i'm still watching the olympic opening. i know i just typed not long ago, but you know me. sometimes when i get started i just have to keep typing until i find what i'm thinking.

the olympics make me sad in the same way things like the nobel prize makes me sad or disasters make me sad. these people are... well they are great. they are great atheletes. great minds. the disasters bring out great heros and helpers. these people have a purpose and achievement. they are inspirational. they have heart.

and i am jealous of that. i'm never going to win gold. i'm never going to cure cancer. and i dont know if i am ever going to be able to make an impact on the world in the way in which i would like to be able to. i dont want to be rich or famous. i dont want to be a namebrand. i just want to be a good person and find my place on this blue marble where i can bring happiness to others and feel good about myself. and i dont know where that is and i dont know what i'm supposed to do.

i'm just in a weird mood. i'm sorry. i place a lot of blame on the people who've hurt me when its my own fault for letting it happen. two in particular were the same situation, trying desperately for recognition, a sense of worth. until i felt like i had no worth at all. and its hard to change that mindset. i know i am worth something. hell, i've even said it on here trying to convince myself. i still question. i still just dont know. i'm really really trying.

see, that had nothing much to do with the olympics. and i am crazy. i am sorry for being crazy.