)
OutKast
-Hey Ya!
-B.O.B.
Passion Pit
-Sleepyhead
Radiohead
-Lotus Flower
Reel Big Fish
-Trendy
-Beer
-Everything Sucks (which is ironically, what i revisited lunch to the tune of)
Tokyo Police Club
-Tessellate
Vampire Weekend
-Horchata

at any rate. i need to fix some dinner so that i dont have another midnight mac'n'cheese attack.

i dont know where my life is going. but i feel like it's a good direction. yeah some things i wish i could take back or change. but this is where i am now and i'm not going to spend anymore time dwelling on the negative when i have so many blessings in my life.

and omg i hear the ice cream truck outside. the world is good.