things

i had an incredibly vivid dream last night that really unnerved me. i know dreams are what we are too afraid to admit to ourselves in the waking hours, and this one shook me hard.

i never claim to know what the right thing is in my life. but i am for once trying to get help. willful ignorance is a state i've let myself live in for a very long time. do i like the things that are happening right now, no not necessarily. they fucking hurt. but i'm making these damn changes with the hope of fixing myself for once. bc i have spent so much time trying to fix everyone else that i havent fixed myself in a long time and these unicorn band-aids wont hold me together much longer. i'm allowed to be selfish and expect good things for once. and i havent done that in a very long time. hell, i dont remember how to. shouldnt that be terrible? that i dont remember how to be happy???

i'm trying to do the right thing. i dont know if it is. but i know what i was doing before wasnt either, bc i felt worthless. i feel worthless. and words dont fix worthless. actions fix worthless. and i relied and hoped on something that never had action.

i dont know what i'm doing. and i am scared that this wont work. but i'm hoping. i've hoped for a lot of things though. and each time i've been let down. so i hope this time it will get better. bc if it doesnt i dont know what i'll do.