Monday, April 30, 2012
it's so good to be home in my tiny little apartment with my lazy dog, even if my head feels like it's splitting in two. we are in fullblown migraine mode. caffeine didnt fix it, sinus meds didnt fix it. just gonna have to wait it out and hope for the best at this point.
this headache has been building for three days now, and i'm going to blame that on why i was throwing myself such a massive pity party lately. that, and i'm dehydrated.
i got a really great email from bethany this evening that was just what i needed to hear. among other things, it linked this blog, which i've been sitting here trying to read. the newest post, from the 28th, is one of those things everyone needs to read.
i was going to keep writing, but i just sneezed and it made my head hurt so intensely i cried. so i'm going to go lay in the dark now.
i just needed to say sorry to everyone, for being such a whiny baby. life could be so much worse and i have so much to be thankful for. i love you all so very very much.
It was a nice drive home besides the fact I have a raging headache.
Thankful for: dad finding me a good deal on tires, getting them put on my car, and gettin all the junk fixed so it would pass inspection. I even have windshield washer fluid!!
It's good to be back to my apt where I can unwind, if only a few hours.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Rachael sent me the link to the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows. So many of these resonate too well with me.
heartworm
n. a relationship or friendship that you can’t get out of your head, which you thought had faded long ago but is still somehow alive and unfinished, like an abandoned campsite whose smoldering embers still have the power to start a forest fire.
anthrodynia
n. a state of exhaustion with how shitty people can be to each other, typically causing a countervailing sense of affection for things that are sincere but not judgmental, are unabashedly joyful, or just are.
trumspringa
n. the temptation to step off your career track and become a shepherd in the mountains, following your flock between pastures with a sheepdog and a rifle, watching storms at dusk from the doorway of a small cabin, just the kind of hypnotic diversion that allows your thoughts to make a break for it and wander back to their cubicles in the city
karmapol
n. the imaginary committee of elders that keeps a running log of your mistakes, steadily building their case that you’re secretly a fraud, a coward, a doofus and a douche, and who would’ve successfully revoked your good fortune years ago had they not been hampered by bitter squabblings over grammar and spelling.
i know, logically, there is no purpose in being sad. i can list every bad thing that zach did (and there are plenty of horrifyingly awful things) and no one on earth would fault me for being angry. but everyone would fault me for being sad. maybe it's bc i had sad dreams all night. although even in my dream world he didnt care enough about me to do anything. and that should tell me something. i think all my hurt boils down to the fact that i opened myself up to something bigger than i can ever be alone, something with a future and a plan, and now the other half of that doesn't care enough about me to even try.
it's time to start blogging things i'm thankful for again.
today i'm thankful for the smell of outdoors at home when the weather is just like this. it's a combo of grass and hay and dogs and dew and sunshine. i'm thankful for my health, bc even as i go weeze my ass off when i attempt to run, i realize i could be in a wheelchair or have cancer or a whole list of things. i'm thankful for the puppies, who are currently laying in a patch of sunshine by the door. and i'm thankful for the friends i have, who stand by me through all of this, all of life, who constantly remind me that there are good people everywhere, in everyone, if you take the time to look.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
i've spent a lot of time today outside readin. i found a book (which if you know my parents' house, is a funny statement, bc there are books everywhere, not hard at all to "find") that was written by a lady who grew up near-ish to where my Samples grandparents grew up about her life and several generations back of her family. it's interesting to think about. it follows them into kentucky, to actually areas where zach's family is from, which i find interesting. but i guess really i'm trying to say that i spent a lot of time today thinking about my family and where we've come from. especially from finding some of those pics of us as kids down at Strange Creek. I found this one, and it's one of my absolute favorites of all time:
that is strange creek. i don't remember mawmaw not being old. i do remember always liking her jewelry and hats (as i'm wearing both) and that she'd let us get away with an awful lot (as from my face in the photo) because we were the babies. if the weather was nice and we weren't in the creek, we were on that porch swing. in fact, mawmaw died bc of that porch swing. i dont say that to be morbid or creepy, but it's one of those objects where you see a whole circle of life kind of situation. bc there are pictures of her holding my mom on that porch swing. looking at that picture, besides making me tear up right now, makes me think of a lot of good times we had as kids that i absolutely took for granted. and i thought about that a lot yesterday, watchin josh get married, that i wish our grandparents could have been there. erica carried one of mawmaw's handkerchief's on her flowers, which i thought was really sweet of her since she didn't even know her. that's something i think about a lot too, well, i did, that i only have one grandparent left and i hope i could get married while she can see it. no pressure, Universe.
this book, (back to the book for a minute) it's all about coal and how it made this part of the world what it is. and it's true. especially, again, with mom's side of the family. someday i think i'd like to write a book like the one i read today, about the Samples' and how they came to america and have been in coal from the beginning. never rich. well, never cash rich. love rich and music rich in excess. history rich. i think maybe if you cut us grandkids open there would be coal, creekwater, and fiddle strings. and i like that. and i don't ever want to lose that. maybe it's spending the few days in DC again, with the still not knowing if i'm moving, but it makes me appreciate home more and more. i miss playin in the creek. and helping out in the garden. things like that.
LJ came up in his little old italian sportscar that barely runs and we went for a drive. it was a great day for it. he's an adult now too, which is so crazy. he said something this afternoon so profound and serious, that i had to stop and look at hime, because it's hard to think of him saying something that spot-on. and the funny part is, he was talking about his car. where as i heard the words about life. he was talking about how something or other was broken on it, but that that was ok since it was a hand-me-down of sorts from an uncle of his. but he said (paraphrasing) that you're never given anything perfect. you've got to work for perfect, and most of the time even the imperfect gifts when worked on turn out better than something that was perfect to begin with because you appreciate them more. that kid. he's smarter than any of us give him credit for. it's something we all could take a moment to remember.
i've been feeling sorry for myself some this afternoon, which i have no business doing at all. so i'm taking the time to think in LJ terms and work to appreciate what i have, for what i can turn it into. i'm glad for the memories and the history in my life and family thus far.
I realized that I don't really talk much about my cousins on moms side of the family on this blog. It's mostly I guess because I just don't see them as often. And that's my own fault really.
Josh and Jeremy were my heroes growing up. They were just enough older to still play with us but be cool. Everything they liked meant Michael and I also liked it. Ninja turtles. WWF. Catchin craw dads in the creek. Everything was extra fun.
And of course as we got older, they became even more impressive. All my girl friends were half in love with josh. He was the nice shy football player.
He and Jeremy both have had some pretty rotten luck in life, some of their own making. But they always had smiles and hugs whenever all the family managed to get together, which is less frequent now that our grandparents have passed away and we are all adults and have jobs and that nonsense. Josh especially has always seemed to have just shitty luck with girlfriends. I guess that's a round about way of saying that I really like Erica from what little I know her. She doesn't mind livin in strange creek. She seems to enjoy our crazy family. And there is no doubt in my mind that she loves my cousin.
They had the wedding in the church josh and Jeremy grew up in, the one our grandparents went to all their lives. It is small and country, but that suited them. Josh gets so shy and so the actual ceremony was incredibly short. He got choked up in his vows and me and everyone on there started crying at that. Samples men just don't show emotion in public (I must be more Samples than ware) and for him to do that you could feel in your gut how happy and emotional he was. It absolutely reaffirmed my faith in real love. Real honest, real forever love. I hope I can be lucky enough to find someone who loves me how josh loves Erica. Hell even now it's making me feel all testy eyed.
The reception was short and informal and then all the family went back to my aunts house to hang out. All in all it was just a really great day. Today I feel kinda sad, like I usually do after a day have pure happiness like that. I want my turn at that. I hope i can have it someday.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Josh and Jeremy were my heroes growing up. They were just enough older to still play with us but be cool. Everything they liked meant Michael and I also liked it. Ninja turtles. WWF. Catchin craw dads in the creek. Everything was extra fun.
And of course as we got older, they became even more impressive. All my girl friends were half in love with josh. He was the nice shy football player.
He and Jeremy both have had some pretty rotten luck in life, some of their own making. But they always had smiles and hugs whenever all the family managed to get together, which is less frequent now that our grandparents have passed away and we are all adults and have jobs and that nonsense. Josh especially has always seemed to have just shitty luck with girlfriends. I guess that's a round about way of saying that I really like Erica from what little I know her. She doesn't mind livin in strange creek. She seems to enjoy our crazy family. And there is no doubt in my mind that she loves my cousin.
They had the wedding in the church josh and Jeremy grew up in, the one our grandparents went to all their lives. It is small and country, but that suited them. Josh gets so shy and so the actual ceremony was incredibly short. He got choked up in his vows and me and everyone on there started crying at that. Samples men just don't show emotion in public (I must be more Samples than ware) and for him to do that you could feel in your gut how happy and emotional he was. It absolutely reaffirmed my faith in real love. Real honest, real forever love. I hope I can be lucky enough to find someone who loves me how josh loves Erica. Hell even now it's making me feel all testy eyed.
The reception was short and informal and then all the family went back to my aunts house to hang out. All in all it was just a really great day. Today I feel kinda sad, like I usually do after a day have pure happiness like that. I want my turn at that. I hope i can have it someday.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Friday, April 27, 2012
We are heading out of the magical train wreck that is our capital city. Yesterday was such a long and strange day, both good and bad bits.
Let's get the bad bits out of the way first:
The work day was long, but thts to be expected. I wish I could talk abt what it is exactly we are doing right now bc it's interesting and people either get funding or they don't.
The second bad is I had yet another ridiculous email exchange with zach. Full well knowing he would be petulant and rude I sent an email asking if he was ok. That is all I said. A valid question considering the last time he went off the deepend he married a stranger. In response I got I was a barrage of hate telling me to fuck off, am a whore, and he was contacting the authorities bc he didn't have to take this. So. That's fine. If he wants to do that we can do that. I've got email, from his work account mind, telling me to die. I think perhaps that might be more damning?
So that was annoying. But there were so many good parts. We had a great dinner at the Thai Place with one of our clients and I got the love of my life, Tom Yup soup. We then went back to the bar at the Ritz to have drinks. And I'm sorry, but I'm waaaay too poor to drink there. Haha. I was supposed to meet up with Brett later in the evening so I decided to go take a bath in my giant tub. Which was just magical. However. The combo of drinking and a hot bath made me incredibly tired and I fell asleep and completely missed all of Brett's messages. Haha. I think at that point I'd rather have a good nights sleep anyway!
In other wonderful news I've now reached my goal funding for the warrior dash!!! In the last few days Todd, Bethany, and John (friend of a friend) all made huge donations and I met my goal. I could kiss them all right on the mouth. I'm going to train extra hard now bc I have these people to make proud. And that includes Ranae and Shainna and Steph as well, as they are my other donors. I will not cry bc I'm telling myself I won't. But thank you all from the bottom of my heart. You are what keep me going in everything. Love you.
For now. It's a beautiful day and I hope an uneventful ride home. Here are some pics.
From hotel
Random building.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Let's get the bad bits out of the way first:
The work day was long, but thts to be expected. I wish I could talk abt what it is exactly we are doing right now bc it's interesting and people either get funding or they don't.
The second bad is I had yet another ridiculous email exchange with zach. Full well knowing he would be petulant and rude I sent an email asking if he was ok. That is all I said. A valid question considering the last time he went off the deepend he married a stranger. In response I got I was a barrage of hate telling me to fuck off, am a whore, and he was contacting the authorities bc he didn't have to take this. So. That's fine. If he wants to do that we can do that. I've got email, from his work account mind, telling me to die. I think perhaps that might be more damning?
So that was annoying. But there were so many good parts. We had a great dinner at the Thai Place with one of our clients and I got the love of my life, Tom Yup soup. We then went back to the bar at the Ritz to have drinks. And I'm sorry, but I'm waaaay too poor to drink there. Haha. I was supposed to meet up with Brett later in the evening so I decided to go take a bath in my giant tub. Which was just magical. However. The combo of drinking and a hot bath made me incredibly tired and I fell asleep and completely missed all of Brett's messages. Haha. I think at that point I'd rather have a good nights sleep anyway!
In other wonderful news I've now reached my goal funding for the warrior dash!!! In the last few days Todd, Bethany, and John (friend of a friend) all made huge donations and I met my goal. I could kiss them all right on the mouth. I'm going to train extra hard now bc I have these people to make proud. And that includes Ranae and Shainna and Steph as well, as they are my other donors. I will not cry bc I'm telling myself I won't. But thank you all from the bottom of my heart. You are what keep me going in everything. Love you.
For now. It's a beautiful day and I hope an uneventful ride home. Here are some pics.
From hotel
Random building.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Such a long day. Loooong day.
It was beautiful out though, and I just realized that I didn't take any daylight pics. We were going to walk to work bc it's reasonably close, but rachael overslept and we had to drive. Blugh.
We worked in the EPA building which looks nice outside but is very outdated inside. But everything ran pretty smoothly.
This evening we went to dinner at a Moroccan restaurant which was a new experiences. Seven courses and a belly dancer show. I'm stuffed. It was pretty good, but I think I like Ethiopian food better.
I did have a really great convo on the phone with my supervisor this evening which totally made up for any crappy and stressful thing lately. We had our performance reviews and they've finally been scored and our raises tabulated. We are ranked 1-5 (five best and also impossible) and were told during the process briefing that no one should expect any higher than a 3. Well I musta done something right this year, bc I got a 4!! And bc of that, I got a 3.6% raise. Hearing all that made all the bs I deal with so worth it. I'm glad people recognize how much I've taken on.
I've started watching another of oprahs life classes and it's prob the one I need most, on forgiveness. And I took this screenshot and it's true.
And jebus. How true is that and how much did I need to hear that. I've carried so much baggage through everything. And unnecessary guilt, for finally starting to move on. So I need to work on all these things.
And now. I need to go to bed. I need rest. For tomorrow, well, it's planned to be interesting.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
It was beautiful out though, and I just realized that I didn't take any daylight pics. We were going to walk to work bc it's reasonably close, but rachael overslept and we had to drive. Blugh.
We worked in the EPA building which looks nice outside but is very outdated inside. But everything ran pretty smoothly.
This evening we went to dinner at a Moroccan restaurant which was a new experiences. Seven courses and a belly dancer show. I'm stuffed. It was pretty good, but I think I like Ethiopian food better.
I did have a really great convo on the phone with my supervisor this evening which totally made up for any crappy and stressful thing lately. We had our performance reviews and they've finally been scored and our raises tabulated. We are ranked 1-5 (five best and also impossible) and were told during the process briefing that no one should expect any higher than a 3. Well I musta done something right this year, bc I got a 4!! And bc of that, I got a 3.6% raise. Hearing all that made all the bs I deal with so worth it. I'm glad people recognize how much I've taken on.
I've started watching another of oprahs life classes and it's prob the one I need most, on forgiveness. And I took this screenshot and it's true.
And jebus. How true is that and how much did I need to hear that. I've carried so much baggage through everything. And unnecessary guilt, for finally starting to move on. So I need to work on all these things.
And now. I need to go to bed. I need rest. For tomorrow, well, it's planned to be interesting.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Yea. I'm in a really exciting city and I'm in bed by ten pm. Imma rockstar. At least this bed is comfortable and I Can burrow down in all the blankets and pillows.
Rachael and I went to Ris for dinner. Epitome of overpriced snobbery. I had chicken pot pie. Maybe it's bc I am in a cranky mood but I've had just as good from Marie calendar. And for about $49 less. Not as fancy sure. But still. Tomorrow I'm
Getting Thai.
There was a large dude sitting
Beside us and he must be someone important bc it seemed like everyone stopped to say hello to him and the chef came out to chat. No clue who he was.
Rachael is also convinced that Darren criss or whoever he is is staying in our hotel.
Meh meh. I'm going to go to bed. It's gonna be a long day tomorrow. I have not a good feeling. Not abt work necessarily but just a bad feeling in general. Hope everyone is ok.
Much love!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Sometimes, the truth hurts. But everyone deserves to hear the truth.
That said. Zach went total nuts on me in an assortment of emails from his work email account (this is after telling me to never speak to him again bc I ruin his life) about what a terrible human being I am and how my recent actions have ruined us ever being together (bc you know, being told to never speak to someone again implies things will happen in the future), called me an assortment of names and told me to die. That's the short and clean version of the events. I know he must be hurting by the amount of hateful petulant words in a number of emails. The hypocrisy is amazing.
But what exactly did he think would happen? That I'd continue to live life as a nun and watch him have one failed relationship after another? No thank you.
Do I like how things are, no. But things aren't changing. I put nearly a solid year into it. I tried. I still love him and some part of me always will. But there is no point in continuing to make myself miserable. If I'm going to open myself up to the chance of new and positive experiences I can't continue to dwell on something that is nothing. I gave him 11 months worth of chances all while he fucked/lived with/married/and divorced two other girls. I think I did more than enough. I can't spend the rest of my life on someone else's back burner as validation that someone out there still loves them.
Does this all make me sad? Incredibly. This is the official end all be all of there ever even being a percentage of anything happening ever. I can't even mathematically process what it would take for me to ever take him back now.
So now, I'm Sittin in the passenger seat as we head to DC for work for a few days. I'm hoping my crummy mood and attitude will go away. If not, well. It will eventually. Everything happens for a reason, right?
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
That said. Zach went total nuts on me in an assortment of emails from his work email account (this is after telling me to never speak to him again bc I ruin his life) about what a terrible human being I am and how my recent actions have ruined us ever being together (bc you know, being told to never speak to someone again implies things will happen in the future), called me an assortment of names and told me to die. That's the short and clean version of the events. I know he must be hurting by the amount of hateful petulant words in a number of emails. The hypocrisy is amazing.
But what exactly did he think would happen? That I'd continue to live life as a nun and watch him have one failed relationship after another? No thank you.
Do I like how things are, no. But things aren't changing. I put nearly a solid year into it. I tried. I still love him and some part of me always will. But there is no point in continuing to make myself miserable. If I'm going to open myself up to the chance of new and positive experiences I can't continue to dwell on something that is nothing. I gave him 11 months worth of chances all while he fucked/lived with/married/and divorced two other girls. I think I did more than enough. I can't spend the rest of my life on someone else's back burner as validation that someone out there still loves them.
Does this all make me sad? Incredibly. This is the official end all be all of there ever even being a percentage of anything happening ever. I can't even mathematically process what it would take for me to ever take him back now.
So now, I'm Sittin in the passenger seat as we head to DC for work for a few days. I'm hoping my crummy mood and attitude will go away. If not, well. It will eventually. Everything happens for a reason, right?
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Layin in bed a little longer this morning bc I know when I get up that things will be a whirlwind til Saturday. Calypso is glued to me. They can always tell when you're leavin for a bit.
I had dreams all night of how things "should" be, but aren't. I guess though if that's how they should be then they would be like that already huh? It's interesting, how you can love and hate someone equally, so fervently. Neither gets you anywhere.
I should get up. So much to do today. I think I'm gonna have dinner with Brett tonight once we get into town if I'm feelin like it. I figure, why not. Maybe he'll get lucky and I'll take him back to the hotel with me. Hah.
I suppose I should get up now. The sun is out today so that's good. Maybe good things are going to happen after all.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I had dreams all night of how things "should" be, but aren't. I guess though if that's how they should be then they would be like that already huh? It's interesting, how you can love and hate someone equally, so fervently. Neither gets you anywhere.
I should get up. So much to do today. I think I'm gonna have dinner with Brett tonight once we get into town if I'm feelin like it. I figure, why not. Maybe he'll get lucky and I'll take him back to the hotel with me. Hah.
I suppose I should get up now. The sun is out today so that's good. Maybe good things are going to happen after all.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Monday, April 23, 2012
I just had the most bizarre phone interview. I know I'm being moved to the next round. I'm not actually even considering the job as a real idea) but I figure I'll see it through and see what they come up with.
We get to stay at the Ritz again for work so that's exciting.
I'm eating mini donuts for dinner. And I'm ok with that dammit. It's been a long long day.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
We get to stay at the Ritz again for work so that's exciting.
I'm eating mini donuts for dinner. And I'm ok with that dammit. It's been a long long day.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Sunday, April 22, 2012
i know i ask you all to watch a lot of videos, but please watch this one:
going through and watching it I felt like I try to approach it as Contestant #1 does, with the respect, Contestant #6 with the helping each other to evolve, and Contestant#7 with just the simple purity of it. I want a combination of those things in my life. I don't think that's too much to ask out of life either. It's interesting to watch this from a scientific perspective, seeing how there really are palpable physical responses. maybe this will help some people see how i view things in life, i dont know. I also think it's beautiful to figure out at the end (spoiler) that #1 and #6 are married. and Contestant #7. wow. it's just overpowering.
i also watched this this afternoon, and it made a lot of sense to me. i know i have a lot to work on within myself, and many times i'll try to work on other people and help them with their problems so that i dont have to focus on my own. it's all given me a lot to think about.
i had a really great time at dinner this evening. it felt so nice to just feel... i dont even know. interesting. funny. the focus of something even if it was just a laugh over some pizza. but you know what, some of the best experiences in life are little things like laughs over pizza. we made tentative plans to go again when i get back from DC. and i'm genuinely looking forward to it.
i do genuinely try to show love and kindness to everyone i meet. i know many times i need to work on it. and i know i'm quick to anger and can get mean. and i need to work on that. i need to show others how much i appreciate them.
love to everyone out there.
going through and watching it I felt like I try to approach it as Contestant #1 does, with the respect, Contestant #6 with the helping each other to evolve, and Contestant#7 with just the simple purity of it. I want a combination of those things in my life. I don't think that's too much to ask out of life either. It's interesting to watch this from a scientific perspective, seeing how there really are palpable physical responses. maybe this will help some people see how i view things in life, i dont know. I also think it's beautiful to figure out at the end (spoiler) that #1 and #6 are married. and Contestant #7. wow. it's just overpowering.
i also watched this this afternoon, and it made a lot of sense to me. i know i have a lot to work on within myself, and many times i'll try to work on other people and help them with their problems so that i dont have to focus on my own. it's all given me a lot to think about.
i had a really great time at dinner this evening. it felt so nice to just feel... i dont even know. interesting. funny. the focus of something even if it was just a laugh over some pizza. but you know what, some of the best experiences in life are little things like laughs over pizza. we made tentative plans to go again when i get back from DC. and i'm genuinely looking forward to it.
i do genuinely try to show love and kindness to everyone i meet. i know many times i need to work on it. and i know i'm quick to anger and can get mean. and i need to work on that. i need to show others how much i appreciate them.
love to everyone out there.
i finally did the last thing i really needed to do, and deleted all the photos of zach from everything. phone. facebook. everything. the photo of my ring. the photo with his family. a photo with my family. the alligator pool. coopers rock. christmas. his bday. my bday. the day we got engaged.the bouquets i made. the pic of when i tried on my wedding dress. all gone. it was surprisingly cathartic. i know i can't erase him from the history of my life or the impact it has had on it thus far, but i can be proactive about where it goes from here.
he called me a bit ago to scream at me. that i ruin his life. etc etc. i dont know why i bothered to take the time to try to explain and reason and use logic with him. he is past that now. i am past that now. i'm tired of being blamed for someone elses shortcomings and their inability to accept it. you try to help someone, and you get cruelty in return. there is nothing going to change with him. so i wish him well, but enough.
this april i'm doing what should have happen last april, had i not been lied to and strung along. i'm thankful for the experience but i knkow that even alone i'm better off than being a punching bag. you may not see my bruises and scars, but they are there none the less. and i've encouraged others to leave abusive people for much less. it's time i take my own medicine.
i actually feel surprisingly good. i feel... clean. you know sometimes you give your best and if it fails its not bc you didnt try.
i want to be a part of good things. i want to bring happiness into the lives of others. and i can't do that if i'm feeling sorry for myself bc someone is constantly tearing me down. the phone is blocked again and i've made it clear that if he contacts further, then there will be legal action involved. i hope this time he stays gone. and if he doesnt and i fall for his particular like of bullshit again, i'm counting on you all to remind me, once again, how stupid i am. bc i fear it will happen again someday, that he'll pop up again. and i'll want to help him even though he doesnt deserve. i am glad that he doesn't have any friends left here and that he has no reason to step foot in this town.
i've been stuck in an oubliette of mind for far too long.
my rescheduled dinner date is tonight, and i'm actually really excited for it. i'm even getting picked up and dont have to drive. and for those of you who know me, know thats pretty much the highlight of any adventure, not having to drive. even though i think it's just a dinner with a friend, everyone else thinks its a date. maybe it is, i dont know. i'm ok with it being either. it's the small steps that get you the farthest. it's something i have to remind myself. maybe i overreacted a little bit lately, it's something i'm very good at doing. but. i'm going to be ok. truly. i get sad sometimes and i genuinely have no idea where my life is going. but i dont think that this all happened for no reason. maybe i'll move or maybe i wont, i dont know. maybe i'll meet someone who i'll spend the rest of my life with and maybe i wont. but i'm not goin to give up hope like i said yesterday. bc if you give up hope then you have nothing to live for. and there are too many things i havent seen yet to not have anything to live for.
i'll always pray for zach and hope the best for him. he's got a very long way to go until he's happy with himself. but i think even he can do it if he's willing to put the work in. so thats what i hope for him.
as for now? me and poochie are going to watch a movie and pack for travel for worth this week and get prettied up for my dinner this evening. much love to everyone out there. thank you for bearing with me through my ups and downs. i mean well in all of them, and sometimes good intentions are all youve got.
he called me a bit ago to scream at me. that i ruin his life. etc etc. i dont know why i bothered to take the time to try to explain and reason and use logic with him. he is past that now. i am past that now. i'm tired of being blamed for someone elses shortcomings and their inability to accept it. you try to help someone, and you get cruelty in return. there is nothing going to change with him. so i wish him well, but enough.
this april i'm doing what should have happen last april, had i not been lied to and strung along. i'm thankful for the experience but i knkow that even alone i'm better off than being a punching bag. you may not see my bruises and scars, but they are there none the less. and i've encouraged others to leave abusive people for much less. it's time i take my own medicine.
i actually feel surprisingly good. i feel... clean. you know sometimes you give your best and if it fails its not bc you didnt try.
i want to be a part of good things. i want to bring happiness into the lives of others. and i can't do that if i'm feeling sorry for myself bc someone is constantly tearing me down. the phone is blocked again and i've made it clear that if he contacts further, then there will be legal action involved. i hope this time he stays gone. and if he doesnt and i fall for his particular like of bullshit again, i'm counting on you all to remind me, once again, how stupid i am. bc i fear it will happen again someday, that he'll pop up again. and i'll want to help him even though he doesnt deserve. i am glad that he doesn't have any friends left here and that he has no reason to step foot in this town.
i've been stuck in an oubliette of mind for far too long.
my rescheduled dinner date is tonight, and i'm actually really excited for it. i'm even getting picked up and dont have to drive. and for those of you who know me, know thats pretty much the highlight of any adventure, not having to drive. even though i think it's just a dinner with a friend, everyone else thinks its a date. maybe it is, i dont know. i'm ok with it being either. it's the small steps that get you the farthest. it's something i have to remind myself. maybe i overreacted a little bit lately, it's something i'm very good at doing. but. i'm going to be ok. truly. i get sad sometimes and i genuinely have no idea where my life is going. but i dont think that this all happened for no reason. maybe i'll move or maybe i wont, i dont know. maybe i'll meet someone who i'll spend the rest of my life with and maybe i wont. but i'm not goin to give up hope like i said yesterday. bc if you give up hope then you have nothing to live for. and there are too many things i havent seen yet to not have anything to live for.
i'll always pray for zach and hope the best for him. he's got a very long way to go until he's happy with himself. but i think even he can do it if he's willing to put the work in. so thats what i hope for him.
as for now? me and poochie are going to watch a movie and pack for travel for worth this week and get prettied up for my dinner this evening. much love to everyone out there. thank you for bearing with me through my ups and downs. i mean well in all of them, and sometimes good intentions are all youve got.
I noticed this mailbox yesterday while on my run and I liked that it looks like a heart in the rust.
I stayed up way too late last night talking to Brandon about life and love and my viewpoint on both. And it may not always be the healthiest, but I think it's the most honest and real thing about me that I can offer. I'm sure there is some way to tie it with the photo, being able to see love despite imperfections or trying to not become so jaded with life that my heart becomes rusty or some other hallmark like sentiment.
Things don't look so bad in the daylight. I know it was my own fault for allowing myself to believe lies again. And I think I'm
More than fine that he got caught, bc he deserves to be. I felt bad at first bc i dont want to hurt people but then i realized that no one should be allowed to hurt and lie to anyone. Because someone's love is not a plaything, nor something that should be abused. And actions have always and will always speak louder than any words.
It's time I get my head screwed back on in the right direction and continue the forward moving process.
Much love to everyone.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I stayed up way too late last night talking to Brandon about life and love and my viewpoint on both. And it may not always be the healthiest, but I think it's the most honest and real thing about me that I can offer. I'm sure there is some way to tie it with the photo, being able to see love despite imperfections or trying to not become so jaded with life that my heart becomes rusty or some other hallmark like sentiment.
Things don't look so bad in the daylight. I know it was my own fault for allowing myself to believe lies again. And I think I'm
More than fine that he got caught, bc he deserves to be. I felt bad at first bc i dont want to hurt people but then i realized that no one should be allowed to hurt and lie to anyone. Because someone's love is not a plaything, nor something that should be abused. And actions have always and will always speak louder than any words.
It's time I get my head screwed back on in the right direction and continue the forward moving process.
Much love to everyone.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Update. Shainna wants everyone to know that no, she wasn't joking when she thought it might have been zach shooting at and that she was legitimately worried. Bc "unstable people are.... well... Unstable."
I recently tried to convince him he wasn't a sociopath when he said he was. What the hell was I thinking. If you admit to it then you probably are.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I recently tried to convince him he wasn't a sociopath when he said he was. What the hell was I thinking. If you admit to it then you probably are.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
It's after midnight. Which means its a new day. A chance to do good in the world.
I've said it before. I hope I stand by it this time. But I wont listen to anymore of zachs lies. I got a message earlier that "if I respected him I won't send any more messages bc I got him in so much trouble." to that I say, good. I'm not going to be hidden. I'm not going to be another of his lies. He deserves the trouble he is in. I care about him sure, but it's time he sees the consequences of his actions. You can't play people and abuse their trust and feelings. He needs to learn the meaning of the word respect before he goes throwing it about.
New day. Let's see what kind of a crazy train wreck I can make of this one.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I've said it before. I hope I stand by it this time. But I wont listen to anymore of zachs lies. I got a message earlier that "if I respected him I won't send any more messages bc I got him in so much trouble." to that I say, good. I'm not going to be hidden. I'm not going to be another of his lies. He deserves the trouble he is in. I care about him sure, but it's time he sees the consequences of his actions. You can't play people and abuse their trust and feelings. He needs to learn the meaning of the word respect before he goes throwing it about.
New day. Let's see what kind of a crazy train wreck I can make of this one.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Saturday, April 21, 2012
So the worst feeling, the very worst, is hearing your mom
Cry bc she's hearing you cry and
Choke out how miserable you are. I should have never started being honest with her abt my life. Well. Not totally honest. She asked if zach had contacted me recently and I said no. It's just easier.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Cry bc she's hearing you cry and
Choke out how miserable you are. I should have never started being honest with her abt my life. Well. Not totally honest. She asked if zach had contacted me recently and I said no. It's just easier.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
i was going to go out with the girls last night, bc we have all been out of sorts lately and needed a night off. i left the screen door and the windows open, so that the breeze would blow through. and as i left i could hear the dog. and those of you who dont have dogs dont know the sound of a dog crying. its some painful sound btwn a howl and a bark. and it just ripped right through me. i made it to sheetz before i was sobbing so hard i had to turn around and come home. bc that sound, i know she thought i was deserting her. and i couldnt do that. this dog has been the only constant in my life for the last four years. and she thought i was deserting her.
i know what it feels like to be deserted. it's been nearly a year and i feel it every single day with every single breath i take. i do well sometimes about how things are. but you all know when i dont. you see it too well.
i know my life is not bad by any stretch of the imagination. i have a very very good life. i have a good job and make good money and have amazing friends. and i am happy sometimes. i'd be lying if i said i wasnt. but i am so tired. of this. i'm tired of still caring about someone who hasn't cared about me in a long time.
and the DC job.. who knows if that will even ever happen. they pushed the may contract date back a month. which isn't good news but it apparently isn't bad news either. it just means more waiting, more not knowing. if this was the year to teach me patience, it's working. or rather, it's teaching me to lose faith in hope. i keep clinging to the idea that everything happens for a reason and this is just a lesson i'll be grateful for in time.
if i had any money i'd just take it and run away for awhile. but i dont. i'm pretty much broke. which i know is ridiculous. i tried to explain it to mom and she just doesnt understand. either i buy books so that i can escape into someone elses story for even a moment in time, or i give it all away to charities bc the stories break my heart and i want someone to have a chance at something better than they've got. that is why i'm broke. and i'm not entirely sorry about it.
i'm probably just talking garbage bc i'm tired and it's miserable outside and i set myself up for heartbreak again.
sometimes i think i'm just a monster.
i know what it feels like to be deserted. it's been nearly a year and i feel it every single day with every single breath i take. i do well sometimes about how things are. but you all know when i dont. you see it too well.
i know my life is not bad by any stretch of the imagination. i have a very very good life. i have a good job and make good money and have amazing friends. and i am happy sometimes. i'd be lying if i said i wasnt. but i am so tired. of this. i'm tired of still caring about someone who hasn't cared about me in a long time.
and the DC job.. who knows if that will even ever happen. they pushed the may contract date back a month. which isn't good news but it apparently isn't bad news either. it just means more waiting, more not knowing. if this was the year to teach me patience, it's working. or rather, it's teaching me to lose faith in hope. i keep clinging to the idea that everything happens for a reason and this is just a lesson i'll be grateful for in time.
if i had any money i'd just take it and run away for awhile. but i dont. i'm pretty much broke. which i know is ridiculous. i tried to explain it to mom and she just doesnt understand. either i buy books so that i can escape into someone elses story for even a moment in time, or i give it all away to charities bc the stories break my heart and i want someone to have a chance at something better than they've got. that is why i'm broke. and i'm not entirely sorry about it.
i'm probably just talking garbage bc i'm tired and it's miserable outside and i set myself up for heartbreak again.
sometimes i think i'm just a monster.
while i was out running this morning a female was shot to death at the walmart up by where zach and i used to live at lockwood. it turns out that brandon knew her in high school and was pretty good friends with her.
it's horrifying. i cannot understand how people can do that. i cant believe it happens here. this isn't small town wv anymore i guess. i just cant fathom that kind of hatred and cruelty.
shainna messaged me to make sure i wasnt there or involved or anything. she said she was afraid that zach had finally gone off the deep end. i'm not 100% certain if she was joking or not.
no one deserves to hurt. ever.
it's horrifying. i cannot understand how people can do that. i cant believe it happens here. this isn't small town wv anymore i guess. i just cant fathom that kind of hatred and cruelty.
shainna messaged me to make sure i wasnt there or involved or anything. she said she was afraid that zach had finally gone off the deep end. i'm not 100% certain if she was joking or not.
no one deserves to hurt. ever.
i feel like an asshole.
i knew that zachs gf/fiance/whatever was coming back from ireland soon and i knew (or so i was told, anyway) he had a lot to deal with upon her return and being the tenderhearted sucker that i am, i stayed up all night last night worrying. i felt so worried that (i know, believe me, i know) i unblocked his phone number this morning and texted him telling him i'd unblcoked it and i hoped he was ok and if he needed to talk that i'd be an ear, or i could reblock if he preferred.
you dont need to tell me i'm stupid, i already know that.
i got a text back later while i was running that said 'who is this?' not thinking anything of it except him being an ass i jsut texted 'harhar, funny.' and then it hit me that probably she had his phone. and i felt and still feel like twelve kinds of terrible. i tried to apologize and i said 'unless this is whit. at which point believe me when i say i only want the best for zach and if he's happy with you then that makes me happy. treat him well, ok?" the response i got was 'this isnt witney now leave me alone.'
which means it was whitney. and or zach after she read the texts. i forgot momentarily that he'd been lying to her about speaking to me. as far as she knew he'd blocked my number and contact and if he spoke to me she was going to leave him. all i heard for the last three weeks was how crummy things were with her and this, that and the other. and i bought it hook, line, and sinker.
i'm guessing they had no problems. i'm guessing he was just bored while she was in ireland and wanted to play a game of cat and mouse. i'm so damn good at being the mouse. stupid fucking mouse.
did more than a little part of me hope they would break up bc he realized how far off the path of his life he was and that he'd drive to morgantown in the middle of the night to apologize and sweep me off my feet? yes. i did. bc i am that fool.
how many times can i let him burn me?
i legitimately thought we did have a good conversation a few days ago about how he came to mistrust me and how he didn't take the time to ask questions or see things from my perspective or try to work on it. i thought we finally both were on the same page and were acting like adults. i guess i was mistaken about that too.
i wont pretend that i'm not hurt. but i know i absolutely deserve every bit of it this time. i should have known this would happen. deep down, i did know this would happen. but. that doesnt change the fact that deep down i also genuinely do want him to be happy. and i'm afraid i may have screwed that up for him now if it was she who answered his phone. i didn't mean to cause trouble. i don't want to be that person. i just want to be helpful. it seems the more helpful i try to be, the more problems and hatred arise.
it is a dreary day outside. i went and ran in the rain bc i couldn't sit here all day thinking about it. it only killed a little bit of time.
what is wrong with me? how can i be so stupid? why can't i meet someone who is trustworthy? how many times am i going to allow myself to be lied to.
i knew that zachs gf/fiance/whatever was coming back from ireland soon and i knew (or so i was told, anyway) he had a lot to deal with upon her return and being the tenderhearted sucker that i am, i stayed up all night last night worrying. i felt so worried that (i know, believe me, i know) i unblocked his phone number this morning and texted him telling him i'd unblcoked it and i hoped he was ok and if he needed to talk that i'd be an ear, or i could reblock if he preferred.
you dont need to tell me i'm stupid, i already know that.
i got a text back later while i was running that said 'who is this?' not thinking anything of it except him being an ass i jsut texted 'harhar, funny.' and then it hit me that probably she had his phone. and i felt and still feel like twelve kinds of terrible. i tried to apologize and i said 'unless this is whit. at which point believe me when i say i only want the best for zach and if he's happy with you then that makes me happy. treat him well, ok?" the response i got was 'this isnt witney now leave me alone.'
which means it was whitney. and or zach after she read the texts. i forgot momentarily that he'd been lying to her about speaking to me. as far as she knew he'd blocked my number and contact and if he spoke to me she was going to leave him. all i heard for the last three weeks was how crummy things were with her and this, that and the other. and i bought it hook, line, and sinker.
i'm guessing they had no problems. i'm guessing he was just bored while she was in ireland and wanted to play a game of cat and mouse. i'm so damn good at being the mouse. stupid fucking mouse.
did more than a little part of me hope they would break up bc he realized how far off the path of his life he was and that he'd drive to morgantown in the middle of the night to apologize and sweep me off my feet? yes. i did. bc i am that fool.
how many times can i let him burn me?
i legitimately thought we did have a good conversation a few days ago about how he came to mistrust me and how he didn't take the time to ask questions or see things from my perspective or try to work on it. i thought we finally both were on the same page and were acting like adults. i guess i was mistaken about that too.
i wont pretend that i'm not hurt. but i know i absolutely deserve every bit of it this time. i should have known this would happen. deep down, i did know this would happen. but. that doesnt change the fact that deep down i also genuinely do want him to be happy. and i'm afraid i may have screwed that up for him now if it was she who answered his phone. i didn't mean to cause trouble. i don't want to be that person. i just want to be helpful. it seems the more helpful i try to be, the more problems and hatred arise.
it is a dreary day outside. i went and ran in the rain bc i couldn't sit here all day thinking about it. it only killed a little bit of time.
what is wrong with me? how can i be so stupid? why can't i meet someone who is trustworthy? how many times am i going to allow myself to be lied to.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Thursday, April 19, 2012
I could spend all day looking at these. Sometimes I would like to cover my walls in books.
Love
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Love
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Today has been total bullshit. And for once not any emotional heartbreak type bullshit (though that's always there, right under the surface). But just bad luck bs.
Woke up early and decided to go on into work. Except I couldn't. Bc I had a flat tire. I got ahold of a coworker to pick me up finally, but they didn't come for nearly an hour. So that set my day cranky. Then. I check my bank account and my student loan came out twice again (a new company has taken over the loan stuff and I think something in their system is wron bc it has done this the last couple months). This pissed me off to no end. I knew if incould get to the bank before noon and take care of it I wouldn't have overdraft fees. Only I have no car. So I borrow another car and get that taken care of. As a thank you I pick up lunch. I decided to treat myself to chicken nuggets. What aren't in the bag when I get back to work? Nuggets.
Since I dont know how long it'll take to get my tire fixed when Jason gets here, I had to cancel all my plans this evening which pissed me off to no end. I've tentatively rescheduled for next week but still. It's principle.
Since the day was so crummy I figured I might as well go ahead and run. I got my best time thus far, which is good, but I nearly passed out.
I could really go for something good to happen this evening. Really.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Woke up early and decided to go on into work. Except I couldn't. Bc I had a flat tire. I got ahold of a coworker to pick me up finally, but they didn't come for nearly an hour. So that set my day cranky. Then. I check my bank account and my student loan came out twice again (a new company has taken over the loan stuff and I think something in their system is wron bc it has done this the last couple months). This pissed me off to no end. I knew if incould get to the bank before noon and take care of it I wouldn't have overdraft fees. Only I have no car. So I borrow another car and get that taken care of. As a thank you I pick up lunch. I decided to treat myself to chicken nuggets. What aren't in the bag when I get back to work? Nuggets.
Since I dont know how long it'll take to get my tire fixed when Jason gets here, I had to cancel all my plans this evening which pissed me off to no end. I've tentatively rescheduled for next week but still. It's principle.
Since the day was so crummy I figured I might as well go ahead and run. I got my best time thus far, which is good, but I nearly passed out.
I could really go for something good to happen this evening. Really.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Monday, April 16, 2012
Idiot dog curled up like this with me to sleep. It cracks me up when she has zombie paws. (sleeping with them sticking out) I think she is trying to make up for stealing my sandwich.
It's been a perfect evening to open all the windows. The breeze is just wonderful.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
It's been a perfect evening to open all the windows. The breeze is just wonderful.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Also, a bit of comedy I guess. Where I was bored and applying for jobs randomly all weekend in warm towns, I got a callback about one today. In Wilmington. I loooove that town. They told me upfront the money and wanted to know if I'd still be interested. It's less than what I make now. And with the cost of living being higher there, it just wasn't financially responsible. Maybe if I wasnt going alone. So emailed back and said thank you and that I appreciated the offer and all, but would have to negotiate on the salary. They said they were sorry but couldn't come up any. So, I won't be taking that job. It was nice in theory and it's good that people are interested I guess. But if I move anywhere, even somewhere I love, I've got to be responsible about it.
So hopefully if that one liked me, others may too.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
So hopefully if that one liked me, others may too.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
so last night when i was getting ready for bed, i received a barrage of text messages accusing me of being all sorts of a terrible person. i'll give you three guesses who it was from. he reads this blog, which i assumed he still did. and instead of taking the time to read what i was actually saying, he formed an assumption, which was so far off base it's in another galaxy, and then proceeded to try to make me feel like shit. no two ways about it, that was the entire point. now. we've had this argument before. pretty much since the day we started dating, on whether or not he can trust me. for those of you who know me, you know that is the stupidest thing ever said. but its my fault for x,y,and z, and horrible person etc etc. and i just lost it. i defended myself to no end. but then i realized there is no point in bothering, bc the point wasnt to say i did something here. we both know i didnt do anything. the point was he felt shitty and wanted someone else to also feel shitty.
so i do what i always do and try to HELP. bc if you're crying that loudly for help (figuratively) then i'm going to do my best to help you. but i'm sure those of you who have followed this for oh, a day, know that was a waste of time. there is absolutely nothing i can do. and i hate that. and it'd hard to accept. but i just cant. i tried. i listened to reasons things are my fault. excuses for why he did/didnt do things. and what it comes down to is that it just doesnt matter. he can hate me and blame me for everything all he wants, i just dont want to hear it anymore.
so i changed my phone plan and have finally blocked his number. its funny, bc if you get the parental controls option, you can block numbers, etc, and its only five dollars. if i knew before i could do this for only five bucks you all wouldnt have listened to me be upset for the past two weeks. hell, you'd prob pay the five dollars for me.
i care about him. i wont ever deny that. and i do wish i could help him. but its not my job to feel like shit bc he feels like shit. i have given him multiple opportunities to help himself. and it just doesnt matter. so. sometimes you just have to go to the extreme. taking care of myself is more important than trying to help him. and i forget that all too often. so thats all taken care of and i feel like a small weight is lifted off.
i have to make myself go run here in a bit, even though its supposed to start storming. but i've got plans tomorrow night and i want to get my hair cut first and prob wont be able to run tomorrow. i'm to the point in the program where things are getting reeeeeally hard. but. i gotta do it. so i'll just keep on keepin on.
no one can say i didnt care. everyone can say i was stupid for caring this long. and thats fine. you can say that. i'll try to be better.
so i do what i always do and try to HELP. bc if you're crying that loudly for help (figuratively) then i'm going to do my best to help you. but i'm sure those of you who have followed this for oh, a day, know that was a waste of time. there is absolutely nothing i can do. and i hate that. and it'd hard to accept. but i just cant. i tried. i listened to reasons things are my fault. excuses for why he did/didnt do things. and what it comes down to is that it just doesnt matter. he can hate me and blame me for everything all he wants, i just dont want to hear it anymore.
so i changed my phone plan and have finally blocked his number. its funny, bc if you get the parental controls option, you can block numbers, etc, and its only five dollars. if i knew before i could do this for only five bucks you all wouldnt have listened to me be upset for the past two weeks. hell, you'd prob pay the five dollars for me.
i care about him. i wont ever deny that. and i do wish i could help him. but its not my job to feel like shit bc he feels like shit. i have given him multiple opportunities to help himself. and it just doesnt matter. so. sometimes you just have to go to the extreme. taking care of myself is more important than trying to help him. and i forget that all too often. so thats all taken care of and i feel like a small weight is lifted off.
i have to make myself go run here in a bit, even though its supposed to start storming. but i've got plans tomorrow night and i want to get my hair cut first and prob wont be able to run tomorrow. i'm to the point in the program where things are getting reeeeeally hard. but. i gotta do it. so i'll just keep on keepin on.
no one can say i didnt care. everyone can say i was stupid for caring this long. and thats fine. you can say that. i'll try to be better.
The sun is shining and nothing is going to get me down today. I'm so thankful for the good things I have in my life.
If anything today has just been a reminder to me that you can't help people who don't want to be helped. There's no point in even trying to communicate with them. Yeah you want to do what's right. But sometimes, you just have to realize that some people just aren't worth wasting your time on.
And to lighten the mood, here is a ridiculous pic of an email I received.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
If anything today has just been a reminder to me that you can't help people who don't want to be helped. There's no point in even trying to communicate with them. Yeah you want to do what's right. But sometimes, you just have to realize that some people just aren't worth wasting your time on.
And to lighten the mood, here is a ridiculous pic of an email I received.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Sunday, April 15, 2012
when the weather is like this, i love this town. i spent several hours this evening down by the river. it's so lovely. every time i get near water i know that i want to live near water. i want kids to have the same upbringing and play in creeks and try to catch crawdads with cheese in a can like i did. play in the mud and build stick towers in teh woods. that was a tangent i didnt mean to go down, but i love being outside. i had this song stuck in my head the whole time. it's perfect.
sometimes when you're sad, you have to find the small things to be thankful for. you gather up enough small things and they outweigh the bad. i'm thankful for warm breezes and the smell of the river and ducks floating by.
Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you
But in your dreams, whatever they be
Dream a little dream of me
Saturday, April 14, 2012
i've gotten several angry, well, maybe not angry but 'what the hell are you thinking' phone calls, texts, etc. and all i can say is, i know, ok? i know it is stupid. i know all the things that happened before. and i know it's illogical to think things would change. but i think there is something that i'll always believe in and that is that everyone deep down is a good person and that they just need loved and to be brave. but i also know that not everyone approaches things the way i do, the way amanda does as she's hurting right now. things like honesty and trust and trying to help people when they need it and accepting help when you need it.
so yeah, i know it was stupid to think that things would change with zach. and if i'm being realistic i guess i dont even know if anything he said is honest or just wanting to mess with me. i know sad eyes when i see them, but that doesnt mean i can fix them.
but you still hope for the best, and continue to get the shit beat out of your heart. and thats not how things should work. i can look at someone else who is going through something similar but not nearly as serious, and i can see the hurt and i dont want them to ever deal with that again. i dont want them to hurt or give the scumbag a chance again. and these are the things i've heard.
i understand that people do stupid things sometimes when they are depressed. believe me. i do know that. and i can forgive that. thats why i do forgive zach. forgive, accept his apology, but dont forget. hope, but dont forget.
and then i feel like fifty shades of shit because joel is so nice to me. he randomly stopped by this morning (i guess he was still in town) and brought me breakfast bc he felt like i was sad. which i was. and then he did my dishes for me even though i told him not to. but he knows me well enough to know i hate doing them, and just wanted to do something nice for me. you know, i dont evenknow how long it has been since someone has done something like that for me, just bc they wanted to do something nice. and it makes me feel sometimes like i wish i could even feel a twinge of something more than brotherly/sisterly friendship toward him. but it's true, as i see from both sides, that you can love someone dearly but you cant be what they need or want.
blurgh. lets talk about something else. i still havent written about rafting, have I? it was a weird experience. the rafting part was fun, very exhilarating. but. i had a bad experience with our guide. you can tell he thinks he's hot shit and that all the girlies love him. all the guides did. he sat me in the back of the raft with him which, fine whatever. but he got really inappropriate. yeah we all made a lot of 'thats what she said' type jokes, bc all rafting terms are pretty dirty.but he got really innapropriate, talking about having sex with all us girls. and then at one point i fell into the bottom of the boat and he leaned over me and pretended to hump me. and then dumped me in the river the first time and smacked me on teh ass when he pulled me back in. and then dumped me in teh water the second time and kept telling me he had ways to warm me up if need be. and i just got more and more uncomfortable, and i really thought i had made that clear that i wasnt cool with that stuff. i even asked rachael later if i'd flirted in anyway or gave that impression and she said absolutely not. but the thing that upset me the most is that when we were leaving i had already gotten in teh car, ready to go home and just be done with the day (little did i know how shitty it'd get once i got home)when he came up to the car, opened the door, grabbed my head, and stuck his tongue down my throat. i screamed. and not 'oh this is funny' screamed but screamed like you would when you are offeneded and scared and upset and disgusted. and before i could process what happened he slammed the door and walked off laughing. i told dbro to just drive and get the fuck out of there. but the more i thought about it the more violated i felt. so i emailed the company and told them what happened and that i didnt appreciate it and went on a warpath. you do not do that to people. i know if i had to i could take care of myself. but all i could think of was i wish zach was there bc he would have beat the living hell out of that dickbag. i came home and showered for a really really long time, bc i was freezing and bc i felt just dirty. i know i didnt 'ask for it' or even give the impression.
so yeah. that was my rafting experience. would i go again, definitely. but not with that company.
friday the 13th. yeah. it screwed me over bigtime. my heart hurts. but theres nothing i can do about that either other thank just work on getting back to where i was before. believing that things happen for a reason. that good things are going to happen and someone out there will love me the way i deserve to be loved. and that someone will feel that for amanda. and everyone else out there that hurts.
so yeah, i know it was stupid to think that things would change with zach. and if i'm being realistic i guess i dont even know if anything he said is honest or just wanting to mess with me. i know sad eyes when i see them, but that doesnt mean i can fix them.
but you still hope for the best, and continue to get the shit beat out of your heart. and thats not how things should work. i can look at someone else who is going through something similar but not nearly as serious, and i can see the hurt and i dont want them to ever deal with that again. i dont want them to hurt or give the scumbag a chance again. and these are the things i've heard.
i understand that people do stupid things sometimes when they are depressed. believe me. i do know that. and i can forgive that. thats why i do forgive zach. forgive, accept his apology, but dont forget. hope, but dont forget.
and then i feel like fifty shades of shit because joel is so nice to me. he randomly stopped by this morning (i guess he was still in town) and brought me breakfast bc he felt like i was sad. which i was. and then he did my dishes for me even though i told him not to. but he knows me well enough to know i hate doing them, and just wanted to do something nice for me. you know, i dont evenknow how long it has been since someone has done something like that for me, just bc they wanted to do something nice. and it makes me feel sometimes like i wish i could even feel a twinge of something more than brotherly/sisterly friendship toward him. but it's true, as i see from both sides, that you can love someone dearly but you cant be what they need or want.
blurgh. lets talk about something else. i still havent written about rafting, have I? it was a weird experience. the rafting part was fun, very exhilarating. but. i had a bad experience with our guide. you can tell he thinks he's hot shit and that all the girlies love him. all the guides did. he sat me in the back of the raft with him which, fine whatever. but he got really inappropriate. yeah we all made a lot of 'thats what she said' type jokes, bc all rafting terms are pretty dirty.but he got really innapropriate, talking about having sex with all us girls. and then at one point i fell into the bottom of the boat and he leaned over me and pretended to hump me. and then dumped me in the river the first time and smacked me on teh ass when he pulled me back in. and then dumped me in teh water the second time and kept telling me he had ways to warm me up if need be. and i just got more and more uncomfortable, and i really thought i had made that clear that i wasnt cool with that stuff. i even asked rachael later if i'd flirted in anyway or gave that impression and she said absolutely not. but the thing that upset me the most is that when we were leaving i had already gotten in teh car, ready to go home and just be done with the day (little did i know how shitty it'd get once i got home)when he came up to the car, opened the door, grabbed my head, and stuck his tongue down my throat. i screamed. and not 'oh this is funny' screamed but screamed like you would when you are offeneded and scared and upset and disgusted. and before i could process what happened he slammed the door and walked off laughing. i told dbro to just drive and get the fuck out of there. but the more i thought about it the more violated i felt. so i emailed the company and told them what happened and that i didnt appreciate it and went on a warpath. you do not do that to people. i know if i had to i could take care of myself. but all i could think of was i wish zach was there bc he would have beat the living hell out of that dickbag. i came home and showered for a really really long time, bc i was freezing and bc i felt just dirty. i know i didnt 'ask for it' or even give the impression.
so yeah. that was my rafting experience. would i go again, definitely. but not with that company.
friday the 13th. yeah. it screwed me over bigtime. my heart hurts. but theres nothing i can do about that either other thank just work on getting back to where i was before. believing that things happen for a reason. that good things are going to happen and someone out there will love me the way i deserve to be loved. and that someone will feel that for amanda. and everyone else out there that hurts.
Amanda's heart is broken and that breaks my heart for her. And the words I say to her, they are the exact same words people have been telling me for over a year now. And it just stunned me. What have I done to myself.
I just want everyone to be happy and be loved the way they love. No lying. No cheating. All trust. All honesty. All love.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I don't know how many of you know my sorta friend Mela. I say sorta friend bc I haven't seen her in maybe ten years but still follow up on her on facebook. She has done so many interesting things in life like modeling and stand up comedy, things I would be way to afraid to do. And she does it brilliantly and does it in spite of three disabilities.
Awhile back she started doing a web show and I dont know why I didn't start watching it until now (I'm upset and just can't sleep). And I think everyone should take a few minutes and watch them. You will learn so much. This one for example is a short webisode about depression. Obviously if you know me you know how close that hits to home for me. But I realized in watching this that I absolutely judge people just as badly as people judge me, full well knowing how crippling it can all be. I've called people crazy full well knowing how hurtful it is when people say that to me.
So if you have some time, watch some of these videos. They aren't high quality, but they are short and funny and informative. Here is the link
I'm not saying this made everything ok tonight. Obviously I'm still awake. I'm still upset. And I'm going to be. But watching these humbled me a little bit. My life really isn't that bad. It could be so much worse. And it's hard to remember that sometimes. Sometimes I think love is its own disability.
I don't know. I just really want to be sleepy and not spin fifty million what ifs through my brain.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Awhile back she started doing a web show and I dont know why I didn't start watching it until now (I'm upset and just can't sleep). And I think everyone should take a few minutes and watch them. You will learn so much. This one for example is a short webisode about depression. Obviously if you know me you know how close that hits to home for me. But I realized in watching this that I absolutely judge people just as badly as people judge me, full well knowing how crippling it can all be. I've called people crazy full well knowing how hurtful it is when people say that to me.
So if you have some time, watch some of these videos. They aren't high quality, but they are short and funny and informative. Here is the link
I'm not saying this made everything ok tonight. Obviously I'm still awake. I'm still upset. And I'm going to be. But watching these humbled me a little bit. My life really isn't that bad. It could be so much worse. And it's hard to remember that sometimes. Sometimes I think love is its own disability.
I don't know. I just really want to be sleepy and not spin fifty million what ifs through my brain.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Why is it that more often than not, if someone loves someone else, that second person loves a totally different third person? I feel like I'm person one, two, and three in this scenario sometimes. My life would be exponentially easier if I had any feelings in that way for Joel rather than zach. Bc i know he could take care of me blah blah etc if I wanted that. But I just don't. And I hate hurting him. Abd I hate that I hurt over someone else. And I hate that zach seems so unhappy himself, though that could for all I know be put on to make me feel bad. Which it does bc I'm a softhearted sucker, though it doesn't excuse at all what he did.
Also I wish I could sleep.
I need to get out of this town. I got really mad at something zach said, that I didn't understand that he wasn't a city person and he craved life in the south. It makes me wonder if he even knows who I am. The prospect of moving to DC has never been a longterm one for me. And I don't think I ever gave the impression of that. I'm not a city girl. I don't like having strangers for neighbors crammed up my ass. I want space to breathe. If I'm ever lucky enough to have kids I want them to grow up like I did, with a big yard and trees and a creek to play in. I want to go to bed at night being able to see the stars. I want to live in a place that doesn't have shitty winters like this. Staying in Morgantown DC or even wv was never my life plan and I had assumed I had made that crystal clear. I love my job yes. And I think it's something I should stick with for a few years to gain experience and pay off bills, sure. But it's a job. Not my future. It's a means to attain my future. If I do move to dc it's so I can have that farmhouse with the wraparound porch with a porchswing and land someday. I don't know why this has upset me so much, to thr point of tears.
I still can't figure out the exact point where the train of my life derailed. I work so hard to put it back together to realize the track is only going round and round in a circle. I want off this ride.
And yes. I realize exactly how stupid it is of me to be upset right now. I'm working so hard on being ok with myself and I think I have done a pretty good job of it thus far, though I know I'm nowhere near done. But at what point do you just throw in the towel. At what point do you just accept that some people don't care in the same way you do and just chalk it up to experience. And when, exactly, does that stop hurting? I'd really really like to know.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Also I wish I could sleep.
I need to get out of this town. I got really mad at something zach said, that I didn't understand that he wasn't a city person and he craved life in the south. It makes me wonder if he even knows who I am. The prospect of moving to DC has never been a longterm one for me. And I don't think I ever gave the impression of that. I'm not a city girl. I don't like having strangers for neighbors crammed up my ass. I want space to breathe. If I'm ever lucky enough to have kids I want them to grow up like I did, with a big yard and trees and a creek to play in. I want to go to bed at night being able to see the stars. I want to live in a place that doesn't have shitty winters like this. Staying in Morgantown DC or even wv was never my life plan and I had assumed I had made that crystal clear. I love my job yes. And I think it's something I should stick with for a few years to gain experience and pay off bills, sure. But it's a job. Not my future. It's a means to attain my future. If I do move to dc it's so I can have that farmhouse with the wraparound porch with a porchswing and land someday. I don't know why this has upset me so much, to thr point of tears.
I still can't figure out the exact point where the train of my life derailed. I work so hard to put it back together to realize the track is only going round and round in a circle. I want off this ride.
And yes. I realize exactly how stupid it is of me to be upset right now. I'm working so hard on being ok with myself and I think I have done a pretty good job of it thus far, though I know I'm nowhere near done. But at what point do you just throw in the towel. At what point do you just accept that some people don't care in the same way you do and just chalk it up to experience. And when, exactly, does that stop hurting? I'd really really like to know.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Friday, April 13, 2012
And sometimes you dare to get your secret hopes up and think, maybe this time it will all work out.
And you should know by now that this doesn't happen in the real world.
I'll just say it. Bc I know you all will yell at me anyway and tell me I'm stupid and I should know better. But I thought with zach apologizing, if he just tried to show me he cared like he claims he still does, that maybe. Just maybe. And I got my hopes up. And for nothing. And yeah. I'm sad about it. And I just don't want to hear it from anyone. Maybe I should have known better. But I still remember the guy he was. The one I wanted to marry and grow old with. So yeah. It's my own fault for getting caught up in the good memories. And I'm back at square one. But I'll just keep this one to myself and just deal withit. Bc it hasn't and isn't changed. I feel stupid. But at least I put it out in the universe. I'm sure I'll get mad again. But tonight I'm just sad about lost dreams. Curling up in bed with the dog is lonely business.
I've had a really long and stressful week. I'm going to bed.
Love to all of you.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
And you should know by now that this doesn't happen in the real world.
I'll just say it. Bc I know you all will yell at me anyway and tell me I'm stupid and I should know better. But I thought with zach apologizing, if he just tried to show me he cared like he claims he still does, that maybe. Just maybe. And I got my hopes up. And for nothing. And yeah. I'm sad about it. And I just don't want to hear it from anyone. Maybe I should have known better. But I still remember the guy he was. The one I wanted to marry and grow old with. So yeah. It's my own fault for getting caught up in the good memories. And I'm back at square one. But I'll just keep this one to myself and just deal withit. Bc it hasn't and isn't changed. I feel stupid. But at least I put it out in the universe. I'm sure I'll get mad again. But tonight I'm just sad about lost dreams. Curling up in bed with the dog is lonely business.
I've had a really long and stressful week. I'm going to bed.
Love to all of you.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Thursday, April 12, 2012
I figured out what it was I was waiting for. I don't think it will show up after all.
On a brighter note I did meet a nice guy this evening and exchanged business cards with him (bc that's apparently what young professionals do?). He's a friend of a friend and has the nerd job of my dreams. If nothing else it's good to have those kind of contacts. Maybe someday I'll make a career change.
At any rate. Im cranky and going to bed.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I thought this was pretty neat.
These photos are from Ware Mountain. Yes. We have our own mountain. It's sorta in Webster county. It's kinda creepy but awesome in a way? Bc you can trace the ware branch of the family back to the mountain, and before that, nada. All other branches you can trace back to the 1600s. Maybe we are aliens and just appeared?
There was even a school house on the mountain. Family lore states that some of the brothers got in an argument and one family left one side of the mtn, another the other side, and one stubbornly stayed put. Thats how Jason and I are cousins but not close cousins, we went down different sides of the mountain.
I think it'd be interesting to go back in time and see all of that i think the 1920-early 30s is the last anyone really truly lived up there. I've been but not that I remember any specifics.
It was a long day today. A lot on my mind, work, life, and otherwise.
Also, who lives in loiusburg nc? Someone there has been reading a lot lately. I guess it could be a stranger who's taken interest to my craziness.
At any rate. Is it bad that I'm looking more forward to sleeping in on saturday than I am of rafting tomorrow? I just need rest. Real rest.
I feel like I'm waiting for something, but I'm afraid it won't show up. I hope it does.
Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
These photos are from Ware Mountain. Yes. We have our own mountain. It's sorta in Webster county. It's kinda creepy but awesome in a way? Bc you can trace the ware branch of the family back to the mountain, and before that, nada. All other branches you can trace back to the 1600s. Maybe we are aliens and just appeared?
There was even a school house on the mountain. Family lore states that some of the brothers got in an argument and one family left one side of the mtn, another the other side, and one stubbornly stayed put. Thats how Jason and I are cousins but not close cousins, we went down different sides of the mountain.
I think it'd be interesting to go back in time and see all of that i think the 1920-early 30s is the last anyone really truly lived up there. I've been but not that I remember any specifics.
It was a long day today. A lot on my mind, work, life, and otherwise.
Also, who lives in loiusburg nc? Someone there has been reading a lot lately. I guess it could be a stranger who's taken interest to my craziness.
At any rate. Is it bad that I'm looking more forward to sleeping in on saturday than I am of rafting tomorrow? I just need rest. Real rest.
I feel like I'm waiting for something, but I'm afraid it won't show up. I hope it does.
Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)