today was just an exhausting day.

first i had to argue with the rental company about a late fee that i still dont think i deserve to pay but they are throwing a fit and went so far as to send me a nasty email about it after i called in and tried to have it explained. i completely lost my cool and emailed back and informed them that i had never been treated so rudely and their ethic toward customers was appalling. i usually dont do stuff like this (examply, i nearly started crying when i sent back a dish at dinner the other night bc it tasted awful but i didnt want to cause a scene or upset anyone) but the lady i spoke to was just flat out a rude bitch. so i'm probably going to get kicked out of my apartment now, but you know what? it's worth it.

we had a big video conference with the Secretary of Energy, Chu, this afternoon. it was more of a see-and-be-seen type of thing, but he said something that really stuck out to me. he said that when he became SoE and he was talking to people who wanted to work for the Dept of Energy that they had to want to change the world. and i really liked that. yeah there is a lot of politics in there, but it's nice that people are trying to make a positive difference.

i nearly canceled my gym session this evening bc i was feeling sorry for myself, but i've made friends with the trainer kid and he put together a workout plan for me and i didnt want to let him down. besides deep water running last night (which is super awesome btw) this was the first real working out i've done since i got the plague. and it felt soooo good. i needed that. my arms now feel like spaghetti bc i did everything to failure and that is just a damn good pain. i'm probably not going to be able to move tomorrow, but it's ok. i needed to push myself like that. my leg muscles are pretty good now, but it's time to work on my weenie girl arms. and i think if i keep this up i'm gonna be pretty alright in that area. and core. holy shit. my abs hurt. do planks, yall. that was almost half of my core workout.

tomorrow after work i am going to go visit barb in the hospital. it sounds like she's probably going to be hospitalized or at least bed-bound for the rest of her pregnancy and she is miserable. so i'll go stock up on trashy magazines and things to keep her occupied.

i do get down on myself and can be a mess. but that doesnt mean that i dont like myself. yeah my self esteem is usually nothing, but i know and can understand the good things. it's just sometimes it all overwhelms me and i lose it. i try so hard to be strong for everyone else that i forget to take care of myself. and i think thats what happened last night. i have to remember that not everyone is going to love me like i want them to, and that that is ok. i've just gotta keep picking myself up, dusting myself off, and keep going.

also this is going to sound silly but i feel naked without my mole now. it has been there all my life and i recognize it as part of just the general makeup of me. so to look at this little scar is just really unnerving for some reason. but then i think if you split me open right now you'd see a lot of little scars. gotta heal. but i'll always remember the hurting.