i've made it to the anger stage in this. thats not saying i dont still care, its just more that i refuse to take the blame for this situation. my actions did not put me in this mess. this mess was a mess long before monday. and it feels good to be angry, for the only reason that it feels good to feel anything right now.
thats not to say i'm nto still upset. but people have to make choices in their life and then they have to deal with the consequences. and by not making choices, you're still making a choice. and you cant hide from it in a video game or a book or some other material thing.
i have been applying for lots of jobs. none of them here. i'm hoping one of them is for me.
also, in an unrelated topic, i very much like lady gaga's music and videos. she is just batshit crazy enough for me. but not too batshit crazy, because i dont know how much more i can handle in my life right now.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
good news and bad news
good news kids. i fully went in prepared to punch my doctor in the face for futher ruining my day, but instead! she told me that i'm all better. i'm not going to lie, i cried. this was the first time i let myself cry in that office in the nearly 3 years i've been going there every 3 months. it was like christmas when she told me i didnt have to see her again for a whole year. a whole year.... not every 3 months going and getting cut and burnt and chopped and poked, but a whole year, and then just for a look-see. and she told me i lost weight to boot. that was just a bonus. there may be some issues related more to the procedures down the line, but for right now, i just want to feel good about this for a minute.
however.
because i can never just get great news and have a great day, she found a few more moles that she is 'concerned' with. concerned to the point that she gave me a list of derms and demanded i call them immediately. who knew a body scan was a hot commodity right now, bc the earliest appointment i've found is Jan. 19th. part of me likes having 2 months of being healthy, but the other part of me is officially more terrified than i was before and wants to go and find an earlier appointment and get that over with so i can start doing whatever i have to do about that.
but i needed that one thing to go right today. everything else in my life is a mess, but at least now i have that over with and i, in theory, dont have to worry about it again. now i just have everything else to worry about...
lovelove
however.
because i can never just get great news and have a great day, she found a few more moles that she is 'concerned' with. concerned to the point that she gave me a list of derms and demanded i call them immediately. who knew a body scan was a hot commodity right now, bc the earliest appointment i've found is Jan. 19th. part of me likes having 2 months of being healthy, but the other part of me is officially more terrified than i was before and wants to go and find an earlier appointment and get that over with so i can start doing whatever i have to do about that.
but i needed that one thing to go right today. everything else in my life is a mess, but at least now i have that over with and i, in theory, dont have to worry about it again. now i just have everything else to worry about...
lovelove
dear blog.
if there was a computer function that would just make the screen cry, thats what this post would be.
dont worry, i left all the words in my other one.
the worst feeling on earth is knowing you contributed to ruining someones life.
if there was a computer function that would just make the screen cry, thats what this post would be.
dont worry, i left all the words in my other one.
the worst feeling on earth is knowing you contributed to ruining someones life.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
to write love on her arms. and mean it.
i'm fairly certain i've been more scared in the last 24 hrs than i have ever been in my life.
i was worried for the life of one of the most important people in my life.
and you dont realize exactly how much you love people until a situation like this.
i cant help them. in fact, i'm pretty sure i do more harm than good. i've let down and been let down. i've fought for and against. and the hardest thing to do is knowing that the only way to show you care about someone is to leave them alone because you make their life worse.
and i came across this group on facebook. i feel like i've mentioned it before. To Write Love On Her Arms. The bio about the event says this, and you should read it all:
To Write Love On Her Arms Day is a day where anyone can write the words love on their arms, to support those who are fighting against depression and those who are trying to recovering.
The vision is that we actually believe these things…
You were created to love and be loved. You were meant to live life in relationship with other people, to know and be known. You need to know that your story is important and that you're part of a bigger story. You need to know that your life matters.
We live in a difficult world, a broken world. My friend Byron is very smart - he says that life is hard for most people most of the time. We believe that everyone can relate to pain, that all of us live with questions, and all of us get stuck in moments. You need to know that you're not alone in the places you feel stuck.
We all wake to the human condition. We wake to mystery and beauty but also to tragedy and loss. Millions of people live with problems of pain. Millions of homes are filled with questions – moments and seasons and cycles that come as thieves and aim to stay. We know that pain is very real. It is our privilege to suggest that hope is real, and that help is real.
You need to know that rescue is possible, that freedom is possible, that God is still in the business of redemption. We're seeing it happen. We're seeing lives change as people get the help they need. People sitting across from a counselor for the first time. People stepping into treatment. In desperate moments, people calling a suicide hotline. We know that the first step to recovery is the hardest to take. We want to say here that it's worth it, that your life is worth fighting for, that it's possible to change.
Beyond treatment, we believe that community is essential, that people need other people, that we were never meant to do life alone.
The vision is that community and hope and help would replace secrets and silence.
The vision is people putting down guns and blades and bottles.
The vision is that we can reduce the suicide rate in America and around the world.
The vision is that we would learn what it means to love our friends, and that we would love ourselves enough to get the help we need.
The vision is better endings. The vision is the restoration of broken families and broken relationships. The vision is people finding life, finding freedom, finding love. The vision is graduation, a Super Bowl, a wedding, a child, a sunrise. The vision is people becoming incredible parents, people breaking cycles, making change.
The vision is the possibility that your best days are ahead.
The vision is the possibility that we're more loved than we'll ever know.
The vision is hope, and hope is real.
You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story.
***
This is very important to me, now more than ever. On Nov. 13th i'll write 'love' on my arms. it'll mean 1837 more things than it ever has before.
lovelove.
i was worried for the life of one of the most important people in my life.
and you dont realize exactly how much you love people until a situation like this.
i cant help them. in fact, i'm pretty sure i do more harm than good. i've let down and been let down. i've fought for and against. and the hardest thing to do is knowing that the only way to show you care about someone is to leave them alone because you make their life worse.
and i came across this group on facebook. i feel like i've mentioned it before. To Write Love On Her Arms. The bio about the event says this, and you should read it all:
To Write Love On Her Arms Day is a day where anyone can write the words love on their arms, to support those who are fighting against depression and those who are trying to recovering.
The vision is that we actually believe these things…
You were created to love and be loved. You were meant to live life in relationship with other people, to know and be known. You need to know that your story is important and that you're part of a bigger story. You need to know that your life matters.
We live in a difficult world, a broken world. My friend Byron is very smart - he says that life is hard for most people most of the time. We believe that everyone can relate to pain, that all of us live with questions, and all of us get stuck in moments. You need to know that you're not alone in the places you feel stuck.
We all wake to the human condition. We wake to mystery and beauty but also to tragedy and loss. Millions of people live with problems of pain. Millions of homes are filled with questions – moments and seasons and cycles that come as thieves and aim to stay. We know that pain is very real. It is our privilege to suggest that hope is real, and that help is real.
You need to know that rescue is possible, that freedom is possible, that God is still in the business of redemption. We're seeing it happen. We're seeing lives change as people get the help they need. People sitting across from a counselor for the first time. People stepping into treatment. In desperate moments, people calling a suicide hotline. We know that the first step to recovery is the hardest to take. We want to say here that it's worth it, that your life is worth fighting for, that it's possible to change.
Beyond treatment, we believe that community is essential, that people need other people, that we were never meant to do life alone.
The vision is that community and hope and help would replace secrets and silence.
The vision is people putting down guns and blades and bottles.
The vision is that we can reduce the suicide rate in America and around the world.
The vision is that we would learn what it means to love our friends, and that we would love ourselves enough to get the help we need.
The vision is better endings. The vision is the restoration of broken families and broken relationships. The vision is people finding life, finding freedom, finding love. The vision is graduation, a Super Bowl, a wedding, a child, a sunrise. The vision is people becoming incredible parents, people breaking cycles, making change.
The vision is the possibility that your best days are ahead.
The vision is the possibility that we're more loved than we'll ever know.
The vision is hope, and hope is real.
You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story.
***
This is very important to me, now more than ever. On Nov. 13th i'll write 'love' on my arms. it'll mean 1837 more things than it ever has before.
lovelove.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Working Title (pun intended)
well kids. i'm home from my magical mystery tour. and i'm just going to use a numbered list to describe it. kthanxbye.
1. i love DC. i love it so much. its been so long since i've gotten to spend any time there. but now i think i'm old enough to see it for what it is. i love the energy and architecture. granted i mostly only got to see things early in the morning and late at night, but still. i love all the old buildings and the wrought iron and the trees. i'm so glad for all the ppl in that city, there are still beautiful trees. i hate the traffic. i sorta got the streets figured out but i'm so directionally challenged. i love the metro. i want to move to the suburbs and work in the city. i've been looking seriously at jobs.
2. the hotel was quite nice. we had issues getting the internet to work, but whatever. i had an amazing view as my room was a corner and had windows on an angle. my bed was the most magical thing i've ever slept upon. and the breakfast each morning was amazing x12
3. the meetings were ridiculous. we definitely worked 10-12 hr days all week, including the work we had to do in the evenings after the meetings. it was a pain in the ass to get in and out of the building on top of everything, since we basically needed to be stripsearched. also, i found it interesting that the Energy department has shitty old energy-inefficient buildings.
4. we ate amazingly on this trip. the best thai i'd ever had. maryland crab in annapolis (more on this later), the craziest food at this tapas place that included goat and grasshopper (yes, i did just say grasshopper) tacos and lamb drenched in chocolate chili cheese sauce.
5. with some of my overtime money i bought the greatest pair of boots on the planet. they are comfortable and make me feel pretty, two things that dont normally go together when discussing footwear.
6. driving past the capitol and the monuments, etc on your way to work is a great feeling. especially early in the morning before most of the city is awake.
7. we didnt have time really to do any touristy stuff. we were going to try and go to the Nat'l Portrait gallery on friday, but it was closed. just like how when i was little and all i wanted to see was the ruby slippers from wizard of Oz and i dragged my family to the american history museum to see them and they werent there bc they were out on loan to some other museum. i'm still bitter about that and really want to see those damn shoes. but no. no touresty stuff this time. but thats ok really. we spent enough time in a car and lost that i got to see the outside of a lot of places. and sometimesi think i like the outside of the buildings just as much.
8. we met up with some friends in the evenings up there and had a good time. i played skeeball and shuffleboard in a bar, and if that just doesnt scream happiness then i dont know what does. i got drunk that night and did some things i wish i hadnt, but i did and cant take it back. one of those includes getting cut with a shard of glass and bleeding all over the place. not pleased.
9. i really wanted the trip to make me so busy i couldnt think of the shit going on in my life here, but that didnt happen. just like it didnt happen when i went to the beach. each day i wake up and think that this time it really cant get any worse. and then it does. i think i'd rather get beat up by a stranger than this. on the other side of the scales, bert has been incredibly nice to me all week and i dont know what to think about that. it was a week of complete polar opposites and it makes my head explode.
10. non-trip related but Post Secret is good this week. i particularly liked the one of the North Star.
11. we stopped in annapolis for a night on the way home to see a friend. i love annapolis as much if not more than DC. everything about it is ideal. and the shoping is great. the bars however are either crazy drunken cadets or cougars on the prow. you'd think those two would combine. it was very nice to see all those young men in uniform. it was a very nice stop over, though, with more amazing food in my life. and we went to this fantastic jewelry store and i bought these 4 bracelets that have the mark twain quote (a bastardized version anyway) on each of them. i think i'll probably just always wear Love Like You've Never Been Hurt and Live Today Like it's Your Last. and i also picked up this necklace, that was inspired by an Einstein quote about a view from a star (Imagination is everything. It is the preview of lifes coming attractions) and to me it looks like the north star. so i like that. call me uselessly sentimental.
12. yesterday was so dreary and i was just so exhausted that i didnt go out for halloween. i had to much on my mind and was just so punchdrunk that i couldnt handle being around drunk and jovial people. i needed to crawl back into my cave and be a hermit for a little bit. today i guess i need to sort out everything and get back to real life. i've got a long week ahead of me including my favorite pasttime of going to the doctor. at least the end of the week i get to see the transsiberian orchestra in charleston. though i need to dump a ticket off if anyone knows of someone who'd like to go. i bought one that i now dont need. oh well. those are the breaks.
13. i'm glad the time changed today and i got to sleep in. getting up at 5 everyday is not for this kid. i want to stay in bed all day today, but for all the wrong reasons.
14. i may have offended a greenpeace representative on friday. we were hungry and cranky and just wanted to get our lunch when he occosted us to try and get us to give money. i like to think i do my share for the environment as it is so we all told him no thank you and that we were late for lunch. this did not deter the man and he told us that this was a global issue and that polar bear were so hungry they were eating there own young. at this point that tiny switch in my brain that i try to stear clear of switched off and i straightfaced told the man that i was so hungry right now that if he didnt shut up i would probably eat MY own young. and then walked off. apparently he was shocked. oh well.
15. i realized i have a lot of irrational OCD tendencies that i'm not as aware of since i live alone. but spending a week with a friend, all that comes out. i still had my own room and all, but we were working or hanging out 20 hours a day. (yes, that means i only got approx four hours of sleep a night. you see why princess is so cranky.) i dont like walking thru doors first of places i'm not familiar with. i dont like walking to the left of someone. i have to check to make sure i have everything (room key, metro card, ect) at least 5 times before i can leave. i have to leave at least 1 light on when i leave because someone could be waiting to kill me in the dark. even in a kingsized bed i still sleep on one size. i have to crumble crackers while thy are still in the package before i open it sothat i dont have to touch cracker crumbs. (yes. i am nutso). all in all, while it was a good time, i am glad to be home. i just want everything else thats going on to resolve itself so i can go on with things.
lovelove
1. i love DC. i love it so much. its been so long since i've gotten to spend any time there. but now i think i'm old enough to see it for what it is. i love the energy and architecture. granted i mostly only got to see things early in the morning and late at night, but still. i love all the old buildings and the wrought iron and the trees. i'm so glad for all the ppl in that city, there are still beautiful trees. i hate the traffic. i sorta got the streets figured out but i'm so directionally challenged. i love the metro. i want to move to the suburbs and work in the city. i've been looking seriously at jobs.
2. the hotel was quite nice. we had issues getting the internet to work, but whatever. i had an amazing view as my room was a corner and had windows on an angle. my bed was the most magical thing i've ever slept upon. and the breakfast each morning was amazing x12
3. the meetings were ridiculous. we definitely worked 10-12 hr days all week, including the work we had to do in the evenings after the meetings. it was a pain in the ass to get in and out of the building on top of everything, since we basically needed to be stripsearched. also, i found it interesting that the Energy department has shitty old energy-inefficient buildings.
4. we ate amazingly on this trip. the best thai i'd ever had. maryland crab in annapolis (more on this later), the craziest food at this tapas place that included goat and grasshopper (yes, i did just say grasshopper) tacos and lamb drenched in chocolate chili cheese sauce.
5. with some of my overtime money i bought the greatest pair of boots on the planet. they are comfortable and make me feel pretty, two things that dont normally go together when discussing footwear.
6. driving past the capitol and the monuments, etc on your way to work is a great feeling. especially early in the morning before most of the city is awake.
7. we didnt have time really to do any touristy stuff. we were going to try and go to the Nat'l Portrait gallery on friday, but it was closed. just like how when i was little and all i wanted to see was the ruby slippers from wizard of Oz and i dragged my family to the american history museum to see them and they werent there bc they were out on loan to some other museum. i'm still bitter about that and really want to see those damn shoes. but no. no touresty stuff this time. but thats ok really. we spent enough time in a car and lost that i got to see the outside of a lot of places. and sometimesi think i like the outside of the buildings just as much.
8. we met up with some friends in the evenings up there and had a good time. i played skeeball and shuffleboard in a bar, and if that just doesnt scream happiness then i dont know what does. i got drunk that night and did some things i wish i hadnt, but i did and cant take it back. one of those includes getting cut with a shard of glass and bleeding all over the place. not pleased.
9. i really wanted the trip to make me so busy i couldnt think of the shit going on in my life here, but that didnt happen. just like it didnt happen when i went to the beach. each day i wake up and think that this time it really cant get any worse. and then it does. i think i'd rather get beat up by a stranger than this. on the other side of the scales, bert has been incredibly nice to me all week and i dont know what to think about that. it was a week of complete polar opposites and it makes my head explode.
10. non-trip related but Post Secret is good this week. i particularly liked the one of the North Star.
11. we stopped in annapolis for a night on the way home to see a friend. i love annapolis as much if not more than DC. everything about it is ideal. and the shoping is great. the bars however are either crazy drunken cadets or cougars on the prow. you'd think those two would combine. it was very nice to see all those young men in uniform. it was a very nice stop over, though, with more amazing food in my life. and we went to this fantastic jewelry store and i bought these 4 bracelets that have the mark twain quote (a bastardized version anyway) on each of them. i think i'll probably just always wear Love Like You've Never Been Hurt and Live Today Like it's Your Last. and i also picked up this necklace, that was inspired by an Einstein quote about a view from a star (Imagination is everything. It is the preview of lifes coming attractions) and to me it looks like the north star. so i like that. call me uselessly sentimental.
12. yesterday was so dreary and i was just so exhausted that i didnt go out for halloween. i had to much on my mind and was just so punchdrunk that i couldnt handle being around drunk and jovial people. i needed to crawl back into my cave and be a hermit for a little bit. today i guess i need to sort out everything and get back to real life. i've got a long week ahead of me including my favorite pasttime of going to the doctor. at least the end of the week i get to see the transsiberian orchestra in charleston. though i need to dump a ticket off if anyone knows of someone who'd like to go. i bought one that i now dont need. oh well. those are the breaks.
13. i'm glad the time changed today and i got to sleep in. getting up at 5 everyday is not for this kid. i want to stay in bed all day today, but for all the wrong reasons.
14. i may have offended a greenpeace representative on friday. we were hungry and cranky and just wanted to get our lunch when he occosted us to try and get us to give money. i like to think i do my share for the environment as it is so we all told him no thank you and that we were late for lunch. this did not deter the man and he told us that this was a global issue and that polar bear were so hungry they were eating there own young. at this point that tiny switch in my brain that i try to stear clear of switched off and i straightfaced told the man that i was so hungry right now that if he didnt shut up i would probably eat MY own young. and then walked off. apparently he was shocked. oh well.
15. i realized i have a lot of irrational OCD tendencies that i'm not as aware of since i live alone. but spending a week with a friend, all that comes out. i still had my own room and all, but we were working or hanging out 20 hours a day. (yes, that means i only got approx four hours of sleep a night. you see why princess is so cranky.) i dont like walking thru doors first of places i'm not familiar with. i dont like walking to the left of someone. i have to check to make sure i have everything (room key, metro card, ect) at least 5 times before i can leave. i have to leave at least 1 light on when i leave because someone could be waiting to kill me in the dark. even in a kingsized bed i still sleep on one size. i have to crumble crackers while thy are still in the package before i open it sothat i dont have to touch cracker crumbs. (yes. i am nutso). all in all, while it was a good time, i am glad to be home. i just want everything else thats going on to resolve itself so i can go on with things.
lovelove
Monday, October 26, 2009
statistics
this is the most depressing thing i have ever read: "Cancer is on track to kill 565,650 people in the United States this year—more than 1,500 a day, equivalent to three jumbo jets crashing and killing everyone aboard 365 days a year.”
this is where i say that in the last couple of months i've really considered getting a total mastectomy. and thats not being a hypochondriac, thats looking at genetics. which one can i beat first?
thats a depressing topic. i'm leaving for DC in ten minutes. i'm hoping this trip will go ok.
lovelove
this is where i say that in the last couple of months i've really considered getting a total mastectomy. and thats not being a hypochondriac, thats looking at genetics. which one can i beat first?
thats a depressing topic. i'm leaving for DC in ten minutes. i'm hoping this trip will go ok.
lovelove
Sunday, October 25, 2009
just random things
i nearly wrecked my car today. well, not so much wrecked as nearly got t-boned. entirely my fault. it didnt happen though. which is good. i felt bad. i got very angry hand gestures, which i deserved.
the movie the Patriot makes me cry every time. gladiator is coming on next.
did you know that iphones have a lightsaber app that makes the humming and whirring sound just like a real lightsaber? the one person who i couldnt wait to tell is the one person who i now know why iphones have these things.
i really want to sleep tonight. this is not cutting it.
i went in to work today because i had some stuff to do. i needed to get out of the house. my office is absolutely terrifying when no one is there and i promptly left.
i started rereading the Secret Garden. i know its a kids book, but i like it. i think its good for anyone to read. i very much like Mary Lennox, a spoiled and unhappy girl who learns happiness in helping someone realize their strength. i think i aspire to be this fictional little girl.
there are so many things that i would like to say, but believe me, you dont want to hear them.
the movie the Patriot makes me cry every time. gladiator is coming on next.
did you know that iphones have a lightsaber app that makes the humming and whirring sound just like a real lightsaber? the one person who i couldnt wait to tell is the one person who i now know why iphones have these things.
i really want to sleep tonight. this is not cutting it.
i went in to work today because i had some stuff to do. i needed to get out of the house. my office is absolutely terrifying when no one is there and i promptly left.
i started rereading the Secret Garden. i know its a kids book, but i like it. i think its good for anyone to read. i very much like Mary Lennox, a spoiled and unhappy girl who learns happiness in helping someone realize their strength. i think i aspire to be this fictional little girl.
there are so many things that i would like to say, but believe me, you dont want to hear them.
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