so i decided to go ahead and go watch ben folds last night. weather and everything tried to make it a bad experience, but i couldnt give up a chance to see my absolute favorite musician. and i'm so glad i did. i had chills throughout the entire show. every single song he played holds some specific meaning to me for different stages of my life. He even played my absolute favorite song of his, one of his lesser known (for a barely known artist, thats pretty unknown) songs "Smoke." it's so incredibly sad but with the orchestra playing in the background, it made my heart swell, if that is humanly possible for someone who has a cold dead heart like me. i laughed when he played Song for the Dumped and shocked all those symphony patrons with the f-bomb, harmonized with the entire audience for Not the Same, and shamelessly cried at Landed. that hour and a half made me feel more alive than i have in months. and i'm so glad i decided to go. here is a photo of ben folds conducting the audience:
however today hit me like a ton of bricks. because on day's like today, this holiday, all my fears are compounded, magnified, expanded, exploded. this is not where i saw myself this valentines day. or the last valentines day. or any, for that matter for the last several years. my feelings are no different than they have been even though i recognize they get me no where. the actions i have taken over the last few months have only shown me what i feared most, and that is that what i believed in was wrong. and because of this i woke up with a headache and did not get out of bed until 2. i allowed myself to mope. but then i decided to get up, put on my big girl panties, and have some fun. so i got myself dressed, even put on make up and holiday-colored clothing, and went to a late lunch with friends. here is a slightly blurry photo to prove that i was up and dressed:
and lunch was great and i had a great time and was feeling happy even though my head is exploding out of my eyes. and then mammaw called. i know mammaw means well and i love her for it. but the way she words things... the conversation basically went like this.Me: (driving home, answer phone, btw) Hi mammaw
Mammaw: Hello. I just wanted to call and check on you today.
Me: (assuming she means the snow) Oh i'm good, the roads are clear now, we can get out and about.
Mammaw: Did you get any flowers for valentines day?
Me: ....no, no flowers. i did take myself to the symphony last night (hoping to change the subject.)
Mammaw: I figured you wouldnt get flowers today. Thats why I wanted to call and make sure you were ok.
Me: (through gritted teeth, as the headache gets worse) Yes, mammaw. i'm fine. i had a nice lunch with friends.
Mammaw: Oh good. I'm glad you aren't sitting home alone all by yourself today. What are you doing now?
Me: ...going home. by myself.
Mammaw: Oh. well, stay warm! (hangs up)
at this point i wrecked my car into the giant snowbank beside my house because i hit a patch of ice going too fast. I'm fine and the car is fine, and after about ten minutes of spinning and mcguyvering, i got it out. but it did not really help my day. so now i'm going to go take another handful of drugs and pass out.
so happy valentines day everyone. if you have someone to love in your life, let them know it. don't let any opportunity you have to make something wonderful get away.
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