thinkin about my bday

so. my birthday is sunday. and i'm not going to lie, i'm actually dreading it. to the point that thinking about it makes me want to cry.

it has been such a rough year. it started out so well and then just spiraled down. i know logically i have many things this year that i am thankful for, but i think the overall word for 27 will be exhausted.

i am proud of myself with work. and i'm very proud of myself that i've taken control of my health and am eating better and going to the gym. but i feel like a failure in the personal aspects of my life. that, if i had done this or that, would things be different?

they're talking about government shut down again, and if it happens, i'm just going to get the dog and get in the car and drive. i dont care where i go. i just want to go. but thats just me always wanting to run away from problems instead of just dealing with them like an adult.

things that i hope for my 28 year. i hope i continue to get healthy, physically and mentally. i hope that i do good for others in any and every way i can. i hope i sort out my personal life and if not feel good about my choices, at least know that i can learn from them, grow from them.

i've had to do a lot of growing and learning lately and frankly my joints hurt.

which makes me think. i've been joking for years about wanting to go to the chiropractor for my birthday. so this year i figured, fuck it, thats what insurance is for, and i am going on monday. i'm legitimately excited about that, bc ever since i broke my butt, i feel like i'm crooked. maybe i can get fixed and that will fix my outlook too.

i know i have wonderful people in my life and i'm thankful for every single one of them. bc so many times i've counted on others to carry me. and this year i'm going to try to do better at carrying myself. but i feel like a little kid wanting to ask, are you there God? it's me andrea. i need a sign. a big one. very obvious one.

a very busy weekend is coming up, and yet even in the midst of so many people, i feel incredibly, painfully alone. and that isn't whining, thats just wondering what it is i'm doing wrong.