there is only so long i can be brave before i crack and totally lose my shit.

and that happened tonight.

i sit and worry about everything. EVERYTHING. everything in my life. everything in my friends life. everything in people who want nothing to do with me's life. everything in the lives of complete and total strangers. and i've sat here and just sobbed for the better part of 3 hours.

and i know its stupid and i know i should be grateful for everything in my life, and i AM grateful for everything. but i still come up empty handed and cant figure out for the life of me what exactly it is that i am doing wrong. there were parts of me that almost -wanted- my labs to come back bad, so that then i'd actually have somethiing real to be upset over.

i'm tired of being strong for myself and for everyone around me. i just want to curl up in a ball and cry and let someone take care of me for awhile. but i cant do that. bc i dont have that. i cant ask people to leave their own lives and their own problems to take care of me when i'm just crazy and there is nothing really wrong.

but i would give up my job, my salary, hell, even my books, just to feel like everything is actually ok. to feel like i belong somewhere.

i dont belong anywhere.