I'm really tired of being sad. Trying to keep up the song and dance is wearing me out.

But instead of whining, bc no one wants to hear that, I'll tell you an incredibly embarrassing story bc it's easy to make fun of myself for a laugh.

So I didn't know that the prescribed painkillers cause constipation until I couldn't poop. Let me just make it clear here and now that that is a big deal. So I went to walgreens and just grabbed the first kind of stuff to fix it I found (which turned out to be MAXIMUM strength generic exlax) bc it's embarrassing to know the cashier is judging you for your lack of pooping skill. And this is one of few skills I excel at.


The label said take two and the magic will happen (paraphrasing) in approximately six hours.

So I waited. And waited. And waited. And gave up and went to bed.

And then I woke up at about 3am to my guts making this awful sound. It's like that scene in Aliens right before the baby alien pops out of the stomach. And/or the toilet scene in dumb and dumber.

So I get to the bathroom, thank goodness for that. But whatever....stimulant is in that medicine is NOT FUCKING AROUND. I felt like I had the flu. I thought I was going to puke. I broke out in a cold sweat. My ears started ringing. And my vision started going black. I knew I had two options- fall to my left and crack my skull open on the sink and bleed out as I poop myself, or lean right toward the bathtub and turn the water on cold and put as much of myself as I could in thr shower while still maintaining a sitting position on the toilet.

Obv I leaned right. I also debated calling my mother to cry but realized how ridiculous that conversation would be:

Me: sobbing hysterically
Mom: what's wrong?!?
Me: I'm dying from pooping!
Mom: (hangs up phone, trying not to let me hear her laughter)

So instead I cried to myself for the next hour while the dog sat in the doorway, staring at me with her judging eyes.

We will NOT be taking those pills again. Ever.

So there you go. I've officially reached a new low and told a poop story on my blog. I hope we can still be friends after this.

Much love from my general direction (which, if you forgot, is leaning right. Over the shower.)



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone