I'm telling myself I'm irrationally worried. After the txt exchange with zach this weekend (who else would you have expected it to be from?) where in he claimed a handful of things and once again made me the bad guy for being on dates (yes he's still living with someone and I do believe they are engaged tho he says otherwise) he left a cryptic message asking if I really thought he'd be here tomorrow after I said to him that regardless of what he says, I don't believe him when he says he loves me and wants to be with me bc he hasn't done anything about it and he was only instead trying to ruin my evening. And has since dropped off the face of the planet. I'm 99% sure it's a tactic to make me feel bad but that 1% of me remembers the last time he threatened to kill himself and how deadly serious he was. Hence, I'm legitimately worried. He cAn blame me all he wants for how shitty his life is now, if I could at least just know he is alive. I do think though that everything that has happened to him is karma coming back to him and the cycle will continue until he takes responsibility for himself an stops trying to find blame to load onto me. In the past year I have grown in so many positive ways, whereas he has regressed tremendously. And bc I still care about him as a human I continue to try to help him better himself and his life. And I hear every one of you saying I should know better by now and that is true. But you always want to help the hopeless. And now that I can't even confirm whether he is alive. It's all rather stressful.
That said. What I told him, and what I stand by and believe, is that I am going to be ok. I'm going to have a good life with or without him in it. I'm going to get married someday and I'm going to have children someday. And it'll be under my terms and my happiness. and I guess he didn't like to hear that. But it is the truth. Even if he is, heaven forbid, dead or hurt right now, that isn't the end of my life. I'll always on some plane of existence wish he had taken care of himself and his problems in a positive way like I have tried to so that we could have an adult and civil conversation. But even now he either can't see the hypocrisy of his words (I'm the bad guy for dating, but he's living with someone) or else he's attempting to play my emotions to make me miserable bc he too is miserable.
I may be worried to death about him but I am far from miserable. Sunday showed me that. Sunday showed me a lot of things, mostly that I am capable of a whole lot more than I even believed I could be. I have been my own worst enemy, believing I am undeserving of many good things in life. But I can see that is just not so. And knowing and believing that is probably something I'll have to struggle with every day for the rest of my life. But I am a good person. I do deserve the good in my life. And if I try hard enough and be open to the goodness available in my life the things I want out of my life will happen for me. In fact I have a date this weekend that I'm legitimately excited about bc it's with a guy I've been talking to (txt email etc) for awhile now and this will be the first time we get to meet in person. And unless, heaven forbid, I have to go to a funeral or something, I'm going to go and enjoy myself bc I have a lot in common with this guy and we have never had a dull conversation. I won't let zach make me feel like I deserve less than thr best out of life. I must actually really believe he hasnt done something stupid to himself and is in fact just trying to hurt me, with the way I'm crafting these sentences. Don't get me wrong I will be heartbroken if he has done something to harm himself, and at this rate I may never know one way or the other. Although I could contact his cousin who likes me still. I may do that for my own piece of mind and wash my hands of it all. All worry aside I feel like today is going to be a good day. Much love to everyone. Maybe I'll sleep for another half hour now. Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
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