trying to be zen

ok. so after i had myself a little (big) cry, and switched my bandages (which lead to more crying but i tried to make it as funny as possible and use majestic pink princess unicorn bandaids) i told myself to man up and get shit in perspective. i know doctors always have to give defcon 2 worst case scenarios and scare the hell out of you (seriously kids, use sunscreen, for me.) but that doesnt mean necessarily what it boils down to. and while i am a debbie downer, i've got to try and pick myself back up for the eightyfour thousandth time and try and just deal with it. they gave me an Elmo juicebox when i started crying at the doctor, i just need to find my life Elmo juicebox.

so virginia is out the window. pipe dream anyway. i may still take a couple days to myself, but i just cant disappear like i so badly want to. and not only bc i have 2 appointments next week and one the week after, but bc in a moment of needing to get out of my head i signed up for a pottery class. can i afford it, no. am i good at it, i learned this evening thats a big hell no. but if i dont do something i think my head will explode.

and i guess its a good thing that the other company never took their offer off the table. they have better insurance. so hello new job Feb 1. i'm hoping that was teh right decision. i wanted to leave here so bad, but i want to do it for me, not running away from life. bc i know even if i run away all this shit will follow me. there is nothing of this that i have control over, so i need to have at least something, like the pottery, that i can control. although i wasnt good at controlling it tonight and have now ruined my favorite jeans.

i'm scared. i'm sure i dont have any reason to be, but i am. and its times like this, and when i had to go to the dr every three months before (and i just realized that this is 3 months since my last of those appts and i am not appreciating the irony here) that i wish i had someone here to hold my hand. bc i can joke about it til the end of the day (and fast fact, if i'm joking, that means i am really damn scared) but i still would rather have someone around. it's hard keeping myself standing sometimes. and i know all of you would help me if i asked, and i appreciate that more than you know, but it just isnt the same. i thought i knew what i wanted, and that disintegrated before my eyes, and now with this, this just doesnt help it.

i'm just very low this evening. when things fall apart, it's like the hiroshima bomb. sometimes i wish i drank a lot or had some terrible habit to escape from all this. but i'm straight edge and boring. and sometimes, boring is really fucking lonely.