I can't sleep. It's three am, a time I don't normally see.

I'm trying to do the right things with my life. I dunno if I am but I at least am trying. That's a start, right?

I just can't spend all my time furious anymore. It does me no good. I waited to be shown something different but it never happened. So now im trying something new and scary. But maybe a clean slate is what I need. I genuinely don't know. But I'm going to find out.

No more excuses. No more lies. If people want to be in my life they will show me why they are worth it. I deserve to be fought for dammit. I deserve to feel special. I'm waiting to be impressed. If only people would take the hint and do something about it.

Side thought. Seeing photos of your exs spouse, in any situation, makes you sad and ill. It should be something I'm used to by now as it happens so often. But every time it's a punch in the gut. Especially when everyone looks happy in the photo.

It's almost a new year. I don't know what it will bring. All I can do is pray it'll be less heartache than this year. Hopefully I'll learn to trust again.

For now, I just want to sleep without the nightmares.


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