i've really done a terrible job keeping up with this thing as of late. but i just cant handle sitting in front of a computer any more than i have to lately. maybe its the change in weather, maybe its my attitude. i dont know what it is.

i had a really good weekend this past weekend. bethany came up and we had a really good visit. its nice to know that there is someone out there who feels the way i do about this moment in life, though i dont wish it on her or anyone else. where is the scientific study on what nearly 30 yr old females should be doing when they are still single? not even single necessarily, but not where they saw themselves at this age. now granted i didnt see myself as little suzy homemaker with aprons and pies and 2.5 kids. but i saw myself on that path at least. i feel like our generation is in such a weird place. the females had to step up and get the good jobs and educations and the males are living at home mooching off their parents. so now i've got the good job, a solid future, but the sharing it part is so cloudy. sure calypso is happy to see me come home, and she'll listen to me talk about my day if i'm willing to share my dinner with her, but it's just not the same.

but that was a weird tangent when i meant to talk about visiting with bethany. it was just really good to see her again. no matter how many months its been since the last time, we can always pick up right where we left off, with a bowl of ice cream.

we did a 5K with people i work with on saturday morning for the Making Strides for Breast Cancer thing. it was cold and windy, but it went really well. I walked/jogged by myself for most of it, which i actually prefer. it gives me time to think about all the people i know who are/have/could be fighting this and other things. if i start getting too negative in my mind about wanting to quit or slow down, i just remind myself that in the grand scheme of things, my fatigue and pain are fleeting and stupid. i see people like leah and lucas, fighting with everything in them to find some other option for lucas, giving him another year here, another month there. its terrifying. and they are trying so damn hard to keep it together. i'm proud and scared for them at the same time. but we did a good thing saturday morning and there were a lot of people out there, and it felt good to be a part of people who give a damn.

zach came in on sunday evening to stay a few days for school stuff. it was both wonderful and heartbreaking. i still dont know what is going to become of us. its not for lack of trying. however, i put some real time constraints on everything now. theres being hopeful and then there is being stupid. and i plan on by my birthday next year to not be living in morgantown. or at least be heading out the door. whether i end up with zach in lexington, or someplace like DC with work, i need to man up and finally get a change of scenery. i'm going to put on my big girl panties and move. and having even that for a goal has made me feel pretty good. i'm not going to let myself weener out this time.

that said, i feel like i need a new direction for this blog in its entirety. i know its mostly me getting on here and whining about very white girl first world problems. and when i read back over most of it i just feel like an asshole.

so i need to try to focus on new things. i want to continue to do healthy things. i dont know that there will be anymore 5Ks since it's starting to get cold out, but i can check it out. but i'm thinking that i need some new hobbies. here is where you a-holes come in. i need some ideas. i thought about looking into a cooking class, as we all know i'm a total failure in that area. and there are always art projects i could do, and i would love to do, but i feel like i'd like to do something more social. i need to not sit in the house all winter and mope. bc i'm feeling good about myself and i want to keep it up. i dont want to do like i always do and go in head first and get bored in two minutes. i feel like... like i need to do something meaningful. and i dont know what that is. so i'm going to stew on it and hopefuuly find something.

anywho. thats whats going on in my corner of the world. calypso is giving me the evil eye bc i've stolen her covers. she's started looking really old lately, all white around the eyes. makes me kinda sad.

anyway. i hope everyone is having a good week. much love.

Somebody found a new app




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Willie Friggin Nelson.


so. i had a really good weekend. laura came to visit and we went to the warhol museum and the melting pot. and then were lazy. and maybe the lazy part was best bc it was nice to just spend lazy time with family.

yesterday i was finally over whatever plague it was that i had that gave me a migraine and an assortment of other unpleasant things. if you start to feel gross, go take airborne. for reals. they have a chewable kind now that isn't so bad.

it's getting cold outside which is nice on one hand bc i love fall (as you all know if you've read for any length of time) but it has been raining today, which is just downright dreary. calypso and i didn't move from the couch for most of the day. sometimes though, blankets and sweatpants and books are almost perfect. i won't lie though, i was a little lonely.

i've been thinking seriously about taking a vacation by myself. going somewhere interesting that i've never been, like charleston sc or savannah. i have all this vacation time saved up that i was going to use on a honeymoon that i dont seem to need to save anymore. and while i'm pretty much terrified at the idea of traveling alone, maybe it's something i need to do. i'm going to think on this and not make a rash decision. bc i'm an old lady like that. but i would like to experience something new to me, something full of history. something to make me feel relaxed but energized again. and this time of year, while beautiful, can be a downer too, so maybe getting out of my comfort (read: funk) zone would be a good idea.

then again, i could just be talking out of my ass.

i dont like having a plan set in stone. i dont like the not knowing, and i feel like that's all my year has been. i need structure and i need some sort of positive outcome to be working toward. and i dont have that right now. i need to get off my ass and out of the house and meet people my own age, bc there aren't that many friends left living here for me to spend time with. i've got that itch to move again, but again, i feel like i don't have a positive goal to work toward. if i move one direction it could make things worse, if i move another it could make things awkward. if i move too soon or too late. i dont knkow. rambling again. i guess it boils down to i miss interaction with people and i need to get out there and find that. i only really have one or two people at work i spend any time with, and that mostly is at work. and then alisha and jason are always welcoming, but i feel like surely by now they are tired of me being a third wheel. if it wasn't for the trainers at the gym i probably wouldn't talk to much of anyone around here. and even though they are little kids and act and flirt like little kids, it does genuinely feel nice to at least have someone to joke around with. while they're busting your ass to do more reps on the bench press, of course. i think that amanda and i are genuinely liked at the gym, which is a nice thing since we whine all the time. one of the trainers told me that 'you can do it, kiddo' and i nearly dropped 15 lb weights on my foot from laughing so hard bc he is nearly a decade younger than i am. but it is really the only socialization i have anymore, and that is really hard for me, especially this time of year.

i'd think about going back to pottery but i've sunk all my spare paychecks into paying off those damn student loans. i actually live poorer now than i did in school, which is hard to swallow sometimes. i feel like i've gone through all the right steps and am waiting for that big reward, only to find out that you cannot pass go or collect $200. maybe i just need to realign what i thought the reward should be.

i dont know. these are not happy ramblings which is what it started out with bc i did genuinely have a good weekend with laura. i guess it's the weather and my crooked back. I feel like Archibald Craven from the Secret Garden (which if you dont know what i'm talking about, then shame on you, go read this book bc it is my favorite forever.)