its sunday and i'm homeless.

that sounds harsh. i'm not completely homeless. alisha and jason are letting me stay with them until.... well. until zach and i fix this or i find a new apartment. i feel awful i had to ask them to let me stay, but they are great and didnt even think twice. and i'm thankful for that.

i have hinted to it, but i'm sure you've guessed what's going on. i knew something like this was always a possibility, bc not everyone understands depression and ups and downs. and i get that. and thats why i'm not mad at zach. i cant make it clear enough i'm not mad at him. i'm sad that he is hurting so much and i'm sad that i cant fix it. i know he loves me and i love him. but i hurt him and i cant take it back.

and i am better than i was. i'm getting healthier. tomorrow i'm joining a new gym with my friend amanda. its disgustingly expensive so i will feel guilty if i dont go. but alisha goes there and likes it and so i'm hoping it will help me get back on the right track. i know i am healthier mind and body than i used to be. and i want to keep working toward that goal even though i'm completely heartbroken. i dont know what else i can do for zach or the relationship so i'm going to try to take care of myself right now.

but that doesnt mean i'm not crying myself to sleep every night. bc i am. bc this is horrible. i know i dont deserve to be blindsided by this. but we were supposed to be married next year. i was planning a vacation for zach's birthday. all these things that i thought were there and now they are gone and i dont know if i can fix it. i've never felt more naked than i do without my ring.

and i know that sounds whiny and i apologize for that. but believe me that i am trying. i made an appointment with a new therapist since mine moved away. this time i feel better about going because i know what is going on and i know that they can help me find the right ways to keep helping myself. i want to help us, but if i cant do that i want to at least help myself.

and i know i sound all positive right now. i'm not. i'm barely keeping it together. but its not depression sad this time. this is broken love sad.

i dont know what is going to happen. i know what i want to happen, but that doesnt mean it will.

please pray for me and for zach and for us. thank you all.