thinkin

its 7 am. this wouldnt be bad to be awake, but i've been staring at the ceiling since 4. the sky is slowly but surely turning grey.

and i know we cant always get answers to the questions we ask, no matter how loud we scream. and i know everything happens for a purpose, but i feel like i've not had one in a long time. i dont like when things dont make sense. i dont think anyone really does, but i also dont think people sit awake staring at nothing hoping to see the stars just because they are a constant and even though we spin, they are there. even though really they arent and all the stars have died their beautiful death forever ago. but for our tiny blip on this radar of time, they are there and you can count on them.

i dont know when life got so cloudy.

i went to a doctor and she asked me what i saw for my future. i said i dont.

and then the guilt kicked in bc i have a roof over my head and food in supply and even people to talk to a phone call or short drive away. but if you think i wouldnt trade any of those in to feel like i had a purpose, a future, a anything, you'd be mistaken.

i had a fortune cookie today that made me laugh in its misspelling. it said 'do onto others as you would have done to you.' what would i do onto someone. hug them perhaps. the real kind, the kind where you just dont let go. thats onto, not unto.

the things i knew, or at least thought i did, i dont even know those things anymore. not really. i dont know what i know anymore.