the fact that calypso is so in tune with my emotions is an interesting thing, but it really makes me sad when i feel like she's sad too. she hasnt left my side all day, sleeping with her head in my lap.

i know i'm whining guys. i know none of you want to hear it. but this is really the only outlet i have to allow myself to be upset, bc day-to-day i have to be the happy fun helpful andrea. but i feel like i have a giant weight sitting on my chest. i am sad. i'd be lying if i said i wasnt. i have good moments, with friends, on the random date, and surprisingly at the gym of all damn places, but in the grand scheme of life, i am sad. even when i had my winter depression last year i was sad bc i felt like i was a part of a good thing. even when things were bad, and sometimes they were, but i felt like things would always end up ok if we tried hard enough.

i've made a damn ass of myself trying.

i have no idea what i am doing and that scares the living hell out of me. i'm trying very hard to be ok with what happened and accept it as a lesson and move on from it. but clearly i'm not doing a very good job of it. and i don't know what it is that i'm doing wrong. i'm tired of being angry and sad and hurt and a mess. and i'm doing all the things i'm supposed to be doing to not feel those things. but it's not working. hell, i'm even reading a book called "enjoying where you are on the way to where you are going." i'm only halfway thru but it doesnt seem to be helping.

maybe i need to not push myself so hard trying to be ok with everything and just be miserable for awhile. i've never had time to just be miserable. i was either trying to help zach or help someone else or trying to show people i'm strong and happy. maybe i just need to be gd miserable.

whats my valentines day plans? going to the gym. coming home. having pasta that i'll end up sharing with the dog bc she gives me sad eyes. miserable.

i dont want to leave this town bc i'm running away from my hurt. but i'm not happy here. and i dont know where to find it.

i was supposed to be getting married in six months and moving to lexington. now i'm watching Being Human (the british version, not american, which i recommend) and arguing with my landlord in my overpriced one bedroom third floor dump. this is not where my life was going. and i want it back. but the harder i try the further away it gets. so i guess i have to find a new one. and i dont know how.