someone left me this comment on one of my posts:

"if you can't destroy what you love, then how can you save yourself?"

i have no idea who wrote it (they chose to be anonymous) or what it means. so if whoever out there is reading this, please let us have a conversation so i can understand what exactly it is you mean.

the longer i sit here the more mad i get about a conversation i had last night. out of nowhere i received an email from zach, calling me among other things, a slut, and trying to intentionally hurt my feelings. this coming after two days ago he sent me an email saying that if i contacted him again he'd pursue legal action and get a restraining order against me. no, i am not even joking. so color me angered when i received an email effectively telling me that he has replaced calypso and myself in his life, and then called me a slut.

i lost my shit on him. i do not care if he does pursue legal action against me for contacting him bc of that. but no one NO ONE calls me names and intentionally tries to tear me down in such a manner. i informed him that he was a hypocrite, seeing as he not only married a stranger and lied about it, but already has a second long-term relationship going. if going on one single dinner date makes me a slut, then what exactly does that make him?

i know he just wants to hurt my feelings. maybe his feelings are hurt about something, i dont know, he doesnt speak to me of such things, only of what a terrible person i am and to not respond if i dont want to go to jail. but i will not tolerate that kind of hypocritical bullshit in my life. i may love him, the old him, the not vile, mean, and slightly unhinged him, but no one talks to me like that and stays a part of my life in any faction. i've blocked all his email addresses and if for some reason he tries to contact me by phone, i'll pay the ten dollars a month to have that blocked too. i genuinely wish him happiness with his new little family, bc god knows he needs it. but i do not want people in my life who are goin to call me a slut for not doing anything wrong at all. thats just stupid and uncalled for. it DOES hurt my feelings to see someone i cared so deeply for, someone who i wanted to spend my life and raise children with, act like this. i cant win with him. i try to move on with my life like he demanded i do, but somehow that makes me a slut and someone to despise. no thank you, i will not have it. i may be sad about how things have happened, but i will not let myself be routinely beaten down. i do have SOME self respect.

my house is spotless. anger does wonders when you need to get stuff done.

i wont do this anymore. i'll love the memory of the good we had together, bc we had so so much good. but it's become a very grainy memory as of late. and that hurts. it hurts that maybe i didn't really know the man i wanted to marry and grow old with aafter all.