i hate seeing people i love hurting. i can deal with my own hurt, but not that of others. mine i can bury and talk vaguely about and dye my hair (burgundy, as of the middle of the night friday. or rather saturday i guess.) but seeing others hurt and me not being able to do anything about it leaves me flailing. i just want everyone to be happy.

i havent left the house today. i havent even showered. so far i've read one and one half books. it was actually nice on the porch this morning and i was able to sit out there without feeling like i was drowning and roasting at the same time. i want to go swimming, but i dont want to leave a burgundy dye trail in the pool. i really dont think ahead sometimes.

i slept in my living room floor last night because at the time it seemed like a good idea. now i'm laying on the heating pad. i never hurt like this before i got rear-ended so i'm sure i probably did screw something up in there, but thats what ibuprofin was made for. the bursitis in my knee is getting a little better. we have to do the testing at the gym again on tuesday to see how we are coming along. i dont think that half a pizza i ate today will be very helpful. but i was able to run again yesterday at the gym, which i havent been able to really do in a long time. sure it wasnt very long periods of time, but i did it and i didnt throw up. i'm still overweight and still unhealthy, but dammit. i'm trying. i'm really really trying. i signed up for another walk thing. i cant remember if i said that already. (i think i'm losing my mind, but thats a whole other mess of fish) it's 4 miles through the nice part of South Park next sunday evening. i tell myself these things are for good causes and it'd be mean of me not to participate. this one is for the special olympics.

i went to little washington yesterday, just to get out of the house, out of town (its motorcycle weekend and they were saying over70k bikers were around), and out of my head for a few hours. it's so interesting to people watch. and to also get donuts, which is something else that didnt really help my diet.

i have that feeling like something is going to happen.i mean, i know things are happening, are always happening. but i still feel it. or maybe i just want something to happen bc i feel like i'm about to jump out of my skin again.

i feel bad that i wish it would start storming so that i didnt feel bad that i'm staying inside.