once upon a time

all growing up we'd used to go stay a couple days to a couple weeks, depending on everyones schedules, and go stay in a cabin at canaan to go skiing and those were some of the best times that i can remember. and pappaw always used to get us kids those bubble gum cigars. i always got pink, michael always got blue, laura always got purple.

i dont know why i remember this. i dont know why it is important.

so i went to sleep yesterday at 715. i had 3 separate panic attacks yesterday, for no reason, well, not no reason, but no important reason. so i just gave up on the day. they are so severe that when i woke up today my right side felt like i'd been lifting weights and was sore. i have got to calm down. especially since i'm about to be snowed in all weekend. i was gonna go to DC but uh, the forecast says otherwise. which is probably a good thing.

work is still good. i cant say enough how thankful i am for it and for the people there. work and pottery are like my lifelines lately, bc i have to be good at one and prove to these people i am worth their trust in me as a writer, and can turn my brain off for the other and just... just make something. something that isnt for anyone else and wont upset anyone else and even if i cant make it perfect thats still ok because it doesnt have to be and i can just breathe in and out and the world keeps spinning. hell. that was a ramble.

i'm trying. i'm trying to do the right thing. but it is still good and safe and not as scary to come home and put on the grey sweatpants and curl up in bed and watch crap tv. i do love crap tv.

craaaaaaaaaaaaaaap tv.

i nearly bought myself an ice cream cake from DQ this evening. because i love ice cream cake. but i couldnt think what to have written on it in that delicious gel icing that wouldnt be lame. 'you can do this'? 'this cake is delicious'? 'dont give up now?' 'i dont understand the plot of Lost'? and then the chest tightening started and i went home.