whimpering

this is me writing this while in the fetal position, trying not to boot. i wasn't aware that i was sick, but each time i move around the world gets a little sloshy. and no, i'm not preggo. i can verify that with eightyfour thousand percent certainty. if i were, this would be an entirely different blog, eh?

i had plans today. well, i was going to make

myself get out of this house. i need a bucket for pottery class. i need to sign some crap at us cellular to finally shut the old phone off for good. i keep reading texts on it, wondering what they really mean in the grand scheme of things. it looks like they point to nothing. bc if they pointed to something thing thered be something. but again, i'm not so good at math.

the new phone i did. and i figured out that my last 4 digits spell something and it made me laugh bc its something i do and love, but i cant put it on here for obvious reasons. the positive thinking assignment i have clearly not mastered. i think bc its hard to hear an outsider say the same things your friends have been telling you for years. and even though you know your friends wouldnt lie to you, you still hope they are wrong. two minutes into a story, and they are apparently dead right.

and ok. i know most of you know it, but lets put it out there. i'm going to therapy. i started last week and i go again on thursday and probably once a week for the foreseeable future. and it isnt just bc of the Situation but bc i've just been a mess for a very long time and btwn that and the job and the biopsy and the identity theft i lost my shit. and at least this time, unlike the time my sophomore year of college, i recognized that i lost my shit. and i know i'm going to continue to hide in bed and sleep a lot for awhile, but i'm really hoping this time i'll get things worked out instead of just having pills shoved down my throat, bc they didnt help me and i just buried everything deep down. am i completely embarrassed by all this, very much so. bc i'm the one who is always supposed to have a plan and be in control and help everyone with anything they need. but apparently that is part of my problem. i picked the teddy bear with one eye when i was 6 and i pick they people with unfixable problems when i'm 26. and its amazing that in a 2 our period she managed to completely break me down til i questioned everything i th ought i knew without a doubt for the past three years of my life. and for reasons i've always said too, that nothng ever happened. i'm equally excited and afraid of what will happen this week.

so anyway. i still feel sick. i think i'm going to go back to sleep.