i am not a bear

i had an acid flashback today (which is a joke, kids. the closest thing i've come to acid is the wash in my jeans) while i was hiding under the covers to first grade. maybe i've told you about this before but it still makes me laugh. but our first grade teacher gave us an assignment to pick out our favorite animal and then draw the best possible picture we could of it bc she was going to have them put on transfers on a tshirt for us. a lot of girls drew dolphins and cats, and i remember chris bailes drew a crocodile (which was amazingly well done for a first grader) and i drew a koala. i was very impressed with myself frankly, i drew not one but two lovely koalas clinging desperately to two separate trees. but the best part to this picture is that one of them had a little speaking bubble, like in a comic book, that said 'I AM NOT A BEAR.' and this absolutely cracked me up at the time, bc obviously a koala is not a bear, its a marsupial, but people always called them koala bears, and my first grade self thought these people were obviously morons and they probably didn't even know all the names of the ninja turtles. and everytime i would wear my shirt i would look at myself in the mirror and yell in all capital letters I AM NOT A BEAR and then just laugh my annoying laugh til i cried. this was before i mastered my second language of sarcasm, but even now i can recognize what a smartass little shit i was even then.

and i dont know what the point of this is. its like... i know i am not a something, but i havent quite figured out what that something is. and it should be obvious and it should make sense. but i dont know what it is. am i not a statistic? well, in some instances i am. am i not sad? no, i definitely am that one. am i not a fool? the verdict is still out on that one, but signs are not pointing in my favor. so i dont know what i'm not. bc i am scared and i am confused and i am lonely and i am really good at making fun of myself to cover up how much i'm really hurting.

but then, i guess i'm not a bear.





(and for the record, i always like Raphael the best bc he had the best dry wit, but eeeeveryone liked Michelangelo, so i claimed to like him best too.)


p.s. the notebook is on. i equally hate and love this movie and will now have to take tylenol pm bc of it. but the part i like most is his last letter to allie. bc thats what everyone wants. maybe thats what i'm not. i am not awake.