the fact that whitney houston has died should not upset me, but it does. and its not so much that i care so deeply about her but that she had a great talent and effectively killed herself. so many people have such wonderful gifts but are either pushed down, overwhelmed, or just plain hurting i guess. and its not just talented people, although i guess everyone has some sort of talent. i just. i dont know. people are troubled. i just want to go hug everyone and tell them they are loved and important and have a purpose on this earth. and i dont know if i want to do that strictly for other people or to hopefully remind myself. probably a lot of both.

i've got another date coming up. with a totally new person. i hate dating. i hate getting to know people in that way. why cant i just curl up on their couch and take a nap. if i can sleep around them then they must be something special. just skip the bullshit stage and just be able to know if theyre trustworthy, honest, caring. and i'd be lying if i said i was over zach, bc i'm sure all of you know that clearly. its just so... hard. i just wasnt a person who saw myself getting married and actually having kids and a future. and then i did and it was wonderful. and then the last year happened. what the fuck has this last year been besides a goddamn trainwreck. i didn't deserve this. i'm not trying to be a victim here but jesus. i did not deserve this. i didnt do everything perfectly, not by a long shot, but i did the best i fucking could. and everyone told me i was doing the right thing, was more than showing zach how much i cared. so what the fuck. i am just so angry. and hurt. and it makes me completely terrified to even try to open myself up to new people. but i dont want to be alone my whole life. i want to share the experiences with someone else, someone important. i am just bitching. i am healthy, i have a good job, i have friends who love me and take care of me when i need it. maybe that's all i'm supposed to have right now. but this is all new and scary and i dont like it. i dont blame the last date for not wanting to do anything further with me bc he's just as hurt by his ex as i am mine. so we're gonna be two fucked up friends who are still very much hurting. maybe i'm not ready to date, i dont know. its not bc i dont like myself, but how can i trust anyone now? i mean genuinely, how can i. i open myself up to someone and he runs away when things get alittle hard and then completely destroys his life and in turn mine, completely ruining my ability to trust. and the most fucked up partm the part that makes me absolutely hate myself is that i miss him. how can i miss someone who so totally fucked me over. deserted me when i needed him, even though i was getting a lot better than i had been, fucked and married some whore, and then lied about it. logically i can see how awful these things are. and then i try to excuse it bc he was depressed and a drunk, but maybe thats just who he really is. he had no problem getting over me and jumping into bed with the first slut that gave him the time of day. i wont say that he doesnt deserve every terrible thing that happened bc of her bc he absolutely does. tenfold. he should feel like shit. but he doesnt, he's moved on and is having a great life, and i'm the one stuck feeling like shit, not able to trust anyone. it makes me think that maybe i should just go find someone to fuck and get it over with. completely lose all morals that i've set for myself of taking time to get to know and trust people and just go have some dirty carnal pleasure. it seems to work for everyone else on this planet.

how in the fuck did i get from being sad about whitney houston to wanting to go have a lay with a stranger. hell maybe i'll just call brett, he's alwys up for it and will cook for me afterwards, so that should be a win win.

in the end i doubt i'll do that bc i may not have any self esteem but i do have some respect for myself. i cant help but think though that it would help on some level. maybe i'm just so cranky bc i need to get laid.

we still havent heard whether we've won the DC contract. if we dont get it i really really desperately need to come up with some other plans and get out of this town. nothing to do and too many painful memories.

i'm not losing it. the scary thing is i'm saner more than i've ever been. but i really figured i would be finished hurting by now. when will that stop? when will my heart stop missing someone who has no trouble whatsoever with throwing me away not once but twice. i didnt do a single thing wrong, i loved as hard as i could, so why am i the one hurting? i thought life was supposed to be about good things happening to good people, not the other way around. maybe i am the victim. i dont want to be one forever. i want better than this.