everyone please take a minute and say a prayer for my friend barb and her twins. There are complications where one twin is getting all the nutrients and it's harming the other. They are trying to fix this but it's very difficult and could lead to some scary and serious choices on barbs part. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I hate when nightmares are so real that you wake up sobbing. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

and once again the universe reminds me that everything is going to be ok, that this new path I'm on is exactly where I need to be. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

since when am i a painter?

painting for some reason makes sense to me lately. messy painting. i finished a nerdy painting for my intern, something from zelda i dont know but he likes it.

i have 4 other mini canvases for other people i need to figure out something to paint.

i had a good day with mom and dad. i think mostly they came up and spent the night to make sure i wasn't in the floor crying, surrounded by piles of trash. luckily this time around getting sad has made me clean a lot. to the point when i'm even thinknig of getting rid of some of my books. scary, i know.

my friend barb is expecting twin boys soon so i picked her up some baby clothes. and oh holy hell. baby boy clothes are so adorable. it really made that baby timer in me start ticking. i really have to sit down and start making some sort of life plan. bc i have goals. not for today or tomorrow, but in life. i guess what i'm trying to say is someday down the road i do want kids. and i want to be able to share that with someone.

life blah. i always have sort of a downer evening after having such a good weekend. but i'm gonna keep on with what i'm doing, bc it's better than sitting at home being sad.

i had such a good time last night/this morning. there was a band playing at Gibbies last night (the tom batchelor band, you should check them out) and it was just great. i didnt even have much to drink but i decided that if i wanted to do things, i was going to do it. so when a stranger asked to dance, i did it. when i felt like dragging everyone else i knew to the dance floor, i did it. three hours passed in what felt like 20 minutes bc i was actually HAVING A GOOD TIME. it's a novel concept. or at least something i'd forgotten.

we went back to a friend's house til all hours of the morning so they could jam (bc somehow that is what always happens with people i know, which is a nice thing that i have such musical people in my life). somehow the last nine months of my life became topic of conversation. as much as i talk about it on here, i dont enjoy talking about it at all in real life. but i felt better that people agreed that it wasnt my fault. and in a really barbaric horrible way, i felt really good that my guy friends rallied around and offered to kick some ass. having guy friends has gotten me in trouble in relationships before when people are unjustly jealous, but times like now, it's nice to know they are there. i can take care of myself, but it's always nice knowing that there is someone with muscle having your back. hah.

i need to get off my ass soon bc mom is on her way up to shop. i know we'll end up at the craft store which is good, bc i need supplies to finish the five random crafts i offered to make on facebook.

all in all i had a good time last night. granted it was something like i would have done five years ago, but sometimes you just want to forget the problems of your life and listen to the music. and i need to remember to do that more often.

much love from me.

Its been a long time since someone played drunken guitar for me. Who is also drunk. Also I danced with a hot stranger tonight. Woohoo - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

so it hit me that there is no point sitting at home alone pining over something that isn't going to happen. So, I made a move for once and am going out. Look at me growing some figurative testicles. I've been talking to a guy who sounds pretty interesting. Teaches history. Drives a motorcycle. Has abs. Clearly these are the superficial things that attract me, and I'm trying to make this lighthearted. But we have had some really interesting convos online so I figure why not? I've got nothing to lose. If it sucks then it sucks and at least I put myself out there. Terrified? Duh. Do you know how long it's been? I've been in a cycle of breaking up/fixing zach for so long that I dunno if I remember how to date. But. He's made it perfectly clear he's moves on. So I will to. His loss. But I am excited. And I feel like things are gonna be ok. Maybe not what I want or planned, but maybe there's something else out there that I will want more. Life has a crazy way of making things work out the way they are supposed to. And this isn't saying I'm not sad anymore bc I'd be lying if I said otherwise. But. I can't wait on someone who doesn't even want to speak to me. Here goes nothing... - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

fact. There are some places on your body that having to switch out band aids is total effing bullshit. I have found one this evening. So glad I took that Tylenolpm first or I'm pretty certain I would have lost my shit. Also, I actually had a really good time at the bar tonight with all the ppl from work. I am so thankful I work with people who I can enjoy spending time with in and out of the office. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

well. I didn't sleep for shit last night. I have variations of two nightmares. In the first my leg rots off of cancer and kills me over night and no one knows I'm dead and calypso eats my body bc she is starving and she then dies of cancer. I the other one my stitches burst open and my leg splits open and my internal organs fall out and I die and the dog eats me and does from over eating. I am messed up. Also my leg is throbbing. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

my leg hurts so fucking bad. But it hurts less than my stupid heart.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I'm so mentally exhausted today. I started the morning by the dermatologist telling me that the mole on my leg was suspicious and worrisome and she wouldn't feel comfortable with not taking it off today. And you know how I deal, or don't deal, with needles. It took two to numb me. And then it wouldn't stop bleeding. And then they had to put stitches in it and I have to go back in ten days and get them taken out. I didn't cry. Bonus points for me. But I got shaky and have just felt like crap the rest of the day. And I texted zach full well knowing he didn't even give a shit. But he still is the first person I want to talk to. And that really fucking sucks. Then I check the mail and someone has sent me an owl necklace. My owl necklace. I texted zach to see why he'd do something so hurtful. He says it wasn't him. Neither do any of the usual subjects. I don't know how I feel about this. It breaks my heart a little bit. It's five pm and I'm going to bed. I can't handle this day anymore. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I can be bold and brave in the daylight. But at night I am not brave. At night I am heartbroken and lonely and questioning God why it happened this way. At night I rack my brain for things I can do to get him to realize. But I've tried everything. And now I feel like the end of my book had the last half of its chapters torn out. My heart has broken over and over since April. I thought I could fix it. Fix us. You don't tell some one you love them and give up. You fight for it. I'm going to be crying myself to sleep tonight. I'm sorry for being such a downer. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

going to the gym this evening was exactly what i needed today. i needed to shake off a little bit of what is keeping me down. who would have thought i would come to enjoy working out? definitely not me.

i lied earlier when i said that i dont magically wish things would work out, bc i do. i always will have stupid hope that he'll see that i was right. but. i can't not hope bc thats just how i am. but i can't live my life waiting for it to change.

i've been thinking about tattoos again. i feel like if i can man up and just do it, then that would be a turning point in my life. maybe i am meant to go to DC. maybe i'm not. i dont know what i'm doing three days from now.

i'm just gonna keep trying to do the best i can, try to be the best me i can be, and have hope that there is a special plan for me out there.

so for the first time in all of this i feel like there is sort of a sense of closure. i said what i needed to say, which was i can't be blamed for everything any longer. whether it was heard or not i dont know. but i said it, and it is sort of a freeing experience.

do i wish that on some level things can still magically be worked out? no. that would be too rose-colored-glassesy. and i tried that for long enough.

i broke down and talked to my mom last night, about everything about how i'm feeling about what i want/wish/etc. and she said something that i know all of you have said, but i guess when it comes from your own mother its different. but she said to me that it's not my fault that zach is sick. and thats just... its a truth i didnt let myself see. i let him blame me for so long that i started to believe it. and if it was my fault then logically i could have fixed it. but i cant. it isnt my fault. i did my part in trying to make things better, giving him second and third chances when people said i was crazy to do so. but. this isnt my fault. and it's something i'm going to have to keep reminding myself. bc i know i'm going to backslide some. but. i did the best i could. i fought as hard as i could. i loved as deeply as i could. and thats all that i can do.

she also told me to get back on eharmony, etc and look around and go on dates. i think thats kinda funny coming from my mom, but i know she just wants me to be happy. so i signed back up and explored once again the scary scary world of online dating. we'll see where this goes.

i'm not approaching it this time looking immediately for somethign serious. yes, i do want a serious relationship, i want marriage and kids. but i think maybe i should just date around, see whats out there. go on some shitty dates. maybe have a good one or two. with the prospect of DC still up in the air in 5-6 months, it's hard to want to even think about committing to someone and then having to move. i've just got to have faith that it will all work out the way it's supposed to, bc i have no dang idea where my life is going.

please say a special prayer for a friend from high school teresa and her husband scott. they lost their first baby during pregnancy and are pregnant with their second. she's having complications and they are putting her on bed rest. they are such good and kind people and would make the best parents. and it makes my heart hurt to see them in pain like this.

and you know what, send special thoughts for zach. bc he is a good guy. he's just lost. i'll always love him and wish him the best, even when i'm hurting the most. i hope he can fidn what is right for him.

a really good friend of mines step mother is dying. She went in for a routine knee surgery and when coming out of anesthesia she somehow vomited into her lungs. They don't know how long her brain was without oxygen. She's been on a breathing machine for several days not but she is still in a coma. The family made the decision to unplug her Wednesday if nothing new develops. They are heartbroken. I'm so upset for them bc she was fairly young and in good health. Their whole world has turned upside down and knowing how much they are hurting is making me physically sick to my stomach. And it makes me realize how very short our lives are. We have to love hard. Work hard. Be around people who are positive influences in your life. And sometimes all of that is so hard to do. You wish the best for others but sometimes you have to stop and realize what is the best for you. Please say an extra prayer for Christopher, his stepmom, and the whole family. Tell your loved ones you love them. You never know when it might be your last. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

it's time for new beginnings. I can't keep taking on blame for things I didn't do. I don't know where I'm going but I can only hope it is better than this. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

so a bit of a longer post, since i'm actually functioning right now, after having a really nice nap for most of the afternoon.

the first part of the party was really awkward. they had us walk down steps to a literal red carpet. one of our coworkers sons apparently is a DJ on one of the local oldies radio stations, so they hired him to stand there with a microphone and interview us as we came in. while this was happening, three photographers took our picture, a la paparazzi. he asked us what we were wearing (uh....ebay?) and what our plans were for the night (to find the closest bar). we then were ushered to a green screen photo thing to have an 'official' photo taken with a backdrop of the hollywood sign etc.

i wont lie, i drank a good bit. i've had so much on my mind lately that i wanted to just let loose. so cocktail hour was boring but several drinks were had. we then went into another room for dinner/dancing/gambling. it was set up with movie theme stuff- one of those things that they snap and yell "cut!" on each centerpiece, standup cutouts from movies, and on each table a pair of sun glasses and/or a light-up bling ring. all the food had movie themed names. i dont remember any of them, but the mashed potatoes were aaaawesome.

they then did the boring awards and telling us of how rad we are. we each got a columbia jacket with the company logo on. they left the price tag attached which i think was tacky, but i know that they wanted us to know they spent 90 bucks a piece on them.

at some point i fucked up and texted zach a pic of me in my dress all done up. i felt really pretty last night and i thought if he saw that maybe he'd miss me or something. i'm so incredibly embarrassed that i did this. i feel like an ass. he doesnt want to talk to me. but he was really nice about it and i dont think he was too mad at me for bothering him. still though. i know he doesnt want to here from me and here i go sending him pics, telling him i wish he was there, etc. i'm a mess.

then there was the gambling portion and i tried to show bethany how to play craps. i told her we wouldnt stay there all evening though. i missed out on some good times last year bc of it. and then we went and danced til the end of the night. then everyone went to the hotel bar for another 2 hours to hang out. the football coach was there, which was exciting for some of the people i guess.

then we did what all classy people do and went to eat'n'park and had the best biscuits and sausage gravy ever. EVER.

today i woke up after 3 hours of sleep ready to take on the world. and then i remembered that i texted zach and hated myself and texted to apologize. he never texted back. i dont really blame him i guess. so after dicking around for awhile we went to golden finch and had super fatty awesome breakfast. bethany and rachael had mimosas, i had profiteroles. and it was good.

and then i slept all afternoon. bc thats what i do bc i am lame.

all in all, i had a really good time. i was worried that it might be weird, but it wasnt. and now all i want in my life is a hot dog, some milk, and a bag of hot fries. but i refuse to drive to sheetz to get them bc i am lazy.

my work party was last night and such a good time. It started out by having my neighbor help us break into my car bc it was frozen shut. Once we got to the party it really was Red carpet themed. Complete with photographers, someone interviewing us asking who we were wearing, etc. I introduced Bethany to craps but didn't get sucked into gambling all night again. It was a lot of fun. Here are pictures.


























- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I just woke up from a dream just a mess bc in it calypso had gotten loose and when I found her her stomach was all cut open and I couldnt find anyone to help me. I think that unless you've had a pet and especially if you've lived alone that you don't know what it's like. Poor calypso has seen me through some pretty rough times. And Shes seen some pretty great times. I absolutely judge people in my life by how they treat my dog and there are some people who are no longer a part of it bc of how they treated her. I thought I had a little family unit before. But it's back to me and the pooch. And I'm thankful she is here. I think I'm going to hug her and try to go back to sleep now.


I think - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

this evening I am sad and lonely. Im letting myself mope a bit. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

town is a mess of snow and ice. My parking lot looked like a war happened, with cars slid and parked into other cars. I fishtailed the whole way here. My thighs are sore as hell from being a squat champion. It's a good kind of sore though, like I'm a bad ass. Even though 40squats aren't that many, it's probably 35 more than I could do six months ago. I feel like I finally have some closure of sorts with zach. We both acknowledged we hurt each other. I want to try again, he doesn't. And I understand that. Maybe someday. Or maybe I'll meet someone who is a better fit. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? I sure don't anymore. I'll always love Zach and I'm not sorry or ashamed to say that. I do want what's best for him. This is me trying to act like an adult. And I can't stress enough that my mini breakdown wasn't all abt zach. Not by a longshot. There are other things going on right now that just aren't in my control either. It makes me feel like the world is spinning around me. But I feel today at least I have a little bit better hold on things. So. We will see what happens. I feel good. I miss zach but I think thts just going to be normal for quite a while since I talked to him all day everyday for the two years. I found a comic I want to send him but I can't. So I'll enjoy the comic myself. Anyway. Have a good day dear readers. Thank you for putting up with me. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UVNT4wvIGY - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

so another positive thing. its a small thing, but hey, any positive thing counts at this point, right?

i did my fitness evaluation at the new gym tonight. i did bad on the upper body, which is no surprise bc i have weenie girl arms. i did awesome on the legs part. i had to do squats until i couldnt do anymore and he stopped me at 40 bc i can squat like a boss. then i had to do a speed walk on the track for a mile and i clocked a time that was in the excellent category for my overweightness. so. he is going to make me up a program to help me get not-so-weenie girl arms and to continue toning everything else up.

my party dress came in the mail too, after being so stressed about having to borrow one of rachaels. i tried it on for them and they said to wear the new one. so i will.

and to treat myself for frankly not losing my shit or crying today, i went and got my nails done all pretty for the party.

and now it is snowing and calypso is laying in my bed on the heating pad getting all nice and toasty.

all things considered, it wasnt a terrible day. not like yesterday. i'm not where i want to be by far, but things could be so much worse. and i'll take that for now.

i'm just on brain overload.

i tried to explain my last 24 hours to brandon just now. and all he could say was 'wow.' there is so much more going on besides being upset about zach, that i am just ready to shut down.

but i refuse to shut down. bc i'm gonna be stronger this time. i know that there is a goal here, something positive to work toward. i thought it was one direction, but. i guess it's another.

but i would be lying if i didnt say that at about 3am this morning i thought about the pros and cons of driving off a bridge. not that i would ever do that, and please understand that. i wouldnt. but i can see the logic of just wanting to take yourself out of the equation sometimes. it would make some people's lives easier. it would cause less stress. but i know overall it would be an awful thing, and i'd never ever do it. and i think bc i can recognize that and look at it logically means i'm far saner than i ever was before.

two different coworks had famiily members pass away today. and then our work mailman had his house burn down last night and how his family has nothing. this just kills me. i'm going to do whatever i can to help them. maybe if i put my effort into something else like helpign people, i'll start feeling good again.

in slightly brighter news, i got a promotion of sorts at work today. i dont know if it will come with more money, but its more responsibility, and will look good on my resume in the long run. my supervisor congratulated me and said that it was excellent that my potential is being recognized. so i feel good about that. frankly, i'll take whatver i can get right now in the feel good department.

and i feel like i should say, for my own benefit as much as anyone reading this, he did apologize for saying he hated me. but i drove him nuts. i took too long to show i cared. so.. there's nothing I can do to change that situation. so i can just work on myself and keep plugging along. i dont know what tomorrow will bring, but i have to hope that it is something good.

I can't sleep. So I dug around under my bed and found my wedding planning book. It's the last "thing" of from before. I looked through it. And I let myself be sad. But even I can see that those plans were with a different person than who he is now. The person I planned a wedding with would never lie or cheat. Would never be intentionally mean. Would never say he hated me. This new person? As hard as I tried I don't know this person. I don't think I even like this person. I fought so hard bc I know my zach is in there. But this zach kills him. It's hard to watch that. So you try and help. You tell them you Care. But when they say I'm thr one that's nuts, you realize everybody in your lift is right and you've just been too stubborn to see. I love him, but someone's soul mate (or whatever emotional word you want to put in here) would never in a million years, no matter what, do what he has done to me. So I had one last look at the wedding planner, I felt all those feelings, and I threw it away. It was a very bittersweet but freeing feeling. That journey is over. I fought for it for a lot longer than I should have. I genuinely thought he'd get better. But. I was wrong. Am I going to feel this brave from now on, probably not. I know I'll be sad some. It's hard to lose the love of your life. It's even harder to accept you lost them nearly a year ago and you've been fighting a losing battle with a lie. But even I know when to throw in the towel. Somewhere out there is someone for me. Someone who won't lie. Who won't drink too much. Who will give me time to feel my feelings. Who won't be hateful. He will have the good qualities of Zach, bc he did have some very good qualities and when things were good with us they were wonderful beyond measure. But this person who is meant for me won't desert me when things get a little bit hard. Won't take me or my love for granted. I have to believe there is a greater plan for me. And whoever I am supposed to meet is coming into it as fast as they can. I have that something is going to happen feeling again. It was pretty spot on this last time. But this time, I feel like something good is going to happen. I will embrace that. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

i think what upsets me the most is that this is the sanest, healthiest, most stable i've ever been in my life. i keep hearing "get happy with yourself" or "dont count on me for happiness". and the thing is, i'm not. for the first time ever i like myself, i feel good about myself (emotionally, physically, socioeconomically, etc etc) and somehow i get yelled at for trying to project my happiness on someone else. what i want is someone to -share- in my happiness. to experience life with me. to feed off my being (in a positive way, not like a parasite) and me off of them. i mean i know that if i took the time and had half the desire to, i could go out and find a date right now. i'm moderately attractive, i'm funny, people tell me that i have a good personality that makes others want to be near me and be my friend, i have a good job and can support myself. i think thats a pretty good lot right there. i mean, zach and my relationship ended bc he didnt think he could handle my depression, and it turns out that i'm pretty sane in this one.

i think my issue is i see people hurting and i want to fix it. 99% of the time its obvious what would fix the problem, but 99% of the time people are too stubborn/scared/bullheaded to try/forgive/etc. one chance isnt the end of the world. and i dont know why more people dont get that. yeah i can be stubborn but i never deep down stop doing what i believe in, what i know is right.

the DC job is back on the market again. It's a whole other job than the one I said no to. This would be anywhere from a June-October start date. half of me says yes, lets go meet new people, there are plenty of upwardly mobile men my age in that city who i could meet and go to the smithsonian with. (have i mentioned i love love the air and space museum? taking me there was the one decent thing brett ever did.) but the other part of me doesnt want to go bc i dont know if it'd be bc i want to or bc i was running away from my problems. i dont want to run away from things, i want to face them head on. but so far facing them head on has gotten me nowhere but yelled at like i'm the crazy person. and for once in my life, i'm not the crazy person here.

i'm not putting any stock one way or the other about a move. pretty much everyone i talk to think it'd be the greatest thing ever for me. and that it wouldnt necessarily have to be permanent, which is true. there are some beautiful apartments in Old Town which are stupid expensive but have so much incredible architecture and history. for a nerd like me DC is probably one of the best places to move, even though i dont like the weather or the ridiculous traffic. but maybe thats what i need. a new life. maybe that is where i need to be 'going'. i genuinely dont know. but i dont have to decide today. i dont have to decide for several months really. but i'm keeping that as an option this time. i didnt move for work twice for zach. i dont regret either of them, but this time if i'm asked, i'm evaluating it on me and me alone. bc i cant count on people (other than friends it seems) to stand by you when you really truly need it. i stood by zach through everything, when i thought things were my fault, when i knew things were his, i still stood by him bc i knew (and still know, without a doubt) that he is a good man. he just lost his way a little bit. and i thought if i sttod by him he'd appreciate that and realize what we could do. but. thats not what he wants. and if he's already out talking to other girls that pretty much means there is no final hope.

i'm sorry for being so whiny and mopey. i do that really well lately. i know you dont believe me when i say i'm fine. i really really am. yeah i cry myself to sleep every now and then, but its not because i'm depressed. its bc my heart hurts. for me and for him. but i cant fix everyone, so there you go.

in other news rachael found me the perfect dress for our work party. i actually feel really super pretty in it. i'm very excited for saturday now. i wish i was taking the same person as last year... but i know i'll have a whole lot of fun with bethany this year.

when i get upset like this its so hard on me not to get really down on myself. And I need to get my chin up here. Bc I didn't do wrong here. I legitimately tried. Yeah breaking up back in April had to do with some of my issues. But I worked in them. I fixed them and myself. And I've done nothing but be supportive these last nine months. And I'm not sorry that I took my time to hurt and be upset after I found out he got married in November. I had every right to be upset. And it was healthier tht I took the time to feel it all than box it in and not feel emotions like I tend to do. And it's not my fault that he spent 7k on my ring and he doesnt think he will be able to get half that out of it if he sells it. I planned on wearing it the rest of my life. Plus, I didn't need a ring that expensive anyway. I'd be just as happy with one from walmart. It's hard not to get down in myself though. Bc you try to talk reason and be nice and supportive and you get yelled at. I didn't do anything wrong. Color me stupid but I think if you love someone you tell them. And I think there is always a place for second chances. And I feel bad that I'm bitching about this. Yeah. It's been a month. It's even been several months. But this isn't something I can just get over in a day. I was planning on getting married. This time last year I had just got my wedding dress fitted. This time last year we were getting ready to go to my work party, all fancy and happy. So how did I get here? I feel bad that ppl are coming out of the woodwork tryin to cheer me up. Even Todd is being supportive. Hell, he is the person who said he had never seen me as happy as the pic where I tried on my wedding dress and that he could see in my face how in love I was. Now he is trying to convince me that I'll find someone new who won't do this to me. I don't want people pitying me. I guess I brig it on myself though. It's just so hard to let go when you can see what good things there could be if people would just take one step and be brave. Im being brave and I keep having my feet kicked out under me. I'm going out this evening. Put on makeup, do my hair, plaster on a smile. Who knows what could happen? I guess it's time I give up on zach and try to move on. I don't like it, but what choice is there? - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I feel like I should be used to people moving on. But it hurts. It hurts so very much. I had a really good morning and felt like there was something good happening. And then like a rug pulled out from under me I'm back to square one. Maybe it's time I grow up and stop holding out and hoping. Hope hasn't really got me anywhere. I guess I'm going to have to start dating. I've not met or found anyone of interest. But maybe I have to wait longer. I don't know. I don't know much of anything I guess. I mostly feel stupid. I keep trying. And I keep setting myself up to fall. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

go watch this video and then other videos by these kids. they are AMAZING. they make my drunken version of this song even more embarrassing...

1. i stayed home from work today bc i didn't want to infect anyone else with this crud. i'm going in tomorrow though, it will be fine. i hope.

2. i want to cover a room in white paper and get some paint and whip my hair back and forth like willow smith. i'm 100% serious about this.

3. i looked at a friends wedding photos today that i hadn't looked at in a lot time. they used to make me sad, but now i can appreciate them for really excellent photos of a great day. call it jealousy, call it whatever. i'm glad i'm past that.

4. alisha and jason came over last night and fixed my car and took me to get food. i dont know where i'd be these last couple of years without them. they've let me live with them. fixed my car. helped me move. took me to dinner. i've never felt like a third wheel with them. i'm so lucky to be a part of their wedding. i'm kinda sad helping plan someone elses dream wedding when i was so recently planning my own. but i know in the long run this is going to mean a lot to everyone.i'm glad i can help them.

5. trying to eat healthier sucks, especially when all i can think about is spaghetti with pink sauce from oliverios.

6. i've got to stop texting when i'm upset, bc it doesn't do any good for anyone. blurgh.

7. casino night episode of the office always makes me sad.

8. i have that itchy feeling again that something is about to happen.

so much for a productI've day off. I have a migraine and my car battery is dead. It's things like this that make me cry. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

i had a good weekend at home, all things considering. it was a little hairy on the drive home bc the roads started to get a little iffy, but safe and sound i arrived.

i was really glad to see shainna on saturday. i dont get to see her enough, but i'm glad that even if we havent seen each other in a year we can pick up right where we left off. i can't wait until they get moved into their new house and i can go visit and we can eat cake waffles and watch crap tv.

i found this old jewelry box aunt dee had given me when i was little. it was pretty but dingy looking, so i painted it. i feel like i'm trying to remake and redo everything around me it seems. maybe bc i cant figure out how to redo myself? the moral of the story is, i think the box came our pretty well. the pic is on fb, i'm too lazy to save it tomy computer and move it over here. so go look at it there.

mammaw made me biscuits and creamed tomatoes, which is always a treat. the last time i had them from her was my bday last year when we stopped in on our way to kentucky for zach's grandad's funeral. it's weird that i remember that. comfort food really does comfort.

i finally found a hot date for my work party. bethany has agreed to come with me. i think we'll have fun, she and i always seem to, and she already knows a few ppl from work from doin the 5K awhile back.

everyone is trying to convince me that it'd be a good idea to move. there are a lot of pros and cons there. but right now, i just dont want to think about it.

calypso and i are going to sit here and try to stay warm and watch british comedies.

it's not even 9am and friday the 13th is already kicking my ass. First I wake up with the worst cramps and headache in the history of mankind. Then when I finally get going, my car doors are frozen shut. I finally got the backseat door to open and had to climb around to get situated. Then I sat Stuck at the stoplight by my apt for seriously half an hour bc the stoplight was out and no one would let our lane turn. I'm just waiting to see what else is going to happen. I'm on the defensive now, folks. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

so for the first time since.. mid november? i'm having a panic/anxiety/whatever attack. i've already paced the apartment and tried doing everything else i can to take my mind off my mind but it aint workin folks.

i need the hand of God to come down and boot me in the ass and tell me where to go and what to do. Like in the Monty Python movies. thats how i picture God, loving but stern, with a sense of humor.

i have that feeling where something big is about to happen. i have no idea what it is. but i feel like i'm at some sort of a crossroads here. i have no idea what i'm doing with my life, and i dont want to follow a fiddle playing devil to georgia. but i feel like.. well.. something's got to give. something's got to happen. i need something to happen. bc i need some sort of direction. i thought i had a direction, and it was, i thought, a really good direction. and now i feel like i'm standing in one of those sign posts that have arrows every where but dont tell you where they go or how far away the destination is.

patience. i'm working on patience this year. friggin patience sucks. who's idea was it to work on being patient again?

i know what i want out of life. i just don't know how to get there. i can see a destination on the map, but there are no roads (of course if this was back to the future, where we're going we wouldnt need roads. athankyou).

hell, i'm now referencing movies trying to make sense. you know i've reached a new low when i do that, when someone elses bad 80s dialogue says what i'm trying to say better than i can.

i dont want a bandaid or a quick fix. i know in the long run i'm going to appreciate all the eight million feelings i have right now. youve got to work through each and every one of them and understand them for what they are. and i know that. but i feel like everything is taking so very long. i dont want it to take so long. i want to get to my destination, plop down my baggage, put on my sweatpants, and eat some cake while watching the Office or some other excellent show.

i need to get hulu. i've not seen new tv in awhile now.

i dreamed last night i was in a house fire and no one even tried to save me. thats like all my fears rolled into one.

i zumba'd my butt off this evening. and now i'm eating chips. im not sorry.

apparently the weather is about to get super terrible, which is fitting as tomorrow is friday the 13th.

i want to send myself flowers and remind myself it's gonna be ok. maybe it's the gloomy weather but i'm not feeling like it is going to be. i want to make words right but i cant figure out how to make them line up.

the dog and i are going to continue to sit on the couch now. bc that's what we do.

it's really stupid to be sad about missing things. Since I gave back my owl necklace, I've felt naked. I wore it just about all the time, even if it was just tucked in my shirt. I found one like it on eBay and bid on it but someone else won it. And I know it's stupid but it made me overwhelmingly sad. I didnt sleep for shit last night bc rachael stayed with me and she apparently sleep walks now. She came and woke me up at one point looking for her kitten. It was funny until I had to get up this morning. Well. It's still pretty funny. I just want to sleep. I'm planning on going home this weekend just for something different. Maybe I'll take my end tables in and paint them. I dunno. I have Zumba again tonight, which I am looking forward to. I need to buy a heartrate monitor soon so I can keep up with what I'm doing. I'm trying here. I'm really really trying. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

workin on my goals.

i've not looked at my 101 goals list in awhile. thats pretty shitty of me i think. i made the goals for a reason.

i'm going to learn quilling as soon as the mail comes, so i will be able to mark that off soon. and the same for zumba.

it seems i wrote 'write down 30 things i'm thankful for' twice on my list, so i might as well go ahead and knock one of those out now.

1. i am healthy
2. i've got a roof over my head and food in my belly
3. i have really supportive friends.
4. i know what love is, the good and the bad
5. calypso
6. my family. i may not always agree with them but they are there if i need them
7. that i enjoy my job and coworkers
8.that (knock on wood) my seasonal depression has been next to none this year
9. that i can find something to be thankful for even when i'm sad
10. technology. without it i wouldnt be able to keep in touch with so many people i care about
11. that my car runs (knock on wood)
12. that i have the ability to create things
13. that i enjoy helping others and can appreciate and acknowledge how blessed i really am
14. that i can still find ways to laugh at myself
15. books. an escape from reality, a whole new world.
16. that i'm learning to be healthier, mind and body
17. that switching my pills made the migraines go away
18. socks. without socks i'd be a cranky, cold-footed person
19. that i get to be a part of alisha's wedding. even though it's really hard and sad for me to think of wedding things right now, i'd not miss sharing this moment with her for anything.
20. i'm thankful for seasons changing. bc i think if you didnt have that you wouldnt appreciate the good ones even more.
21. i'm thankful that i have enough that i'm able to share with those in need
22. i'm thankful that i like fruit, or else this healthy meal-plan i've been put on would be the pits.
23. that i have this space to attempt to talk about my feelings. i know i suck at talking about my emotions, but this has given me a better grasp at trying to put things into words
24. that my office i work in now has a window and i get to see the sun
25. that there is a bigger plan for me in this world than what i know right now
26. that my grandma calls me to chat and check on the dog
27. that i can make other people laugh, even when i'm a mess inside
28. that i came from a small town. there are good and bad parts of livin in a small town, but i think it makes you appreciate the everyday aspects of life a little bit more.
29. the invention of the electric mattress pad, bc i am nice and toasty
30. that i took the time to write this list. bc it has helped me realize once again that i have many manythings in my life to be thankful for. and i know i dont say thank you enough for all of them. which i really need to start doing more.

i'm trying. i dont always do a good job with my words. but i'm trying so very hard.

it's been such a long day. I'm just so tired of caring. Tired of trying. I thought if I kept persisting, kept showing I cared, that itd mean something. But. Too little too late. I got signed up at health works and am genuinely excited. I'm going to Zumba tomorrow and maybe to the pool later in the week. It doesn't seem as intimidating as it used to, but maybe that's bc I have half a clue of what I'm doing. I'm not happy. I can fully admit that. But I gotta believe it's for a reason. Maybe I didn't show zach how much I cared when I should have. I won't make that mistake again. I just regret how things happened with him. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

so today i painted a picture. bc i had this ugly big lots painting that i've had sitting behind my couch since i moved in. i've been wanting to do something with it for awhile but i don't think i'm very good at painting. so i picked two colors and decided to just do something i know and love. this is what it ended up like:i'm pretty proud of it, aside from the paint i got on the frame that i need to figure out how to remove. but drawing the state was hard as hell. painting it with just some cheap foam brushes was even harder. but dammit, it came out pretty ok if i say so myself.

i've also been watching a lot of How I Met Your Mother lately. on the surface it's a stupid bromance superficial hot people show. but if you take the time to really watch it, it means well. i feel like sometimes i'm the female version of Ted. All through the show while he's tellin the story of how he met his wife, he goes through all these really hard life lessons. he's engaged once to someone who leaves him for someone else. he has all sorts of ups and downs as he tries to find his 'one.' and i know, i KNOW it's stupid to look for signs in a tv show that stars NPH, but some of the quotes really got to me today. here are two that i really like and i'm really hoping are true.

Narrator: Kids, I've been telling you the story of how I met your mother, and while there's many things to learn from this story, this may be the biggest. The great moments of your life won't necessarily be the things you do, they'll also be the things that happen to you. Now, I'm not saying you can't take action to affect the outcome of your life, you have to take action, and you will. But never forget that on any day, you can step out the front door and your whole life can change forever. You see, the universe has a plan kids, and that plan is always in motion. A butterfly flaps its wings, and it starts to rain. It's a scary thought but it's also kind of wonderful. All these little parts of the machine constantly working, making sure that you end up exactly where you're supposed to be, exactly when you're supposed to be there. The right place at the right time.

Ted:Okay, I'm going to say something out loud that I've been doing a pretty good job of not saying out loud lately. What you and Tony have, what I thought for a second you and I had, what I know that Marshall and Lily have—I want that. I do. I keep waiting for it to happen and waiting for it to happen and I guess I'm just, I'm tired of waiting. And that is all I'm going to say on that subject.
Stella: You know I once talked my way out of a speeding ticket?
Ted: Really?
Stella: I was heading upstate with my parents, I was doing 90 on the country roads. I got pulled over. So this cop, gets out of his car, swaggers over and he says, 'Lady, I've been waiting for you all day.' And I said, 'Sorry Officer, I got here as fast as I could.'
Ted: For real?
Stella: No, it's just a joke. I know that you're tired of waiting. And you may have to wait a little while more but, she's on her way, Ted. And she's getting here as fast as she can.


i have to believe that there is a plan for me, that all of this is happening for a reason. it's too scary to think otherwise.

today i've had a pretty ok day. no i didnt leave the house or get out of my pajamas. and yeah i've been upset all day. but i know i'm going to have good and bad days. days where i think this is the right thing and days where i think it's the biggest, worst mistake ever. and maybe both of those are correct, i dont know. but i have to believe that each day is leading me somewhere i'm supposed to be. and i just have to really work on being patient for whatever is supposed to happen next.

it's just so very very hard.

Clearly something is wrong with me as I woke up early and cleaned the house. I dusted. I scrubbed the bathroom. I even cleaned the fridge. I've been doing crazy things like this a lot lately. Maybe it's being healthy in winter for once? Even all my clothes are put away. Maybe I just realize being a slob isnt conducive to anything good. Maybe it's too little too late but I do feel better when everything is neat. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Why is it that I get a slew of drunk phone call and texts in the middle of the night from someone who I consider a friend at most telling me that I'm wonderful and I make him feel alive and that he has lied to me for years abt his feelings bc he actually loves me...

...when the person I love most, who I think loves me still but even that I don't even really know anymore, doesn't ever want to speak to me again in his life bc he doesn't want us and it's too stressful.

I do not understand life. I genuinely do not. It makes my head spin and hurt for everyone in this world who loves someone who won't/can't/don't love them back.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

also, this song.

well today i managed to break my apartment key off in my door, get lost on the way home from picking up my cousin at the airport, and get a collections notice about an apartment that i dont even live in.

all were straightened out in short order, but i feel like things are just snowballing. i did only cry once today, and that was this morning, so i feel like i am doing mediocrely ok.

tomorrow is the auction at the gym where we get to bid on the trainers and we get to decide what work-out they have to do. all the money goes to the children's hospital. so i don't mind throwing some money at this, especially since i can make them do the slide board (that thing i broke my ass on).

i mailed out a package today, that was really hard to do but needed to be done. something of pretty great sentiment was in there, but i didnt feel right keeping it anymore. hopefully it will go to someone who loves it just as much as i did someday. it breaks my heart, but i guess it had to happen.

anyway. i'm going to go hang out with my baby cousin and hear him talk about the wonders of california. i'm really glad to have him around this evening.

love to all of you out there in blog reader land.

"Was there one way? No, not as far as I could tell - other than to feel loved, to love back, and to do the things that make you feel as if your life has meaning and value, which can be as simple as making sure you spend time helping make life a little better for other people." -Dick Van Dyke, "My Lucky Life In And Out Of Show Business"

i was reading brandon's blog and he wrote this big important post because of this photo:



and his was this smart plan about winning the lotto and stocks and stability and being pretty smart about his future.

i would not do these things. i have enough money to live on. if i could do whatever i want for the next 24 hours i'd get zach and my closest friends and family and go to topsail island and just sit and enjoy the beach and each other.

there are always jobs. always enough money if i'm willing to scrounge and live cheaply. but if i could have one day of total happiness, then i think i would be ok.

i feel like this story isnt over. it's not me being stubborn. i just have to be stronger.