when i cant breathe

so i'd managed to keep my shit together, functioning in a very robotic manner of brain shut off until sometime in the night when i just lost it. completely i couldnt breathe bc i was crying so hard lost it. (side note, i dont tell you these things to make you feel sorry for me or anything. half the time i'm putting them on the page more for me.) and i didnt want to bother anyone with all this crap going through my brain, but i knew good ol joel would still be awake bc he sleeps less than i do. and i was in hysterics on the phone with him for the better part of two hours. but joel being joel does not sugarcoat life when i'm upset, and i appreciate that. and the thing that surprised me the most was that he said he was proud of me.

proud?

i mean. it is notoriously known that i do not make decisions. i just float where life takes me and if i dont like it i generally dont do anything about it. but in one day i made not one but two major life decisions that both had the endgoal of that i just couldnt do this anymore and i have to make a change. while i dont necessarily feel great at all about all this and what has transpired, he told me that while i cant see it now this is the best thing i've ever done for myself. that hell, its probably the only thing i've ever done for myself like this. it may not be on one hand at all what i wanted to do or what i thought would happen, but i've made a choice to actually change something. and thats true. one of the decisions was much harder than the other, much more painful. but it was going to happen eventually and not bc i didnt try enough, didnt help enough, didnt love enough, didnt fight enough. and even if i made the choice with the tiny hope that it would in turn fix things the way i wanted them, even if it didnt, i still made it, and i'll stand by it forever. and i will.

but i have some things to do, so i'm going off the grid for awhile. i said that before and yet continued to post eightyfour thousand times. this time, barring any major life altering news, i'm going offline.

hugs to you all. the kind that are real and comforting.