dear blogger

i'm fairly certain if one more bad thing happens this week i'm going to need to be shut up in a room with padded walls. so since i like to be mean to myself, lets set up that game of seeing what disease i'm going to end up with. i figure we should go with family history here, so your choices are:
-diabetes
-thyroid problems
-heart disease
-depression
-cancer (breast, cervical, lung, skin, prostate (guess i'm out for that one, harharhar), and brain)
-alzheimers
-alcoholism related things (liver failure, etc)

i think thats a pretty good mixed bag of choices there. place your bets. who knows, you could have a quick payoff!

so after dealing with the bank and after spilling my mtn dew slushy on myself, i tried to think of the thing that has made me the happiest in a long time. and the only thing i could think of was in spring 2006 working for the Univ Press. I usually did editing, which was great by me, but one day my boss asked me to read a manuscript and write down important images and how things made me feel. i thought it was a strange assignment but i did it anyway. so i sat out on the columns by the steps on white hall overlooking downtown and sat in the sun and read this whole book. it's a very captivating, if not depressing book. and by the end of it i'd filled two legal sheets with notes. so when i was finished with that my boss sat me down at a computer to look at istockphoto and find images that made me feel like the words i wrote down. i didnt know it at the time but he was having me try to find something to put on the covers of this book bc the author hadnt liked anything that he'd come up with. so i found a couple standard images that directly related to the story. and then i found this image (have i talked about this before? i feel now like i have..) and its a blurry photo of a man dancingn with a flash of blurry fireworks in the background and its so powerful and amazing. so i added it. and as it turns out that is photo the author chose and he wrote me this great email (that is now lost forever bc MIX didnt tell me they were deleting me yet) that he was so glad someone felt what he felt about the story and i just felt so great in that moment knowing i'd helped bring to life this book and seeing my name on the copyright page. and i want a feeling like that again.

and i dont know how to find it. the last three years of my life i've completely lost track of my life. i thought i was building a future and as it turns out i was building it on sand.

and this is gross but i was cleaning my wounds today and it is super gross and blood and i'm sorry i even started this train of thought and all i could think was that i have these holes in me and they'll never be the same again and and i just dont know. i dont know where i was going with that. other than i feel empty.

thats all i have to say right now. i dont know what else to say. i've run out of words today.

sorry for being so fucking depressing.