so i have a migraine, crooked spine, and broken heart. where can i find a doctor to fix me?

zach is moving back to kentucky. tomorrow. this came as a total shock to me. i thought i was meeting him for dinner to celebrate my late birthday, instead he wants picked up at the uhaul place. needless to say i lost my shit. and somehow i'm the bad guy for being upset by this. i'm sorry, i thought i was being helpful and trying to work something out. instead he is running away and i'm left here holding the baggage.

i'm a mess.

it didnt help that i went to the chirpractor right before hand and he told me he didnt like the look of my xrays and was going to send them to a radiology specialist. bc there may be some sort of degenerative thing going on whch explains why i hurt all the time.

also i have a migraine and all this worry and crying hasnt helped it a bit and i just want to stab my eyeballs out.

i want zach to get better, but i dont think running away is the answer. i know its not, since its what i threatened to do so many times. but who am i to have an opinion here? apparently no one. my opinion does not matter. my feelings do not matter. i do not matter. and somehow i'm in the wrong for being upset by this. so sorry for having feelings.

i didnt think i was asking much in life. someone to love me that i could love back. someone to take care of me that i could take care of back. someone to laugh with. someone to maybe someday have kids with. if i'm such a good person like everyone says then why does everyone run away.

sure zach says he stilll loves me but wants to 'rollthe dice on this one'. never have i felt more worthless than hearing those words. i'm no better than a bet on a craps table. and the odds arent in my favor. and i know it isnt my fault that this happened, that it was happening long before he and i even met. but i tried so damn hard to help him and he wouldnt listen. this is one of those cases where i dont like being right. and i dont like this situation now, bc there will be too much pressure on him to drink. i'm so incredibly worried about that. all of his friends in lexington are alcoholics. thats not the environment anyone should be in.

i'm just babbling now. i have no idea in my mind what to do. i want to support and help him. but i cant sit here by myself for the next 80 years waiting on him to decide whether that dice roll should happen.

i genuinely thought that this was it for me. someone told me that seeing me in the pic of where i tried on my wedding dress was the happiest they had ever seen me, and that they knew this was right for me (this someone being someone who very much thought it was wrong for me). and if they can see it then why cant this be easy.

no. i know nothing in this world is easy. but i'm tired of hurting. i was happy for a year and it was the single best year of my life. and then i got blindsided and it all got taken away.

its like that god damn adele song thats on the radio right now.

i'm taking a sleeping pill and goin gto bed. and its not to run away from my problems. i am trying not to do that anymore. i just need to sleep bc i didnt sleep last night and i'm so upset/worried/hurting that i dont think i can function right now.

i'm sorry. i'm so sorry for being a mess all the time. i just want to be happy.