I have so much on my mind lately that I feel like my brain is going to pop. Good and bad.

I had several good conversations with people which helped me learn a little more about myself and the world. I know that's vague and it's hard to explain.

I still don't know my place in this world. On one hand I'm trying very hard to find it. On the other, I'm at a complete and total standstill. I don't know where I am going but I hope it's somewhere.

One good thing today was I helped lish decide on the bouquets for her wedding. I'm pretty good at making them if I say so myself. I don't think I'll ever be more proud of any than the one I made for myself. I assume it got trashed a long time ago. But it was beautiful. But the ones for lish are very pretty too. Very fitting her personality. I'm glad I could help her. We are going tomorrow so she can try on dresses and we can try on bridesmaid dresses. It breaks my heart a little bit. Maybe I really am always going to be a bridesmaid and never a bride. I came awfully close though... I think everything from that has now been sold/donated/destroyed. That's a little heartbreaking too. But this isn't abt me it's abt lish. And I have to keep remembering that. I want her to have her perfect wedding. And I'll do whatever I can to make that happen.

We were supposed to see barb in the hospital this evening but I guess she had another bad day and wasn't up for visitors. I'm so worried about her and the babies. I'm going to try to go tomorrow evening if she is doing any better.

I'm really sore today from the gym last night. Which I knew I would be. But it's a good sore. It's something I can be proud of. Lately I don't really feel like I've got many things to be proud of, so I'll take the gym soreness. I genuinely am trying to make myself better and stronger. Both physically and mentally. There is a 5k next month and I'm going to do it if it kills me.

Someone said that they think I'm not happy with myself. I think that is incorrect bc it's a misconception. I am happy with myself. I'm just not happy with the situation myself is in and I'm not sure how to go about changing it. I know how to take care of myself and others. How to love myself and others. How to live a good and honorable life that would make people proud of me. But I just don't think I am doing that to my full potential. And I don't know how. Not yet anyway. I'm hoping I'll figure it out, and we all know patience isn't my strong area. Yeah I lost my mind the other night, but who hasn't when the weight of all your worries and stresses and hopes and dreams just becomes too much. I'm not ashamed of it. And I write about it on here and let it all out in the open because I want you to understand me better. Maybe in doing do I'll understand myself better. But I'm not ashamed of my tears and rants. But they don't mean that I'm not happy with myself. If anything I'm not happy with the fact that I can't find a way to help someone else.

Anyway. I know the few of you who still read this are out there keeping tabs on my. And I do appreciate it. From the bottom of my heart.


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