i told my friend brett not to come in today. i'm not ready for that. and that makes mkes me so very angry. partly bc i'm just not ready and partly bc all i can hear in my head if i do anything is zach calling me a slut. and that's not fair at all seeing as he's well, a slut. and i feel bad for jerkin brett around though he said he doesnt mind. and i feel bad fo rme bc i've let someone who just wanted to hurt my feelings do so and ruin my weekend. and its not fair, but it's my own fault for listening to it. but if anything it made me like him less. because what kind of person will go out of their way to make someone miserable when they have done everything that they're being mean to the other about? i have to keep reminding myself that he left me when i needed him, he married some slut, he lied about it, he left again when i was working thru trying to forgive him, and now he's already shacked up with some other chick who probably doesnt even know all the stuff thats happened to him.

so how dare he make me feel like i'm the bad person? i'm just trying to find my own little piece of happiness. i guess him calling me names and being a dick had more to do with this than i thought. but i was right and am still convinced that he is not a man his grandad would be proud of and if thats the case, i dont want to be with that kind of man. i really really liked his grandad and respected his opinion and i looked after zach just like he asked me to. but if jerome were alive he would not tolerate zach treating me like he has. nor would my grandad. nor does pretty much everyone in my life who is alive. so why have I? i want to marry a man that i would be proud of. that my family and friends would be proud of.

i care too much about people who have no other agenda than to hurt me. and thats fucked up.

the whole point of this post was not to whine about how mean zach is to me. hopefully i wont hear from him any further. the point of this post is that i'm glad i went ahead and told brett not to come in this weekend. i mean i got a raincheck, so that's always nice to know. but i took myself to lunch and then took a nice long nap. and it was good and what i needed today. it wasnt a self pity nap, it was an i'm completely exhausted mentally and just needed to regroup. being angry and worried really just takes it all out of you. and had brett come to visit i prob wouldnt have been much fun and i dont want to do that to him.

i still dont know what i'm doing. i'm not ashamed of anything i've done/will do. i'm not a slut. i'm not mean. i'm just someone who cares too much and ha too big a heart and lets people take advantage of that. and i'm gonna work on that. i'm not going to let anyone, especially zach, make me feel like i'm less than anything i am.